Battering Husbands​—A Close-Up Look

IT IS the unanimous voice of experts that wife beaters have basically the same profile. Doctors, lawyers, police officers, court officials, and social workers​—whose jobs bring them into daily contact with family violence—​are in agreement on this. Said one court official: “Narcissism​—that’s the master trait. The analogy between the batterer and the young child is astounding. Stories of tantrums are told to me by every woman I deal with. The batterer can relate to the world only in terms of how it can take care of his needs.” This official labels the batterer “sociopathic,” meaning he is incapable of considering the consequences of his actions.

“Interestingly enough,” one writer said, “male abusers are generally suffering from a low self-image, the same trait they strive to induce in their victims.” “Possessiveness and jealousy, as well as sexual inadequacy and low self-esteem, are usual characteristics of men who batter women,” said one press report. Agreeing with this profile of the wife abuser, a noted psychiatrist added his voice: “Battering is one way the inadequate man tries to prove his masculinity.”

It becomes apparent that the male abuser uses violence as a tool to maintain control and demonstrate his power over his marriage mate. A wife abuser declared: “If we stop beating, we lose control. And that’s unthinkable, intolerable.”

Often, without reason, the battering husband is irrationally possessive and jealous. He may fantasize a romantic link between his wife and the mailman, the milkman, a close family friend, or anyone with whom she may communicate. Even though he may treat his wife badly, inflicting bodily pain, he is intensely afraid of separation or of losing her. If the abused wife threatens to leave him, he may in turn threaten to kill her and himself.

Jealousy may often raise its ugly head when the wife is pregnant. The husband may feel threatened by the possibility that the affection of his wife will now be diverted away from him, that the baby will now become the center of attention. Many battered women report that the first sign of husbandly abuse was when their husband punched them violently in the stomach during their first pregnancy. “The narcissism he’s suffering from may put him in a position where he may actually try to kill the fetus,” said one court official.

A Cycle of Violence

Another feature of the profile of the wife beater is the cycle of violence experienced, as confirmed by numerous battered wives. In stage one, the husband may only resort to name-calling, using abusive language. He may threaten to take the children away from her, telling her she will never see them again. Feeling threatened, she may admit that everything is her fault, accepting responsibility for his abusive behavior. She is now playing into his hands. He is gaining control. But he must have greater dominance. This first stage may come at any time after the marriage​—sometimes within weeks.

Stage two may come with an explosive burst of violence​—kicking, punching, biting, pulling her hair, throwing her to the floor, committing sexual acts in a violent way. For the first time, the wife may realize that she is not to blame. She reasons that the cause is possibly an outside source​—stress in the workplace or incompatibility with workmates.

Immediately following the outburst of violence, the wife is comforted by her husband’s remorsefulness. He is now in the third stage of the cycle. He showers her with gifts. He begs her forgiveness. He promises her it will never happen again.

But it does happen again, and again. There is no more remorse. It is now a way of life. The threat to kill her is always present if she threatens to leave. She is now under his complete domination. Remember the words quoted earlier by one wife beater: “If we stop beating, we lose control. And that’s unthinkable.”

Another Similarity

Invariably, wife abusers will blame their mates for provoking the beatings. Reports the program director of a service for battered women: “The abuser says to his female partner, ‘You don’t do this right, that’s why I’m hitting you.’ Or, ‘Dinner was late, that’s why I’m hitting you.’ It’s always her fault. And when that kind of emotional abuse goes on for years, the woman is brainwashed into believing it.”

One wife was told by her husband that she was provoking the attacks by things she had done wrong. “As the violence escalated, so did the excuses. And it was always, ‘Look what you made me do. Why do you want to make me do these things?’”

Said one reformed wife abuser, whose father was also a wife batterer: “My father could never admit that he was wrong. He never apologized or accepted any responsibility for his actions. He always blamed his victim.” The son too admits, “I blamed my wife for bringing on her own abuse.” “For 15 years,” said another, “I abused my wife because she was one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. I blamed my wife for everything. I didn’t realize that what I was doing was so bad until I began studying the Bible. Now it’s a bad memory in my life. I try to forget it, but it’s always there.”

The account of the father and son, both wife beaters, is not unique. It is, rather, the general profile of battering husbands. The son admitted that wife beating went back 150 years in his family, passed from father to son, as it were. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, “of the children who witness domestic violence, 60 percent of the boys eventually become batterers and 50 percent of the girls become victims.”

Said one newspaper writer: “Even if they’ve been spared the battering and show no outward damage, these children have learned something they’ll probably never forget: that it’s acceptable to handle problems and stress in violent ways.”

Those who run shelters for battered women say that boys who have seen their mothers beaten by their fathers often turn on their mothers in a violent way or threaten to kill their sisters. “This isn’t just toddler playfulness,” said one. “It’s real intentional.” Having seen their parents use violence to deal with anger, children see it as their only option.

A nursery rhyme says that little girls are made of “sugar and spice, and everything nice.” These little girls grow up to be our mothers and wives, whom the husbands say they cannot live without. Surely, then, justice is against wife abuse, but whose justice​—man’s or God’s?