What Has Happened to Friendship?

IN THIS world where, as foretold in the Bible, ‘lawlessness has increased and the love of the greater number of mankind has cooled off,’ old-fashioned friendships are indeed hard to find. (Matt. 24:12) While there still are people who are affable and neighborly, nevertheless, even many of these are prone to draw the line where genuine friendship is concerned.

Still, if you were to ask the average person if he had many friends, no doubt he would be inclined to say “yes,” or he might be hesitant to answer. Why? Because the word “friend” has various meanings.

For example, acquaintances are often considered as being friends. A person may say, “I have many friends in almost every walk of life! There is the shoeshine boy​—what’s his name? And the butcher at the corner store, where we buy our meat; and the banker where I do my business. So you see, I have many friends.” He may not even remember some of their names, but these casual acquaintances are what some people call friends.

In fact, friendly mannerisms are frequently mistaken for evidence of friendship. For example, some people are quick to introduce themselves and often within minutes they insist that you call them by their first name. They may ask, “Where do you live? What is your line of work? Where did you go to school? Are you married? Do you have children?” almost all in one breath. They tend to become personal very quickly. But are these “friendly” mannerisms always evidence of real friendship? How many of these people will come to your rescue when you are in need of assistance, financial aid or comfort?

To many a Westerner the word “friend” has come to be applied to a wide range of relationships. It can mean someone who is a business associate, a childhood playmate or a trusted confidant. The word has been applied to various businesses, such as the “friendly neighborhood food markets,” “friendly travel agents,” “friendly bankers,” the “friendly skies” of an airline. Even rings and chains have become symbols of friendship. So in the United States, Canada or some other Western nations the word “friend” does not necessarily have to involve a close relationship. Friendship may be superficial, casual, situational or deep and enduring. As Americans say, “It all depends on what you have in mind.”

In many European countries, where wars and violence have reaped their toll, friendship, too, has undergone a change. The older generation is quick to admit that friendship is not what it used to be. Among some persons, a friend is viewed as someone who is keenly aware of the other person’s intellect, temperament and particular interests and who draws out the best qualities in him. Among others, friendship is more a matter of feeling. A friend is a special individual who enjoys the things you like. He enjoys hiking, mountain climbing, sailing, usually adventurous undertakings. Such friendship does not necessarily have to do with trust, confidence or loyalty as much as sharing experiences.

The concept of bygone years, when friendship was regarded as a strong bond, linking people together almost as closely as blood ties, when friends were a protection against lawless and immoral persons, has largely disappeared from the world.

The change has come primarily because, true to Bible prophecies, ‘men have become lovers of themselves, having no natural affection.’ (2 Tim. 3:1-3) Without natural affection, there can be no genuine friendship.

There are also at work in the modern world many divisive forces that prevent the development of close ties. True friendships take time to build, but today’s people are on the move. Few stay in one place long enough to build a lasting friendship. One out of every five persons in the United States changes his address each year. In other parts of the world a similar shift of population takes place.

Permanent friendships also demand one’s trust and loyalty, but these qualities are not nurtured in a climate of unrest, crime, distrust and violence such as has swept the world in this generation.

Friendship also implies bearing responsibilities, the willingness to help shoulder the burdens of others. But many today refuse to let themselves become involved with people, to avoid experiencing their burdens and sufferings. A young man on the move said: “My wife and I make new friends each time in a matter of weeks. But we never let it get so deep that it bothers us to leave.” But how far all of this is from those words of Jesus Christ, who said: “No one has love greater than this, that someone should surrender his soul in behalf of his friends.”​—John 15:13.

Meaningful friendships call for sacrifice, and many no longer wish to make sacrifices. Therefore old-fashioned friendships, one of the warm blessings of the past, are becoming hard to find.

Nevertheless, true friendships still do exist, friendships such as those enjoyed by David and Jonathan, Ruth and Naomi, as noted in the Bible. (2 Sam. 1:26; Ruth 1:16, 17) But these friendships are primarily among true Bible Christians who have placed their faith in God and his Word the Bible. Jehovah’s witnesses, for example, find their family of friends actually growing by leaps and bounds. (Mark 10:29, 30) But outside of real Bible Christians, true friendships are rare. This is humanity’s loss.

But why be friendly? How can one be friendly in this wicked world? What kind of friends should one cultivate and how? These and other timely questions are answered in the following article.

Learning About Friendship

WHY BE FRIENDLY, AND WITH WHOM? HOW CAN YOU AVOID DANGEROUS FRIENDSHIPS?

DESPITE the scientific changes that have come over the world in recent years, people still need people. For most persons this need is not satisfied by mere acquaintances, but goes much deeper than that. It reaches out for a friend who can be trusted with one’s most precious thoughts. Its want is for a confidant who is responsible, trustworthy and who will respond when one is in need.

The ideal situation is when most of one’s emotional needs are satisfied within a Christian family relationship. Children who have devoted parents and loving brothers and sisters have good reason to be quite content. Sustained by this warmth and association, a child can grow up happy and well balanced without always having to look elsewhere to satisfy his emotional needs.

However, even when friendship in the home is not lacking, children may feel the urge to embark on new friendships. The stimulation provided by other children near their age can be beneficial. On the other hand, lack of friendship inside and outside the family relationship causes many youngsters to become lonely. This is a common problem among teen-agers.

Parents who are aware of this try to satisfy their children’s growing need for friendship. One way they can do this is by developing a closer and more confidential relationship with them. Teen-agers especially find that life takes on a happier tone when parents give them a chance to express their views, and help them to work out their doubts and uncertainties. In frank discussions the children can be fortified with encouragement and counsel.

There are also times when the friendship of another youth can provide the needed encouragement. Wrote a middle-aged man of his more youthful days: “As a teen-ager I was often moody, for reasons I no longer recall. During one particularly bad week when I was at my lowest ebb, thinking myself ugly, misunderstood and unlikable, the phone rang. A high-school lad . . . was on the line. ‘What’s wrong?’ he asked gently when he heard my voice. ‘You sound as if you didn’t have a friend in the world​—I’m not dead yet!’ A glib, graceful phrase, perhaps​—but in twenty-five years I have not forgotten it, how I sat up straighter, smiled and felt alive again that night.”

How to Become a Friend

Some people seem to have a talent for making friends. Others need to learn the art of friendship, and they do. Still others are neither gifted in friendship nor quick to learn its ways. They need help. Whatever the case may be, to be a friend one has to care about people, what they think, how they feel and why they suffer. One must be sympathetically interested in things people do. One must accept their faults as well as their virtues. One must be willing to make sacrifices and help others to achieve their goals.

The American poet and essayist Ralph W. Emerson once said: “The only way to have a friend is to be one.” Help someone, if you want a friend. That should be easy, because there are so many people today who need help. Where there is work to be done, volunteer to do it. Working brings people together.

Invite people to your home for a meal or simply to share conversation with you over a cup of tea or coffee. Simply say, “How about coming to our place Saturday night?” Even if it is not convenient for them to come this time, at least they will know that you would like to know them better.

Perhaps the very beginning of a friendship is the willingness to say “hello” first. You must show that you like people. If you greet them with a smile and with a cheerful salutation, it may surprise you what response you will get.

What Is Needed to Keep Up Friendship

Friendship can be likened to a plant that has to be cultivated. It must be watered and tended if it is to produce sweet and wholesome fruit.

Maintaining a friendship is not automatic. It takes planning. On our weekly list of things to be done, we might well assign deeds of friendship. We could write down the names of those we would like to visit or telephone or drop a note to, or send a gift. How easy it is to neglect friends just because they are friends. Many who know the art of friendship plan to have dinner once a week or once a month with certain friends.

An aid to preserving friendships is doing things together. One friend taught another how to cook. After that, the delights of cooking enriched their conversations and their lives. Others have encouraged their friends to go places with them and to do things together, such as visiting museums, taking walks through parks or having picnics together.

Distance may prevent friends from getting together, but a warm letter can bridge the gap. A telephone call will remind them that you care. It may be possible to spend a vacation with an old friend and renew the friendship. Often reunions are most heartwarming.

Solving Problems

The problem of jealousy sometimes arises among friends. Some people may want you all to themselves. But friendship also means the sharing of a friend with other persons. This demands humility. It calls for the ability to check resentment rather than let it persist and poison the spirit. Good friends are neither tyrants nor doormats; they strike a happy balance.

Friendship also implies discipline. There is the danger of becoming what the apostle Peter calls “a busybody in other people’s matters,” and that can soon spoil a friendship. So it is profitable to examine one’s conversation.​—1 Pet. 4:15.

Also, these are busy times, and we cannot expect others to be constantly visiting or entertaining. The inspired Proverb (Pr 25:17) says: “Make your foot rare at the house of your fellow man, that he may not have his sufficiency of you and certainly hate you.”

And when you are invited out for an evening, it is wise not to keep your host up too late. There usually is much to be done after guests leave, and if it is late, it may work a hardship on the host. Some persons leave so late that they are not invited as often as they might be. And a number of people, who cannot keep late hours, for age or health reasons or for having to get up at an early hour, are not as hospitable as they would like to be because guests often just do not know when to go home.

What Kind of Friends to Cultivate

Perhaps the most vital factor to an enduring friendship is the choice we make in the first place. Many people make the mistake of picking friends for their usefulness. They choose friends for what they have or can contribute and not really for what they are. Generally such friendships do not flourish.

Other people are purely social climbers and status seekers. Their friendship is tainted with a selfish purpose. “You have to be careful to associate with those who count or else you won’t get anywhere,” they say. This is far from Christian practice. (Jas. 2:1) Friendships based on selfishness are hollow, empty, unrewarding.​—Luke 14:12-14.

When choosing friends, be selective in a godly way. Even God himself is selective in his choice of friends. God called Abraham his friend, because of Abraham’s faithfulness. (Jas. 2:23) And the fifteenth Psalm shows that God lays down high standards for those ‘who would be guests in his tent’​—not everyone is welcome. Jesus Christ also set standards for those who would be his friends. To his followers, he said: “You are my friends if you do what I am commanding you.”​—John 15:14.

How about you? Are you selective in the matter of friends? Do you have reliable guidelines? Since we will be influenced to some extent by the friends we keep, it would be good to be selective.

Quality-wise, we certainly would be making no mistake if we chose those whom God and Christ call friends. We could expect them to excel in love, long-suffering, kindness, goodness and self-control. (Gal. 5:22, 23) Those possessing these fine, godly qualities make excellent friends indeed! And nothing draws friends closer together than their mutual love of God. As Ruth, who is spoken of in the Bible, said to Naomi: “Your people will be my people, and your God my God.”​—Ruth 1:16, 17.

A dedicated Christian must view this subject of friendship with a number of safeguarding Biblical principles in mind. For example, there is the one that says: “Bad associations spoil useful habits.” And another that says: “Whoever, therefore, wants to be a friend of the world is constituting himself an enemy of God.” (1 Cor. 15:33; Jas. 4:4) Thus we see that proper choice of friendships will not only influence our daily habits but also have a direct effect on our relationship with God.

With a view to safeguarding one’s relationship with God, it is wise to heed the counsel of his Word by ‘turning away’ from association with certain types of people. Who are they? The apostle Paul mentions “lovers of money”​—those whose thoughts are always on material possessions. He also lists those who are “disobedient to parents,” those who are ‘proud’ and ‘lack self-control,’ and persons who are “lovers of pleasures rather than lovers of God.” (2 Tim. 3:2-5) No friendships are to be established with such persons at all. This Biblical advice, if followed, can be a real protection.

Since a true friend is a trusted confidant, we should also be sure that our friend is not the sort who would gossip about us, to our harm. Concerning such friends the Bible says: “The one covering over transgression is seeking love, and he that keeps talking about a matter is separating those familiar with one another. A true companion is loving all the time.” “There exist companions disposed to break one another to pieces, but there exists a friend sticking closer than a brother.”​—Prov. 17:9, 17; 18:24.

It is important, too, that friends share the same interests and goals. If you choose for a friend someone whose interests lead you in another direction you may forfeit your goal in life. This is especially true of one who wants to prove faithful as a servant of God.

Thus from God’s Word the Bible we learn what true friendship is, that it leads to Christian love, that it promotes open communication, that it brings comfort in times of difficulty and affords opportunities to do things for others. Friendship enriches one’s life and spices it with greater happiness. So be friendly​—be a friend.

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Inviting others to share food with you is a good way to build up friendships