How to Avoid “Gray Divorce”

Between 1990 and 2015, the divorce rate for those 50 years of age and older doubled in the United States, and it tripled for those over 65. Researchers have coined the phrase “gray divorce” to describe the growing number of divorces among older people. What is behind “gray divorce”? How can you keep it from affecting your marriage?

In this article

• What causes gray divorce?

• What you can do

• Discussion guide

What causes gray divorce?

• Often, older couples who divorce have simply grown apart gradually. Over time, some husbands and wives develop separate interests and seem to have little in common with each other. Or after the children have left home, a couple may realize that they have been in the roles of dad and mom for so long that they have forgotten how to be husband and wife.

• In recent decades, so-called experts have told spouses to focus on their own needs. ‘Does my marriage make me happy?’ ‘Is it making me a better person?’ ‘Does my spouse meet my emotional needs?’ If not, the current thinking goes, you should do what’s best for you—get a divorce and start a new life.

• Divorce has lost its stigma. “Not long ago,” writes sociologist Eric Klinenberg, “someone who was dissatisfied with his or her spouse and wanted a divorce had to justify that decision. Today it’s the opposite: If you’re not fulfilled by your marriage, you have to justify staying in it, because of the tremendous cultural pressure to be good to one’s self.”a

Of course, divorce often just exchanges one set of problems for another. For example, one study revealed that “gray divorce is often financially devastating, especially for women.”

There is something else to consider. “You can set off for a fresh start, but it’s the same old you,” says the book Don’t Divorce. “What have you done to change the communication style that didn’t work with your spouse? What have you done to change how you deal with conflict?”b

What you can do

• Accept change. No relationship is static. Your relationship with your spouse may have changed because your children have moved away or because the two of you have developed different interests. Instead of dwelling on the way things were in the past, think of how to improve the way things are now.

  

  Bible principle: “Do not say, ‘Why were the former days better than these?’ for it is not out of wisdom that you ask this.”—Ecclesiastes 7:10.

• Keep your friendship alive. Could you embrace a new interest that your spouse has, or could you invite your spouse to share in one of yours? Could you make room for a new activity that you both enjoy? Your goal should be to spend time together, so that you and your spouse feel more like marriage mates than roommates.

  

  Bible principle: “Let each one keep seeking, not his own advantage, but that of the other person.”—1 Corinthians 10:24.

• Maintain good manners. Do not let time erode simple courtesies. Speak respectfully to your spouse, and try to display the manners you showed when you were dating. Say “please” and “thank you.” Regularly express affection, and show appreciation for the things that your spouse does for you.

  

  Bible principle: “Become kind to one another, tenderly compassionate.”—Ephesians 4:32.

• Remember the good times. Look at your wedding album together, or browse through photos of other events that you shared together. Doing this can help you maintain—or rekindle—love and respect in your marriage.

  

  Bible principle: “Each one of you must love his wife as he does himself; on the other hand, the wife should have deep respect for her husband.”—Ephesians 5:33.