Day Care​—Choosing the Best for Your Child!

THE issue of day care is complex. For many families, day care fills a real need. At the same time, disturbing questions have been raised regarding its effect upon children. Parents must therefore face the fact that day care has both positive and negative aspects, that not all day care is quality care. Serious thought must be given before placing a child in day care.

‘What’s Best for Infants?’

For example, is your child a small infant? Some experts, such as respected psychologist Burton White, strongly advise against putting infants into day care. He told Awake!: “During the first six months of life, the children who develop best are those who have a tremendous amount of attention lavished upon them; the ones who get prompt attention when they’re uncomfortable and who enjoy a lot of fun play with someone who thinks that there’s nothing more important in the world than that child!

“Once the child gets to be a crawler at six or seven months of age,” Dr. White continued, “that child now needs ready access to somebody who’s crazy about him! That’s in order to facilitate the natural learning process, to support his curiosity, to increase his enthusiasm, to do any number of things that feed into the development of a solid human being. A child does not get this support from substitute caretakers. Rarely will anyone other than a child’s parents or grandparents show such interest.”

A prophet of old asked: “Can a wife forget her suckling so that she should not pity the son of her belly?” (Isaiah 49:15) Mothers are quick to respond to a baby’s virtually nonstop demands for love and attention. But will a hired caretaker​—with several infants crying for attention—​respond the way a parent will? The Bible speaks of the way “a nursing mother cherishes her own children.” (1 Thessalonians 2:7) Though not all mothers are able to breast-feed, doing so enhances the mother-child bond. Will an infant in day care receive this nurturing?

Examining Your Priorities

Some doctors thus recommend delaying substitute care until a baby is at least four months old. Dr. White, however, suggests that infants should have “nothing but an occasional baby-sitter for the first six months of life. Afterward, no more than three to four hours a day of high-quality substitute care.”

Let’s assume that day care is not good for infants. Will not infants simply outgrow any problems resulting from it? Dr. White bristles at that notion: “That amounts to speculation. I’m not going to take chances with my kids that way, and I’m not going to recommend it for anybody else.”

Though many are inclined to reject such a strong position, Dr. White’s sentiments are hard to dismiss. Nevertheless, parents​—not researchers—​must decide what is best for them and their children, and often economic considerations prevail. So after carefully weighing all factors involved, some may still decide to utilize some form of infant child care.​—See page 10.

Some may be in a position to rethink their priorities. After all, children are infants only once. The opportunity to train a child “from infancy” passes quickly. (2 Timothy 3:15) If putting off secular work for a few years​—or simply living with less income—​is not practical, some may therefore decide to work part-time. This allows parents to remain their child’s primary caretakers.

Choosing Day Care

Can toddlers safely be placed in day care? Researchers are divided, but most agree that a child’s ability to tolerate separation from his parents increases with age. Once again, parents must decide if their child can handle day care. If so, this does not mean placing him in the first day-care home or center they find. Doby Flowers, deputy administrator of New York’s Agency for Child Development, advises: “Choose day care very carefully. What reputation does the center have in the community? Are the equipment and toys age-appropriate? Is it well cared for and clean? What are the staff’s credentials?”

Yes, the staff​—not fancy equipment or toys—​is the most important ingredient in child care. So visit several centers and homes and personally observe the way the care givers relate to children​—particularly your child. Ask: How stable is the staff? What kinds of meals are served? How many children does each worker care for? (The fewer, the better.) Do the children seem happy and at ease? Does the center or home meet local licensing and safety requirements? What is the daily routine of activities?

Knowing that you have the best child care available​—and affordable—​can do much to alleviate unnecessary guilt.

Making the Most of Day Care

Now that a suitable home or center has been found, do not simply begin dropping your child off there. Explain why he must be there. Assure him he has not been abandoned. Ease him into day care, perhaps accompanying him on a number of visits​—of increasing duration—​to the center or home before leaving him there all day. And, advises day-care-center director Bernice Spence, when dropping him off in the morning, “don’t rush the child! Take the time to calm him if he’s upset.”

Former day-care-center operators William and Wendy Dreskin warn: “Children can begin to feel that they have no choice, and they will become reconciled to their fate. They may stop expressing their feelings to the day care workers and their parents, but these feelings have not evaporated.” You must therefore monitor your child’s response to day care. Take time to discuss the events of his day. Hear out his complaints. (Proverbs 21:13) Be alert to signs of distress, such as nightmares or bed-wetting. “Every child reacts differently,” explained day-care consultant Delores Alexander. “And not all children can handle group centers.”

Christian parents need to give particular attention to their children. Jehovah’s Witnesses, for example, decline to participate in activities relating to certain religious holidays. Though they take pains to teach this Bible-based stand to their youngsters, their preschool children may be unable to grasp fully the issues involved. They may become upset when left out of “fun” activities. Christian parents must thus act as their children’s advocates, letting care givers know exactly what activities are off limits and discussing alternatives.a

They also watch that their children do not pick up ungodly traits from other children. The book Listening to the Great Teacher (published by the Watchtower Society) has helped many parents instill an appreciation for godly principles even in very small children.

Do not let day care destroy the bond of love between you and your child. The Bible tells about a woman named Hannah, who though separated from her young child Samuel for long periods of time maintained a loving relationship with him. (1 Samuel 2:18, 19) Certainly, you can do the same if you make wise use of the precious time you have with your child at the end of each day and on weekends. Indeed, with proper attention, that relationship can flourish!

Even at its best, substitute care is just that​—a mere substitute for the care of a loving mother and father. Admittedly, it is far from ideal. Until God’s promised new system arrives with its ideal conditions, many parents may be forced to utilize substitute care. (2 Peter 3:13; Isaiah 65:17-23) But if this is true in your case, choose it carefully. Closely monitor how it affects your child​—physically, emotionally, and spiritually. After all, children are an inheritance from God.​—Psalm 127:3.

[Footnotes]

[Box on page 10]

Child-Care Options​—Pros and Cons

The vast majority of parents utilize a variety of informal means to care for their children. Here are some of them:

GRANDPARENTS: Some believe that as care givers, grandparents are second only to the natural parents. Grandparents may quickly tire of the added responsibility as baby becomes a toddler. And differences in child-rearing standards (‘Grandmother knows best!’) often ignite disputes. In her book The Child Care Crisis, Fredelle Maynard says: “Precisely because [grandmother] is family, she doesn’t take orders and may need kid-glove treatment. If a hired caretaker hits your child or feeds him marshmallow fluff instead of cottage cheese, you can protest and if necessary end the arrangement. If grandmother violates your values and standards, that’s trouble.”

Frank communication between parents and grandparents, however, can often prevent needless friction. “There is a frustrating of plans where there is no confidential talk,” says the Bible. (Proverbs 15:22) A grandmother may cherish a child, but she must also recognize that the Bible assigns the responsibility of child rearing to the child’s parents. (Ephesians 6:4) Parents and grandparents must thus establish agreed-upon rules and standards if such an arrangement is to work satisfactorily.

TEENAGE SIBLINGS: When they are reasonably mature and responsible, this too can work out fine. Often, youths bitterly resent being told, ‘Look after your baby sister.’ And an apathetic childminder is likely to be unreliable, careless, and neglectful. Remember, the Bible says: “Foolishness is tied up with the heart of a boy [or girl].”​—Proverbs 22:15.

So care of young children by siblings must be closely monitored. Make sure your older son or daughter has specific instructions on feeding, care, and handling emergencies and that he or she is willing to give your child needed attention.

WORKING DIFFERENT SHIFTS: A large number of couples are attempting to handle child care themselves by working different shifts. Explains one father: “I go to work in mid- or late afternoon when my wife gets home. Thus our children are ‘covered’ by one or the other parent. . . . We feel that this arrangement has enabled both of us to know our children very well and to be the primary influences upon their lives.”

There are clouds within this silver lining, however. Couples can become ‘ships passing in the night,’ with little time for each other. And a parent who has just come in from a night of work is not always the most alert of caretakers; nor is he likely to get much rest during the day. Some couples feel that being able to care for their children personally is worth the sacrifice.

HIRED SITTERS: A qualified, caring baby-sitter or full-time nanny can often be an exceptional care giver. However, nannies are expensive. Some families leap the financial hurdle by getting together with one or two other families and jointly hiring someone to care for their children. The problem is finding the right someone. Warns the Bible: “As an archer piercing everything is the one . . . hiring passersby.”​—Proverbs 26:10.

This means carefully screening anyone you would entrust your child to. What do you really know about the prospective sitter? Does she have any previous experience or training in child care? How does she relate to your child and vice versa? Does she have undesirable habits​—like excessive TV watching, tobacco smoking, or drug abuse? Is she willing to abide by your principles and house rules?

When a family finally does locate a responsible, caring individual, they often find to their dismay that sitters are notoriously transient. For a child, this can mean periodically suffering heartbreak as sitters come​—and go.

[Box on page 11]

Children Left Alone

Growing numbers of children are their own caretakers. They are dubbed latchkey children because they are given the keys to their home so that they can let themselves in, since no one is home yet. Some estimate that there are millions of latchkey children in the United States alone.

Child-care experts are divided as to how old a child should be before he can safely be left alone for any length of time. Parents must therefore carefully decide what is best for their child, taking into consideration his or her age, temperament, abilities, and the particular circumstances of the home and neighborhood. The law of the land is also an important factor, as leaving a child unsupervised may be illegal in your community.​—Romans 13:1.

When a latchkey arrangement must be used, a number of practical steps may help ensure the safety of the child:

1. Make sure he knows how to contact you, perhaps phoning you as soon as he arrives home from school.

2. Keep important phone numbers (doctor, police, fire department) posted near the telephone.

3. Instruct your child not to open the door to strangers.

4. Give your child guidelines on the use of potentially dangerous appliances. Don’t leave matches lying around.

5. Keep your child busy with chores and homework.​—See Awake! of August 22, 1986, pages 14-16.

[Picture on page 9]

Rarely will a day-care worker show the same interest in a child that a parent will