Young People Ask . . .

Why Do My Parents Try to Control My Life?

“I look for a chance to act, to flex my muscles, to feel my strength. . . . I want to learn the bitter from the sweet by tasting, not by talking. I hunger for experience; [my parents] feed me explanations.”​—A 16-year-old boy.

“My mother and I are in complete conflict . . . She tries to baby me . . . I want to get away; I can’t stand being imprisoned. . . . I’m trying to grow up and she’s not letting me.”​—A 17-year-old girl.

IT IS a common complaint among youths that their parents try to control their lives. And perhaps you have the same grievance yourself. You say you want to stay out late; they say you must be home early. You say you’re ready to date; they say you’re too young. It seems that every ‘May I’ is met with ‘No, you can’t.’

In all fairness to parents, though, most youths are allowed to have their way at least some of the time. And likely you’re no exception. Furthermore, your parents are probably well aware that you are no longer a child; sooner or later they will have to relinquish the control they’ve had over you since you were born. And like most parents, they probably want you to become a balanced, independent adult.

You may wonder, then: ‘If my parents feel this way, why don’t they show it?’ It seems to you that they have a stranglehold on your life and aren’t about to let go. Really, however, there is probably little question as to whether you will gain control of your life. The only question is when. You want it now. But your parents may want you to gain that control gradually.

One teen viewed this as “a vote of no confidence” from her parents, an insulting implication that she has a “self-destructive bent that has to be curbed.” But could it be that your parents have good reason to act as they do? In any event, your understanding their viewpoint may help you quell any feelings of resentment you may have over the way they treat you. As Proverbs 19:11 says: “The insight of a man certainly slows down his anger.”

Why They Keep Control

First, realize that the world has progressively become more dangerous and corrupt since your parents navigated their own way through youth. (2 Timothy 3:1, 13) One parent admitted: ‘The world our son or daughter experiences at 14 or 15 or 16 is more dangerous than it was when we were growing up. It is less safe to go out alone. More teenagers are getting pregnant than when we were young.’ No wonder your parents want to protect you!

If your parents are God-fearing, they are also deeply concerned about your spiritual health. The Bible directs that parents give children “the instruction, and the correction, which belong to a Christian upbringing.” (Ephesians 6:4, The New English Bible) And they know that you will not automatically embrace Christian values and beliefs simply because they do. They also realize that “a boy [or girl] let on the loose will be causing his mother shame.” (Proverbs 29:15) While they may not think of you as a child, they may still feel obliged to impose curfews and set other limits for you.

You may perceive such controls as beneath your dignity, babyish. But remember, it wasn’t long ago that you really were a helpless baby in your parents’ arms. And now they want to keep you from moral harm, the way they once protected you from physical harm. Remember, too, your parents were once teenagers themselves, and they well know the difficulties a youth can get into. Why, even the righteous man Job confessed “the errors of [his] youth.” (Job 13:26) And as youths, some parents made some serious errors that have greatly complicated their lives.

One mother confessed: “I had to get married. It was because I had a steady boyfriend at a very young age. I was pregnant at sixteen. Now I have three children, and two of them are teenagers. I feel like I’m fifty instead of thirty-seven. I lost my youth.”

Perhaps your parents never had such a bitter experience. Yet, they are likely very concerned about the hazards of early dating and may forbid you to date. Should you resent this restriction? If you do, consider the words of Proverbs 27:12: “The shrewd one that has seen the calamity has concealed himself; the inexperienced that have passed along have suffered the penalty.” Really, if you heed your parents’ advice, you may avoid calamity.

A Personality in Transition

Still, you may feel like the youth who said: “I know what I’m doing. I’m not going to make a mess of my life. Why won’t they let me live my own life?” But the problem may be that you unwittingly give your parents mixed signals. At times you may act like a competent adult; at other times you may display a childlike need for parental help.

In the book How to Single Parent, Dr. Fitzhugh Dodson tells of one mother’s experience in shopping with her 15-year-old daughter. Having narrowed her choice to three dresses, the daughter asked which looked best on her. Her mother thought it over a moment and then replied: “I think the blue one definitely looks the best.” The reply to this asked-for advice? “Oh, Mother, you always try to dominate my life and tell me what to do!”

Months later they went shopping again. The daughter selected a few outfits and asked: “Mother, which of these suits looks best on me?” Recalling the earlier episode, the mother decided to play it safe and answered: “I’m sure you can decide for yourself,” to which her daughter exclaimed: “Oh, Mother, you never help me when I need you!”

Moods that swing from defiant bravado to babyish clinging confuse parents. And to some degree, all youths are plagued by this seesawing behavior; it’s a natural part of growing up. But while natural, it tells your parents that you still have some “traits of a babe” to overcome and that you are not ready for the controls to be completely relaxed.​—1 Corinthians 13:11.

Gaining Greater Control

You might nevertheless feel that you could do without at least some of that support and attention. And in hopes of gaining the freedoms you crave, you may at times even be tempted to resort to devious means. “I know I shouldn’t lie,” wrote a teenage girl, “but I only did it to make things simple. [Mom’s] too strict and would never have let me go out if I’d told her the truth.” Deceiving your parents, though, never makes things simple. If the lie is uncovered (as it will likely be), it may greatly complicate matters.

The authors of the book Options wisely observe: “Lying to [your parents] when you want them to trust you makes as much sense as stealing to prove how honest you are. When they catch you, they’re likely to crack down on you even more, just for being a sneak.” More important, lying incurs the disfavor of God himself. Proverbs 3:32 says: “The devious person is a detestable thing to Jehovah.”

So be honest with your folks. Give them complete and accurate details of where you want to go and who is going with you. When they impose curfews, honor them. This will convince them that you are responsible. They will be less likely to worry when you are away. And in time they may feel more confident in granting you greater freedom. It is as the Bible says: “Much will be expected from the one who has been given much, and the more a man is trusted, the more people will expect of him.”​—Luke 12:48, Phillips.

The time for you to take charge of your life will come soon enough. In the meantime, be patient. Enjoy your youth. (Ecclesiastes 11:9) Cooperate with the stand your parents take on dating, rules, curfews, and the like. Doing so now might just spare you regrets and heartaches later. If you feel that certain restrictions are inappropriate for your age or are unreasonable, don’t rebel. Calmly discuss matters with your parents. Perhaps they’ve simply lost track of just how old you really are or how much you’ve grown up. Whatever the case, you’ll probably find that they are not really interested in controlling your life. They simply want to ensure your future happiness.

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How do you view curfews and other restrictions?