Who Teaches Them About Sex?

WHAT joy a new baby brings! Parents rejoice over it, play with it, and tell their friends almost everything it does. But soon they begin to realize that it also brings them major new responsibilities. Not the least of these is the need to teach it to protect itself in an increasingly immoral world.

How can parents help a beloved little one grow into a mature adult who will enjoy a warm and happy family life and perhaps rear God-​fearing children of its own? Some parents may view this as an almost overwhelming task, so some suggestions will no doubt be appreciated.

You probably teach your children much the way your parents taught you. But many parents were taught little, if anything, about sex. Even if you were taught well, the world has changed, and so have the needs of children. In addition, many readers of this magazine have adopted higher standards and a better way of life. Thus, you should ask yourself: ‘Has the way that I teach my children kept up with my current views and the growing needs of my children?’

Some parents allow their young ones to pick up such information for themselves. But doing that raises the frightening questions: What will they learn? When? From whom, and under what circumstances?

What the Schools Teach

Many parents say: “Oh, they will learn that in school.” Many schools do teach about sex, but few of them teach about morals. Former U.S. Secretary of Education William J. Bennett said in 1987 that schools display “a conscious aversion to making moral distinctions.”

Tom, the father of two lovely daughters, asked their school’s representative: “Why don’t you just say that sex outside of marriage is wrong?” She said that she would like to say that but that the school cannot offend children’s unmarried mothers and their live-​in boyfriends. Thus, schools will tell students that they have choices but will rarely say which choice is right.

‘I’ll Buy a Book’

Other parents may say: “I’ll buy them a book.” Perhaps a good book might help, but you should very carefully make sure that you agree with what it says. Few books on this subject deal with morals or even mention right and wrong. Some actually recommend immoral practices. And it is a rare book indeed that says that sexual activity should be limited to marriage.

Thus, the responsibility for teaching morals to children falls right back where God put it in the first place​—on their loving parents. The Bible told fathers: “Inculcate [God’s laws] in your son and speak of them when you sit in your house and when you walk on the road and when you lie down and when you get up.”​—Deuteronomy 6:7.

Actually, parents can be the best teachers of their children. No book or school can ever replace the power of their conviction or of a sound family example. As William Bennett put it: “Studies show that when parents are the main source of sex education, children are less likely to engage in sex. . . . Parents, more than anyone else, make the difference.”

Some parents, however, are afraid that knowledge may lead to experimentation. This obviously depends to a great degree on what is taught and how it is taught. The reality is that young people are going to learn about sex. Is it not far better for them to learn in a correct and dignified manner from moral and loving parents than from someone in the street or the schoolyard or from dirty-​minded adults?

But the question remains: How can you teach these things in a godly and respectful way? When young people hear that “everybody’s doing it,” how can you convince them that the best and happiest people are not? How can you help them realize that living by the Bible’s rule to “abstain from fornication” not only leads to the best and happiest lives but is also the only way that pleases God? The following articles will suggest valuable answers to these important questions.​—1 Thessalonians 4:3.

When to Start and How Much to Say

MANY conscientious parents seem to think that sex education can be handled during an embarrassing ‘birds and bees’ talk on a ten-​minute walk in the woods with their 13-​year-​old. But all too often this proves to be not only far too little but years too late. It is not unusual for a loving parent to comment: “Almost everything I tried to tell them, it seemed they already knew.”

Is there a better way to teach these important matters? If so, when should parents start, and what can they do and say?

Wisely, almost from the baby’s birth, you should begin laying the foundation for imparting this vital instruction. If you start when the child is young, you can provide information calmly, in small digestible bites that are in keeping with your child’s ability to benefit.

As parents bathe their little ones, they may teach them their body parts: “This is your chest . . . your stomach . . . your knee.” Why skip from the stomach to the knee? Is what is in between shameful? Or is it merely private? Of course, we would not use disrespectful street words for these private parts. But why not simply say “penis” or “vulva”? These too are part of the creation that God called “very good.”​—Genesis 1:31; 1 Corinthians 12:21-24.

Later, perhaps when the child sees a diaper being changed, you could respectfully say that boys have a penis and girls a vulva. You can explain gently that these things are personal. They are to be talked about only in the family, not with other children or with people outside the family.

Thus, you can explain many things before these might become embarrassing, starting early and moving progressively as the child’s ability to comprehend grows.

Explaining Birth

When three to five years of age,a a child may begin to wonder about birth and may ask: “Where do babies come from?” You could simply answer: “You grew in a warm, safe place inside mommy.” This will probably satisfy for the time being. Later the child may ask: “How does the baby get out?” You could answer: “God made a special opening for the baby to come out.” The attention span of young children is short, so the best answers are simple and direct. Provide the needed information a little at a time, saving more for later.

If parents are alert, they can find many opportunities to teach. If a close relative is expecting a baby, a mother could say: “Aunt Susan will probably be having her baby soon​—I was about that size a few weeks before you were born.” The expected birth of a little brother or sister can provide months of exciting and delightful education.

Later the child may wonder: “How did the baby start?” A simple answer is: “A seed from the father meets an egg cell in the mother and a baby starts to grow, just as a seed in the ground will grow into a flower or a tree.” Another time the child may ask: “How does the daddy’s seed get into the mommy?” You could say, respectfully: “You know how a boy is made. He has a penis. A mother has an opening in her body that the penis fits into, and the seed is planted. God made us this way so that babies could grow in a nice, warm place until they are big enough to live on their own. Then a lovely new baby is born!” You can speak in a spirit of wonder at the marvelous way God arranged these things.b

You should be careful never to put questions off with an embarrassed: “I’ll tell you later when you are old enough.” This could heighten children’s curiosity and might even prompt them to seek information from inappropriate sources elsewhere. A child that is old enough to ask the question is old enough to get a simple and respectful answer. Failure to provide one may discourage your children from any longer looking to you for information.

How Soon?

Many parents feel that their children should have a basic understanding of these things at least before they start school, where they may hear much less accurate information from other children.

A grandfather explained: “I had asked no questions, but when I was six years old, my father decided that it was time to explain where babies came from. He said that the sexual union of a man and a woman that might produce a baby was just as natural as eating, but God said that this was only for people who were married. Thus, there would be both a mother and a father to love the child and take care of it.” This grandfather added: “The explanation he gave was just in time. I had already seen six-​year-​olds laughing about immoral pictures they drew that I did not understand.”

Of course, such explanations should be presented, not as something shameful, but as something private. You can repeat that it is a family secret that should not be mentioned to other children or to people outside the family. If your child slips in this regard, you can gently say: “Shhh! Remember, that is our secret. We talk about it only in the family.”

Not Shocking

If the need for this discussion shocks any reader, just think about how many conscientious young parents are searching for a respectful way to explain these matters to their children. Are not straightforward explanations in a loving home far better than the way many parents first learned these things, from sordid sources outside the family?

If you really listen and if you answer questions in a simple and respectful manner, you will make it far easier for your children to come to you with other questions as the years go by and their need for information grows.

[Footnotes]

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An approaching birth provides opportunity for valuable instruction

Vital to Start Early

YOUNG children have the right to a reasonably thorough explanation of how their bodies work and how to protect themselves from immoral people. But when should the instruction start? Earlier than many realize.

Adolescence begins at puberty, the age at which signs of sexual maturing begin to appear. A girl might first menstruate at the age of 10 or even earlier or as late as 16 or later. A boy might have his first nocturnal emission as early as 11 or 12. Will your children be prepared before that time, say by the age of nine?a Will they also know by that young age the importance of preserving their virginity?

Acquaint Them With Bodily Changes

Your daughter has the right to know the God-​given changes that will occur in her body. A mother might mention her period and let her daughter see what kind of protection she uses. She should explain that these changes are normal body processes. In a very positive way, a mother can explain that her daughter’s body will be preparing itself for the time, years from now, when she may marry and become a mother herself. A mother can explain to her daughter that the body prepares for the baby in the womb a special soft, spongy lining that is rich in blood vessels. When a baby is not conceived, the lining will be cast off and pass through the vagina, and this process is called menstruation.

Similarly, your son should know in advance about nocturnal emissions, or wet dreams. (Deuteronomy 23:10, 11) He should understand that the emission of a slippery liquid, at times when he is dreaming, is merely the body’s way of disposing of accumulated semen. Both your sons and your daughters should know that there is nothing wrong with these changes in their bodies. Their bodies are merely being prepared for possible future marriage and parenthood.b

As parents, you should take these matters seriously, for they are divine matters. And you are the teachers that God has appointed.

What Is Safe Sex?

As the years rush by and your youngsters enter their teens, you must make sure that they know that sex between unmarried people is dangerous, regardless of what they may hear to the contrary. Sexually transmitted diseases, including AIDS, have become a worldwide plague. Such diseases may cause infertility, birth defects, cancer, and even death. Moreover, they may be transmitted by people who are not even aware that they are infected.

Your children should realize that no method of contraception has proved altogether effective either in preventing pregnancy or in stopping the transmission of disease. In fact, a surprisingly great number of youngsters who employ various forms of contraception become pregnant. And even though condoms are touted as a defense against contracting AIDS from an infected sex partner, The New England Journal of Medicine reported that condoms fail to prevent the transmission of the AIDS virus as often as 17 percent of the time.

Thus, New York Post columnist Ray Kerrison refuted the claim that condoms ‘reduce to a minimum the risk of contracting AIDS’ by writing: “Some minimum. If you put a bullet in a gun, spin the chamber and play Russian roulette, you have a one-​in-​six chance of killing yourself. With a condom, you have almost a one-​in-​five chance of getting AIDS. We are now able to give the condom-​AIDS hoax its real name. It is sexual roulette.”

Your children should know that the solution to the problem of sexually transmitted diseases is simple. It is to accept God’s arrangement for the use of the divine gift of procreation. Indeed, the safe use of your sexuality is within marriage, ideally in a lifelong union with one beloved person who also has had no other sexual partner.

God’s Instructions a Protection

The Bible says: “A man . . . must stick to his wife.” “You must not commit adultery.” “Let fornication . . . not even be mentioned among you.” “No fornicator . . . has any inheritance in the kingdom of the Christ and of God.”​—Genesis 2:24; Matthew 5:27; Ephesians 5:3, 5.

These instructions are not oppressive. Rather, following them will lead to a happy, close-​knit family. The unborn child will be provided something to which it has a right​—two parents, a mother and a father. Each has different qualities, and each can contribute to the child’s life things that the other does not have.

As parents, both by your teaching and by your example, you must implant Bible-​based principles firmly in your child’s heart and mind. You must build with solid materials​—fire-​resistant ones. As the Bible says: “Each one’s work will become manifest, for the day will show it up, because it will be revealed by means of fire; and the fire itself will prove what sort of work each one’s is.” If you build solidly and your work stands, you will be richly rewarded.​—1 Corinthians 3:13.

But the important question remains: How can you reinforce this training as your children move through their teenage years and toward adulthood?

[Footnotes]

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Preparing your child for bodily changes is important

Those Turbulent Teens

TEENAGERS are surrounded by erotic messages. Sex sells anything from shoes to jeans. Modern music is filled with sexual overtones. On television glamorous adults go from one sexual encounter to another. But is this proper?

A major American newspaper said that the “massive infusion of sexual content” in prime-​time TV is a “disturbing and profoundly irresponsible programming trend.” The Journal of the American Medical Association called it the “exploitation of adolescents by the entertainment and advertising media.”

You must make sure that your children know that not everyone lives that way. Even if, as is claimed, half of America’s 17-​year-​old girls have already had sex, that still means that the other half have not. As former U.S. Secretary of Education William J. Bennett said: “Not ‘everybody’ is doing it, and we might wish to give those youngsters​—half of our seventeen-​year-​olds—​support and reinforcement, too.”

He pointed out that in a survey taken at Grady Memorial Hospital in Atlanta, Georgia, U.S.A., 9 out of 10 girls under the age of 16 “wanted to learn how to say ‘no.’” Can you help your children become convinced that, not just a weak and uncertain reaction, but a positive and unequivocal no is the only right response to any immoral suggestion? Can you help them realize that people who are worthwhile will respect them for this? As a teenager named Emily told a California, U.S.A., newspaper: “The people that are most respected don’t have sex.”

You should help your young ones realize that sex is a powerful force​—so powerful that it has produced the entire human race. This does not mean, however, that it cannot be controlled. Rather, it means that like a high-​powered sports car, it must be used properly, according to the rules of the road. Ignoring the rules on a winding mountain road can lead to disaster. Ignoring the God-​given rules of sexual behavior will have similar results. How can you help your children, whom you love so much, to recognize this fact?

Teach Them That Chastity Has Value

Discuss with your teenager the fine Bible example of the beautiful young Shulammite maiden. She could proudly say: “I am a wall, and my breasts are like towers.” Morally she was like the unscalable wall of a fortress with inaccessible towers. And in the eyes of her prospective husband, she was like one “that is finding peace.” Yes, peace of mind undisturbed by the agony of regret is a rich benefit of chastity.​—Song of Solomon 8:10.

But how can a youth remain morally firm, like a wall? Before such matters ever come up, you must be sure that your maturing youngster knows the need for taking precautions by avoiding circumstances that can, and often do, lead to immorality. For example, they should know that just as drunk driving can lead to disaster, so disaster can be courted at a teenage party where others have brought alcohol or where no responsible adult is present.

Likewise, help them to appreciate that being alone in a house (or an apartment) with another young person of the opposite sex is opening the door to temptation. Youths need to see clearly the moral danger of allowing anyone to whom they are not married to put his or her hand on their private parts, including the breasts. Explain to them that seduction often starts with the sexually stimulating touching of such body parts.​—Compare 1 Corinthians 7:1.

You must help your beloved children to realize that genuine love means infinitely more than sex and that sex outside of marriage is wrong. Some youths engage in sex before making the commitment of marriage. They may have sex with a number of partners without ever getting married. Then, as the years pass and they realize they really need a marriage mate, they find themselves lonely and abandoned. True, no one ever required a commitment of them, but no one ever made a commitment to them either.

Your sons and daughters should know that their virginity is far too precious to be discarded like wastewater. Help your child to see that the full enjoyment of sex can only come within the sacred arrangement of marriage. In beautiful, poetic language, the Bible says: “Drink water out of your own cistern, and tricklings out of the midst of your own well. Should your springs be scattered out of doors, your streams of water in the public squares themselves? Let your water source prove to be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth.”​—Proverbs 5:15, 16, 18.

As loving parents, you must make a particular effort to teach these facts. This is a special challenge today, for pregnancies among those who are not married are commonly accepted. Lillian, an obstetric nurse, says that she is no longer surprised to see terror in the eyes of a 15-​year-​old unwed father as a proud grandparent thrusts into his arms the newborn son that he is neither prepared, willing, nor able to accept.

One television commentator pointed out that many “very young single women with children but no husbands” are often unable to finish school, to work, or to give their children a proper upbringing. These teenage mothers, he said, are “trapped in their own personal tragedies. . . . Poverty is almost inevitable and tends to perpetuate itself in a horrible cycle.”

Your Own Example

Your own behavior will have a strong effect on your children. Sometimes this may be true in more subtle ways than you realize. What happens when a father has a roving eye? Or when a mother says, “What a hunk!” as an eye-​pleasing man walks by? Are such parents encouraging their teenagers to be chaste? If physical features are what you particularly admire, should you be surprised if your children place fleshly attributes ahead of morals, kindness, true love, or the person’s dedication to God?

Teaching your young ones what they need to know about sex therefore encompasses far more than you may have thought. It includes your attitude, the spirit you create in the home, your willingness to teach your youngsters early, as well as the example you set. Obviously, all of this requires time and effort, but the reward is great!

You Still Haven’t Taught Them?

But what if your children are nearly grown, and you still haven’t discussed these things with them? You could simply say: “I really made a mistake in waiting so long to talk to you about these things, but I so want you to have the best life possible that I just have to try now.”

Indeed, it is better to discuss these matters with your children when they are older than never at all. Moral instruction of your young ones is a vital responsibility and a privilege. Ron Moglia of New York University said: “Any parent who relinquishes the right to talk to his child about sex is giving up one of the most wonderful experiences he can have.”

If you have recently come to appreciate God’s moral requirements and your children know that you have not lived by them in the past, be sure they understand why you have now changed. You might suggest that they read this magazine and then arrange to discuss the information. You should never be put off by the young person who says: “Oh, I know all that!” Neither schoolyard myths nor peer-​group stories nor even experience with the mechanics of sex is a substitute for sound moral guidance. The truth is that ignorance can lead to disaster.

Training your children may require a major effort, but the reward can be magnificent! As the Bible states, simply and clearly: “The righteous is walking in his integrity. Happy are his sons after him.”​—Proverbs 20:7.