Teaching Your Child Perseverance

“I can’t do it!” your son cries. “It’s too hard! I’ll never learn!” He is about to give up quickly on a difficult task. You hate seeing your son struggle, but you want him to learn how to overcome challenges. Should you rush in to help? Should you just let him quit? Or can you teach your child perseverance?

What you should know

Perseverance is vital. When parents teach their child to develop his abilities through hard work, he is more likely to do well in school, enjoy better emotional and physical health, and have stronger and more positive social relationships. In contrast, when parents shield their child from difficulties and failures, he is more likely to become depressed, feel less competent, and live a less satisfying life as an adult.

Perseverance can be strengthened. Even very young children can strengthen their determination to work through challenges and solve problems. In one study, researchers found that 15-month-old babies would try harder at a difficult task if they first watched an adult struggle at a task rather than succeed effortlessly.

“I remember teaching my girls how to tie their shoes. It is not a skill you learn in a day. Each time they had to tie their shoes, they would sit for 10 to 15 minutes alone trying to remember how to do so. Then I would help them. It took a few months and some tears, but they eventually got it. I could have made my life easier by buying them shoes without laces. But sometimes, even as parents, we have to persevere in order to teach our kids perseverance.”—Colleen.

Perseverance can be weakened. Some parents may unintentionally undermine their child’s ability to persevere. How? In an effort to boost their child’s self-worth, some parents jump in to “rescue” him from facing any kind of frustration or failure. But this approach has a downside. “Every time we rescue . . . our children from a challenge,” writes author Jessica Lahey, “we send a very clear message: that we believe they are incompetent, incapable, and unworthy of our trust.”a The result? Children may give up quickly when confronted with future challenges, believing that they need an adult to save them.

What you can do

Encourage hard work. Parents can teach their children perseverance by giving them age-appropriate chores. For example, preschoolers can sort laundry and put away their toys. Young children can help put away groceries, set and clear the table, take out the garbage, and clean up spills. Teenagers can handle more difficult chores involving cleaning, maintenance, and repair work. Children may not always want to do chores, but they benefit when their parents hold them responsible from a young age to contribute around the house. How do children benefit? They build the kind of work ethic that will help them stick with difficult but necessary jobs as adults.

Bible principle: “There is benefit in every kind of hard work.”—Proverbs 14:23.

“Don’t waste time giving children work that will simply keep them busy. No one, not even a child, likes that. Give them something meaningful to assist with. If your child is little, have him dust furniture he can reach. If you’re washing the car, have him wash the lower areas that you find hard to get to. Then be quick to acknowledge your child’s hard work.”—Chris.

Guide your child through difficult tasks. Sometimes children give up easily because they do not know how to complete a task. So when teaching your child a new skill, you could try the following method. First, do the task for your child while he watches you. Then, do the task together. Next, watch your child do the task, and give him helpful feedback. Finally, have your child do the task completely on his own.

Bible principle: “I set the pattern for you, that just as I did to you, you should also do.”—John 13:15.

“From my experience, we parents need to set a good example if we want our kids to develop perseverance. We have to demonstrate the quality that we want them to develop.”—Doug.

Help your child to accept that everyone struggles and fails. Share stories of when you struggled at something but benefited from not giving up. Explain to your child that it is normal to find new things difficult and that making mistakes can help him to learn. Reassure your child that failure does not lessen your love for him. Just as a muscle grows through use, your child’s ability to persevere grows if you allow him to face challenges. So when your child faces a challenge, rather than intervene right away, allow him some time to work through his frustration. “The best way for a young person to build character,” says the book How Children Succeed, “is for him to attempt something where there is a real and serious possibility of failure.”

Bible principle: “When we are young, it is good to struggle hard.”—Lamentations 3:27, Contemporary English Version.

“When you allow kids to struggle to a certain degree—while knowing that Mom and Dad are there to assist—the kids benefit. After some time, the struggle will go away and they will have gained both a skill and the confidence that perseverance pays off.”—Jordan.

Praise effort, not intellect. For example, rather than saying, “Great job on that test! You are so smart,” you could say, “Great job on that test! I’m really impressed with how hard you studied.” Why is it important to praise effort over intellect? Praising children’s intelligence “makes children doubt themselves as soon as anything is hard or anything goes wrong,” says Dr. Carol Dweck. She continues: “If parents want to give their children a gift, the best thing they can do is to teach their children to love challenges, be intrigued by mistakes, enjoy effort, seek new strategies, and keep on learning. That way, their children don’t have to be slaves of praise.”b

Bible principle: “A person is tested by the praise he receives.”—Proverbs 27:21.