Teenage Marriage​—Pleasure or Pain?

IT WAS a beautiful wedding. The handsome groom looked so mature for his 19 years, and his 18-year-old bride just beamed in her gorgeous pink-trimmed white gown. Don and Maureen were a “perfect match”​—he, the football team captain, and she, chief cheerleader. In a small chapel they exchanged vows, surrounded by her parents and many of their close friends.

Maureen thus joined the ranks of nearly half a million teenage brides who wed each year in the United States alone. Like the others, she hoped for marital bliss. “But deep inside I was scared,” revealed Maureen. “Though this was supposed to be the most beautiful day of my life, I felt uneasy, wondering if I’d really be happy.” Why such apprehension?

Why Wed So Young?

Maureen was pregnant. She and Don had dated each other since she was 16 and gradually they became more intimate in their expressions of affection. “We had talked about getting married, but sometime in the future. I wanted to further my education and he was just starting into college sports,” stated Maureen. “But we were in a small town and my parents had a lot of friends, so for their sake we thought it was best for us to get married. And we both loved each other dearly.”

Yes, an illegitimate pregnancy often pushes many teens into marriage. A young expectant mother’s fear of rearing a child without a husband can be terrifying. However, Dr. F. F. Furstenberg, after his 1976 study of over 400 teenage mothers, concluded: “It hardly matters whether the mother marries. In time, she may be almost as likely as the unwed mother to bear the major, if not the sole, responsibility for supporting her child.” So to marry simply to legitimize premarital pregnancy is a shaky foundation for marriage.

Though from one third to one half of all teenage marriages involve a premarital pregnancy, this certainly is not the only reason for young marriages. The desire to marry is natural. Marriage is a gift from our Creator who implanted this desire within us. Nor is a young marriage necessarily wrong. Even today, in some places, teenage marriages are common. In such areas, however, the close support of the family and a more relaxed or stable community environment often help the couple to adjust.

Nevertheless, many who marry young do so to escape a bad situation at home. But is marriage a cure-all? Vicky, who married as a teenager, had a painful homelife. She admitted: “Communication was my problem at home. It was also my husband’s problem with his family. Now that we’re married, what do you think is our problem? Communication!” However, this teenage couple worked to overcome this problem. Improvement was painfully slow. Yet they strove to follow Bible standards and preserved their marriage.

Some others wed young to slip away from an unhappy school or community situation. Many youths head for the altar because they want the status of appearing grown up, while others want to imitate their newly wedded friends. Glamorous images of marriage, as well as sexually stimulating material, pour forth from today’s TV/​movie screens and literature. For many, marriage seems a way to satisfy those romantic fantasies.

Over and above these reasons, Dr. Lee Burchinal, a leading authority in the field of youthful marriages, pointed to what is considered a major cause. He noted a study that found that girls who married as teenagers “had started dating younger, . . . gone steady more often, been ‘in love’ more frequently, dated more frequently at younger ages.”

This proved true in Maureen’s case. “I started going with boys when I was 14 and had a steady boyfriend at 15,” she admitted. “I also had a lot of problems at home. My mother and I couldn’t get along at all. I couldn’t stand her telling me what to do, so when I turned 18 I moved out and lived with two other girls. Finally, I broke the news to Mom that Don and I were getting married. But I’ll never forget what happened after a one-day honeymoon.”

“I Was Miserable”

“It seemed that I changed overnight,” revealed Maureen. “I was angry with Don that I was pregnant. I didn’t want a baby and I felt trapped. I kept thinking, ‘You did this to me! You got me to go against my conscience. I knew it was wrong!’ I started losing respect and love for him right from the start.” Though Don tried to be kind and considerate, he was nevertheless saddled with the task of trying to please a resentful, short-tempered wife, hold down a job and fight off his own burning desire to participate in sports. The pressure got to him and he relieved it by drinking and leaving the house for hours​—and eventually days—​at a time.

“I kept nagging him and was constantly hurting him by yelling and screaming,” admitted Maureen. “But I was miserable. I felt so guilty over what we did before marriage. Then, when the baby arrived, things just got worse. Everything Don did irritated me​—even the way he smacked his lips when we ate. Finally, we both couldn’t take it anymore.” Maureen and Don became a painful statistic​—divorced after one year and nine months. Though extreme, their situation is not rare.

“One Unchallenged Bit of Information”

Marcia Lasswell has done considerable research in the field of marriage. In 1974, as professor of Behavioral Science at California State University, she wrote: “If there is one unchallenged bit of information we have concerning whether or not a marriage will last, it is that those who are very young when they marry have three strikes against them.” The charts at the left show the results of over 19,000,000 first marriages consummated between 1950 and 1970. By 1975 many of these had already broken up. Which were the most unstable? Look at the proportion of divorces and separations based on the age at the first marriage. A man who married as a teenager was more than twice as likely to divorce or separate as one who waited till 25 to marry. A teenage woman was three times more likely to do so!

[Charts]

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RESULTS OF ALL FIRST MARRIAGES IN THE UNITED STATES 1950-70

As of June 1975

WOMEN

100

90

80

70 14-19

60

50

40

20-24

30

25-29

20 30+

10

0

RESULTS OF ALL FIRST MARRIAGES IN THE UNITED STATES 1950-70

As of June 1975

MEN

100

90

80

70

60

50

14-19

40

30

20-24

20

25-29

30+

10

0

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Source: Current Population Survey, June 1975,

Divorce and separation are not the only indicators of an unhappy marriage. The charts in the right column of the next page represent the results of in-depth interviews with over 80 couples. One half of these wed when one of the spouses was under 19 years of age and still attending high school, whereas the others married between the ages of 21 and 26. They were asked: ‘If you could live your life over again, would you postpone marriage?’ and ‘Did you feel not prepared for what marriage brought?’ Which group had more individuals who wished that they had waited? Other investigations have found that from one third to over one half of young husbands and wives reported that they regretted marrying when they did!

[Charts]

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WOULD YOU HAVE POSTPONED YOUR MARRIAGE?

100

90

80

70

60

50

40

Wife

Husb.

30

20

10

Husb.

Wife

0

DID YOU FEEL NOT PREPARED FOR WHAT MARRIAGE BROUGHT?

100

90

80

70

60

50

40

Wife

30

Husb.

20

10

Husb.

Wife

0

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Source: Social and Psychological Factors Associated with High School Marriages, by Rachel M. Inselberg.

But what if you are already in a teenage marriage? Does this mean it is doomed? Not at all! In fact, knowledge of the dangers of early marriage may have just the reverse effect. Many teens work that much harder to make their marriage successful, viewing the handicap as a challenge. And when they sincerely pray to the Author of marriage for help they can be assured of ‘power beyond normal’ to aid them. This is what Vicky and Mark found.​—2 Corinthians 4:7.

Yes, there are exceptions to teenage marriages’ bringing only pain. James and Ann, for example, married as teenagers. But, after 11 years of successful marriage, when asked if they would take the same course again, James straightforwardly replied, “I most certainly would! I have no reservations about our marriage.” Ann, his bride at 18, added: “Though we’ve had problems just like any other couple, we’ve always been able to sit down and talk things out.”

What made the difference between James and Ann’s marriage and that of Maureen and Don? Why can a youthful marriage bring pain to some and pleasure to others? The following article will provide answers.

[Blurb on page 13]

“Those who are very young when they marry have three strikes against them.” Does this family counselor know something you should know?

Young People Ask . . .

How Wise Is a Teenage Marriage?

MARRIAGE is not a game. “A man will leave his father and his mother and he must stick to his wife and they must become one flesh,” according to the Bible. A husband and wife are to forge a permanent bond, closer than with any other human.​—Genesis 2:24.

Is that how you view marriage? If so, then you can see the wisdom of ‘looking before you leap,’ for your marriage mate could be someone you will stick to​—or be stuck with—​for the rest of your life! Is teenage marriage for you? As we have learned, many such marriages brought pain rather than pleasure. What makes the difference?

What Do You Expect?

“We had a very poor idea of what marriage was,” explained one teenage girl in the Midwestern United States. “We thought we could come and go, do as we pleased, do or not do the dishes, but it isn’t that way.” There are not only dirty dishes to wash but also clothes and a house to keep clean. Sickness, with accompanying doctor bills, can be devastating. “Many teenagers get married to play house. Oh, it looks like such fun! You think of a child as a little doll, something that is so cute and that you can just play with, but that’s not the way it is,” confessed Vicky, who married as a teenager and gave birth to her first child at 20. A 16-year-old mother described the agony of being “stuck in the house” with a child that “cried for five months straight.” She said: “I thought I’d lose my mind.”

Even more difficult is trying to become “one flesh” with a different personality (which may even change from day to day) and trying to provide for the needs of that one’s heart. At times this seems impossible! “Those who [marry] will have tribulation in their flesh,” stated the apostle Paul. How true! Yes, “tribulation,” or “pain and grief.”​—1 Corinthians 7:28; The New English Bible.

Though “tribulation in the flesh” puts a strain on every marriage, the inexperience of most teenagers and often their unrealistic expectations make their marriages especially vulnerable. While not all youthful marriages crumble under such pressures, those that succeed must hurdle the greatest obstacle to successful teenage marriage​—immaturity.

“We Grew Up”​—And Apart

Nine-year-old Raymond knows the qualities of a good wife. “First she has to like pizza. Then she has to like cheese cake. After that she has to like fudge candy,” he said. “Then I know our marriage will last forever.” Obviously, his concepts are subject to change! “When I was a babe, I used to speak as a babe, to think as a babe, to reason as a babe,” wrote the apostle Paul. “But now that I have become a man, I have done away with the traits of a babe.”​—1 Corinthians 13:11.

But have all teens put away “the traits of a babe” when it comes to choosing a mate? Maureen, mentioned in the previous article, recalls: “I was in love with Don. He was so handsome, so strong, such a good athlete and very popular. I thought, ‘Boy, if I get him I’m really going to have a catch.’ His looks and his status as a football star were what were important to me then. Our marriage had to work.” But it collapsed within two years.

It was after her marriage that Maureen grew up emotionally. She developed totally different needs and values. “Suddenly, we realized that our life goals were miles apart,” explained Maureen. “We grew up. I now realized that I needed someone I could relate to intellectually. But Don’s whole life was sports. The things that I thought were so important at 18 suddenly meant nothing to me.” With time and patience persons can grow and yet still learn to love and care for their marriage mate. Yet how much anguish could be avoided by postponing marriage and working first to put away fully “the traits of a babe,” becoming “full-grown in powers of understanding.” This will also help you to overcome a major complaint of youthful couples.​—1 Corinthians 14:20.

Money Problems

The most intense problem of 48 teenage couples who were interviewed after three months of marriage was “spending family income”​—more difficult even than child training and in-law problems. After nearly three years, 37 of these couples were asked the same question. Money problems again​—and their anguish was even worse!

“What fun can you get out of life,” asked Bill, “when you never have enough money to buy the things you need to make you content? Sure, money isn’t everything, but when you don’t have enough to last from one payday to another, it can start lots of fights and unhappiness.” Teenagers often have the highest rate of unemployment and the lowest wages. “Because I couldn’t provide for my family, we had to live with my parents,” admitted Roy, who married at 18. “This created real tension, especially since we had a child as well.”

“Prepare your work out of doors, and make it ready for yourself in the field,” recommends the Bible. “Afterward you must also build up your household.” (Proverbs 24:27) In Bible times men worked the fields to provide for the needs of their family. They were to prepare the ground with crops and raise livestock so as to support themselves and a family, and then, after such preparations, ‘build up a household,’ or marry and have children. Would not such similar preparation today eliminate much heartache after marriage?

Installment Debts

However, whether a couple has enough money is often not so much a matter of paycheck size as it is of their values, ideals and expectations. One study revealed that “teenagers expected to be able to purchase immediately for their projected family units many of the items that probably had taken their parents years to acquire.” To get these, many plunged into debt after marriage. In 1977, 65 percent of family heads under 25 years of age in the United States were saddled with installment debts. These payments consumed over 20 percent of the annual income of one out of six of these​—a greater proportion than any other age group and over twice the national average. Many teenage newlyweds still struggle with heavy financial debts.

“Buying everything new and paying off installment bills would have wrecked us,” stated James. As mentioned in the previous article, he and Ann have had a successful marriage though they married as teenagers. “But we didn’t buy anything new. Much of our furniture was hand-me-downs from some of our friends and our parents. Though nothing we had was really, really nice, it was adequate. In time we bought some new items by saving for them.” Ann, reared by moderately wealthy parents, found that “always scrimping and saving” was a real adjustment.

“But I determined,” confessed Ann, “that I was not going to force my husband into debt or cause him to work more to have new things as I had seen some of my girl friends do to their husbands. I had been taught by my mom to sew and she gave us a sewing machine. I made most of James’ clothing. We found that we could concentrate on the important things, especially our worship, which drew us close together.” Yes, this young couple had the maturity to be content with “sustenance and covering” and had put away “the traits of a babe,” not thinking that happiness comes from material things.​—1 Timothy 6:8-10.

‘I Have Tribulation Now!’

“I knew that having sex before marriage was wrong, so my primary reason for getting married was for sex, though I would never have admitted this to anyone,” confessed Roy, who married at 18. Some teenagers seeking marriage may even point to 1 Corinthians 7:9, which reads: “If they do not have self-control, let them marry, for it is better to marry than to be inflamed with passion.” But in 1Co 7 verse 36 the apostle Paul recommends marriage when one has passed “the bloom of youth.”

During the teenage years the sexual desires bloom and become very strong. However, after this initial surge the sexual desires subside, just as a flower that reaches full bloom will begin to wilt. If you marry during “the bloom of youth,” it can distort your reasons for marriage and blind you to certain negative qualities in a prospective mate. For instance, Roy, whose marriage ended in divorce in three years, added: “After I got married I found out that the great thrill of sex wears off very soon and then we started having some real problems.”

The previously mentioned study of 48 teenage couples found that, after financial problems, most arguments were over sex relations. Marriage certainly did not solve all problems. Satisfying sexual relations within marriage are the result of unselfish consideration by persons who have developed self-control. Therefore, by learning to control your desires and showing unselfishness in your life as a single person, you will be preparing for a happy marriage.​—1 Corinthians 7:3, 4.

So, is a teenage marriage a wise decision? If you are considering it, look at the charts on pages 14, 15. Based on numerous case histories, it shows what your chances could be for marital satisfaction.

Marriage is a decision you may have to live with the rest of your life. Certainly a teenage marriage is no crime. But how much wiser to test the strength of your love by waiting and being sure that you have developed the inner resources needed to cope with marriage.

[Chart on page 19]

Forecast of Marital Satisfaction

Characteristic Poorest Intermediate Best

Based partially on Trends and Prospects for Young Marriages in the United States, by Lee G. Burchinal.