What Is Happening to Marriage?

FROM all over the world, reports say much the same thing: The marriage arrangement is in trouble.

True, news sources like to print what is more sensational. That is one reason why marriage problems are more often highlighted in the media, while many good marriages go relatively unnoticed.

Still, this fact cannot be denied: Profound changes are battering the marriage arrangement with blows of hurricane force.

How Serious?

How serious is the problem? Following are some observations typical of nearly every country on earth.

The Netherlands: “Marriage is threatened by a development scarcely less far-reaching than world revolution.”​—Publishers of the book The End of Monogamous Marriage?

England: “Some see the change as the greatest social upheaval this century.”​—London Sunday Telegraph.

Mexico: “Marriage is beginning a period of decadence ever more intense, after which it will not be able to recover.”​—Dr. Juana Armanda Alegria, sociologist.

The United States: “A solid, long-lasting marriage has become so exquisitely rare that it’s become interesting again.”​—McCall’s magazine.

Some take such a negative view of marriage that one American observer said, not altogether in jest: “Perhaps the wedding license should read: WARNING: THE SURGEON GENERAL HAS DETERMINED THAT MARRIAGE IS DANGEROUS TO YOUR HEALTH.”

Huge Increase in Divorce

Within the past decade there has been a huge increase in divorce. In Australia divorces quadrupled in a decade. “Couples are breaking up like icebergs in a summer sea. . . . Something very profound seems to be shaking our traditional concepts of marriage,” says Australia’s Women’s Weekly.

In Canada the divorce rate multiplied five times in 10 years, notes Maclean’s magazine. Sweden’s divorce rate doubled in the same time. Japan has had an increase for 14 consecutive years. In Rhodesia one marriage in three now ends in divorce.

In Britain, London’s Sunday Telegraph said:

“No society that cherishes the family can afford to be anything less than appalled by the latest statistics on divorce. . . . Britain now has one of the highest rates of divorce in the world: almost one to every two weddings.

“At this rate there will soon be as many broken homes as unbroken; as many children from broken homes as children from unbroken ones; and as many deserted wives as undeserted.”

No form of political belief is immune from this trend. Divorce takes place at about the same rate in the Soviet Union as in the United States. The magazine Soviet Life admits: “On the average every third marriage is dissolved officially. Compared to past decades, the number has grown.”

In the United States the rate is the same: one in three marriages ends in divorce. And now this includes a steadily increasing number of older couples who had been married 20 years or more. True, many who divorce remarry. But nearly half divorce again!

Nor are this world’s religions immune to the trend. Even among Jewish marriages, where family tradition once was very strong, a breakdown is taking place. At a council of 1,000 Orthodox rabbis meeting to discuss the subject “American Jewish Family Life​—Crisis and Breakdown,” it was acknowledged that four out of 10 Jewish marriages dissolve.

Another Trend

There is another trend that has serious implications for the marriage arrangement. More and more people are choosing to live together without getting legally married. They do not want to commit themselves, but want to be free to break off the relationship whenever they desire.

Of course, the idea of people living together without legal marriage is not new. In various lands it has long been the practice among some. What is new is the enormous increase in the number of people living this way, and how widely accepted the practice is becoming. In particular, the trend is growing rapidly among young adults. But it is not confined to them. More older persons are doing the same thing.

In one South American nation an estimated 40 to 50 percent of couples now live together without marriage. In the United States the number of unrelated men and women sharing households in 1977 rose to about 1,500,000, compared to about 650,000 in 1970.

In one African country, an apartment-house manager said: “I really do not understand what has happened among the younger people. In this block of flats there is so much exchanging of partners without benefit of marriage that I never know for certain who will come this month to pay the rent.”

Why Many Shun Marriage

One reason why some are choosing not to marry is the poor example of their own parents’ marriage. It often has proved to be emotionally damaging to children to have lived in homes where mothers and fathers were ‘at each other’s throat.’

Nor is that merely a figure of speech. In one survey, a quarter of the wives seeking divorce gave physical abuse by the husband as the reason. Sociologist Richard Gelles of the University of Rhode Island found that more than half the married couples he interviewed had used violence against each other. Authorities say that wife beating is the “most unreported crime.” And now there is also a significant number of husbands who are injured by their wives!

An additional bad result from marriage troubles is the damage that may come to unborn children. Dr. Dennis Stott, a psychologist in Canada, says that the stress of an unhappy marriage can cause pregnant women to give birth to twice as many physically and emotionally handicapped children as do mothers who are relatively free from marital stress.

Thus, the Awake! correspondent in Spain comments:

“Many young people are terrified today of the possibility of making a mistake that will last a lifetime. Quite a few are still traumatized because of the unhappy marriages of their own parents, the results of which they suffered for long and painful years. They are not willing to have their possible children become the same kind of unfortunate wretches they were.”

So we cannot avoid the harsh reality of what is happening to marriage world wide. It is not a pretty picture. It is causing much heartache and damage, both to the marriage mates and to their children who will be tomorrow’s potential mothers and fathers.

Why is all of this happening now? How can those who want marital happiness get it? Or, is it possible that the marriage arrangement itself is at fault?

Is the Marriage Arrangement at Fault?

SINCE marriage troubles have descended like an avalanche in recent times, some wonder: Is the marriage arrangement itself at fault? Should it be abandoned as unsuitable for our day?

Well, if a machine operator ignores the designer’s instructions and abuses the machine until it breaks down, is the designer at fault? If on a long trip an automobile driver ignores his road map and gets lost, is the map maker to blame?

No, the misuse of something does not mean that it is no good. Who is usually at fault? The one who misuses it.

Is this the case with the marriage arrangement? What do the facts show? Has abandoning marriage for other styles of living proved to be better for people? What has happened to the children from broken homes, and to society in general?

What the Record Shows

History shows that when marriage and family broke down, so did the entire moral climate of the society. The end result was not improvement, but more trouble. Whole empires have crumbled when people did not work to preserve marriage and the family.

In our own time the bad effects are especially damaging to the more innocent, the children who have been the victims of marriage breakdowns. In the West African country of Ghana, a report says of many children from broken homes:

“The children of such homes are the worse off. They never get wholesome parental care; they are neglected, unloved, uncared for and nobody is really concerned with what they do. They become truants right from infancy and retrogress . . . to hardened adult criminals, always fighting against the law.”

The absence of a caring father works a hardship on the whole family, particularly on young boys who need his firm guidance and support. For example, in one American family the father’s work took him away from home for weeks at a time. As a result, his three-year-old son became hyperactive, usually getting up 10 or 11 times a night to call for his father. His mother observed that when the father was at home the boy slept peacefully until morning and was much better behaved. She stated: “This little boy needs his dad. He goes to nursery school a couple of days a week and the teachers can tell when [his father] is home. It’s that obvious from his behavior.”

While it is generally acknowledged that children are worse off when parents do not get along, or obtain a divorce, or are away too often, what about adults? Are they better off getting swept away by the modern trend toward divorce, separation, ‘open marriage,’ living together without marriage, or communal-type ‘marriages’?

Better Off?

There is great pressure now in many lands just to give up on a marriage when problems appear. Family Circle magazine reports: “A profusion of books and articles is making the argument that lasting commitments aren’t viable, that the risks involved in splitting up are manageable and that people’s personal selves are likely to thrive on dissolution.”

Is that the case? Is the way to a ‘thriving’ personality a marriage breakup? For a certain percentage of people who may be conditioned in that way, this could appear to be so. But not for the vast majority.

More typical is the experience of a woman who separated from her husband and began making the rounds of singles bars to ‘have fun’ and to meet new people. In time these temporary acquaintances proved shallow and unsatisfactory. Most of the men were interested only in sexual encounters.

This woman said of many of the divorced or separated people that she met: “I’ll never forget how lost those souls seemed. How lost I felt. These are real unmarried people. Marriages don’t seem to work any more, but there’s a new lost generation that grows bigger every day. Because the truth is that unmarriage doesn’t work either.”

“Unmarriage doesn’t work either.” That is a conclusion becoming more evident after analyzing the results of several decades of skyrocketing divorce and separation. The realization has set in with an increasing number of people that life is not satisfactory for most persons without someone who cares, someone to care for, someone to count on, someone with whom to share sympathy, kindness and problems.

Many find that after the novelty wears off, the newfound freedom to indulge one’s whims without accountability to a partner has not brought the benefits anticipated. It is not proving to be the way to a ‘thriving’ personality.

‘Group Marriages’

Since marriage between two people has so often failed, and loneliness is undesirable, some have recommended the alternative of ‘group marriages,’ or communal living, where each individual is allowed to have several partners. Do these work better than traditional marriages?

One Tennessee commune of over 1,000 inhabitants experimented with “multi-marriages.” Later, a member of the commune said: “It didn’t work. The ordinary problems everybody has only multiplied.” He observed that the married couples soon “ran for privacy,” and that single persons often asked the married ones: “Can we be like cousins living with you so we can have a family, too?”

It may seem attractive at first to try to escape the problems of marriage by alternative life-styles such as group marriages. But an individual cannot escape from human nature. Sooner or later, this has to be confronted and coped with. And the farther a person gets away from the way humans were designed to interact best with others, the more difficult life becomes. This is particularly so with regard to intimate love between a man and a woman, and parental affection for children.

Bernard O’Brien of a Kansas City family and children’s agency states: “Jealousy is just as alive in any kind of experimentation as it was in grandma’s time. When you come right down to it, there is hardly anyone who can stand to share a loved person.” Why is this the case? Simply because we were created to feel that way.

In another commune, when children were born to a couple the communal-type arrangement “fell apart” in their minds. They could not share the intimate love of father, mother and child with others. The father observed: “Becoming a father simply blew away all communal notions.” They heeded the very strong desire to have their own ‘nuclear family,’ with father and mother at the center, surrounded by their children.

‘Open Marriage’

An ‘open marriage’ is where married persons agree to permit each other to have outside sexual encounters​—adultery is the word for it. About six years ago the book Open Marriage, by Nena and George O’Neill, became a best seller. They recommended outside sexual relationships in marriage, saying that these could be ‘rewarding and meaningful’ for some couples, enhancing their marriage. Did it work out that way?

After years of keeping track of actual experiences, the authors now admit that it did not work out that way at all. Just the opposite took place. They found that those who practiced this adultery became very unhappy with each other. The longest any of them stayed together after beginning an ‘open marriage’ was only two years. They concluded: ‘Open sex was such a flop.’ As a result, the authors have published another book issuing a “new call for sexual fidelity” as bringing the greatest happiness to marriage.

Regarding ‘open marriage,’ Canadian marriage counselor Ed Bader remarked: “Every couple we know of who went the open-marriage route busted up​—without exception.” And psychologist Larry Cash of that country also observed: “Open marriage, the idea that married people can be perfectly free sexually and emotionally, is a farce. In my 10 years of counseling, I’ve never seen one that could work. It might be a noble idea, but human nature isn’t ready to handle it.”

But is it really a “noble idea”? Not at all. It is totally contrary to the way we humans are constructed emotionally and mentally. We want faithfulness from a loved one, not adultery. The intimate relationships provided by marriage cannot be shared with outsiders without damaging or destroying the marriage. Indeed, what the recommenders of such “alternate” marriage styles are finding out is what the Creator of marriage long ago had written for our information: “Let marriage be honorable among all, and the marriage bed be without defilement.”​—Heb. 13:4.

Importance of Commitment

There is something else that many who have experimented with variant life-styles have found out. It is that, without a commitment such as marriage brings, it is human nature not to try so hard to solve problems. Nor is there the security, especially for women.

Many women are discovering that, living largely in a man’s world, life is far more difficult without the security that comes from marriage ties. They find that it is emotionally very disturbing for them to have a relationship where the man says, in effect, ‘I just want you for a while, and when I tire of you I’ll change you for a younger model.’

Good Housekeeping magazine asked its readers: “Do you think that living together without marriage helps form a more permanent relationship, [or] detracts from a more permanent relationship?” A certain number answered in favor of life together without wedlock, but more than 10 times as many readers said that not being married detracted from a permanent relationship.

Not unusual is the experience of one couple, as reported by the Toronto Star. Living together without marriage, they found that they still “had fights about everything,” and that living together brought the same problems as marriage. Without the marriage commitment, however, they always felt that they could leave. But did this help them to get along? No, it hindered them from trying harder to solve problems. Then they got married. Afterward, they observed: “Since we’ve married we’ve been trying harder not to have fights. We’re both making an effort. We’re committed so there’s no sense fighting about it. Before, we used to always threaten to break up, but we don’t seem to do that now.” They found that the commitment made them work harder at marriage.

Similarly, McCall’s magazine carried an article entitled “Why Liberated Women Are Getting Married.” It noted: “We have worked hard for self-fulfillment, and it’s been well worth our while. But recently many of us have made a surprising discovery: Something vital is still missing.”

What was missing? A couple who got married after living together explained: “The truth is, it wasn’t enough to just live together. We want structure in our lives. We decided we liked the idea of commitment.” McCall’s added:

“Ah, Commitment! It is a word so old it sounds new, and more and more people are looking for a chance to apply it.

“We seem to have come full circle. We have been on a romantic quest for the last 15 or so years, pursuing happiness, testing all the options. We have tried, or at least talked about, open marriage, no marriage, having children without marriage, trial marriage.

“Finally, after all the shambles of social change, we seem to be deciding that commitment is impossible without self-fulfillment, but self-fulfillment is incomplete if it is achieved without attachment. . . .

“So in ten or 15 years of testing romantic possibilities we have found that we missed the core of permanence. We have found that open relationships are possible only if you don’t care about the other person.”

The satisfying of emotional needs through marriage even plays a part in living longer. Insurance companies have long recognized that unmarried persons run a greater risk of dying prematurely than do married persons. For instance, death rates in the 15- to 64-year age group of divorced males were from two to six times as high for every major cause as those of married males. Psychologist James Lynch of the University of Maryland School of Medicine concludes: “Loneliness can damage, if not break, the human heart.”

It is not surprising that such findings have surfaced in recent years. They were to be expected, really, since the marriage arrangement is not something that just “evolved” for the convenience of people. Marriage was originated by the Creator of man and woman. And since God made humans, he knows in what relationships they will be most successful. When they do their part within the framework he has established, the best results will be produced.​—Gen. 1:26-28; 2:18-25.

For expressing human love between a male and female, for security and permanence, and for raising children, there is no substitute for marriage.

NO, IT IS NOT MARRIAGE THAT IS AT FAULT. PEOPLE WHO USE IT WRONGLY ARE BASICALLY AT FAULT.

Therefore people who want to be content should not be stampeded by erroneous philosophies into trying to find ways of degrading or eliminating marriage, as though it were to blame. The search needs to be for finding ways to work for its improvement and preservation, ways of helping to solve marriage problems.

But if marriage was designed for man and woman, why has there been such a breakdown in our time? What is wrong?

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How does your absence affect your child?

Why Marriage Ties Are Breaking Down

MARRIAGE counselors of this world give many reasons for the breakdown of marriage ties in our time. Yet, few of such counselors take into consideration the most fundamental cause.

Without considering this root cause, their advice, while it may be helpful, often is not enough. In fact, the advice may even be contradictory, since opinions vary so much.

The situation can be likened to that of a person who takes aspirin for a toothache. It may help to relieve the pain, but it does not get at the root of the problem. When the basic cause is determined and properly treated, the pain can be eliminated.

So, too, there is the need to get at the root cause of marriage problems. Then the problems can be solved without having to eliminate the arrangement itself. One need not, as it were, ‘throw out the baby with the bath water.’

But before analyzing the root cause, what, briefly, are some of the more apparent reasons for marriage failures today?

Marrying Too Young

A fruit picked too soon, before it ripens, can be bitter to the taste. Similarly, those who marry too young often reap a bitter harvest. The highest rate of marriage failure is found in very young couples, especially teen-agers. The younger the couple, the higher the risk.

Australia’s Women’s Weekly bluntly put it this way: “Marrying at 18 is stupid. You are so young. You haven’t lived enough. You don’t know who you are and you make immature decisions. Little things that are important then are not important later on.” Yes, it takes time to get to know oneself, and also to get to know one’s prospective mate.

Much of youthful “love” is not real love at all, but infatuation, physical attraction. But that is not enough in marriage. This can also be seen where passion is given free rein before marriage and the girl gets pregnant. The couple marry, only to divorce soon.

In France, “85% of couples who divorce before two years of marriage were expecting their first child before marrying,” says the book Le Divorce a la Carte. Neither the sexual attraction nor the baby was enough to hold the marriage together.

Unrealistic Expectations

Many people have unrealistic ideas about love, sex and marriage. These may come from television, movies, books, magazines, friends, or the person’s own fantasies. When these ideas are not realized in marriage, the individual blames the mate or the marriage arrangement, rather than the false expectations.

In some, the desire to marry overpowers the need to find a truly suitable mate. They feel that although the person they marry may not be so suitable, ‘somehow it will work out.’ They feel that any marriage is better than none. Or they think that they will change the other person after they marry.

But the staggering divorce statistics show that these expectations are so often unrealistic. Many times it does not ‘somehow work out.’ The anticipated changes do not take place. The couple find that ‘just any marriage’ is not better than none. Their later desire to divorce shows that they regard the bad marriage as being worse than no marriage.

Background

How a person is raised often influences the course his or her marriage will take. A bad home atmosphere can threaten future marriage. Many who even had despised the bad actions of parents often find that they imitate the bad behavior later. In this regard, one wife said:

“My mother used to criticize my dad and throw things when she got angry at him. Although I hate myself for it, I tend to nag my husband and throw stuff when I get upset. It’s as though Mom ‘taught’ me to live with a husband this way. I wish they had taught me how to solve problems with a husband, not make them.”

Another aspect of a couple’s background has to do with their interests being too different. At first, such differences may seem intriguing. But, later in marriage, when the newness of these differences wears off, they can become points of friction. The more differences there are in likes and dislikes, such as tastes in food and clothing, or attitudes on work, money, politics, religion and other things, the greater the likelihood of arguing over them after marriage.

Opposites may attract at first, but they can repel later. It has been found that the more things people have in common to begin with, the fewer their areas of conflict later in marriage.

Employment and Money Pressures

When a husband becomes too involved with his work and the people at his work, he neglects his wife. The wife begins to resent this, and may feel restricted by having to care for the home and children.

On the other hand, some wives who work to make life ‘more interesting,’ and not because of economic necessity, can create resentment in their husbands. A man may feel that his wife is neglecting his interests, the home, and the children’s upbringing.

In these days of high prices, many wives go to work to help to support the household. Problems have developed in such circumstances when the husband has expected his wife to do all the housework anyway. She feels that this is unfair, which it is, and their relationship becomes strained.

At times trouble comes when the husband is unable to find suitable employment to provide a good living for the family. In this situation, he may develop a lack of self-respect and may even begin drinking heavily. This makes the bad situation worse, with the wife growing more frustrated.

Money problems, a chief cause of marriage difficulties, frequently come because people will not curb their appetites for unnecessary material things. Their wants far exceed their needs, and they buy more than they can afford.

This is often true of many young couples who want the goods they see advertised or that they see older persons enjoy. They forget that these older folks had to work many years to get them. So the young couple goes heavily into debt, spending more money than they make. Both may have to work to support their life-style, and often even this is not enough income. Too, at this very time the wife may have a baby and may be unable to work. So there is not enough money for the bills. Bitterness and faultfinding follow.

Lack of Communication

This common reason centers on the unwillingness of marriage mates to talk things over between themselves in a calm, open manner. It has a deadening effect on many aspects of marriage.

Usually it is the wife who feels that the husband is not interested in what she thinks, says or does. She may complain that the husband is not listening to her when she expresses herself. So, she feels isolated, unloved, without a companion (which a husband should be). Thus the couple drift apart.

However, in many instances the lack of communication is not the cause of the problems. It is the result. Something else has gone wrong, and one manifestation of it is that the couple has less and less good conversation.

Alcoholism

Alcoholism is one of the foremost home wreckers. Tens of millions of persons throughout the world are alcoholics. Tens of millions of others are close to alcoholism.

The drinking may be due to a desire to ‘have fun,’ or to ‘feel good.’ But it may also be the result of other troubles that the person has difficulty coping with and tries to ease or escape by drinking. But the heavy drinking is certain to make worse whatever problems there were in the beginning.

The mate who does not drink too much is usually repulsed by the one who does. A large percent of divorces list alcoholism on the part of one mate as the chief cause.

Sadly, children of alcoholic parents later have a higher degree of drinking problems themselves. This early home “training” or “conditioning” carries over into marriage, where they experience many of the problems their parents had because of drinking too much.

Sexual Problems

Sexual incompatibility is another major reason given for marriage breakdowns. The husband may express dissatisfaction because his wife is not as interested in sexual relations as he is. The wife complains that the husband is selfish and does not consider her emotional needs.

Today’s permissive attitude toward sex has not helped. Many men, particularly, feel that they should be entitled to the gratification of all the sexual desires they have, and when the wife does not satisfy these, they seek outside partners. The wife, in turn, may seek an adulterous relationship with someone whom she considers more understanding. But, in time, these outside infidelities poison the marriage.

In many lands, it is considered an expression of a man’s prowess to have affairs on the side, even to have illegitimate children. Men may spend much of the family’s money on these affairs, making less available for the wife and the legitimate children. Wives usually express deep anger at this.

Easier Divorce

In recent years, changes in the law have made divorce much easier. In some places it is now ‘divorce on demand,’ with no reason necessary other than the desire to obtain a divorce.

With such easy divorce laws more and more the rule, many people adopt the idea that ‘they can always get a divorce if the marriage doesn’t work out.’ But that very attitude can be damaging. It can cause a person to be more careless about the way he chooses a mate. And when difficulties do arise in marriage, there may well be less of an inclination to work hard at solving them.

These, then, are some of the more common reasons for the flood of marriage failures in recent years, and, of course, there are others. To help people to cope with these, marriage counselors of this world give much advice​—some good, some inadequate, some contradictory, and some just plain bad.

Why this confusion? Because few of such counselors come to grips with the root cause. Until that is done, and the proper remedies are applied, the threat of marriage failure exists.

We have seen some of the more apparent reasons for marriage failure. But there is a deeper cause. What, then, is at the root of marriage problems? And what does it take to find happiness in the arrangement?

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Is your marriage marred by . . .

. . . Money Problems?

. . . Silence?

. . . Alcoholism?

The Root Cause of Marriage Failures

WHAT is the root cause of the flood of marriage failures in our time? Why is marriage itself in such trouble now?

We might illustrate the answer this way: When something goes wrong with a complex computer, who is called in for repairs? Not another computer. Instead, a superior mind is called in, an expert computer technician, preferably the designer or manufacturer, someone who really knows.

Who, then, should we call in for “repairs” when human relations in marriage break down? Other humans whose knowledge is also limited? No. As with a computer breakdown, it would make far more sense to consult a superior mind, someone who really knows, preferably the designer or manufacturer.

Who would that be? The Creator of humans and the Originator of marriage, Jehovah God. Since he designed mankind and marriage, he knows far better than anyone else why breakdowns occur and what it takes for human relationships to work right.

Root Cause

This, then, brings us to the most basic cause, the root cause, of marriage failures. It is this: One mate, or both of them, ignores the laws and principles for marital happiness laid down by Jehovah God, the One who made humans and marriage.

When couples cooperate within the framework of those wise, practical laws and principles, marriage success will follow. But when they are ignored, trouble is not far behind.

That formula for marital happiness is not left to our imagination. It is recorded in the guide that the Creator has authored for our benefit​—his Word, the Bible.

Objections

However, many object, saying: ‘But the Bible and belief in God have long been in existence in “Christian” lands, and this has not stopped marriage failures.’

That is so. Yet, merely living in a country that claims to be Christian does not make the country Christian; nor does it make the person living there Christian. Merely possessing a Bible does not mean that a person lives by its standards. The fact is that most possessors of a Bible do not apply its laws and principles.

Some voice another objection: ‘But isn’t it true that there are happy marriages in which neither partner uses the Bible as a guide, and neither may even believe in God?’

That, too, is the case. How, then, does their happiness come about? It results from the fact that, although they do so unintentionally, the marriage partners follow a standard similar to that set out in the Bible. Whether they know it or not, they have, according to God-given conscience, adopted a way of life that is closer to harmonizing with God’s laws and principles for marriage.​—Rom. 2:14, 15.

But counting on accidentally adopting the right formulas for marriage is like hoping that you can sail on a ship without a rudder or navigator and accidentally drift to the right destination. It could happen, but it would not be wise to count on it. A ship with a rudder and an experienced navigator is far more likely to follow an accurate course and reach its destination.

Similarly, which would you prefer: Driving through a vast wilderness over dangerous and unfamiliar roads without a road map? Or using a road map prepared by the engineer who built the road, a map that had already proved reliable for many others who made the trip?

God is the great Navigator of marriage, and has provided the rudder of direction in his Word. He is the great Engineer of matrimony, having made the road leading to success. And he has issued the reliable road map.

Fatal Flaw

Many people believe that marriage is of human origin, that it sort of evolved over the ages to fill a human need. Others, while they may say that they believe in a Creator, make little or no effort to find out his will.

Hence, the fatal flaw of all these vast numbers of people is letting human wisdom alone guide their marriage. They ignore the superior wisdom that comes from the One who knows best, the Originator of marriage.

The person who leans on human wisdom alone as his guide is likened in the Bible to “a bush in the desert,” in that “nothing good ever happens to him.” But the person who turns to his Maker for guidance “is like a tree growing near a stream and sending out roots to the water. It is not afraid when hot weather comes, because its leaves stay green; it has no worries when there is no rain; it keeps on bearing fruit.”​—Jer. 17:6, 8, Today’s English Version; Ps. 1:1-3.

However, many do not want God in their lives. They want to ‘go it alone.’ In effect, they say, as did those described at Job 21:14-16: “The wicked tell God to leave them alone; they don’t want to know his will for their lives. They think there is no need to serve God nor any advantage in praying to him. They claim they succeed by their own strength.”​—Today’s English Version.

But do they? Not when we see human society cluttered with the wreckage of marriage failures. And this wreckage comes about by ignoring the wisdom that comes from God. That is why the Bible says: “There exists a way that is upright before a man, but the ways of death are the end of it afterward.”​—Prov. 14:12.

Instead, God’s counsel is: “Trust in Jehovah with all your heart and do not lean upon your own understanding. In all your ways take notice of him, and he himself will make your paths straight.” Yes, “the fear of Jehovah is the start of wisdom.”​—Prov. 3:5, 6; 9:10.

Facing Reality

The truth on this matter of marriage success is as an official of a West African government admitted: “Only respect for Bible principles will make marriages successful.”

That is the way we humans were created. If we ignore those principles that originate with God, the consequences will be bad. It is similar to ignoring other principles, or laws, that control humans. For instance, if we ignore the law of gravity and jump off a high place, injury or death will result. If we ignore the physical laws of the body that require the intake of food, water and air, we also pay a price. Similarly, if we ignore the principles of marriage that come from God​—principles that fit the way we were created mentally, emotionally and physically—​we will pay the price of failure.

We reap what we sow. (Gal. 6:7) If we want to reap wheat, we cannot sow weeds. If we want a truly happy marriage, we cannot go contrary to the laws and principles that God has issued for success. And the closer we get to the blueprint provided by the Maker of marriage, the happier we will be.

Indeed, when God’s standards are faithfully adhered to, marriage will never end in total failure. The proof can be found in the lives of multitudes of couples who do adhere to them, and who are finding as much happiness in marriage as can be reasonably expected today.

But just how do those laws and principles in the Bible work? What does it really take to have a happy marriage?

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To avoid marriage problems where do you turn for counsel?

What It Takes to Be Happy in Marriage

APPLYING God’s standards will make any marriage work better. They will provide married couples with the basic tools with which to solve problems where other persons fail.

No, doing things God’s way will not result in perfect marriages. That is not a realistic expectation at this time. But the closer we come to God’s laws and principles for the marriage arrangement, the happier we will be.

Of the various things that need to be considered, one has to do with the way man and woman were created. Understanding this properly will help to eliminate some difficulties at the very beginning of a marriage.

How Created

It is obvious that God created man and woman with some similar physical features, and with some different ones. They were also created with some similar mental and emotional qualities, but also with some that are quite different.

Why the differences? They were designed to help each to fulfill a different role. Each was made with a need that the other had the ability to fulfill. So while the two persons do not bring the same strengths and abilities to marriage, the differences would balance each other.

Do these differences mean that one is “superior” or “inferior” to the other? No. Each difference was superior for its own purpose. To illustrate: Is a hammer superior to a saw because it is different? If a person tried to hammer with a saw, or to saw with a hammer, he would soon find out that each was superior in its own way, but that mixing the roles would bring difficulties.

Although different, a hammer and a saw support, or complement, each other. So do the differences created in man and woman. Each has superior qualities that the other does not have, due to their different roles. But they complement, or support each other’s qualities. That is why God said that the woman would be “a helper” for the man, made “as a complement of him.”​—Gen. 2:18.

So when a husband and a wife understand and appreciate each other and cooperate within their assigned differences, they fit each other like a hand in a glove. But if they ignore the differences, or fight against them, it is like trying to put a doubled-up fist into a glove. It just will not fit.

Accepting Roles

A marriage or a family needs leadership. Fundamentally, the man was the one created with this potential, for he was given a greater measure of the qualities and strengths required to be a family head. (Eph. 5:23) This is practical, for when there is no leadership, there is discord and confusion.

Having a marriage, and a family, without such headship would be like trying to drive an automobile without a steering wheel. Or, if the wife were to try to take over such headship, it would be like having two drivers in the car, each with a steering wheel controlling a separate front wheel. It does not take much imagination to see what confusion that would bring.

In modern times especially, this role of headship has been confused and misunderstood by both men and women. The result? Dr. Harold Voth of the Menninger Foundation in America says that this “blurring of sexual roles in the family” is having a “disastrous” consequence. He recommended: “We’ve got to start looking at the family structure as it existed in the old pioneer days of this country. The man was undisputed head of the family. He was strong. His family could rely on him.”

Yet, many women complain that their husbands do not take a proper lead. And this is true. In some cases, the husband is primarily at fault, being concerned more with his own selfish interests. In other cases he may even be lazy. Some do not want the responsibilities that go with headship, and so abandon it.

At other times, however, the attitude of the wife could be a major part of the problem. When a wife becomes overly aggressive and begins to compete with her husband’s headship, he will usually resent it. He may react by letting his wife do what she wants to do, although showing his disapproval in many other ways.

The resentment by wives of a husband’s poor headship and the resentment by husbands of competing wives are major stumbling blocks to marital happiness. But what can be done to assure that the arrangement will work the way it was designed, the way that will be best for the marriage?

Right Kind of Husband

A husband who wants a happy marriage, and a happy wife, needs to cultivate the right kind of attitude toward his headship. There is simply no substitute for proper headship if there is to be a genuinely happy marriage.

Some men, not familiar with God’s ways, think that being the head means being the “boss,” a “dictator.” To have such an attitude is to make a bad mistake. It will produce a hostile reaction in most normal women.

The kind of headship God requires of a husband gives him no license to oppress or brutalize his wife, or to reduce her to the condition of a ‘second-class citizen.’ God never purposed for a husband to be that kind of head.

On the contrary, the husband is commanded to learn how to be kind, gentle, understanding, actively interested in his wife’s welfare. God’s standard is, “husbands ought to be loving their wives as their own bodies,” being willing to make sacrifices for them.​—Eph. 5:28.

To what extent? Notice: “Husbands, continue loving your wives, just as the Christ also loved the congregation.” How far did Christ go in doing this? When it became necessary, he “delivered up himself for it,” the Bible answers. Yes, Jesus Christ set a fine example of giving himself fully to those he loved. He was even willing to die for them.​—Eph. 5:25.

The right kind of husband will make a conscious effort to let his wife know that he loves her and appreciates her contribution. He should do this, not just by what he does for her, but also by what he says to her. “Pleasant sayings are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and a healing to the bones,” says Proverbs 16:24. Women were made with the emotional need to be shown that they are wanted, needed and appreciated. And it is not a sign of unmanliness or weakness for a husband to show this.

The husband who lets his wife know of his love by what he says and does usually gets a favorable response from her. Most normal women will respond by showing even greater love and respect for such a husband. They will be more willing to do things in his behalf. Why is this so?

Because God created women to respond to kindness, tenderness and affection. The more that a man shows his love for his wife, the more she is likely to respond. And, interestingly, the more she responds, the more likely the husband is to want to continue doing things for her. Yes, it is a case of ‘reaping what you sow.’

The Bible’s “blueprint” provided for the family head even says: “You husbands, continue dwelling in like manner with them according to knowledge, assigning them honor as to a weaker vessel, the feminine one.”​—1 Pet. 3:7.

How do you ‘assign honor’ to other persons? By being considerate of their opinions, their likes and dislikes. By giving them the preference when there is no major issue at stake. By not belittling or embarrassing them, either privately or in front of others. Yes, by caring for them, and showing it.

This consideration should carry over to the sexual aspect of marriage. When the husband is tender and considerate he will find that his wife usually is more responsive. She was not created to respond to a harsh, demanding, greedy mate, and will lose respect for that kind of man.

When a husband is the right kind of head, his wife will not find his headship a burden. Instead, she will find it a relief from burdens that she was not made to carry.

When Wives Do Their Part

A wife who does her part can do much to encourage a husband to be the right kind of head. Wives who work at being ‘in subjection to their husbands’ are often astonished at the results.​—Col. 3:18; Titus 2:4, 5.

How can a wife do this? She can begin by showing a willingness to regard her husband as the God-ordained family head. She should avoid competing with him or constantly nagging him. When problems arise, she can ask for his suggestions and guidance. This shows that she looks to him for leadership and values his opinions. When he makes mistakes, she will want to avoid belittling him. When no major issue is involved, she should not argue against his decisions. And when he begins to show a willingness to take the lead, the wife should express appreciation.

One wife who began doing this said: “I can hardly believe the difference. A few months ago my husband and I were on the verge of splitting up. But today we’re like​—well—​honeymooners, only better.” The dramatic change was caused by “wifely submissiveness.”

Regarding wifely submissiveness, Woman’s Day magazine stated: “It’s a philosophy of marriage that has won thousands of devoted converts​—women who are so pleased with the results” that they do not mind letting the husband be the head. They prefer it, since they have found that usually the husband becomes far more responsive to the wife’s needs, more willing to make concessions in her behalf.

In most cases, even a partial attempt by the wife to work at her role of supporting a husband’s headship had a considerable effect on the marriage. And the more the wife adapts herself to the role for which she was designed, the better the results are likely to be. Doing otherwise can only result in conflict, like trying to drive the wrong way on a one-way street.

Coping with Imperfection

Another reality to reckon with is human imperfection. We are all born with the tendency to make mistakes. “We all stumble many times,” says the Bible.​—Jas. 3:2; Ps. 51:5; Rom. 5:12.

By accepting this reality at the very beginning, one marriage mate will not demand what the other cannot produce​—perfection. Instead, they will allow for each other’s mistakes. Hence, they will not expect perfect happiness, since imperfect people cannot produce it. As psychologist Larry Cash wrote in Canada’s Chatelaine magazine:

“Even though I’m part of the ‘human potential’ movement, I have to admit I’m angered by that movement. Unintentionally, we’ve misled a lot of people into expecting they can be 99 44/100-percent happy, when in real life you’re really beating the odds if you achieve 70-percent happiness.”

Of course, a husband and a wife will want to work at avoiding what irritates the other mate. Nevertheless, shortcomings will occur and may be painfully evident. How should these be handled? By making a ‘mountain out of a molehill’? No, the Bible’s sound counsel is: “Love covers a multitude of sins.” (1 Pet. 4:8) It does not keep exposing mistakes or “rehashing” them. It says, in effect, ‘Yes, you made a mistake. But so do I at times. So I’ll overlook yours, and you may do the same for me.’

When marriage mates do not try to pretend that they are perfect, or infallible, they will not try to win every argument over differences. A person may win an argument, but lose the war, so to speak. A goal in marriage should be solving problems, not winning arguments.

When couples are willing to admit mistakes and try to correct them in humility, a mountain of additional arguments and heartaches can be avoided. As one woman said:

“I try harder to make this marriage work. I avoid irritating my husband. I try not to be selfish and to see his point of view. I’m willing to compromise. Winning every argument, getting my own way, is no longer important. We are considerate of each other.”

Free Choice

That kind of consideration is vital for another reason. It is because God has created us as free moral agents. That is, he allows us to exercise a wide range of freedoms of choice within the boundaries of his righteous laws and principles.

Therefore we should not expect that any two persons will have exactly the same views, likes and dislikes. By allowing for differences, there will be no disappointment or irritation when one mate has a preference not exactly the same as the other’s.

For instance, the wife may have certain tastes in home decorating that are different from the husband’s. But since the woman was created with a generally greater ability in this area, the wise husband allows her much latitude in such things. Similarly, the husband’s preferences are not always the same as his wife’s. She should allow for them, particularly in areas where he is better suited, such as in headship, when making major purchases, or in regard to where to live and work.

But what if differences exist in areas where, really, both have a “right” to their own wishes, such as in the choice of food? Well, why not serve one kind of food one day, the other kind another day? Or a little of both each day? In this way both preferences are allowed for, and individuality is not squashed.

Considering each other’s feelings in this way is in harmony with Bible principles, for “love is patient and kind; it is not jealous . . . or selfish.” (1 Cor. 13:4, 5, Today’s English Version) So marriage partners need to follow the rule of “keeping an eye, not in personal interest upon just your own matters, but also in personal interest upon those of the others.”​—Phil. 2:4.

However, there will likely be things that come up in a marriage that are very difficult to resolve. Both mates may feel strongly about them and may want their way. Even when all the foregoing principles are put into practice, what should take place when there is still an irreconcilable difference? Then the Bible rule is: ‘Let wives be subject to their husbands in everything.’ (Eph. 5:24) In other words, where there has to be a final decision, the wife who abides by God’s viewpoint must let her husband make that final decision, provided he is not asking her to break God’s laws. True, he may make a wrong decision. But, then, so could she. In any event, he is given the responsibility of making such final decisions.

Yet, more often than not, a loving, submissive wife will no doubt find that her husband will choose to favor her preferences. So at those times when he exercises the right to make a final choice different from her preference, the wife should cooperate.

Powerful Helps

Often the real blame for marriage problems rests with the frustrating and unsatisfying world we live in. However, when a person knows what God’s purpose is, many of those frustrations fade away.

The Bible identifies our very generation as the “last days” of this present system. It shows that this era, with its “critical times hard to deal with,” will soon come to an end. (2 Tim. 3:1) Then God will replace this decaying system with a righteous new order of his making. (2 Pet. 3:13) In that new order, people will have opportunities for life and happiness that we can only dream of now. Yes, “the world is passing away and so is its desire, but he that does the will of God remains forever.”​—1 John 2:17.

As the Bible says, those who do not have this knowledge of the future “become faint out of fear” because of deteriorating conditions. But those who are fortified with accurate knowledge of God’s purposes ‘raise themselves erect and lift their heads up, because their deliverance is getting near.’ (Luke 21:25-28) This outlook has made a tremendous difference in the marriages of God-fearing persons.

Too, marriage mates who turn to God for guidance can expect something else. The Bible says that God “acts for the one that keeps in expectation of him.” (Isa. 64:4) God’s powerful active force, the force that created this awesome universe, will operate for such ones.

Hence, they can have a “power beyond what is normal” helping them in their married lives. (2 Cor. 4:7) And what can God’s active force, or holy spirit, produce in receptive couples? “The fruitage of the spirit is love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faith, mildness, self-control.” (Gal. 5:22, 23) What an amazing array of positive qualities those are, working for the happiness of a marriage!

You can understand, then, why people who acknowledge God as the originator of marriage, who let his laws and principles be their guide, and who receive help from him, have the happiest and most rewarding marriages now possible.

No. Marriage is not on the way out! What is on the way out is this present unsatisfactory world with its debased ideas of marriage. On the way in is a new order of God’s making. And since God created marriage, we can be confident that his purpose for it will be fully realized, both now and then.

Thus, where marriage is concerned, we have a choice. We can follow this world’s degraded standards and reap its bitter fruitage. Or, we can follow our Creator’s standards and reap the benefits of a happy married life now and even greater happiness to come in the future.

[Blurb on page 18]

Are you doing your part to make your marriage happy?

[Picture on page 21]

Yes, marriage can survive and be happy by . . .

. . . Respecting God’s blueprint for marriage

. . . Accepting individual roles

. . . Cooperating not competing

. . . Allowing for imperfections

. . . Making room for individual choice

. . . Being united in the hope ahead