4. (a) In what ways do children suffer when their parents divorce? (b) How can a parent help the child?

⁴ Even if the divorce brings relief from abuse, a child’s whole world sometimes seems to fall apart. Hence, it is necessary for a believing parent to show out-of-the-ordinary love and understanding in handling the situation. “I was always in the middle. I felt divided,” explained a youth whose Christian father obtained a Scriptural divorce when the boy was five. “I kept my true feelings to myself. This caused bouts of depression.” Helping a child deal with such intense emotions requires that a parent have “fellow feeling” and be “tenderly compassionate.” (1 Peter 3:8) The child may be silent out of guilt, feeling that he is in some way to blame for the divorce. A parent needs patiently to explain that he loves the child and that the divorce is not the child’s fault.

5. Why should a Christian parent endeavor to end hostilities with the ex-mate?

⁵ Bitterness between parents can become intense, especially so when religious issues are involved. Yet, rather than “paying back injury for injury or reviling for reviling,” the believing parent should consider the welfare of the child. (1 Peter 3:9) In her book Growing Up Divorced, Linda Francke states: “Parents who are hostile to each other make these children’s problems far more difficult and even destructive. Not wanting to risk alienating either parent, the child can withdraw from positive relationships with both parents.” Yes, “bitter jealousy and contentiousness” are not only wrong but can even estrange the child from you. (James 3:14, 16) Thoughtless verbal attacks against an unbelieving parent can deeply hurt a child. (Proverbs 12:18) If an unbelieving ex-mate wishes to continue the conflict, “as far as it depends upon you [the believer], be peaceable with all men.”​—Romans 12:18-21.

Protect Your Child’s Heart

6. After custody is determined, what can be a problem with some parents?

⁶ After custody is determined, there may still be difficulties to contend with. “One of the major problems,” states a report from the Watch Tower Society’s branch in Australia, “is that the parent who has gained custody of the child tends to relax . . . Even a parent in the truth can lose sight of the basic reason he or she wanted custody of the children. The primary reason should be to bring them up as true worshipers of Jehovah.” To do so requires constant effort.​—Ephesians 6:4.

7. (a) Why should a child be taught to respect the unbelieving parent? (b) How can you reason with a child if the unbeliever engages in unchristian conduct?

⁷ Of course, a law court often grants visitation rights to the parent who no longer has custody of the child. Can these be respected while still protecting the child’s heart? Yes, and as appropriate, the child should show due respect to an unbelieving parent. If during the visit the unbeliever engages in unchristian conduct, rather than build hatred by condemning that parent, the believer can explain to the child that God has set standards of conduct in the Bible and that “each of us will render an account for himself to God,” the final Judge. (Romans 14:12) Yet, make clear that such conduct is not to be imitated. Discreetly show that though some people do not live by these standards, in time many change because of seeing a Christian example in the child and the ex-mate. In this way, it may be possible for the child to have a measure of respect for that parent. A divorced couple’s differences about religion should not prevent a parent from affecting the child in a positive way. The Christian parent will “let [his or her] reasonableness become known to all men.” (Philippians 4:5) What, though, if the unbeliever tries to undermine godly training?

8. How did two parents prepare their children for visits to opposing ex-mates?

⁸ Preparation for the visits is the key! One Christian mother whose ex-husband became an apostate reported: “Before the visit, I would study with the children about how their conduct would be regarded by Jehovah. We would act out situations. I would say: ‘If your father says this or that, how will you answer?’” Another Christian who was divorced because she became a Witness adds: “Before [my two teenagers] leave for their weekend visit with their father, we say a prayer asking Jehovah to be with them and to help them to witness to their dad, especially by their fine conduct.”

9. How can Christian parents imitate the example of Moses’ mother?

⁹ An unbelieving parent with visitation rights may try to woo the child with lavish gifts, expensive entertainment, and other recreational pleasures. Jochebed, the mother of Moses, (and Amram if he was still living) knew what would face Moses when he was turned over to Pharaoh’s daughter. So she no doubt applied herself in shaping his sense of values while he was still with her. (Exodus 2:1-10) Despite facing the tempting “treasures of Egypt,” Moses made his own choice to follow godly principles. He “esteemed” his spiritual privileges as real riches! (Hebrews 11:23-26) Christian parents should similarly prepare their children to meet such temptations by discussing Scriptural material that focuses on spiritual treasures.b Children often see through the shallow motive of a parent who would attempt to buy their affection.​—Proverbs 15:16, 17.

10. In an extreme situation, what are some factors for a parent to consider?

¹⁰ In some extreme cases, such visits may pose a serious threat to the child. A parent would have to decide what to do under the circumstances, prayerfully evaluating the severity of the threat, the legal recourse available, and the possible consequences of refusing to honor visitation rights.c Avoid rash actions that could put into question your fitness as a parent.​—Galatians 6:5; Romans 13:1; Acts 5:29; 1 Peter 2:19, 20.

Use “Practical Wisdom”

11. When a Christian parent loses custody, what must he or she recognize?

¹¹ What if it is the Christian parent who has only visitation rights? When the child is no longer in the Christian home, that parent has limited spiritual control over the child. (1 Corinthians 7:14) For instance, the faithful patriarch Abraham would likely have insisted that his son Ishmael, like Isaac, marry a fellow worshiper. But after Ishmael, still a teenager, and his mother Hagar were dismissed from the household, Abraham was unable to prevent Hagar from arranging for Ishmael to marry an Egyptian who evidently was not a worshiper of Jehovah.​—Genesis 21:14, 21; 24:1-4.

12. (a) What positive effort may a noncustodial Christian parent make? (b) Illustrate how a Christian parent can ‘use wisdom to success.’

¹² Despite what might be limited opportunities, a noncustodial Christian parent can do much to instill in the child a deep love for Jehovah. To do so, the parent must “safeguard practical wisdom and thinking ability.” (Proverbs 3:21) Yes, more than intensity of effort is needed. “If an iron tool has become blunt and someone has not whetted its edge, then he will exert his own vital energies [with little results]. So the using of wisdom to success means advantage.” (Ecclesiastes 10:10) For instance, on occasion the unbeliever may make excuses to prevent access to the child. Rather than make an immediate issue of this, a parent may get better results by applying Proverbs 25:15: “By patience a commander is induced, and a mild tongue itself can break a bone.” Patience and mildness, though not easy to show when one is faced with unjust restrictions, can soften even one who is as hard in his opposition as a bone. (Compare 2 Timothy 2:23-25.) Arguments can often be avoided by your being punctual and following suggestions (not in conflict with the Scriptures) that are given by the custodial parent regarding the child’s care. If you are concerned that the unbeliever is making derogatory remarks about you to the child, remember 1 Peter 2:15: “By doing good you may muzzle the ignorant talk of the unreasonable men [and women].” If you set a good example, the child will see who is right.​—Proverbs 20:7.

13. How can a believing parent make a visit truly beneficial?

¹³ During the visits, endeavor to put the Word of God into the child’s heart by, whenever possible, personally studying spiritual material with him and by taking him to congregation meetings. Even if there are stringent legal restrictions, the parent can informally refer to God’s creative works, and in other ways help the child to love God. (Romans 1:19, 20; Matthew 6:28-30) Jesus recognized the limitations of his listeners. He “would speak the word to them, as far as they were able to listen.” (Mark 4:33, 34) So in addition to discussing serious spiritual matters, engage in other upbuilding activities, such as visiting with good friends, including some who are of the child’s age. (Proverbs 13:20) Enjoy wholesome recreation together. Make the visit a precious occasion. Reasonable discipline shows love. (Proverbs 13:24)

17. How can parents in disrupted families help their children, with what possible reward?

¹⁷ So if you are a parent in a disrupted family, be sensitive to your child’s feelings. Fortify that one’s heart with God’s Word. If you only have visitation rights, then exercise “practical wisdom” as you use these to the full. Have confidence in the power of God’s Word planted in a receptive heart. (1 Thessalonians 2:13) Seeing a child come to love Jehovah is well worth all the effort.