Parents, Do You Train Your Children?

“Train up a boy according to the way for him; even when he grows old he will not turn aside from it.”—Prov. 22:6

1. (a) When should parents consider the future of their child, and how thorough a training program should they prepare for? (b) What goal should parents firmly fix in the child’s mind, and what assurance do parents have if they follow out Jehovah’s injunction at Proverbs 22:6?

PARENTS, before ever your child is born, stop and reflect upon his future, the goals that you will set before him and on how he may reach those goals with your help. Begin at this point to formulate a series of instructions as thorough and complete as you possibly can devise. Be ready to teach your child how he must conduct himself in every step of life. When he begins to understand—yes, in early childhood—explain the future before him. Show him his duties and responsibilities. Give him instruction and direction on how to perform the duties, escape the dangers and secure the blessings, which all lie before him. Fix firmly the goal of everlasting life in the child’s mind by daily inculcation; then by example slowly lead him step by step in the way of life that you have outlined before him, until each step has become a strongly set habit. Pray without ceasing for Jehovah’s blessing on all this teaching and training. Then you have obeyed the injunction of Jehovah: “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” (Prov. 22:6, RS) We have God’s Word for it that such training of a child when he is young and impressionable will never be effaced and that such good habits will never be destroyed.

2. What does the Hebrew word hhandákh mean, and what attitude should parents adopt toward the training of their child?

² The Hebrew word hhanákh, translated to “train up” or “initiate,” also means to dedicate. It is often used in connection with the dedicating of a person, a house or anything to the service of God. Therefore, parents, dedicate your child to God; then teach, train and discipline him as God’s child, whom he has entrusted to your care. “Look! sons are a possession from Jehovah; the fruitage of the belly is a reward.” (Ps. 127:3) If parents observe these sayings and illustrate them by their own conduct, then their sons and daughters will have the way of life laid out plainly before them and will find no just cause to depart therefrom.

3. What lesson can be learned from the animal kingdom that parents must drive home to their children?

³ Parents of the animal kingdom take great pains to train their young for survival. Take mother deer and her little fawn, for an example. What does the baby deer know about the vicious mountain lion and how to escape becoming a meal for this powerful beast? Virtually nothing. But Jehovah has instilled in the mother deer wisdom concerning survival techniques. Instinctively the mother deer trains her little ones how to escape danger and survive. Her first rule is implicit obedience to instruction. When danger threatens, the mother deer commands her young to lie absolutely motionless. Being magnificently camouflaged and perfectly still, the fawn remains hid from its enemies. The lion roars to frighten the young to move and betray its position. It might appear wiser for the little deer to leap up and run for its life. But how far do you think it would get before the hungry lion would pounce on it? Not very far. The little one obeys its mother until danger is past. The mother then returns and indicates to its young that it is free to move. The little one hops about happy to be alive. The mother gives it an affectionate lick for having obeyed. Yes, obedience means life, disobedience means death. This vital lesson parents of humankind must drive home to their children.

4. Before parents can teach Bible principles, what must they know, and what Scriptural advice is offered to children?

⁴ Before parents can inculcate survival techniques as set forth in God’s Word, the Bible, they themselves must know and be guided by them. To Israelite parents Moses said: “These words that I am commanding you today must prove to be on your heart.” After that Moses declared: “You must inculcate them in your son and speak of them when you sit in your house and when you walk on the road and when you lie down and when you get up.” (Deut. 6:4-9) Children are commanded by Jehovah to listen to such theocratically trained parents: “Observe, O my son, the commandment of your father, and do not forsake the law of your mother. Tie them upon your heart constantly; bind them upon your throat. When you walk about, it will lead you; when you lie down, it will stand guard over you, and when you have waked up, it itself will make you its concern. For the commandment is a lamp, and a light the law is, and the reproofs of discipline are the way of life.” Children must be made to know that it is Jehovah’s will respecting them that they listen to parental instruction, for such is the way of life.—Prov. 6:20-23; 4:10-13, 20-24.

HOME, CENTER OF TRAINING

5. What is the center of child training, who heads it, and why is this leadership essential?

⁵ The home is the center of theocratic training. What happens in the home will affect the child the rest of its life. The head of this training center is the father. He is to shoulder the responsibility by taking the lead in the instructing of his children. The Bible emphasizes the major role fathers are to play in the educating of their children, in these words: “You, fathers, do not be irritating your children, but go on bringing them up in the discipline and authoritative advice of Jehovah.” (Eph. 6:4) Dr. Benjamin Spock says: “Some fathers have been brought up to think that the care of babies and children is the mother’s job entirely. This is the wrong idea.” As the Bible shows, a man needs to be with his children for their development. If he is not with them it affects their growth, whether he cares to have it so or not. The child is very fond of its father. “My father knows what he is talking about,” the child says. But when father fails to instruct or take the lead, or if he becomes overly critical or too strict and harsh, the child is inwardly hurt. He expects more of his father and rightly so.

6. What five factors did a test reveal that highlighted home training?

⁶ Recently, a test was taken that showed five factors that differentiated a large number of delinquent children from a large number of non-delinquent children. This test, which covered a ten-year period, revealed the differentiating factors to be: (1) discipline by father, (2) supervision by mother, (3) affection of father, (4) affection of mother, and (5) cohesiveness of family. The surprising discovery was the accent children placed on father’s guidance, affection and discipline. The overly strict, harsh, unreasonable father scored low. The firm, kindly father scored high. The careless mother who allowed her child to roam the streets was rated poor. There is no escaping this one fact: whether children turn out to be good or bad depends largely on the training they receive in the home by father and mother.

7. Why do Sunday schools not take the place of the home as training centers?

⁷ Parents must not deceive themselves into thinking that they are fulfilling God’s injunction to train up a child simply by sending the youngster off to some Sunday school or other religious meeting. Basic religious instruction is to be received in the home. This responsibility parents cannot lightly pass off to another. Reports show God’s blessing is not on the Sunday school system. Even though there are more than 36,000,000 children attending classes in close to 300,000 Sunday schools in the United States, “few lives are transformed into a true Christ-filled discipleship,” said a prominent minister. We want our children to grow up, not on a diet of anemic faith, but on strong spiritual food that is capable of turning them into mature Christian men and women with renewed personalities. The place for such instruction is in the home with the parents in the lead position.

A SPECIFIC DAY-TO-DAY PROGRAM

8. What specific program should the parents have for the children, and why is setting a specific time each day so important?

⁸ Home training has a better chance of succeeding if the parents have a specific day-to-day program outlined for the children to follow. At a set time each day the Bible should be read, then a brief review should follow to see if the children understood what was read. The same procedure should be followed each day when discussing the text and comments from the Yearbook of Jehovah’s Witnesses. There should also be a weekly home Bible study with the children and a weekly family Watchtower study in which the children should be made to participate. Note: the day and time for each of these studies should be definite so that on that specific day and hour the child will know exactly what to expect. Once study habits are formed they will be hard to break. Then, whenever the child is away from home, his mind will be drawn to what mother and father are doing at those specific hours. This draws the child closer into the family circle, and it will cause him to reflect on the good things learned at home.

9. Name the various things parents should teach children, and tell why.

⁹ Children commit things to memory very easily. Train them to use their minds to remember important Bible passages. Teach them to pronounce the names of Bible books, other Bible names and words accurately. Instruct them in Bible doctrine. Instill in them the ability to make decisions, to distinguish right from wrong. Train them to have will power. It will help them to resist temptation when they grow older. Instruct them to share things with others. This will create in them a spirit of generosity. Be slow to criticize, quick to sympathize. Children must be taught respect for sacred things, and consideration for older brothers and sisters, compassion for the sick, kindness toward all. (Lev. 19:32) They must be taught humility, modesty and morality. When a child is ten it is intensely moral. Instill in this receptive mind the Bible principles of morality. Teach it the rights and wrongs of association with the opposite sex, how to conduct itself at social gatherings, and so forth. Big and little things count very much during these impressionable years; so, parents, train your children. Train them to be neat persons in dress, in habits of speech and in other things while in the privacy of their homes as well as in public. Train them to care for their own rooms, shoes, clothes, and so forth. In matters of money teach them the difference between extravagance and prudence, between stinginess and generosity. Let them give out of their own allowance for the upkeep of the Kingdom Hall. Let them pay for the literature they use; thereby teach them the value of money. Teach them to pray thoughtful, meaningful prayers. Inculcate in them the best of manners and they will be most grateful to you for having so trained them. In turn, you will reap great joy for your patience and hard work: “The father of a righteous one will without fail be joyful; the one becoming father to a wise one will also rejoice in him. Your father and your mother will rejoice, and she that gave birth to you will be joyful.” However, “a stupid son is a vexation to his father and a bitterness to her that gave him birth.” “Anyone becoming father to a stupid child—it is a grief to him; and the father of a senseless child does not rejoice.” (Prov. 23:24, 25; 17:25, 21) Training in youth will make the difference.

DISCIPLINING AND TRAINING

10. Why is Manoah’s prayerful course a good example for parents today?

¹⁰ Parents, call upon Jehovah for direction on how to train and discipline your child. Manoah, the father of Samson, wanted his son to grow up in the right way. So he prayed to Jehovah for guidance in the training of his boy. “Excuse me, Jehovah,” prayed Manoah. “The man of God that you just sent, let him, please, come again to us and instruct us as to what we ought to do to the child that will be born.” “Accordingly God listened to the voice of Manoah and the angel of God came” and instructed them. Their son grew up to be a faithful servant of Jehovah. (Judg. 13:8-14) Follow this good example. Pray to Jehovah for guidance, and then follow his direction in his Word.

11. Why do good children need oversight and direction, and what do various authorities say about disciplining children?

¹¹ However good a child’s intentions, he is still a child and must be dealt with as a child. Constant oversight is necessary, because “foolishness is tied up with the heart of a boy,” says the Proverbs; “the rod of discipline is what will remove it far from him.” Parents must be reasonably consistent in their instruction. They must feel, speak and act as if they expect the child to behave, and see to it that he does. There are times when the literal rod should be used to keep the peace and respect of the family. The Scriptures advise: “Do not hold back discipline from the mere boy. In case you beat him with the rod, he will not die. With the rod you yourself should beat him, that you may deliver his very soul from Sheol itself.” (Prov. 22:15; 23:13, 14) Says Dr. Spock, “Firm guidance, which springs from devotion, is not only good for children—they love it!” The father and mother must care enough for their child to teach him right and wrong. J. Edgar Hoover, director of the U.S. Federal Bureau of Investigation, said: “Discipline, fairly and consistently invoked, breeds pride and respect. And children want—desperately—to be disciplined. Superficially, they may rebel. But on a deeper level, where character is formed, a child wants to be told what he can and cannot do. He needs guideposts to help him orient himself to the world. He looks to his parents for these guideposts. If parents are lazy or indifferent or over-indulgent, is it any wonder that a child loses love and respect for them? How can a child continue to look up to a parent who continually compromises and yields to him?” Along this same line Judge Philip B. Gilliam of the Juvenile Court of Denver, Colorado, gave some direct advice of interest and help to conscientious parents, saying: “Young people need a lot of parental love in their lives. That means supplying the sturdy discipline they require and unknowingly crave. And it means giving wisely of yourself, your experience and judgment.” So do not hold back discipline from the mere boy. A good pat on the back, only lower down, will not kill him. It will assure him that you care. The following scriptures emphasize the wisdom of the use of discipline: Proverbs 3:11, 12; 4:1; 13:1, 24; 19:18; 22:15; 23:13, 14.

12. Show how a seemingly clear order might be confusing to a child. What must parents do to make instruction clear to children?

¹² Spanking may not always be the answer when your child disobeys. Tact, poise, wisdom and a little good sense on your part as parents pay off. A warm smile is very disarming; even little children cannot resist it. However, before you scold your child make sure he, and not you yourself, is at fault. For example, you may say, “Johnny, don’t scribble in the Society’s books, or else you’ll get a whipping!” That sounds clear enough to you, but is it to Johnny? You allow him to mark up other books. He sees you underlining your Bible, so in the little mind the thought is, “Why not this one?” So in your training of your child let him know in a way that he will understand. “This book belongs to daddy. You must not mark in it.” Or, “This book is to be placed in service. There must be no marks in it—understand?” Give him a reason for your order. A spanking will not always help.

13, 14. (a) What goal will parents want to set before their child, and how? (b) In what way can parents train their child in the house-to-house ministry? (c) What qualities will help the child to see that the ministry is a desirable career to pursue? (d) How can parents train their children to do work and accept responsibility?

¹³ Theocratic parents will want to instill in their child a desire to become one of Jehovah’s ministers. Set this goal before the heart of the child early. You can best do this by setting a good example yourself. Take your child with you from house to house in the ministry, on back-calls and home Bible studies. Explain to him why you do things. You must make sure the child understands both how and why he is expected to do things. Tell him why you gave that particular sermon at the door, why you offered the book instead of the magazines. Invite his comments. Inculcate respect with reasons. It is best not to be dictating always.—Ex. 12:26, 27.

¹⁴ Kindness, warmth and understanding go a long way toward creating in the child a desire to become one of Jehovah’s witnesses. It is not enough just to say to your son or daughter, “I want you to be a minister for Jehovah.” The child must see in you a good reason for becoming one. What you say, how you live and conduct yourself are weighed in the child’s mind for or against the ministry. So if you mingle your training with tender love and affection, the child will see that the ministry is a desirable career to pursue. Do not be hesitant about telling your child how much you love having him with you at the Kingdom Hall, how pleased you are with his comments and note-taking. Encourage him whenever you can and do it sincerely. The effect for good is overwhelming. Express your appreciation for even the slightest work he may do. He may be slow and inefficient, but remember, he is still a child. It takes him longer to see and do things. Do not make a big issue or, as children say, “a federal case” out of everything. Make things seem natural, easy and right when training them. “As long as a job is fun,” says a disenchanted father, “the kids are dynamos; but when work becomes routine or requires some extra effort, off they go.” Well, then, make washing dishes, mowing the lawn, polishing the car, cleaning the Kingdom Hall, the service center activity and the field ministry pleasurable—“fun.” Be patient, however, with children. Good work habits and attitudes take time to develop. But with good adult example and good adult-child co-operation, the goal of the ministry can be attained. Dr. Charlotte D. Elmott, director of guidance and secondary education in the Santa Barbara schools, in California, declared: “Once young people get experience in a job, they really begin to grow up.” Train them to accept little jobs at first, then to accept heavier work and responsibility. Soon they will be in position to take the lead in the service and assume servant duties. Do not withhold from them this privilege. Also, equip your child with a trade and perhaps a hobby. This will help to keep him balanced when he grows older.

LITTLE THINGS MEAN A LOT

15. In what way can parents use tact when training their children?

¹⁵ Children are very sensitive. Little things mean a lot to them. “If only mother and dad would be more appreciative,” they say. Be appreciative. Commend your child whenever you can. Be sympathetic and understanding. Say, “I thought that review was rather difficult, but you have a fine grade.” Always have something good to say to take the sharpness out of your criticism. “I thought you gave a good talk at the theocratic ministry school, son. But keep working on the points the school servant mentioned.” Only when absolutely necessary rebuke. Even then, cushion such blows with love and affection and an understanding tone. Bear in mind: “A rebuke works deeper in one having understanding.” Also, we are told “to be tactful toward all,” which includes our children.—Prov. 17:10; 2 Tim. 2:24, 25; Gal. 6:1.

16. What is the most vital element in training of children, and why is it important that parents take time to listen to their children?

¹⁶ The most vital element of all in training a child is that the parents love the child in the sense of being devoted to it, wanting it to turn out well, enjoying all of its good qualities. Dr. Spock says: A child “expresses his devotion to his parents by molding himself in their image; not just in the sense of copying their skills, occupations, manner of speech, but genuinely trying to be civilized and responsible like them. This is how the boy acquires much of his desire to be cooperative with men, brave in danger, courteous to women, faithful to a job, just as his father is. This is how a girl is inspired to be helpful in the home, devoted to babies (live and doll babies), tender to other members of the family, as her mother is.” In the same manner your child will want to imitate you to become a minister of God. Therefore, set before him a good example. Show children love and sympathy. Listen to their problems and experiences. Listening to them gives them the feeling that their thoughts are important to you, that you know what is on their minds, that you care for them and can help them with their problems. If you do not listen to them, someone else will. They may get wrong advice.

17. (a) What does every child need, and how can this be arranged? (b) How can parents instill in their child the missionary spirit, and what is the greatest blessing that they can bestow upon a child?

¹⁷ Train your children as you yourself would want to be trained. Be concerned about them. Parents, where are your children now? What are they doing? When was the last time you had a good heart-to-heart talk with them? Every child needs the chance to have a parent all to himself. Give him this chance by going for a walk with him. This allows him to get acquainted with you. Take him with you in service, on picnics, for rides; play with him. Take your child to baptismal services, to all congregation meetings, to national and international assemblies of Jehovah’s witnesses. Whenever possible, work alongside him. Encourage him to preach and teach as a vacation pioneer. Have him join you to serve where the need for Kingdom witnessing is great. Instill in his young mind the missionary spirit by reading Yearbook experiences, by entertaining missionaries and pioneers in your home. Teach your child to love the brothers, the truth of God’s Word, the New World society, for this is the way of life. What greater blessing can a parent bestow upon his child than a good introduction to the Kingdom ministry, which is the way leading to everlasting life?

18. (a) Children that receive what instruction usually stand fast to their early training? (b) Of what is proper child training a vindication?

¹⁸ When children are trained to be industrious, when they are restrained and corrected with a due mixture of firmness and affection, when they are disciplined to endure hardship, to keep their place and obey, and when all this is enforced by good examples set before them and when constant prayers are made for and with them, children generally do not depart from the way. The good effects of their training can be seen wherever they go and as long as they live. Such well-trained children become a source of deep joy to their parents. Yes, parents, Jehovah’s Word says: “The father of a righteous one will without fail be joyful.” (Prov. 23:24) Therefore, parents, train up your child in the way he should go. If you do, your child will be a joy to you, a blessing to the theocratic organization, and a vindication of the arrangement that Jehovah instituted for the training of children, namely, the home, with the father and mother in the key positions.

Parents, Safeguard Your Child’s Life with Accurate Knowledge

1. What questions should parents and children ask themselves at this time, and why?

PARENTS of the New World society now stand with their children at the portals of God’s new world of promise, but they have yet to enter. Satan and his demons and a terribly corrupt and wicked world would, if possible, prevent them from entering. What can parents do to safeguard themselves and their children from being sucked into this world’s depravity and destruction? What can children do to avoid contamination with this old world, thus protecting themselves from being destroyed with it at Armageddon? What must be done by both parents and children should be of interest to all desiring life.

2. To survive this world’s end, what must parents and children do?

² Jehovah God through his inspired Word informs us what to do to survive this world’s end. “Acquire wisdom, acquire understanding,” is the wise counsel. “Do not forget and do not turn aside from the sayings of my mouth. Do not leave it and it will keep you. Love it and it will safeguard you.” “For wisdom is for a protection the same as money is for a protection; but the advantage of knowledge is that wisdom itself preserves alive its owners.” Therefore, if parents are to survive this time of trouble with their children and enter the promised new world, they must search out the wisdom of Jehovah, be taught of his ways and live according to them. The accurate knowledge of Jehovah’s Word will become a protective shield about them in this hour of temptation and crisis.—Prov. 4:5, 6; Eccl. 7:12.

3. (a) When should children begin to be taught, and how? (b) What responsibility rests on parents regarding children and their aim in life? (c) To prevent children from going astray, what else must children be taught, and in what way is this best done?

³ Early in life children must be taught the wisdom of Jehovah, the principles of Christian living. As soon as the child is old enough to ask questions about life, it is old enough to receive forthright answers. It is not necessary to explain things in detail for a child, just answer the questions briefly, plainly and happily. There is no reason why we should hedge. Jehovah is plain speaking in the Bible and parents can be just as plain when speaking to their children. It is the responsibility of the parents to give a child a goal in life. Christian parents will want to make the new world with its blessings and life that goal for their child. To that end they will inculcate now in their child the principles of new-world living. This should include instruction on the facts of life, the child’s biological make-up, its basic emotions and desires. At no time should parents feel it necessary to weave in fairy-tale stories about “storks carrying babies” when explaining the origin of life. The miracle of birth is nothing to be ashamed of. Satisfy the little curious minds with the “whys” and “wherefores” of life, because if you do not tell them, someone else will, but what children may learn from others may not always be the truth. Children should also be taught the need for self-control, that the driving force in them toward procreation has power to attract, to embarrass, divide and destroy a happy relationship if misused. Children must be taught that there are rights and wrongs and must learn to distinguish between them. (Heb. 5:14) They must grow to appreciate that many wrongs do not make a right, that widespread immorality among men does not justify one’s becoming immoral, that Jehovah’s laws must be regarded above all else if one is to gain life. Because “the inclination of the heart of man is bad from his youth up,” and because “foolishness is tied up with the heart of a boy,” it may be necessary to restrain, discipline and even punish the child to keep him from going astray. (Gen. 8:21; Prov. 22:15) A child learns best by loving parental example. A child properly trained will be able to say as the psalmist did: “From every bad path I have restrained my feet, in order that I may keep your word.” Yes, the Word of Jehovah will be a safeguard in this wayward world.—Ps. 119:101-105.

4. (a) What Bible warning do we have about the dangers of sex? (b) What is the unhealthy moral state of the world, and with what consequence to youth?

⁴ Perhaps the most dangerous of all corruptions to youth is the modern attitude toward sex. It was so with the children of Israel just before they entered the Promised Land. For forty years many of them persevered; then on the plains of Moab, just before receiving the realization of their dream, thousands of them fell victim to immoral practices with the daughters of Moab. Twenty-four thousand of them perished in one day! (Num. 25:1-9) We today stand in a similar position. Before us is the new world of promise, but around us is a “sex crazy” world. As a Harvard professor said: We live under the “continuous pressure of a gigantic army of omnipresent sex stimuli.” Books and films that excite suggestiveness are most popular. Rape, homosexuality, illegitimacy and venereal disease abound. Stories of the debauched lives of celebrated Hollywood notables flood the newspapers, but seldom, if ever, does one read of the lives of decent, moral people who have reared healthy children for the good of the community. This moral breakdown was foretold to take place “in the last days.” (2 Tim. 3:1-7) It is bringing forth its fruitage: “For whatever a man is sowing, this he will also reap.” (Gal. 6:7) Everywhere can be seen an open revolt against morals and conventions, with a devastating effect on youth especially. Polls taken in several colleges revealed that 79 percent of the students approved of sex relations before marriage. Some 36 percent of the boys questioned said that they were determined to go as far as they could when out with girls within three dated engagements. Lovely boys and girls are known to have lost complete control of themselves morally, finally ending up confused, frightened, depressed and on the verge of suicide. Parents of the New World society, know that these conditions also face your children who are forced by circumstance to rub elbows with the children of the world. So watch over your children, because their lives are involved.

5. To safeguard children from old-world debauchery, what training must children receive?

⁵ We want our children to grow up to be decent, God-fearing men and women who understand and appreciate their role in life. But simply desiring this will not make it so. We must be ready to inculcate righteous principles that will mold them into desirable companions. Great emphasis must be placed in youth on Jehovah’s demand for right conduct between the sexes, the desirability of cleanliness and the rewards of maintaining integrity. The conscience of the child must be trained to know that singleness has its place, but that it must never encroach upon the prerogatives belonging solely to married persons; that to treat lightly or abuse one’s trained conscience is to suffer shipwreck concerning one’s faith. It means the loss of life in the new world. (1 Tim. 1:19) Such training must begin early in youth for best results.—2 Tim. 3:15-17.

6. What instruction can parents give their children about the facts of life and about marriage and its responsibilities, and how will this aid children?

⁶ When the child asks mother or father, “Where do babies come from?” or, “Why are boys and girls made different?” it is time to begin instructing the child about its role in life. Explain to the child that girls were made by God to have babies, that is why they are different. Tell them how a child is born, how babies are fed and kept warm inside the mother until they are ready to eat and breathe on their own; and that these are Jehovah’s ways and that they must be respected. The child will then come to love Jehovah and it will want to harmonize its life with his principles. During moments of temptation its trained conscience will prove a force for good and will restrain the child from wrongdoing. In later years the child will look upon sex relations, not as something “terrible” or “dirty,” but proper and clean in its place—marriage. Parents can also do much to prepare children for obligations that go with marriage, such as housekeeping, child care and having a right attitude toward marriage and its responsibilities. Marital adjustment will then be much easier and happier.—Gen. 1:28.

THE DANGERS OF YOUTH

7. What are some of the dangers of courting unchaperoned, and how do studies bear this out?

⁷ In some lands inside and outside of Christendom it is an accepted custom today for a boy and a girl to go out together alone. Wrongly this is looked upon as the first step toward adult man-woman relationship. However, such a period of getting acquainted is fraught with many dangers. The fact that a large number of parents allow their children to go out alone with the opposite sex even before their fourteenth birthday shows that such parents do not realize the psychological and moral implications of early courtship by those of the opposite sex. Children allowed to take this course are exposing themselves to obvious moral and social dangers that arise from early sex stimulation that cannot culminate in a rightful expression for years to come, namely, marriage. In a study of 517 college students it was found that those who started to go out alone with the opposite sex in the primary grade school or secondary junior high school were emotionally maladjusted. The overpowering sex impulse had driven many to the point of no return—into sin. As a result, in the past fifteen years illegitimate births among teen-age girls has more than doubled. The growth of early marriages has skyrocketed and so has the divorce rate among this group. Many high schools report that they have one marriage to every twenty single students. In the case of religious circles a large number of boys and girls have been put on probation, or even been disfellowshiped from the Christian congregation because of serious immoralities, thus procuring for themselves a blot on their record and disqualifying themselves from honorable religious service privileges for many years. The reason for much of this can be traced right back to permitting boys and girls to go out together alone at an early age before or right after reaching the age of puberty.

8. What can parents do to safeguard their children from the dangers of making engagements with the opposite sex alone?

⁸ What can parents do to help their children see the dangers of early courting one of the opposite sex without having a chaperon along? By the time the child is old enough to have the sexual urge to go out alone with a young person his father and his mother should have had a long talk with him about the power of passion, about the danger of petting and about what constitutes proper conduct between boy and girl when alone. The apostle Paul advised youthful Timothy to “flee from the desires incidental to youth.” (2 Tim. 2:22) Fleeing from such dangerous desires means fleeing from persons and places that might stir up these desires. Hence Christian girls should not allow themselves to be taken by boys down lonely roads or into secluded spots where passion might take free rein unobserved. Parents who let themselves be induced to allow their children to have companionship with those of the opposite sex unattended ought to safeguard their children by setting a time when these should be home at night. Hours after dark are when the body tires rapidly, when resistance is low and when the ability to make right decisions in moral directions is greatly reduced. The barriers go down. Passion is easily aroused and a young man doing the courting may not be so easily convinced that it is decent and advisable to go home. Girls, or daughters, should be made to realize that boys are very susceptible to sexual temptation. In turn boys should know that girls are likewise susceptible. Accordingly it would be very indecent on the part of girls and boys to excite one another by improper dress or action or self-display. Parents can show that they are interested in the welfare of their child by telling their son or daughter the facts about life and the part that sex plays in one’s life. Parents should tell the children of the dangers of petting. A good rule for parents is never to let their boy or girl go courting with anyone that they would not want their child to marry, because all too frequently such courting ends up in marriage that is vexatious. For his child’s sake a Christian parent should forbid the child’s making private engagements with one of the young opposite sex not of the immediate family in order to go out together unattended for amusement and pleasure-seeking. A father who is an overseer or ministerial servant of a Christian congregation is in fact under obligation to forbid such improperly or untimely early sex engagements by his children.—1 Tim. 3:4, 12, 13; Titus 1:5-9.

9, 10. (a) Why is heavy petting inadvisable? (b) Why do liquor and courting alone not mix?

⁹ In many parts of the earth heavy petting by unmarried worldly persons is being indulged in commonly. Not affection, but sexual gratification is the motive for heavy petting. Marriage is not the end toward which such petting builds. Couples that allow themselves to neck and pet heavily show a running wild of their sexual emotions. They display a need for self-discipline as well as display their ignorance of accepted social practices and the consequences of these. When 159 women were asked about necking, about 25 percent of them admitted it made them nervous. Some heavy petters cried uncontrollably before going to bed and they did not know why. Doctors consulted advised that they be less intimate with their boy friends. When their intimacy with male petters was reduced their crying stopped too. The absence of necking was found to relate to good adjustment after marriage. Often couples feel safe to neck when they are out with a group. They say there is safety in numbers. But what happens when the petters sneak away to be alone? Or what if the whole group necks and works itself into going farther than mere necking and petting? Hardly anything else than immorality. So remember the apostle Paul’s warning: “Bad associations spoil useful habits.”—1 Cor. 15:33.

¹⁰ One’s behavior when one is out with the opposite sex alone for mere companionship is a joint responsibility. No boy or girl has the right to take full control of the situation and inject sexual awareness. Furthermore, drinking intoxicating liquors and courtship do not mix healthfully at all. Girls especially should know this inasmuch as some men designedly introduce liquor in order to relax a girl and to reduce her resistance and make her resign to sexual advances. Liquor excites passion. Liquor weakens will power. Thus it exposes its victims to disaster. God’s Word warns: “Wine is a ridiculer, intoxicating liquor is boisterous, and everyone going astray by it is not wise.”—Prov. 20:1.

11. Why is introducing a courted companion to one’s parents good sense, and when should courtship be broken?

¹¹ When courtship becomes permissible to Christian children, then their introducing the boy friend or the girl friend to the parents is a wise thing for them to do. It helps the interested youth to judge his companion of the opposite sex through the parents’ viewpoint. Their eyes are not blurred with romance. For instance, when Abraham’s servant found Rebekah at the well, what did Rebekah do? The Genesis account says: “The young woman went running and telling the household of her mother.” So the servant was invited into the house, where he told the household of his master Abraham’s proposal of marriage for his son Isaac. Rebekah’s parents and brother listened attentively and then they asked Rebekah if she would go to marry Isaac. Rebekah’s reply was: “I am willing to go.” Rebekah was chaperoned all the way to Isaac by women. At her meeting with him finally Isaac took Rebekah and she became his wife and he fell in love with her. Thus these two married with parental approval. So when Christian children have been given the needed instruction and training to make them mature regarding matters of sex so that courtship may be safely allowed to them, then it is good sense on the part of parents (and they should make it their business) to meet the person or persons with whom their child is going out. If after going out a number of times the young man or woman finds that mutual interest or religious agreement does not exist, then it is best not to allow such growing friendship to blossom into courtship. It would not be in the best interests of either party to allow such a relationship to continue.—Gen. 24:15-67.

COURTSHIP PROBLEMS

12. What problems arise in courtship, and how can one be reasonably sure of having the right companion?

¹² In lands where courting is allowed it is generally viewed as a means of helping the youth to select the type of person that one would someday like to marry. Usually courtship leads to marriage. Courtship introduces one to many problems, and moral dangers are encountered that may be greatly enhanced by the deeper attraction between the two by the frequency of their meeting together alone. To determine upon enduring compatibility both parties to the courtship should size each other up. If they are thinking about marriage they should see each other in all sorts of conditions and situations. The girl should see her boy companion in his work clothes and in his various moods and reactions. The man should see his girl in her everyday wear in her own home and become acquainted with her likes and dislikes and temperament. If in course of time couples are able to enjoy the quiet presence of each other in nearness, if they like to do things together and for each other, if they long for each other and they are concerned about each other’s health and pray for each other’s success and the overcoming of each other’s problems, if a word by one’s companion brings one inner joy, if his voice thrills one, if what he says builds one up and promotes respect, then there is a good likelihood that one’s love will last and that both will delight in each other through the years after marriage.—1 Cor. 13:4-8.

13, 14. (a) Why should willful consent to sexual arousal be kept remote in courtship? (b) How long should courtship continue, and what are the dangers of extended courtships where there is not the spirit of God?

¹³ Where courtship apart from a chaperon is permitted, both parties should at all times keep the danger of willful consent to sexual arousal remote, or at a distance. There is a surer outlook for happiness if courtship remains unsullied by immorality. Sullied courtships usually have one end, namely, strife and mutual contempt by the couple toward each other. Let those in the courtship keep their relationship clean before Jehovah.—Lev. 19:2.

¹⁴ Where courtship is the custom, how long should it last? If one is serious about it and goes about it in the right way, it should continue until one solemnly says before witnesses, “This is my companion for life.” Then even after that through married life courtship should continue. In a wide poll of many women 85 percent thought that a girl should not marry “unless she had gone with her prospective partner for six months to two years.” However, these worldly women were generally agreed that any two persons could probably become sufficiently acquainted in a year. They observed that the longer the courtship continued the greater becomes the physical attraction between the sexes and the greater the danger of immorality, that is, for worldly men and women. In one study of 576 engaged couples it was noted that, “while not quite 40 percent of those engaged eight months or less had indulged in physical intimacy, close to half (48.4 percent) of those engaged 28 or more months had done so. In fact, the same study indicated the presence of strong physical attraction for almost two-thirds in less than six months’ time.” This information from worldly sources only proves that in the case of men and women who are not dedicated to God and who do not have God’s spirit courtships that are extended unduly long for no legitimate reasons are not only meaningless but hazardous. If a person is miserable and discontented during courtship, it would be better not to enter into an engagement to marry. A person should never build a marriage on the shifting sands of uncertainty. It should be observed that in Bible times the parents usually espoused their children for a year in order to provide a minimum of time to train their children for marriage responsibilities. In many cases this year of espousal was entirely without any courtship between the espoused couple. The desirability of the marriage was determined upon by the parents or guardians of the intended married couple.

ENGAGEMENT AND MARRIAGE

15. What questions should be discussed during the engagement period, and how long should engagements be?

¹⁵ Inside Christendom engagement is a serious promise to marry. During this period couples talk about the important issues that come up after marriage, such as children, finances, religion, in-laws, and so forth. Couples reveal their health condition, whether one has a disease that would endanger the health of the other; and if one is in debt, this also is made known. This finding out takes time. Persons who have had fairly long engagements have been found happier in marriage. But how long should an engagement be? There are no hard and fast rules. Much depends on the couple, how long they have known each other and the courting period. A day is not long enough and ten years may be too long. However long the engagement, it still is not marriage and therefore they have no right to sex relations. When the two decide to marry, a wedding with friends present is commendable, whereas elopement has proved extremely hazardous. Jesus’ presence at the wedding at Cana stamps his approval on such an arrangement.—John 2:1-11.

16. In what way do studies show the need for youth to face reality when considering marriage; and when looking for a marriage companion what should youth look for?

¹⁶ Marriage is for mature, grown-up people. It is not for children. A recent survey of 15,000 teen-agers revealed that 96 percent expected to have more than two bathrooms in their future homes. Another survey