How Can the Family Help?

“First the man takes a drink, and then the drink takes a drink, and finally the drink takes the man.”​—Oriental saying.

YOU are walking along the edge of a marshland. Suddenly, the ground gives way. Within moments you are foundering in quicksand. The more you struggle, the deeper you sink.

Alcoholism engulfs the entire family in much the same way. The codependent spouse struggles desperately to change the alcoholic. Motivated by love, she threatens him, but he still drinks. She conceals his liquor, but he buys more. She hides his money, but he borrows from a friend. She appeals to his love for family, for life, even for God​—but to no avail. The more she struggles, the deeper the entire family sinks into the alcoholic morass. To help the alcoholic, family members must first understand the nature of alcoholism. They need to know why some “solutions” are almost certain to fail, and they have to learn what methods really work.

Alcoholism is more than mere drunkenness. It is a chronic drinking disorder characterized by preoccupation with alcohol and loss of control over its consumption. While most experts agree that it cannot be cured, alcoholism can be arrested with a program of lifetime abstinence.​—Compare Matthew 5:29.

In some respects the situation may be compared to that of a diabetic. While he cannot change his condition, the diabetic can cooperate with his body by abstaining from sugar. Similarly, an alcoholic cannot change his body’s response to drinking, but he can work in harmony with his disorder by abstaining completely from alcohol.

However, this is easier said than done. The alcoholic is blinded by denial. ‘I’m not that bad.’ ‘My family drives me to drink.’ ‘With a boss like mine, who wouldn’t drink?’ His rationalizing is often so convincing that the entire family may join in the denial process. ‘Your father needs to unwind at the end of the day.’ ‘Dad needs to drink. He puts up with so much nagging from Mom.’ Anything but expose the family secret: Dad is an alcoholic. “That’s the only way they can coexist,” explains Dr. Susan Forward. “Lies, excuses, and secrets are as common as air in these homes.”

Family members cannot pull the alcoholic out of the quicksand until they first get themselves out. Some may object, ‘It’s the alcoholic who needs help, not me!’ But consider: How much are your emotions and actions bound up with the alcoholic’s behavior? How often do his actions cause you to feel anger, worry, frustration, fear? How many times do you stay at home taking care of the alcoholic when you should be engaged in more important activity? When nonalcoholic family members take steps to improve their own lives, the alcoholic may follow.

Stop taking the blame. ‘If you treated me better, I wouldn’t have to drink,’ the alcoholic may claim. “The alcoholic needs you to keep believing this so he can dump the responsibility for his drinking on you,” says counselor Toby Rice Drews. Don’t fall for it. The alcoholic is dependent not just on alcohol but also on people who will credit his denial. Family members may thus unwittingly perpetuate the alcoholic’s drinking.

A Bible proverb about loss of temper could apply equally to the alcoholic: “Let him take the consequences. If you get him out of trouble once, you will have to do it again.” (Proverbs 19:19, Today’s English Version) Yes, let the alcoholic call his boss, drag himself to bed, clean up after himself. If the family does such things for him, they are only helping him drink himself to death.

Get help. It is difficult and perhaps even impossible for a family member to get out of the quicksand alone. You need support. Rely heavily on friends who will neither support the alcoholic’s denial nor let you stay stuck where you are.

Should the alcoholic agree to get help, it is a cause for great joy. But it is just the beginning of the recovery process. Physical dependence on alcohol can be arrested in a matter of days through detoxification. But the psychological dependence is much more difficult to manage.

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Distinct Traits of Alcoholics

Preoccupation: The alcoholic anxiously anticipates his drinking periods. When he is not drinking alcohol, he is thinking about alcohol.

Loss of Control: His drinking is frequently different from what he intends, no matter how firm his resolve.

Rigidity: Self-​imposed policies (“I never drink alone,” “never during work,” and so forth) are simply disguises for the alcoholic’s actual rule: “Don’t let anything interfere with my drinking.”

Tolerance: An exceptional ability to ‘hold one’s liquor’ is not a blessing​—often it is an early sign of alcoholism.

Negative Consequences: Normal habits do not wreak havoc upon one’s family, career, and physical health. Alcoholism does.​—Proverbs 23:29-35.

Denial: The alcoholic rationalizes, minimizes, and excuses his behavior.