Chapter 10

The Value of Disciplining in Love

1. What is needed if one’s children are going to be obedient?

OBEDIENT, loving, well-mannered children do not just happen. They are molded and produced through example and discipline.

2. How do the views of many child psychologists conflict with the Bible’s counsel?

² Many child psychologists put a “hands off” sign on children, as did one who said: “Do you mothers realize that every time you spank your child you show that you are hating your child?” But in his Word, God says: “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.” (Proverbs 13:24, Revised Standard Version) A few decades ago, particularly in Western nations, books on child training, with their theories of permissiveness, flooded the market. Discipline would inhibit the child and stunt its development, the psychologists said; and as for spanking, just the thought of it was horrifying to them. Their theories collided head on with Jehovah God’s counsel. His Word says you ‘reap what you sow.’ (Galatians 6:7) What have a few decades of sowing the seeds of permissiveness proved?

3, 4. What has resulted from a lack of proper discipline in the home, and so what do many recommend?

³ The bumper crop of crime and delinquency is well known. Youth crime accounts for over 50 percent of serious crime in many industrialized nations. In some parts of the world, school campuses are hotbeds of class disruptions, fights, verbal abuse and obscenities, vandalism, assault, extortion, arson, robberies, rapes, drugs and murders. A spokesman for a federation of teachers in one major country traced the discipline problem to the school’s failure to reach the children at an early age, and blamed delinquency on the deterioration of the family and the unwillingness of parents to set reasonable standards of behavior for their children. In considering the question of ‘why some members of a family become criminal while others do not,’ The Encyclopædia Britannica says: “Family disciplinary policies may be either too lax, too severe, or too inconsistent. American research has suggested that unsound discipline may be related to about 70 percent of criminal men.”

⁴ The results experienced have led to a reversal of opinion among many and a return to discipline.

THE ROD OF DISCIPLINE

5. What is the Bible’s view of spanking?

⁵ A spanking may be a lifesaver to a child, for God’s Word says: “Do not hold back discipline from the mere boy. In case you beat him with the rod, he will not die. With the rod you yourself should beat him, that you may deliver his very soul from Sheol [the grave] itself.” Again, “Foolishness is tied up with the heart of a boy; the rod of discipline is what will remove it far from him.” (Proverbs 23:13, 14; 22:15) If parents hold their children’s life interests dear to them, they will not weakly or carelessly let disciplinary action slip from their hands. Love will motivate them to take action, wisely and fairly, when it is needed.

6. What does discipline include?

⁶ As regards discipline itself, it is not limited to punishing. Discipline basically means ‘instruction and training that holds to a certain order or framework.’ That is why Proverbs 8:33 says, not ‘feel discipline,’ but “listen to discipline and become wise.” The Christian, according to 2 Timothy 2:24, 25, “needs to be gentle toward all, qualified to teach, keeping himself restrained under evil, instructing with mildness those not favorably disposed.” The word “instructing” here is translated from the Greek word for discipline. The same word is so translated at Hebrews 12:9: “We paid due respect to the earthly fathers who disciplined us; should we not submit even more readily to our spiritual Father, and so attain life?”—New English Bible.

7. What benefits result from discipline by parents?

⁷ A parent who fails to provide discipline will not gain a child’s respect, any more than will rulers gain the respect of citizens when they allow wrongdoing to go on with impunity. Discipline, rightly given, is evidence to a child that his parents care about him. It contributes toward a peaceful home, for “to those who have been trained by it it yields peaceable fruit, namely, righteousness.” (Hebrews 12:11) Disobedient, badly behaved children are a source of irritation in any home, and such children are never truly happy, not even with themselves. “Chastise your son and he will bring you rest and give much pleasure to your soul.” (Proverbs 29:17) After some firm but loving correction, a child can get somewhat of a new outlook and a fresh start and often is far more pleasant company. Discipline, indeed, “yields peaceable fruit.”

8. How can parents discipline in love?

⁸ “Whom Jehovah loves he disciplines.” (Hebrews 12:6) So it is with the parent who truly has his children’s best interests at heart. Disciplining is to be done out of love. Anger may be normal when one becomes provoked by a child’s wrongdoing, but, as the Bible shows, one should be “keeping himself restrained under evil.” (2 Timothy 2:24) After a person has cooled down, a childish sin may not seem so big: “The insight of a man certainly slows down his anger, and it is beauty on his part to pass over transgression.” (Proverbs 19:11; see also Ecclesiastes 7:8, 9.) There may be extenuating circumstances: Perhaps the child is overly tired or does not feel well. Maybe he actually forgot what he had been told; adults do that too, don’t they? But even if some wrongdoing is not to be passed over, the discipline should not be an uncontrolled outburst or a blow that simply releases the emotional pressure of the parent. Discipline involves instruction, and by an angry outburst a child learns a lesson, not in self-control, but in the lack of it. The feeling of being cared for that the child senses in well-administered discipline is absent. Balance, then, is essential and promotes peace.

SETTING FIRM LIMITS

9. In harmony with Proverbs 6:20-23, what should parents provide for their children?

⁹ Parents are to provide guidelines for their children. “Observe, O my son, the commandment of your father, and do not forsake the law of your mother. Tie them upon your heart constantly; bind them upon your throat. When you walk about, it will lead you; when you lie down, it will stand guard over you; and when you have waked up, it itself will make you its concern. For the commandment is a lamp, and a light the law is, and the reproofs of discipline are the way of life.” These parental precepts are to guide and protect the child, and they reflect the parents’ concern for the child’s welfare and happiness.—Proverbs 6:20-23.

10. What can happen when parents fail to discipline their children?

¹⁰ A father who fails in this bears responsibility. Eli, a high priest in ancient Israel, let his sons indulge in greed, disrespect and immorality; he expressed some protest to them but took no real action to put a stop to their wrongdoing. God said: “I am judging his house to time indefinite for the error that he has known, because his sons are calling down evil upon God, and he has not rebuked them.” (1 Samuel 2:12-17, 22-25; 3:13) Similarly, if a mother fails in her duty, she suffers disgrace: “The rod and reproof are what give wisdom; but a boy [or a girl] let on the loose will be causing [the] mother shame.”—Proverbs 29:15.

11. Why do children need to have limits set for them?

¹¹ Children need limits set for them. They are ill at ease without them. Having them and following them make the children feel part of a group; they belong to it and are accepted by it because they conform to its requirements. Permissiveness abandons the young and leaves them floundering on their own. The results show that children need adults who have firm convictions about limits, and who will pass these on. Children need to recognize that there are limits for everyone on earth and that this results in personal happiness and good. Freedom can be enjoyed only when others recognize our area of freedom and we recognize theirs. Overstepping proper limits inevitably means that the offender is going ‘to the point of harming and encroaching upon the rights of his brother.’—1 Thessalonians 4:6.

12. Why is self-discipline important, and how might parents help their children to develop it?

¹² When children learn that defiance of proper limits brings discipline of one kind or another, they come to recognize their own limits, and through parental firmness and guidance they develop the self-discipline needed to live satisfying lives. Either we discipline ourselves from within, or we will be disciplined by some outside source. (1 Corinthians 9:25, 27) If we develop inner discipline and help our children to do the same, our lives and theirs will be happier, freer from troubles and heartaches.

13. What are some important factors for parents to keep in mind when setting forth guidelines for their children?

¹³ Guidelines and limitations for children should be clear to them, fair, and with merciful allowances. Expect neither too much nor too little. Remember their age, for they will act it. Do not expect them to be miniature adults. The apostle said that, when he was a babe, he acted like one. (1 Corinthians 13:11) But once reasonable rules have been established and your children understand them, enforce them promptly and consistently. “Let your word Yes mean Yes, your No, No.” (Matthew 5:37) Children actually appreciate parents who hold to their word, who are consistent and predictable, for they sense their parents’ strength supporting them and feel that they can rely on it when trouble comes and they need help. If their parents are fair yet positive in correcting wrongdoing, this gives children a feeling of security and stability. Children like to know where they stand, and with such parents they do know it.

14. Why is firmness important when children do not respond to direction from their parents?

¹⁴ It takes determination on the part of parents to show firmness when a child balks at obeying a parental order. Some parents then resort to threats of possible punishment, engage in fruitless arguing with the child or turn to attempts at bribing the child to do what they have told it to do. Often all that is needed is simply to be very firm and to tell the child, with conviction, that he must do it and do it now. If a child were about to step in front of an oncoming car, parents would tell it what to do in no uncertain terms. As certain researchers on the subject point out: “Nearly all parents get their children to go to school, . . . to brush their teeth, to stay off the roof, to take baths, and so on. The children often resist. But they comply, nonetheless, because they know the parents mean business.” You can expect your children to ‘tie your guidelines and commandments upon their heart constantly’ only if you reinforce these consistently.—Proverbs 6:21.

15. When parents are inconsistent in enforcing guidelines, how may the children be affected?

¹⁵ When parents spasmodically enforce guidelines according to the whim or mood of the moment, or when discipline for disobedience is long delayed, children are emboldened to chance some violations to see how far they can go and how much they can get away with. When retribution seems to lag, children are like grown-ups in becoming bold in wrongdoing. “Because sentence against a bad work has not been executed speedily, that is why the heart of the sons of men has become fully set in them to do bad.” (Ecclesiastes 8:11) So, say what you mean, and mean what you say. Then your child will recognize that this is the case and will realize that neither pouting, arguing, nor acting as though he feels you are cruel and unloving, will be of any use.

16. To avoid giving unreasonable commands, what should parents do?

¹⁶ This requires thinking before speaking. Rashly made rules or commands are often unreasonable. “Be swift about hearing, slow about speaking, slow about wrath.” (James 1:19) If discipline is not fair and consistent, the natural sense of justice that children possess will be offended, and resentment will develop.

KEEP ENTERTAINMENT UNDER CONTROL

17. What view of work and play should children come to appreciate?

¹⁷ Play is a natural part of a child’s life. (Zechariah 8:5) Parents must recognize this, while gradually introducing into the child’s life an appreciation for work and a sense of responsibility. Then, whatever chores the child may come to have are generally best done first; play comes second.

18. What effect can associates have on children?

¹⁸ Some children become “street children” or virtual strangers at home due to seeking entertainment elsewhere. If the associations are poor, the effects will be poor. (1 Corinthians 15:33) Some association outside the home is, of course, beneficial to the child so as to develop a broadened understanding of people. But when there is too much outside association or it is left uncontrolled, the family circle becomes weakened or even fragmented.

19. What are some things that parents might review to determine whether they are making the home an enjoyable place for their children?

¹⁹ Along with the discipline they give to correct this, parents may well ask themselves what they might do to make the home more enjoyable for their children; whether they are spending enough time with them, not just in instructing or disciplining them, but also in being true friends and companions to their children. Are you usually “too busy” to spend time with your children, to play with them? Once they are missed, opportunities to do things with a child will not come back. Time is one-directional, and the child does not stand still but keeps growing and changing. Seasons flow by, and though it seems like just yesterday that your son was a baby learning to walk, you suddenly realize that he is becoming a young man, and your little girl has been transformed into a young lady. Only if you maintain a good balance and discipline yourself in your own use of time can you avoid slighting the opportunities this precious period offers—or prevent seeing your children draw away from you while yet in tender years.—Proverbs 3:27.

20, 21. Where there is a television in the home, what responsibility should parents assume, and why?

²⁰ Where television is a common source of recreation, limits may need to be set on its use. Some parents use TV as a baby-sitter. It may be convenient and seem to be cheap; but in reality it can prove very costly. Television programs are often saturated with violence and sex. The impression given is that violence is an acceptable way of solving problems; illicit sex appears as an acceptable part of everyday life. Many surveys have shown that this can desensitize a person to such practices, especially young persons. You are concerned that your children eat food that is healthful and not contaminated. You should be even more concerned about what their minds are being fed. As Jesus showed, food does not go into our hearts, but what we take into our minds may enter our hearts.—Mark 7:18-23.

²¹ Control over the kind of programs watched and also the amount of time spent in front of TV can make a big difference in a child’s development. Television can provide some enjoyable entertainment and even education; but if uncontrolled it can become an addiction, consuming enormous amounts of time. Time is life, and some of that time could surely be spent in other more profitable ways. This is because television replaces doing with just seeing. It displaces not only physical activity, but also reading and conversation. A family needs communication and togetherness, and just sitting silently together in the same room watching television is not going to satisfy that need. Where an excess of TV watching is a problem, parents can develop in their children an appreciation for other activities in place of television—healthful play, reading, family activities—particularly if parents themselves take the lead and set the example.

WHEN YOU DISCIPLINE, COMMUNICATE!

22. Why is it important for children to understand the words used by their parents?

²² One parent tells of this experience:

“When my son was just three years old I gave him quite a sermon on lying, how God hates liars, using Proverbs 6:16-19 and other scriptures. He listened and seemed to give the right responses. But I had a feeling he hadn’t got the point. So I asked, ‘Son, do you know what a lie is?’ He said, ‘No.’ After that I always made sure he knew what the words meant and why he was being disciplined.”

23. What might be involved in helping children to see the rightness of a particular course of action?

²³ When children are still infants, parents may only be able to point things out as “no-nos,” such as touching a hot stove. But even with those first simple warnings, reasons can be given. It may be simply that a stove is “hot!” and to touch it will “hurt!” From the start, however, keep before the child the principle that what is involved is for the child’s good; then highlight the desirability of such qualities as kindness, considerateness and love. Help the child to appreciate that these qualities underlie all right requirements or restrictions. Also, emphasize why a certain action expresses these desirable traits or not. When this is done consistently, you may be able to reach not just the child’s mind but his heart.—Matthew 7:12; Romans 13:10.

24. Why is it important for a child to respect authority?

²⁴ Likewise, the need for obedience and respect for authority should be inculcated progressively. During the first year of life, a child’s willingness or unwillingness to respond to adult demands will begin to show. As soon as the child’s mental development allows for it, impress upon him an appreciation of the parents’ responsibility to God. This can make a great difference in the child’s response. Without this, children may view obedience as something they have to express merely because their parents are bigger and stronger than they are. If, instead, the child is helped to see that the parents are not giving their own ideas but are giving the child what the Creator says, what his Word says, this will give a strength to the parents’ counsel and direction that nothing else can. It can be a real source of needed strength when rough areas begin to appear in a child’s young life and he or she begins to feel the stress and strain of holding to right principles in the face of temptation or pressure.—Psalm 119:109-111; Proverbs 6:20-22.

25. How might the counsel at Proverbs 17:9 help parents to discipline their children in the right manner?

²⁵ “The one covering over transgression is seeking love, and he that keeps talking about a matter is separating those familiar with one another.” (Proverbs 17:9) This is true also in parent-child relationships. Once a child has been made aware of his mistake and understands why he needs to be disciplined, and the discipline has been given, love should move the parent to avoid harping on the transgression. Whatever was done, be sure you make clear that what you hate is the wrong, not the child. (Jude 23) The child may feel that he has ‘taken his medicine’ and may view frequent references to the incident as a needless humiliation. It could result in his alienation from the parents or other children in the family. If the parent is concerned that a wrong pattern is developing, then the matter can be dealt with later in some family discussion. Do not simply recite and review past acts, but consider instead the principles involved, how they apply and why they are so important to lasting happiness.

DIFFERENT WAYS TO DISCIPLINE

26. Why do not all children respond in a desirable way to the same kind of discipline?

²⁶ “A rebuke works deeper in one having understanding than striking a stupid one a hundred times.” (Proverbs 17:10) Different children may need to be disciplined differently. The temperament and disposition of the individual child must be considered. One child may be very sensitive, and physical punishment, such as spanking, may not always be necessary. With another, spanking may be ineffective. Or a child may be like the servant described at Proverbs 29:19, one who “will not let himself be corrected by mere words, for he understands but he is paying no heed.” In such a case the child would need corporal punishment.

27. How did one father help his little boy to stop marking on a wall?

²⁷ One mother reports:

“My son was barely two when he wrote on the wall—little red marks not far from the floor. His father showed them to him and asked him about them. All he got was a big-eyed stare, not a Yes or a No. Finally his father said, ‘You know, son, when I was about your age I wrote on a wall. It’s kind of fun, isn’t it?’ Well, the little boy now relaxed, his face was all smiles, and he started an animated conversation about how much fun it was. He knew daddy understood! However, it was explained that even though it was fun, the walls were not the place for marking. Communication was established and, for this child, some further reasoning was all that was required.”

28. How might a parent avoid arguing with a child?

²⁸ When disciplining, to give reasons so as to teach and instruct is fine, but it is not usually advisable to argue with a child. When her child argued about doing certain work, one mother simply said: “When you get it done we will go to the park,” which was to be a treat for the youngster that day. Some pleasure or outing would be withheld until the assigned job was completed. If she came to check and found the work was still undone, she would say, “Oh, not done yet? We’ll go when you’re through.” She didn’t argue, but she got results.

29. What could be done to make a child feel the undesirable consequences of his wrongdoing?

²⁹ Feeling the undesirable consequences of wrong acts can help children to learn the wisdom of right principles. Has a child made a mess? It may be that having to clean it up himself will make the strongest impression. Has he been unfair or rude? Learning to apologize may do the most to correct a wrong trend. He may have broken something in a moment of anger. If he is old enough, he might be required to earn money to replace it. With some children, the denial of certain privileges for a time may bring home the needed lesson. In the Christian congregation the withdrawal of friendly association is a way used to cause some wrongdoers to become ashamed. (2 Thessalonians 3:6, 14, 15) With youngsters, temporary banishment from family companionship can be more effective than spanking. Extremes, however, such as locking a child out of the house, go beyond what love would dictate. Whatever the method used, children need to be shown that they must bear the consequences of their behavior. This teaches them responsibility.

DISCIPLINE IN LOVE

30. Why is balance important when parents set guidelines for their children?

³⁰ “Make sure of the more important things,” keeping in mind that “the wisdom from above is . . . reasonable.” (Philippians 1:10; James 3:17) Remember that young children are bundles of energy that is seeking release, and they are hungry to learn and explore and to try out new things. In setting out limitations and guidelines, show good judgment and be selective. There is a balance to be struck between what is essential and what isn’t. Having made known the limits, then, rather than trying to control every minute detail, allow the child to enjoy moving freely and confidently within those limits. (Proverbs 4:11, 12) Otherwise your children may well become ‘exasperated’ and “downhearted,” and you will find yourself worn out because of making issues of things that are not really of any particular consequence.—Colossians 3:21.

31. What example has Jehovah God set in giving discipline?

³¹ So, parents, “chastise your son [or daughter] while there exists hope,” but do it God’s way, in love. Imitate Him: “The one whom Jehovah loves he reproves, even as a father does a son in whom he finds pleasure.” Make your discipline both valuable and loving, like your Creator’s, for such “reproofs of discipline are the way of life.”—Proverbs 19:18; 3:12; 6:23.

Chapter 11

Keeping the Lines of Communication Open

1, 2. What is communication, and why is it important?

COMMUNICATION is more than just talking. As the apostle Paul put it: If your words are not understood by the hearer, “you will, in fact, be speaking into the air.” (1 Corinthians 14:9) Does what you say get through to your children, and do you really understand what they are trying to tell you?

² For true communication, there must be a transmitting of thoughts, ideas and feelings from one mind to another. If love may be called the heart of happy family living, then communication could be called its lifeblood. Breakdowns in communication between marriage mates spell trouble; they are equally serious, if not more so, when they come between parents and children.

TAKING A LONG-RANGE VIEW

3. During what period in a child’s life should parents expect problems in communication?

³ The greatest stresses on the lines of communication between parents and their children come, not during the early years of a child’s life, but during adolescence—the “teen-age” years. Parents should recognize that this is going to be the case. It is unrealistic for them to expect that, because the earlier years of their children’s lives are relatively trouble free, those later years will be also. Problems will definitely come, and clear, effective communication can be a key factor in solving or reducing them. Realizing this, parents need to look ahead, think ahead, for “better is the end afterward of a matter than its beginning.”—Ecclesiastes 7:8.

4. Must all family communication be in the form of conversation? Explain.

⁴ Many things go into establishing, building up and keeping family lines of communication operating. Over the years, a man and his wife can build up a depth of confidence, trust and mutual understanding that make communication possible even without words—just a look, a smile or a touch can speak volumes for them. They should aim to build up the same strong basis for communication with their children. Before a baby understands speech, parents communicate to it feelings of security and love. While the children are growing up, if the family works, plays and, more than that, worships together, then strong lines of communication are established. Keeping those lines open, however, calls for real effort and wisdom.

ENCOURAGING YOUR CHILD TO BE EXPRESSIVE

5-7. (a) Why is it good for parents to be careful about stopping a child from speaking? (b) How could parents teach children about politeness and courtesy?

⁵ The old saying is that “children should be seen and not heard.” True—at times. Children need to learn that, as God’s Word says, there is “a time to keep quiet and a time to speak.” (Ecclesiastes 3:7) But children crave attention, and parents must guard against stifling free expression unnecessarily. Do not expect a small child’s response to experiences to be the same as an adult’s. The adult sees a single incident as just part of the broad panorama of life. The child may become very excited and so wholly absorbed in some matter of immediate interest that he forgets almost everything else. A small child may burst into the room and excitedly begin relating some event to his father or mother. If the parent cuts the child off with an irritated “Quiet down!” or makes some other angry expression, the child’s enthusiasm may be crushed. Childish chatter may not seem to convey much. But, by encouraging natural expression from your children, you may prevent them later in life from keeping to themselves things that you want and need to know.

⁶ Politeness and courtesy contribute to good communication. Children should learn to be polite, and parents should set the example for them in their own communication with the children, as well as in other ways. Reproof will be necessary and should be given when needed, even with severity. (Proverbs 3:11, 12; 15:31, 32; Titus 1:13) However, if children are habitually cut off, continually corrected or, worse, disparaged and even ridiculed by a parent when they speak, they will likely become withdrawn—or they will go to someone else when they want to talk. The older the son or daughter grows, the more this becomes the case. Why not do this—at the end of this day stop and review your conversations with your son or daughter, and then ask yourself: How many times did I say things that expressed appreciation, encouragement, commendation or praise? On the other hand, how many times did I say things that implied the opposite, that tended to ‘put him or her down,’ that suggested dissatisfaction, irritation or exasperation? You may be surprised at what your review reveals.—Proverbs 12:18.

⁷ Parental patience and self-control are frequently needed. Youths are inclined to be impetuous. They may blurt out what is on their minds, perhaps interrupting an adult conversation. A parent could bluntly rebuke a young one. But sometimes it may be wiser to listen politely, thereby furnishing an example of self-control and then, after answering briefly, kindly remind the child of the need to be polite and considerate. So, here again, the counsel may apply to be “swift about hearing, slow about speaking, slow about wrath.”—James 1:19.

8. How might parents encourage their children to come to them for guidance?

⁸ You want your children to feel moved to seek your guidance when they have problems. You can encourage them to do that by showing that you also seek guidance in life and have someone to whom you look with submission. In commenting on a way he establishes good communication with his children while they are still small, one father said this:

“Nearly every night I have prayers with the children at bedtime. They are generally in their bed, and I kneel beside it and hold them in my arms. I say a prayer and often they say one afterward. It is not uncommon for them to kiss me and say, ‘Daddy, I love you,’ and then reveal something that is in their heart. In the warmth of their bed and the security of their father’s embrace they may tell of some personal problem they want help with or maybe just make an expression of affection.”

At mealtimes and on other occasions, if your prayers are—not routine—but expressive, spoken from the heart and reflecting a genuine personal relationship with your heavenly Creator and Father, this can contribute immeasurably toward a wholesome relationship with your offspring.—1 John 3:21; 4:17, 18.

THE TRANSITION YEARS

9. What can be said about the problems and needs of adolescents when compared with those of younger children?

⁹ Adolescence is a time of transition, a time when your son or daughter is no longer a child but is not yet an adult. Teen-age bodies are undergoing changes, and these affect emotions. The problems and needs of teen-agers differ from those in the preteen period. So the parents’ approach to those problems and needs must be adjusted, for what worked for the preteen-ager will not always work for the adolescent. There is need for more giving of reasons, and this calls for more, not less, communication.

10. (a) Why are simple explanations about sex not sufficient for adolescents? (b) How might parents get into discussions with their child about sex?

¹⁰ The simple explanations you gave to your small child about sex, for example, will not meet the needs of adolescents. They feel sex urges, but embarrassment often keeps them from approaching their father or mother with questions. Parents must take the initiative, and this will not be easy unless they have built up and maintained good lines of communication, particularly by being warm companions of their children, in work and play. The onset of seminal emissions for the boy or menstruation for the girl will be less upsetting if they have been explained beforehand. (Leviticus 15:16, 17; 18:19) A father may, perhaps while on a walk with his son, bring up the matter of masturbation, mentioning that most young men have at least some problem with it, and ask, ‘How are you doing in that regard?’ or ‘Have you found it to be a problem?’ Even some family discussions can deal with related problems of adolescence, with both father and mother contributing their counsel in a relaxed but frank way.

UNDERSTANDING THE NEEDS OF TEEN-AGERS

11. In what ways do adolescents differ from adults?

¹¹ “Acquire wisdom; and with all that you acquire, acquire understanding.” (Proverbs 4:7) As parents, be wise in the ways of the young; show insight as to their feelings. Do not forget how it was for you to be young. Remember, too, that while every older person was once young and knows what it was like, no young person has ever experienced being old. The adolescent youth doesn’t want to be treated like a child anymore, but he is not an adult and does not have many adult interests yet. He still has a lot of play in him and needs some time for it.

12. How do teen-agers want to be treated by their parents?

¹² There are certain things that youths especially want from parents at this stage of life. They want to be understood; they want, more than ever, to be treated as individuals; they want guidelines and direction that are consistent and that take into account their approach to adulthood; they want very much to feel needed and appreciated.

13. How might teen-age children react to parental restrictions, and why?

¹³ Parents should not be surprised because some measure of resistance to restrictions begins to surface in adolescence. This is due to the youths’ approach to eventual independence and the normal desire for wider latitude of movement and choice. Helpless babies need constant parental care, small children need careful protection, but as they grow older the field of activity widens, and the ties with those beyond the family circle increase and strengthen. The gropings toward independence may make a son or daughter somewhat difficult to deal with. Parents cannot let their authority be ignored or overruled—for their children’s own good. But they can cope wisely and maintain communication if they keep in mind what motivates this possibly disturbing conduct.

14. How might parents deal successfully with a child’s desire for greater independence?

¹⁴ Confronted with their son’s or daughter’s urge for greater independence, what are parents to do? That urge is like a compressed spring held in the hand. Let it go suddenly and it will fly off uncontrolled in an unpredictable direction. Hold it in too long and you exhaust yourself and weaken it. But let it go gradually in a controlled way and it will stand in its proper place.

15. What shows that Jesus’ growth to adulthood came under parental direction?

¹⁵ We find an example of such controlled growth toward independence in the case of Jesus as a young lad. Of his preteen years, the historical account at Luke 2:40 says that “the young child continued growing and getting strong, being filled with wisdom, and God’s favor continued upon him.” His parents doubtless played a major role in his development, for, though he was perfect, his wisdom would not be automatic. They regularly provided the spiritual climate for his training, as the account goes on to relate. At the age of 12, while the family was in Jerusalem attending the Passover festival, Jesus went to the temple and engaged in conversation with the religious teachers there. Evidently his parents allowed their 12-year-old son this degree of freedom of movement. They departed from Jerusalem without realizing that he was being left behind, perhaps assuming that he was with other returning friends or relatives. Three days later they found him at the temple, not trying to teach his elders but “listening to them and questioning them.” His mother pointed out the mental anguish they had experienced and Jesus, with no disrespect, in effect replied that he thought they would surely know where to find him when they were ready to leave. Though he exercised some freedom of movement, the account says that Jesus thereafter “continued subject to them,” adjusting to their guidelines and restrictions as he entered his teen years, and he “went on progressing in wisdom and in physical growth and in favor with God and men.”—Luke 2:41-52.

16. When parents experience problems with an adolescent, what should they keep in mind?

¹⁶ Similarly, parents should allow teen-age sons or daughters a degree of independence, gradually increasing it as they near adulthood, letting them make more and more personal decisions, under parental guidance and supervision. When difficulties arise, understanding why will help parents to avoid making great issues of minor things. Many times a teen-ager is not deliberately rebelling against his parents, but he is trying to establish a degree of independence without knowing how to go about it. So, the parents may make mistakes, perhaps making issues of the wrong things. If the matter is not too serious, let it pass. But when it is serious, be firm. Do not ‘strain out gnats’ nor ‘swallow camels.’—Matthew 23:24.

17. What factors should parents take into consideration when placing restrictions on adolescent children?

¹⁷ Parents can help the continuance of a fine relationship with their adolescent sons and daughters by showing good balance in the restrictions they place on them. Remember that while the “wisdom from above is first of all chaste,” it is also “reasonable” and “full of mercy,” “not hypocritical.” (James 3:17) There are some things that the Bible shows to be totally unacceptable, including stealing, fornication, idolatry and similar gross wrongs. (1 Corinthians 6:9, 10) With many other things, the rightness or wrongness may depend on the extent or degree to which a matter is carried. Food is good, but if we eat too much we become gluttons. So, too, with some forms of recreation, such as dancing, playing games, having parties, or similar activities. Many times it is not what is done, but the way it is done and the company in which it is done. So, just as we would not condemn eating when what we really mean is gluttony, parents would not want to make a blanket condemnation of some youthful activity if the real objection is to the extreme form or degree to which some carry it, or to some undesirable circumstances that could creep in.—Compare Colossians 2:23.

18. How might parents caution their children about associates?

¹⁸ All young people feel the need for having friends. Few may be considered “ideal,” but, then, don’t your own children have their weak points? You may want to restrict their associations with some young persons because of viewing these as potentially harmful. (Proverbs 13:20; 2 Thessalonians 3:13, 14; 2 Timothy 2:20, 21) With others, you may see some things you like and some things you do not like. Rather than excluding one completely because of some lack, you may want to express appreciation to your children for their friend’s good qualities while pointing out the need for caution in the weaker areas, encouraging your son or daughter to prove a force for good in those areas, to the lasting benefit of the friend.

19. In harmony with the principle set forth at Luke 12:48, how can children be helped to have the right view of freedom?

¹⁹ One way to aid your teen-age son or daughter to develop a right view toward increased freedom is to help him or her see that greater responsibility goes with greater freedom. “To whom much was given, much will be demanded of him.” (Luke 12:48) The more responsible children show themselves to be, the greater trust the parents can place in them.—Galatians 5:13; 1 Peter 2:16.

COMMUNICATING COUNSEL AND CORRECTION

20. What besides power or authority over children is needed to prevent a breakdown of communication?

²⁰ If a person counsels you but doesn’t understand your position, you feel his counsel is unrealistic. If he has the power to force you to follow his demands, you may resent this as unjust. Parents should keep in mind that “the understanding heart is one that searches for knowledge,” and “a man of knowledge is reinforcing power.” (Proverbs 15:14; 24:5) You may have power over your children, but, if it is reinforced by knowledge and understanding, you will be more effective in communicating with them. Failure to show understanding when correcting young persons can lead to a “generation gap” and a breakdown of communication.

21. How should parents handle children who become involved in serious wrongdoing?

²¹ What will you do if your child does get into difficulty, makes a serious mistake or commits some wrong that takes you by surprise? You should never condone the wrong. (Isaiah 5:20; Malachi 2:17) But realize that now of all times your son or daughter needs understanding help and skillful direction. Like Jehovah God, you may in effect say, ‘Come and let us set matters straight; the situation is serious, but by no means beyond repair.’ (Isaiah 1:18) Angry outbursts or harsh condemnations may throttle communication. All too many youths who go wrong have said: ‘I couldn’t talk to my parents—they would have been furious with me.’ Ephesians 4:26 says: “If you are angry, do not let anger lead you into sin.” (New English Bible) Hold your emotions in check while you hear what your son or daughter has to say. Then your fairness in listening will make the correction you give easier to accept.

22. Why should parents never imply that they have given up on their children?

²² Perhaps it is not just one incident but a period of difficulty, a pattern of manifesting some undesirable trait. Though discipline is essential, parents must never by word or spirit imply that they have given up on the child. Your long-suffering will be a measure of the depth of your love. (1 Corinthians 13:4) Do not combat evil with evil, but conquer it with good. (Romans 12:21) Only harm is done if a youth is humiliated before others by statements that he is “lazy,” “rebellious,” “good for nothing,” or “hopeless.” Love does not stop hoping. (1 Corinthians 13:7) A youth may go so far as to become delinquent and leave home. Though in no way expressing approval, parents can keep the way open for his return. How? By showing that they reject, not him, but his course. They can continue to express to him their belief that he has within him good qualities and their hope that these will win out. If that proves to be the case, he will, like the prodigal son of Jesus’ illustration, be able to turn homeward with the assurance that his repentant return will not be greeted with harshness or coldness.—Luke 15:11-32.

A SENSE OF INDIVIDUAL WORTH

23. Why is it important for adolescents to feel that they are valuable members of the family?

²³ All human creatures need some recognition, to be accepted and approved, to feel that they belong. To get the acceptance and approval needed, of course, a person cannot become too independent. He must stay within the bounds of conduct approved by the group with which he belongs. Youths in their teens feel that need to belong in the family. Make them feel that they are valuable members of the family circle, contributing to its welfare, even being allowed to share in some of the family’s planning and decisions.

24. What should parents avoid doing so that one child does not become envious of another child?

²⁴ “Let us not become egotistical,” says the apostle, “stirring up competition with one another, envying one another.” (Galatians 5:26) Praise from a parent when a son or daughter does well will help to prevent such a spirit from rising; but comparing a youth unfavorably with someone else who is frequently held up as superior will create envy or resentment. The apostle said that each one should “prove what his own work is, and then he will have cause for exultation in regard to himself alone, and not in comparison with the other person.” (Galatians 6:4) The youth wants to be accepted for what he himself is and for who he is and for what he is able to do, being loved by his parents for these things.

25. How can parents aid their children to develop a sense of worth?

²⁵ Parents can help their son or daughter develop a sense of worth by training such a one to take on life’s responsibilities in all areas. They have been training their children since infancy, in honesty, truthfulness and right treatment of others; they build on this earlier foundation by showing how these qualities apply in human society. How to take on the responsibility of a job and be dependable at it is included. Jesus, in his “progressing in wisdom” as a teen-ager, evidently learned a trade at his foster father Joseph’s side, for even when he reached the age of 30 and began his public Kingdom work, people referred to him as “the carpenter.” (Mark 6:3) During the teen-age period, boys especially should learn what it means to work and to satisfy an employer or a customer, even though the work be as simple in nature as running errands. They can be shown that by being diligent, serious and reliable workers they gain self-respect and the respect and appreciation of others; that not only are they a credit to their parents and family but they also “adorn the teaching of our Savior, God, in all things.”—Titus 2:6-10.

26. What ancient custom acknowledged that a daughter was a valuable member of the family?

²⁶ Daughters, too, can learn the arts of housekeeping and homemaking and earn appreciation and praise both inside and outside the family. A daughter’s potential worth to her family is illustrated by the practice in Bible times of exacting a dowry or bride price when a daughter was given in marriage. This was doubtless viewed as a compensation for the loss of her services to the family.—Genesis 34:11, 12; Exodus 22:16.

27. Why should educational opportunities be used to good advantage?

²⁷ Opportunities for education should be used to good advantage to equip young ones for meeting life’s challenges in the present system of things. Such young ones are included in the apostle’s encouragement that “our people also learn to maintain fine works [honest employment, New English Bible] so as to meet their pressing needs, that they may not be unfruitful.”—Titus 3:14.

THE PROTECTION OF THE BIBLE’S MORAL CODE

28, 29. (a) What counsel does the Bible give about associations? (b) How can parents help their children to heed this counsel?

²⁸ Parents are understandably concerned when circumstances, perhaps the neighborhood in which they live or the school their children attend, oblige these to associate with some youths who are delinquent and self-destructive. Parents may realize the truth of the Bible’s statement that “bad associations spoil useful habits.” They are therefore unwilling to accept the begging child’s argument: ‘Everyone else gets to do it; why can’t I?’ Probably not everyone is, but even so, it isn’t reason enough for your child to do it if it is wrong or unwise. “Do not be envious of bad men [or children], and do not show yourself craving to get in with them. For despoiling is what their heart keeps meditating, and trouble is what their own lips keep speaking. By wisdom a household will be built up, and by discernment it will prove firmly established.”—1 Corinthians 15:33; Proverbs 24:1-3.

²⁹ You cannot trail your children through school or through life. However, by building up your household with wisdom you can send with them a good moral code and right principles for guidance. “The words of the wise ones are like oxgoads.” (Ecclesiastes 12:11) In ancient times these goads were long sticks with pointed tips. They were used to prod the animals to keep moving in the right direction. Wise words of God will keep us moving the right way, and, if we stray, will cause our conscience to prick us to change our course. For your children’s lasting welfare, send such wisdom along with them. Communicate it to them by both word and example. Instill a set of true values, and that is what your children will seek in others they choose as personal companions.—Psalm 119:9, 63.

30. How can parents provide their children with a God-given moral code?

³⁰ In all of this, remember that moral values are far more likely to be instilled if there is a home atmosphere in which those principles are respected and followed. Have the attitudes you want your children to have. In your own home, within the family circle, be sure that your children find adult understanding, love, forgiveness, a safe degree of freedom and independence along with justice and fairness, and the feeling of acceptance and belonging that they need. In these ways communicate to them a God-given moral code to take with them beyond the family circle. You can give them no finer heritage.—Proverbs 20:7.