Conversation Is an Art

EATING, sleeping, working, these are basic human needs. Yet, another need cries out to be satisfied. What is that?

Consider the words of a man who spent five years in solitary confinement, deprived of one of life’s most precious necessities. “I longed for companionship, for someone to talk to, converse with,” he admits. “I began to realize I had to do something to counteract the loneliness. In my solitude and silence, my mind would be affected.”

Yes, we have an inborn need to communicate. Conversation helps satisfy that need. Researchers Dennis R. Smith and L. Keith Williamson comment: “We need to have people in whom we can candidly confide, with whom we can share our greatest joys and our most disturbing fears, to whom we can talk.”

We Need to Talk!

Humans are endowed with the marvelous gift of speech. Yes, we are designed to converse. One man made this observation: “We were created by God to be gregarious. If you don’t have the opportunity to talk, or if someone takes away your ability to communicate, it’s like a punishment. When you converse, a valuable thing happens. You feel better about yourself, and you benefit from knowing what others think and feel.”

Elaine, the wife of a traveling minister, says: “Words express feelings. We can’t assume that our mate knows how precious he or she is to us. It has to be spoken; the ear needs to hear the words. We need to converse.”

David, the son of a Christian elder, expresses himself this way: “Sometimes I’m frustrated and really don’t know how I feel. My first tendency is to clam up, then pressure builds inside. I find that if I talk with someone, it’s like a vent to let the pressure out. As I talk, I have a chance to find out how I really feel about myself and am able to sort it all out.”

Barriers to Conversation

Indeed, conversation fills a need. However, there are barriers to conversation. For some, in fact, conversation becomes a struggle​—an activity to be avoided.

“Most of my life,” says Gary, “I found it easier to slide around conversation with other people.” He explains: “It centers on my lack of confidence. I still suffer with the fear that when I converse with people, I sound foolish or that someone may belittle me for what I have said.”

Elaine describes her difficulty as shyness. She explains: “I was raised in a family where we didn’t talk. My father was extremely intimidating. So as I grew up, I felt that I had nothing worth saying.” Yes, shyness can produce formidable barriers to the enjoyment of conversation. Why, it can confine you within walls of silence!

“It’s like a plague,” says John, a Christian elder who admits to struggling with low self-​esteem. “If you give in to shyness, you isolate yourself. Even if there are a hundred people in a room, you won’t converse. And you’ve cost yourself dearly!”

On the other hand, an elder named Daniel has this to say: “I’m a natural when it comes to talking. But before I realize it, I’ve interrupted someone and taken over the conversation. I become aware of this when I see that look on my wife’s face, and I think to myself, ‘Oh, no, I did it again.’ I know that her joy is lost for the rest of the conversation.”

How can these and other barriers to conversation be overcome? What qualities are essential to this art? How can they be applied?

‘What Can I Say?’

‘What can I talk about?’ ‘I don’t know anything.’ ‘No one wants to hear what I have to say.’ Although you may have these thoughts, they probably aren’t true. You know far more than you realize, and some of that information is likely of interest to others. For example, perhaps you recently traveled somewhere. People may want to know how that area compares with where they live.

In addition, you can and should increase your knowledge on various subjects by reading. It is a good practice to take the time to read something every day. The literature of Jehovah’s Witnesses contains information on the Bible as well as on subjects of general interest. The more information you take in, the more you can share. A fine example is the daily text in the booklet Examining the Scriptures Daily as used by Jehovah’s Witnesses. Each day, that gives you something different to think about and to use in conversation.

To engage in conversation does not mean that a person has to do all the talking. Both parties should express themselves. Allow the other person to speak. If he is quiet, you might encourage him with tactful questions. Suppose you are talking with an older person. You could ask him about events of the past and how the world or family life has changed since he was young. You will enjoy listening to him, and you will learn.

Be a Good Listener

Listening carefully is a valuable asset in conversation. The way we listen to others can support those who reach out for help with their burdens. One man, who viewed himself as being on the ‘scrap heap of humanity,’ was feeling miserable and called a friend for help. Even though it was an extremely inconvenient time, the friend kindly listened​—for two hours! The man now considers that one conversation a turning point in his life. What made the difference? “Just being a good listener,” admits the attentive friend. “I don’t recall speaking any words of wisdom. I just asked the right questions, ‘Why do you feel that way?’ ‘Why is that bothering you?’ ‘What might help?’ He answered all his own questions when he answered mine!”

Children treasure parents who make the time to converse with them. One young lad named Scott comments: “It’s good when your parents come to you and want to know what’s on your mind. Dad has been doing that lately, and it helps because there are some things that you just can’t handle by yourself.”

“You must create an environment in which your children will talk to you,” suggests one man. He regularly spends time alone with each of his four children because he feels that attentive, sympathetic listening by parents is essential if youths are to develop well-​adjusted personalities. His recommendation? When opportunities arise and a child wants to talk, be ready to listen. “No matter how tired or burdened down you may be, never stifle them! Listen,” he says.

Sincere Interest Gets a Response

Many people need emotional support to be able to open up and express themselves in conversation. One young man lamented: ‘I need to talk with someone, but who do I go to? It’s not easy for me to talk. I need someone who will take an interest in me!’ Genuine, sincere interest can create a trusting and secure atmosphere in which it is easier for a person to talk and open his heart to another.

One man relates: “A number of years ago, when I was having some difficulties dealing with family situations, I tried to converse with a friend. All he said was, ‘Buckle your chin strap and get tough and everything will be fine.’ There was no dialogue, no conversation, and it wasn’t helpful. In fact it just drove me back into a shell. In contrast with that, I later talked with an overseer of Jehovah’s Witnesses. By his eyes, his facial expression, and his kind manner, I knew he was sympathetic. As a result, I found myself opening up and conversing more because he was sincerely interested. He said: ‘We’re going to do everything we can to be supportive of you in your situation.’ You respond to people like that!”

Can more of us open our hearts and draw others into meaningful conversation? When we see someone left out of a group, too shy to converse, do we try to include that person in our conversation? Says John, who was mentioned earlier: “I can sense that feeling because I see myself over there, and I’m agonizing with him!” He adds: “How important it is that we gravitate toward him and get him involved. We might even say a silent prayer about the matter.”

Dan says of a friend: “Roy lacked such confidence in his ability to converse that when a group would be talking, he would always stand back a few steps. So I would ask him a question, ‘Say, Roy, what was that you said about this or that?’ Then he would start talking. As a result, others saw a side of him that they had thought wasn’t there.” Dan urges: “Don’t give up when a person is hard to converse with and to draw out. Think to yourself that there is a good person inside who wants to talk. Just keep drawing him out and working at it.”

By cultivating a loving, sincere interest in others, you benefit​—even if you have the problem of shyness. John found that this helped him overcome the tendency to isolate himself. “Love doesn’t look for its own interests,” he explains. (1 Corinthians 13:5) “To do the loving thing, you must talk with and inquire about others. To cave in to your inadequacies doesn’t fill the bill. You can prayerfully rise above yourself.” He adds: “There is such a great reward from doing it. When you see others respond and notice how they are uplifted, you are upbuilt too. And that should infuse you with the courage to go forward the next time and the next time.”

Empathy​—The Bedrock of Conversation

Among the most valued of human traits is empathy. Just what is empathy? Dr. Bernard Guerney of Pennsylvania State University says that empathy is ‘the capacity to appreciate the other person’s feelings and point of view​—whether you agree with him or not.’ How important is empathy in conversation? “That’s bedrock! That’s the foundation upon which everything else is built.”

Dr. Guerney explains that conversation is the lifeline of all good relationships. Of course, differences of opinion are common. To resolve them and preserve the relationship, we must be willing to talk about the problem. Many avoid doing that because they do not know how to talk without making the other person defensive and angry. According to Dr. Guerney, “most people confuse an appreciation and a respect for the other person’s position with agreeing with that position. Consequently, when they disagree, they don’t show appreciation and respect. Empathy allows you to separate agreement and appreciation.”

By mentally putting yourself in the other person’s shoes, you feel and think as he does. Under such circumstances, you will find that understanding, appreciation, and respect can grow, even if you disagree.

Consider Janet, a mother of four. At one time she was despondent and felt useless. She now realizes how essential empathy is in assisting someone. She relates: “I remember my husband talking with me and explaining all the different ways that I was helping out, whereas I had thought that my actions amounted to absolutely nothing. He very lovingly heard me through my tears, and then he built me up. But if he had belittled my thinking or said ‘Oh, that’s nonsense,’ or said something like that, I would have become very quiet and would have gone off by myself. Instead, that evening we had a very long, meaningful conversation.”

‘Empathy shows you care. That fosters communication, the extended kind of exchange most people want and need,’ concludes Dr. Guerney.

You Can Do It!

You can be a good conversationalist. We have considered some essentials to mastering the art of conversation, but there is a host of others. They include friendliness, a sense of humor, and tact, to name just a few. But like an artist, who through training and practice skillfully plies his brush over the canvas to create a beautiful masterpiece, we need to work at developing these needed qualities.

For example, Daniel has become a good conversationalist. How? By learning to control his tendency to interrupt and dominate conversations. He admits: “I have to make a conscious effort not to dominate a conversation. For me, that means harnessing my tongue. When I find myself wanting to add little tidbits, I mentally put on the brakes! If I think that a comment will change the direction of the conversation or take away someone else’s ability to converse, I just don’t say it!”

What helped Elaine? After she gained accurate knowledge of the Bible, she realized she had something valuable and worthwhile to talk about. She says: “I find that if I take the attention off myself and talk about spiritual things with others, I can be more comfortable conversing. It also helps to read the Bible-​based literature we receive regularly. When I keep up-​to-​date with that, I have something new and fresh to share and can converse more easily.”

Try to develop these essential qualities in your conversation. Then you too can bring refreshment and pleasure to others and have the satisfaction of mastering an art that truly fills a human need.