What Is Going On at Home Today?

WHAT is the most violent place in your area? Would it shock you to think that “home” may claim that sorry distinction?

“Family fights,” said the Los Angeles Times, “have become one of the most common and most dangerous expressions of violence in the country today. In virtually every block, in every borough, town and suburb, couples are kicking, elbowing, slapping and punching. . . . Violence in the streets may be more visible, but the violence that takes place in the home is more widespread—and just as lethal.”

Millions in the Orient, Europe, South America—yes, everywhere—must sadly agree: Their home is a violent battleground. But others, based on their own experience or somewhat on wishful thinking, may express sentiments as old as Cicero’s: “There is no place more delightful than home.” Or they may agree with the German poet Goethe, who said: “He is the happiest, be he king or peasant, who finds peace in his home.”

Yet how many today actually do find peace at home? Do you? Do most of your neighbors? Do your workmates or school companions? The fact is that home violence is a pressing problem that we cannot ignore, as these reports show:

Japan’s newspapers heralded the opening of a haven for brutalized wives, saying, “Battered wives no longer have to suffer in silence.” Having seen women with broken bones and huge bruises—including one whose alcoholic husband beat her with a baseball bat almost nightly—the director of that center in Tokyo said: “The number of fights in Japanese homes has increased greatly since World War II.”

From England comes similar news about the situation there and in Europe. A House of Commons committee reported: “Home is for many a very violent place.” Proof of that can be seen in the streaming of British women to newly established shelters. For example, there is Sheila. Still in her twenties, she arrived with a broken nose, and with most of her teeth and much of her hair missing. Also, her husband had so often thrown her son across the room for crying that at three years of age he was too afraid to speak.

Are these isolated examples? Sad to say, they are not. American Congresswoman Barbara Mikulski pointed out that a quarter of all killings in the United States occur within the family, half of these being husband or wife murders. A coauthor of Wife Beating: The Silent Crisis estimated that 28 million American wives are physically abused by their mates.

Can any of us say that we are entirely untouched by the tentacles of this “cancer,” home violence? Certainly the millions of families where wife-beating, child abuse or husband-battering occurs know that they are affected. So are we, if some dear friend or relative of ours is battered at home. What if we employ or work with someone who comes to the job bruised and distraught? Does it not affect us, perhaps even economically? Also, what is home violence doing to the quality of police and hospital emergency-room service that we get? Did you know that in some places more police die in the course of handling domestic violence than in any other avenue of their duty? Responding to family-fight calls eats up a major share of the policeman’s time, time that otherwise could be used protecting the rest of us from public crime and violence.

What are the causes of so much violence in the home? Is divorce, with the resulting broken home, the basic answer? If the “cancer” of violence has erupted in your home—or you detect any tendencies in that direction—what can you do about it? Since the Bible’s counsel has been effective in dealing with many others of life’s problems, what help does it give us with this one? The following articles will discuss these matters. Let us consider home violence with the encouraging conviction that something can be done about it.

[Blurb on page 3]

“Family violence is as American as the flag or apple pie. Beating your wife is as American a pastime as baseball. Violence appears in roughly 60 per cent of all American homes.”—“The Oregonian,” June 14, 1977.

[Blurb on page 4]

“Physical violence occurs between family members more often than it occurs between any other individuals or in any other setting except for wars and riots.”—National Institute of Mental Health.

True Accounts—What Do They Show?

LOCAL gossips and tabloid newspapers often highlight tales of family violence, doing so because morbid interest in such stories is common. However, it is for a totally different reason that we present the following true accounts.a These are offered in order that we might learn from them. Thus, after each case we will raise some thought-provoking questions. Ponder over these. The examples presented may help you to see where responsibility for the problem often rests. They may alert you to weaknesses giving rise to the difficulty and may aid you to discern ways of solving this problem or avoiding violence in the home. This is in harmony with the Bible proverb: “Sensible people will see trouble coming and avoid it, but an unthinking person will walk right into it and regret it later.”—Prov. 22:3, “Today’s English Version.”

A dreadful scar from Gloria’s chin to her collarbone is one of the first things you would note about this 24-year-old New York woman. She was one of six children. When her father was drunk he often beat his wife and daughters. To escape the violence Gloria’s mother sometimes fled the home. But she would return.

Gloria turned to heroin as a way of escape. Her next step was to leave home and marry Robert, another addict. He beat her but, because of her childhood, that seemed to Gloria to be just a normal part of family life. When she became pregnant, Gloria sought treatment to overcome her heroin addiction. After her son was born his crying made life more difficult. She began to drink heavily. Under the stress of her marriage and caring for an infant, Gloria began to abuse her baby—slapping him, beating him and burning his feet with a hot iron; once she even broke both his arms. When her baby was just over a year old he was put in a foster home.

Robert’s response was to beat Gloria more and finally to leave her. Soon afterward she took up with Albert and was hopeful of a real change. But he had a quick temper and when enraged would lash out at her. During one fight he beat Gloria so badly that she wound up in the hospital with broken ribs. Did that shock them into making changes? Hardly. As Albert was bringing her home from the hospital he got angry again. Picking up a bottle from the gutter, he broke it and slashed Gloria’s throat, leaving the horrible scar we mentioned.

The family began to get help from social workers. Gloria stopped drinking and works at providing a more balanced diet for the family. Albert is trying to control his anger and now sometimes goes weeks without hitting his wife.

Ask yourself: TO WHAT EXTENT WAS ALCOHOL PART OF THE PROBLEM? HOW DID GLORIA’S CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCE AFFECT HER?

Sarah’s marriage certainly did not mellow with age. Assaults at her husband’s hands came with increasing frequency. Aside from the tranquilizers she was taking, Sarah’s recent history—two broken ribs, a missing tooth, bruises, lacerations and being hospitalized three times—bore witness that her husband was losing his temper more easily. Her two teen-aged sons could see that too.

One day Sarah’s husband, before leaving for work, told his 16-year-old son to clean up the garage. By lunchtime it was not done and the lad said that he was going swimming with his friends. That frightened Sarah, for she knew that her husband would pour out his wrath on her. Her knuckles were white on the back of the kitchen chair as she told her son, “You’ve got to clean up the garage today.” “Get off my back!” he yelled, and stormed up the stairs toward his room. Running up behind him, Sarah grabbed his arm and started to say, “You’re not going anywhere until . . . ” But she didn’t finish. He swirled about and violently shoved against her chest. Grabbing for the handrail, Sarah missed and fell all the way down the steps into a pile at the bottom.

Ask yourself: WAS WAITING THE SOLUTION? WHAT RELATIONSHIP SEEMS TO EXIST BETWEEN THE TEMPERAMENT AND ACTIONS OF FATHER AND SON?

[Letter to a counselor:] “I am 13 years old and am writing this letter not only for myself but for my four younger brothers and sisters. They are 11, 10, 9 and 6. Our parents don’t miss a night to fight. We are fed up with the yelling and screaming and name-calling, door-slamming and plate-throwing. Dad works hard and is a great guy. The minute he walks in the door mom hits him with a list of complaints. He tells her to shut up and then the battle is on. After the fight is over, mom cries and says dad doesn’t love her. She is wrong. He loves her a lot. But if he didn’t, would you blame him? Who wants to get chewed out all the time? Please help us straighten these two out. We don’t want our family split, but this is no way to live.”

Ask yourself: WHO WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE VIOLENT FIGHTS? WHAT COULD BE DONE TO PREVENT SUCH ANGRY SCENES? DO YOU KNOW OF CHILDREN WHO MIGHT HAVE CAUSE TO WRITE SUCH A LETTER?

Connie had been beaten almost senseless by her husband of many years. Too embarrassed to go to the hospital for needed treatment, she went to a shelter for battered women that had been set up nearby in San Antonio, Texas. Without going into the mutual tensions or frustrations that led up to the outburst, Connie described the occasion of her beating.

Her husband had come home, but he was not his normal self. Rather, he was staggering drunk, reeking of beer. In the emotionally charged confrontation that followed, Connie slapped him. It was the first time in their years of marriage that she had done so. “Then,” she recalls, “he got me. He started hitting me like I was a man—punching me in the stomach, the neck. And after I was down, he kicked me.” It was a brutal attack, an assault.

Ask yourself: WHO WAS GUILTY OF VIOLENCE IN THIS CASE? HOW COULD SUCH A FIGHT HAVE BEEN AVOIDED? WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE IF YOU HAD BEEN CONNIE?

While these examples do not cover the full range of home violence, they do illustrate some of the more common aspects of the problem. And the subsequent questions may already have helped you to gain some insight into home violence. In the articles to follow, some of the factors in these true accounts will be taken up. Also, we will specifically focus in on causes and results of violence involving husbands, wives and children. Then we will be better able to appreciate counsel about solving this problem or preventing this widespread scourge that is destroying the families and lives of so many today.

[Footnotes]

Battered Wives/Battered Husbands—What Is Behind It?

HOME violence is so common that many of us have seen its damage. Glancing at your neighbor or workmate, you may note effects common to many family fights—bruises and scratches only partially concealed by dark glasses, a high-necked sweater or heavy makeup. You wonder: ‘What kind of marriage must she (or he) have? Surely they were in love when they got married. So what happened?’

Yes, what is behind the battering? Who are guilty of beating their mates? Is it mainly husbands? What home climate gives rise to family violence? Are certain outside influences common? In practical ways, what can we do about it? Let us consider the matter.

What Kind of Man Beats His Wife?

Regarding home violence, certain stereotypes come to many a mind. Persons often picture a “blue-collar worker”—perhaps a truck driver, ditchdigger or garbage man—who stops off at the local bar, “tanks up” on beer and staggers home ready to fight. There are many like that, as we saw earlier in Connie’s and Gloria’s cases.

But if you think that family violence is confined mainly to such persons, you are mistaken. “Family violence,” states the column “Intelligence Report,” “cuts across race, class, and background. It is widespread and occurs as often among the upper middle class as among the lower.” (Parade, October 16, 1977, p. 18) Wife Beating: The Silent Crisis points out:

“Those who work with battered women report victims among the wives of physicians, lawyers, college professors, and even clergymen. In Dr. Gelles’s spouse-abuse study, the families with the most violence were those with the highest incomes.”—p. 7.

Why is it that family violence can and does cripple all types of families? There is an underlying reason that most sociologists overlook. Your being aware of it will help you to perceive the root of the matter, whether you are thinking about your own family or that of some close friend or relative.

The oldest record of family life, the Bible, shows that at first human marriage was perfect. When first married, Adam and Eve were sinless. Their thinking, actions and emotions were in proper balance. In that state they would not have suffered home violence, would they? Yet in time they disobeyed God, becoming imperfect. As to one effect of their disobedience, God looked ahead in time and told the woman: “Your craving will be for your husband, and he will dominate you.” (Gen. 3:16) Yes, most women would have such a desire for a husband that they might even be willing to endure an overbearing, brutal man. Millenniums of history underscore that pitiful fact. Also, Jehovah God foresaw that many husbands, unbalanced by imperfection, would carry their headship to extremes, becoming wife-beating tyrants. So what is the common denominator in all cases of family violence? Human imperfection.

It is vital for us to recognize that all of us have descended from that first pair and have inherited an imperfect human nature. (Rom. 5:12) Hence, the evil seed for being violent at home exists within all of us—rich or poor, illiterate or highly educated. What, though, causes it to sprout and bloom? Frustration, alcohol, lack of communication, jealousy and feelings of rejection or insecurity are like nutrients in water causing the seed of violence to sprout. Before considering what can be done about these factors, let us look into how some of them give rise to violence in many families today.

Frustrated Man—Violent Man?

Focusing in on a common trigger for violence in the home, one doctor commented: “I think we have to see wife beating within the context of a society in which there is an enormous amount of frustration and tension. We are living in an extraordinary period where economic tensions and unemployment are very great. These kinds of pressures drift down into the family inevitably.”

Let’s convert that into everyday terms. We can picture a tense husband returning from work. He may have been tired when he left for work in the morning and may have faced traffic jams or noisy subways. On the job he was repeatedly hassled by customers or his boss. But he had to keep his frustration bottled up inside. When he finally gets home, he may immediately face crying children or his wife who has a justified grievance she has been waiting to tell him. What happens? Sometimes the frustration and tension explode into violence. For fear of losing his job, he couldn’t lash out at his boss, and he couldn’t hit the jamming traffic. But woe to his wife or children! “If a man is upset,” said one marital therapist, “he isn’t supposed to cry. It’s more manly to put his fist through the wall. Only sometimes the wall is his wife.”

If you are a husband, can you see yourself letting out frustration in that way? If you are a wife, can you imagine your husband reacting so violently? Does it take some major conflict before it happens?

Actually the spark that can set off the violence may of itself be quite minor: Supper is not ready on time, the wife declares that she wants to take a college course or she says she doesn’t feel like having sexual relations. Her tense and frustrated husband may think such factors are challenging his authority. He explodes in angry violence.

“He that is slow to anger,” says Proverbs 14:29, “is abundant in discernment, but one that is impatient is exalting foolishness.” Many men who have struck their wives, afterward, shamefully have seen the truthfulness of that proverb. Once a man lets loose his bottled-up frustrations by hitting his wife or child in anger, more problems usually follow. The first act of battering often leads to a second. It can be like a crack in a dam; it easily can grow until a torrent of savagery floods the marriage.

Two law students interviewed victims of wife abuse, as well as public officials dealing with the problem. The conclusion?

“Wife beating tends to be not just a single unfortunate outburst but a chronic trouble symptom. [95 percent] of the women they talked to got their first beating in their first year of marriage, and the assaults tended to come more frequently and with increasing violence as the years went by. Unchecked, they might have resulted eventually in death. . . . Generally, what caused the flare-up was some relatively minor annoyance—clearly just a catalyst for some deeper rage or old frustration.”

The first year of marriage is especially critical because of the new pressures that may build up. Besides the mates’ trying to adjust to one another, the husband now feels a heavier economic burden. And if the wife becomes pregnant, that increases the pressure on him as well as possibly stirring up resentment or jealousy over her thrill and preoccupation with something that means less attention for him.

Alcohol—The Cause?

Often alcohol comes into the picture. One survey concluded: “In 60 percent of the cases, alcohol consumption by the assailant was always present at the time of the attack.” The director of a Washington, D.C., crisis center says that up to 80 percent of the wife-batterings are alcohol related.

But is alcohol actually the cause? Perhaps the answer is No; but many times it is Yes. Regarding the link between drinking and wife-beating, psychologist Dr. Lenore Walker observes: “It may be used as an excuse but there doesn’t appear to be a direct cause and effect.” However, the Bible perceptively says: “Wine is a ridiculer, intoxicating liquor is boisterous, and everyone going astray by it is not wise.” (Prov. 20:1) Have you not observed that alcohol tends to lower inhibitions, so that a person becomes boisterous or less controlled? Thus when a husband who is frustrated or who feels anger toward his wife gets to drinking, it may be easier for him to become violent. After studying the problem, Dr. Richard J. Gelles reported:

“The drinker can use the period when he is drunk as a ‘time out’ when he is not responsible for his actions. Also alcohol can serve as an excuse . . . nothing is wrong in the family, it’s ‘demon rum’ that’s the blame.”

Is there a lesson here regarding the use of alcoholic beverages?

Communication or Fists?

As you can appreciate, mates who resort to physical abuse often have a severe weakness with regard to communication. They find it hard to express their feelings, including such powerful ones as jealousy, loneliness, insecurity and fear. “Although we live in a highly verbal society,” says sociologist Sherod Miller, “few of us have learned how to talk to one another about sensitive issues.”

This is especially a problem for men. “A major cause of domestic violence,” comments Jan Peterson of the National Congress of Neighborhood Women, “is the inability of men to communicate with women, except through physical means.”

If a man can learn, though, to express his feelings in controlled words—not in angry outbursts and profanity—the fruitage in his family will be so much better than if he resorts to violence. Ancient King Solomon said: “From the fruitage of his mouth a man will eat good, but the very soul of those dealing treacherously is violence.”—Prov. 13:2.

Even though it is generally thought that women are more inclined and better able to express their feelings in words, the evidence is that many wives contribute to the communication problem. Family counselor Paul Shaner observes that sometimes a battered wife may “be playing power games” by giving her husband “the silent treatment.” Some wives, he explains, claim that their silence stems from fear that they’ll say the wrong thing, “but the man sees it as a power tactic.” Shaner concludes: “These two people haven’t talked, haven’t really communicated, in a very long time.” We who are married do well to ask ourselves, Is the communication normal in our marriage?

Violent Women?

It is not unusual to speak of husbands who beat their wives, but do you think many husbands are battered by their wives? Do many wives give in to violence, measurably adding to the problem of home violence? Yes!

“The most unreported crime is not wife beating,” says sociologist Suzanne Steinmetz. “It’s husband beating. . . . When it comes to using minor amounts of physical force, slapping, hitting, pushing, there just appears to be no real differences between men and women. One of the reasons you have the battered-wife phenomenon is not that men are more aggressive, they just seem to be physically stronger and are able to do more damage.”

Less is heard about husband-battering because how many husbands are inclined to walk into a police station (or even telephone one) and tell a burly sergeant, “My wife is beating me up”? Yet many wives are doing just that! The husband may be smaller, older, frail or even sick. And even if he is strong enough to defend himself, he might not do so out of a sense of chivalry or because of fear that if he would really let go he would seriously injure his wife.

Some wives who loudly decry their husband’s violence ignore their own guilt. For example, a wife learns that her husband put money in the bank in his name rather than in a joint account. In the resulting argument she slaps him. Maybe weeks later she seems to be the wrongdoer, such as by swearing at him or refusing to have sexual relations, and in anger he hits her. True, she may be the one whose body shows bruises. But have they not both been guilty of violence? Recall the case of Connie presented on page 6. A wife’s violence may be like a spark that sets off an explosion.

How is a wife going to respond if her husband, who is stronger, abuses her? The tragedy is that in many cases it is by grabbing and using whatever weapon is handy—a pot, a vase, a knife or an ice-pick. Consider what happened with 5-foot 2-inch, 110-pound Roxanne Gay. According to newspapers in 1977, she had repeatedly called the police about her husband’s brutally beating her. He was Blenda Gay, the 6-foot 5-inch, 265-pound defensive end for the Philadelphia Eagles football team. Finally, during a quarrel this small wife grabbed a knife and stabbed him in the neck. The police found him dead in a pool of blood.

What Can Be Done?

We have examined a number of things behind the problem of battered wives and battered husbands. The root of the difficulty is human imperfection, which means that we are all susceptible to becoming violent. The many frustrations we face in modern life make this a distinct possibility. Lack of control of one’s emotions, such as jealousy or resentment, also inclines one to explosions of violence. Often home violence occurs under the influence of alcohol. And we have seen that both men and women are guilty of spouse abuse.

Though such insight into causes of home violence is important, we need more. The prevalence of the problem necessitates that we positively try to prevent or solve the problem. What about these questions: How should we act when we get angry? Is our view of alcohol, money or our job involved? If violence already reigns in our home, is divorce the best answer? Can the Bible help persons to make real changes in their personality and reactions? The following articles deal with such questions.

[Blurb on page 10]

“In murders involving husbands and wives, the wife was the victim in 52% of the incidents and the husband in the remaining 48.”—FBI crime statistics.

[Blurb on page 11]

“Some wives do provoke their husbands. Although this is certainly not always the case, I feel that it is usually the case. I have seen a number of couples in which the woman had hit the husband repeatedly before he finally hit back.”—Dr. Marguerite Fogel.

Children in a Climate of Violence

“EACH year, as many as 6.5 million children are harmed by parents or other family members. . . . Thousands of children each year are so seriously battered by their parents as to require medical treatment. Another 700,000 are deprived of food, clothing and shelter, and between 60,000 and 100,000 are sexually abused.”—“U.S. News & World Report,” January 15, 1979.

Child abuse is truly a heartrending problem. In some cases, child victims are simply weak, available objects on which parents vent frustrations, jealousy or anger. Yet in many other cases it is a matter of parents carrying to a harmful extreme something that children do need—discipline. The wise and loving Originator of family life tells us: “Chastise your son while there exists hope.” “The rod and reproof are what give wisdom; but a boy let on the loose will be causing his mother shame.”—Prov. 19:18; 29:15.

In studying the problem of child abuse, psychologist D. J. Madden found that “children can feel oppressed by too much discipline or abandoned by too much leniency.” He explains: “Children expect parents to make decisions. When they don’t, the child questions whether he can depend on his parents. And if the child takes over, he can become the disciplinarian.”

“Awake!” of July 22, 1976, dealt extensively with child abuse, including what parents can do to make sure that, though giving their children needed discipline, they do not become child-batterers.

However, let us here give attention to how children are affected by living in a climate of husband/wife violence. Could it be that children who see such abuse learn important lessons from it and thus, when they grow up, are more motivated to avoid being a wife- or husband-batterer?

If a child sees mother or father being abused, that picture is stored away. Later, when he or she gets angry as an adult, it is easy to revert back to the pattern seen in youth. Simply stated, violence begets violence. Consider the example of John, a 26-year-old husband who admitted to counselors that he beat his wife repeatedly during their seven-year marriage. When he was a lad, family violence was common. His father drank and often attacked John’s mother, sometimes with a knife. Remembering his father, John sobbed: “When I got in the middle, he would throw me against the wall. I said this would never happen in my house. Funny, huh?” Also, recall the case of Sarah’s husband and son related on page 5.

Yes, research shows that children brought up in a climate of home violence often become violent themselves. From a negative standpoint this bears out the Biblical truism: “Train up a boy according to the way for him; even when he grows old he will not turn aside from it.”—Prov. 22:6.

Writing in “The Canadian” of April 1, 1978, Dr. Elie Cass states: “Where there is an unhappy, violent home life, a child will grow up to use the model of violence learned as a family member to solve problems when he or she becomes a parent.” The founder of a refuge for battered women in London, England, says: “If we look at the histories of these men, they were either beaten as children or actually watched it . . . so the violence goes from one generation to the next. It becomes the norm.”

Even if seeing home violence in childhood does not result in one’s later becoming an abuser of wife, husband or child, it takes a tragic toll. A North Carolina study of “children who are not physically abused but who live in families [with] violent parents . . . found chronic depression among 37 percent of the children. . . . Another 40 percent suffered anxiety, while 25 percent had undergone therapy for psychological disorders.”

Clearly, then, families with children have an additional reason for positive action to solve the problem of violence or prevent it at home. If the parents ignore this need and their children are forced to live in a climate of home violence, it is very possible that the youths will be emotionally damaged and may well carry this terrible scourge into the next generation.

Are the Police or the Courts the Answer?

IT IS one thing to know that home violence is widespread, but it is another thing to avoid being part of it. It is one thing to learn some causes behind it, but another thing to know how to cope with home violence or to prevent it in your own home.

Persons who have not lived in a violent home may be quick to say that the solution is simply to call the police or, if necessary, just get a divorce. But is it that simple?

Many an abused wife (or husband) knowingly chooses to stay despite the mate’s brutality. Why? For some, it is because of the children, feeling that a violent home is better than a broken one. Others fear losing a sexual partner or companion and living out their lives alone. Fear of subsequent vengeance holds a number. Some brutalized wives have a lingering love for their husbands, buoyed up by hope that they will change. And many are held captive by worry that they couldn’t support themselves.

Suzanne is an example. She was 18 when she married Alex. Shortly thereafter his violent side surfaced. “He ordered me around,” she relates. “He couldn’t take any criticism, especially when he drank, which was most nights. He expected me to cook, clean, take care of the children, have sex, do whatever he wanted when he wanted. It was really like living in a jail cell. . . . He’d hit me and hurt me if I didn’t obey him.” Why not leave? “I really loved him. I thought he’d change. . . . Later, when I finally woke up and realized he’d never change, I had no place to go, no money.”

Battered wives often resort to calling the police. However, when the police come, usually the most they can do is stop the present battle. How can they, in 20 minutes or so, change the basic home situation? A wife’s next step might be to get the courts to issue an order of protection or a peace bond. Many abused women threaten to do that, but do not follow through. When it is done, however, it does sometimes tend to make a violent husband hesitate, realizing: ‘If I beat her up again, I could wind up in jail.’

After trying such protective approaches (or without even trying them) some battered mates apply for a legal separation or divorce. In a Cleveland, Ohio, study 36 percent of the women gave physical abuse as their reason for seeking a divorce. However, Mrs. Eileen Mack, supervisor of probation for Family Court in New York commented about couples with violent marriages:

“If you rush people into court, you’re doing them a disservice. The answer is not to break up families, but to get them both in to talk it over.”

Furthermore, what about the Christian who is battered, yet knows that God’s Word discourages divorce? Jesus said that the only ground for divorce that leaves one Scripturally free to remarry is fornication (adultery) on the part of one’s mate. (Matt. 19:9; Mal. 2:10-16) And the apostle Paul urged Christians to remain with their unbelieving mates in hopes of saving them.—1 Cor. 7:12-16.

This counsel can be weighed in the light of God’s plain disapproval of brutality and cruel anger. “Anyone loving violence,” says Psalm 11:5, “His soul certainly hates.” The Bible calls strife, fits of anger and contentions “works of the flesh” that can bar one from God’s kingdom.—Gal. 5:19-21; Matt. 5:22.

Understandably, then, Paul wrote: “A woman who has an unbelieving husband, and yet he is agreeable to dwelling with her, let her not leave her husband.” (1 Cor. 7:13) Wives have asked themselves: ‘Is a husband’s violently abusing his wife evidence that he is “agreeable” to living with her?’ Some Christian victims have concluded, No. And they have gone ahead and sought protection through a legal separation or divorce even though aware that they did not have Scriptural freedom to remarry.

Any Alternative?

As we have noted, some abused spouses feel that they have compelling reasons to try to remain with their mates. Particularly when there are minor children, some Christian wives with violent unbelieving husbands have hesitated to seek a legal separation or divorce. They have been concerned with retaining their opportunity to teach the children life-giving Bible truths. So the valid question arises, Is there an alternative approach to coping with home violence? That may be the question also in any marriage where both mates have been guilty of violent outbursts. Can changes be made and the violence be overcome?

What Can Be Done About Home Violence?

WHO would deny that home violence is a serious matter deserving prompt attention? But, in practical terms, what can be done when a family is afflicted with violence?

First of all, what emotion do you connect with home violence? Is it not anger? In relatively few marriages is there violence because one mate enjoys being cruel and inflicting pain. Rather, in most instances, home violence results from uncontrolled anger, such as that brought on by frustration, jealousy, loneliness or insecurity.

Earlier we saw that we all have inherited sin and imperfection. (Rom. 5:12) Lack of full control of our emotions is one grievous result. Thus, which one of us has not gotten so angry that he has said or done something that he has later regretted? The Bible contains a number of accounts of Jehovah God’s servants displaying this weakness.—Gen. 34:1-31; 49:5-7; Jonah 4:1, 9.

Should we, then, expect that in a relationship as close as the family anger will never crop up? Frankly, no. Even if it is only indignation over another imperfect family member’s failing to do what is right, thoughtful or loving, anger will sometimes occur. (Compare 1 Samuel 20:34; Job 32:3.) In fact, the Bible realistically counsels Christians: “Be wrathful, and yet do not sin; let the sun not set with you in a provoked state.”—Eph. 4:26.

When you get angry, though, should you give free reign to anger in what is called “aggressive leveling”? That is what you might read or be told. For example, psychologist George Bach wrote:

“Verbal conflict between husband and wife is . . . highly desirable. Couples who fight together are couples who stay together—provided they know how to fight properly.”—The Intimate Enemy.

Yet from what you have seen in life, is venting wrath by angry words truly advisable? According to a study by Dr. Murray A. Straus, a professor of family sociology, it isn’t. He found:

“Aggressive leveling between spouses is not only of little use in dealing with family conflicts but may also be ‘a dangerous oversimplification which could bring misery to the lives of millions.’ . . . Both wives and husbands almost always responded to harsh and hostile statements with others in the same vein.”

It is like an uncontrolled nuclear chain reaction that escalates into an explosion. Dr. Straus concluded:

“Couples who use a lot of verbal violence are far more likely to end up using physical violence as well. . . . It also becomes increasingly easy, he says, to go from hurting a spouse verbally to hurting him or her physically.”—McCall’s, October 1975.

Thus, no matter what psychological theory is in vogue, actual human experience proves for us the wisdom of God’s advice to control anger: “A man given to anger stirs up contention, and anyone disposed to rage has many a transgression.” “As a city broken through, without a [protective] wall, is the man that has no restraint for his spirit.” “Let anger alone and leave rage; do not show yourself heated up only to do evil.” (Prov. 29:22; 25:28; Ps. 37:8) Any person who has (or even nearly has) become violent in the home can benefit himself and his family by studying and earnestly applying God’s counsel about anger and self-control.a

“Yes,” many will say, “but just what do you do when you really get angry at your wife (or husband)?” Here’s one possibility. How about waiting 60 seconds—yes, actually counting slowly to 60 (or even more)? If you can succeed in postponing your anger, you will be less likely to explode or to touch off an explosion. Also, think about this divine advice: “The beginning of contention is as one letting out waters; so before the quarrel has burst forth, take your leave.” No, that does not mean abandoning your mate. But when irritated, or even angry, have you tried excusing yourself and walking away for a while, into another room or around the block, to cool down? This is especially a good idea for a husband since his wife’s seeming unreasonableness, “crankiness” or loss of control may not be anything deliberate. Perhaps it is but a temporary manifestation of hormonal changes so that she has difficulty controlling her feelings.—Prov. 17:14; 19:11.

If, on the other hand, your mate is the one who gives vent to irritation or angry words, what can you do? There is wisdom in this: “An answer, when mild, turns away rage.” (Prov. 15:1) Might that not have helped in the case related by the boy on page 6? No, it is not easy to do. But how much better and more practical it is to give a mild answer than to respond indignantly in a way that can lead and perhaps already has led to family violence. Interestingly, after mentioning Dr. Straus’ finding that responding harshly led mates to more of the same, the article quoted earlier added: “Only gentle, thoughtful and loving words produced conciliatory replies.”

It Can Work!

The above Bible-based recommendations are not mere theory about solving home violence. They have worked in numerous cases. For example, Tom, in Cincinnati, Ohio, was a man with a violent temper. His story is:

“I had smashed my fist through the wall in anger so many times that I finally marked where the studs in the wall were so that I wouldn’t hurt my hand again.” On weekends he often would get drunk. Once, after he and his wife had a particularly bad drunken fight, he decided to see if God would help. For a while he went to the Methodist church regularly. Then, after he prayed earnestly one day, two of Jehovah’s Witnesses approached him as he worked outside the house. Over a period of time he studied the Bible with them and sought to apply it. His wife sometimes mocked him and even tore up his Bible literature. But he did not respond with rage and violence. He explains: “The truth really made great changes in me. I NEVER would have remained so calm and continued to be so kind to my wife.”

Other Steps

Working with God’s counsel about anger is a positive step in overcoming the home-violence problem. But there are other steps.

We have noted in Tom’s case and in other cases that alcohol is often involved. Even if drinking does not cause one to get violent, it may set the stage. It may, as it were, warm up the wood so that the first spark causes a raging fire.

If your home has been jarred by family violence, think whether alcohol was sometimes involved. The Bible does not condemn moderate use of alcohol. But it does warn: “Wine is a ridiculer, intoxicating liquor is boisterous, and everyone going astray by it is not wise.” (Prov. 20:1; Ps. 104:15; Eph. 5:18) If drinking led someone in the family to go astray into violence, then something could—yes, should—be done about that. Out of loving interest in preserving the family and avoiding physical harm or murder, it might be mutually decided that an absolute limit will be set on when and how much one drinks. And if future experience or any ‘close call’ proves that the limit is set too high, lower it. In some cases, it may even be necessary to renounce alcohol altogether. But is that not better than being sucked further into the whirlpool of home violence?

Not Combat, but Communication

As we discussed earlier, frustration, jealousy and insecurity are often behind home violence. What can be done about them? One of the best remedies is better communication. “Most married couples,” concluded one social scientist, “don’t listen to each other, and many get into fights as a result.”

All of us face some frustration. Consider: A man dreamed of being a sailor and seeing the world, but he got married and has elderly parents needing his support. Thus he works in a shoelace factory, limited to one spot, assailed by noise and pestered by a proud foreman. Do you think that he will never come home frustrated? His wife had imagined raising three lovely children on a peaceful farm. Yet she has not been able to conceive children and now must live in a city to be near the elderly relatives. Will she be unacquainted with frustration?—Gen. 30:1; 1 Sam. 1:4-11.

However, if husband and wife develop a pattern of communication about their activities and feelings, it is unlikely that frustrations common to imperfect life in this system will build to the point of a violent explosion. When, for example, they have quietly discussed the fact that his work, though difficult, helps them fulfill God’s will about providing for the family, this will temper his frustration. (1 Tim. 5:8) They can draw comfort from having each other and knowing of the good they are doing for the elderly parents. Also, perhaps they will plan for a vacation at the shore, go fishing together or investigate getting another job. Equally important is the husband’s reassuring his wife of his love and that he appreciates her feelings and sacrifice. That will help to dissipate her frustration. It is even more effective if he has his arms around her when he says it.

Communication will also be of value at the moment when a fight could easily begin. For instance, this wife senses as soon as he comes home that her husband is cross or unusually tense. Understanding his circumstances through past communication, she may be able to use compassionate, calming words. Rather than a “bomb,” she provides soothing relief. She could kindly ask, ‘Was the foreman unreasonable today?’ or, ‘Was the traffic bad?’ On the other hand, most husbands have much room for improving their sensitivity to their wife’s moods and emotions so as to say and do the right thing at the right time.—Compare Proverbs 25:11.

Contributing to home violence is the tendency to focus on our own feelings. (Phil. 2:4) A wife expects her husband to notice and to comment on her new hairdo without her mentioning it. But when he comes home it is almost as if he thinks she miraculously should know about the traffic jam. Those could be the ingredients for a family fight leading to violence. Yet, more openness at the moment will help. He says, ‘It’s a relief to get home after a day like today,’ or she says, ‘I was able to get a haircut and permanent today.’ Rather than waiting for the other mate to bring up your feelings, you do it. Such revealing, opening comments can lead to talk that prevents violence.

Family finances also need to be discussed. Set aside time to do this rather than letting them be a source of resentment or tension. One investigator found that “28 per cent of the wife beatings were connected to money problems.” Especially do many violent fights arise when a wife again and again indicates to her husband that he isn’t able to keep her on a financial par with neighbors or does not enable her to buy the things she wants. This tends to make the husband feel inferior, to feel that he is inadequate as a breadwinner. A fine groundwork for a family’s discussing their income and economic plans is the inspired counsel at 1 Timothy 6:6-10, 17-19 and Matthew 6:24-34. After reading those verses out loud together, the couple could proceed to consider in all of its details the question of buying new furniture, clothing or other items.

Periods of calm communication are also the best time to bring up feelings such as jealousy, be it jealousy over another man or woman, over attention to a relative or even a husband’s job. The study we mentioned earlier found that “35 per cent [of wife-beatings] were connected to jealousy.” Proverbs 6:34 and its context show that, when there is a real basis for jealousy, rage and a desire for vengeance are common. But those same feelings, with accompanying violence in the family, can result even from jealousy that has little or no basis. So instead of letting jealousy build up like a head of steam in a boiler until there is a violent explosion, it is better quietly (not accusingly) to mention one’s feelings during a calm discussion between husband and wife. It may require real effort to keep the discussion calm, but if by means of it progress is made toward mutual understanding of the feelings, it will be a giant step toward avoiding violence.—Prov. 14:30; 27:4.

If you have had difficulty discussing family matters and your feelings with your husband or wife and violence has occurred, consider getting help from a mature, balanced person who can be present as a neutral but interested party. Sociologist John E. O’Brien, who conducted a study on “Violence in Divorce-Prone Families,” observes:

“Early on, when these anxious feelings arise, it’s best to bring them up and discuss them. If it’s not possible for the spouses to open up on their own, they have to find an intermediary.”

When asked to do so, ministers of Jehovah’s Witnesses have often been able to provide help for Bible students and even for members of the congregation experiencing marital problems. At the husband and wife’s request, a Christian minister may be able to aid the couple to discuss their feelings or problems calmly and to weigh them in the light of the Bible, which is beneficial “for setting things straight.”—2 Tim. 3:16, 17.

Why the Bible?

You likely have observed that much of the best and most practical counsel for coping with or preventing home violence has come from God’s Word. That is to be expected, for its Author is the Originator of family life and has been watching both violent and peaceful homes throughout human history. He has put in the Scriptures counsel that can best meet the rising problem of home violence.

For instance, the Bible repeatedly stresses that man and wife are to see themselves as “one flesh.” (Gen. 2:24; Mark 10:8; Eph. 5:31) If a couple absorb the real spirit of what God is there saying, it is unlikely that violence will erupt in their home. Ephesians 5:28, 29 elaborates, stating: “He who loves his wife loves himself, for no man ever hated his own flesh; but he feeds and cherishes it.” Can you not appreciate the truthfulness of that? Have you ever gotten so enraged at your hand that you used a pot or hammer to beat it or so angry at your neck that you choked yourself?

Also, do we not learn about and accommodate our body’s weaknesses or peculiarities, such as poor hearing? Such accommodation belongs in marriage, too. Yet, underlying many family battles is the idea, ‘Why aren’t you more like me? Why don’t you see things my way or do them as I would?’ Naturally, the idea may not be expressed in just those words. Maybe it takes this form: ‘Why didn’t you clean the table before sitting down in front of the TV?’ or ‘Why do you leave your dirty socks in your shoes instead of putting them with the wash?’ The underlying idea is the same. But a husband or a wife who has God’s view about mates’ being one flesh more readily accepts the other person as an individual with his or her own peculiarities or weaknesses that must lovingly be compensated for while he works for improvement. Wisely the Bible states: “The insight of a man certainly slows down his anger, and it is beauty on his part to pass over transgression.”—Prov. 19:11.

A couple who accept and follow the Bible also will join together in prayer regularly. (1 Pet. 4:7) Think how strengthening it is for husband and wife to be physically and emotionally close as they humbly pray to God for help and mercy. Interestingly, regarding home violence, New York psychologist S. Didato wrote:

“I often tell couples on their wedding night to pray. If they get into this habit, I believe, it is much harder for them to commit violence.”

Prayer, along with applying Bible principles, came to be part of Zoila and David’s life. The story of Zoila, a native of Peru, is:

“Our marriage was a complete disaster. David would leave me and go out every night, spending all his money and often leaving me without even the necessities of life. He frequently beat me, giving me black eyes and a broken finger even when I was pregnant. I had to protect my abdomen in fear of our unborn baby getting hurt.” In time David’s aunt, one of Jehovah’s Witnesses, visited them and started a Bible study. David came to see the wrongness of his past, even crying over it and the realization that if he did not change he could not expect Jehovah’s favor when God removes the wicked from the earth. By applying the Bible, they made changes in their personalities and ways. Now home violence is a thing in their past.

So, even though news reports continue to stress the prevalence of home violence—wife-beating, husband-battering and child abuse—it is not necessarily an unsolvable or unavoidable problem. If you have been a victim of it, or even have shared in it, you can take steps in applying God’s perfect counsel so that with you, too, home violence can be a thing in the past.

[Footnotes]

[Blurb on page 14]

“As an adult, when you disagree with someone, you have to learn to control your emotions and to use language appropriate to grown-up individuals. If you resort to physical violence and beat each other up, if you scream and throw things, . . . you are behaving like a child. You are striking out in a blind, unreasoning way at something that infuriates you. You must not do this. Ultimately such behavior will only destroy you.”—“First Aid for the Happy Marriage,” by Dr. Rebecca Liswood.

[Blurb on page 18]

“Anxious care in the heart of a man is what will cause it to bow down, but the good word is what makes it rejoice.”—Prov. 12:25.

[Blurb on page 18]

“An enraged man stirs up contention, but one that is slow to anger quiets down quarreling.”—Prov. 15:18.