Absent Fathers​—A Growing Problem

FATHERS are abandoning their families in increasing numbers. In the late 1990’s, the newspaper USA Today called the United States “the world leader in families without fathers.” However, the absence of fathers is a worldwide problem.

In Brazil a 2000 census report revealed that the number of families headed by women was 11.2 million out of a total of 44.7 million. In Nicaragua, 25 percent of children lived with their mothers only. In Costa Rica the number of children not recognized by their own fathers rose during the 1990’s from 21.1 percent to 30.4 percent.

The statistics from these three countries are just a sampling of the worldwide trend. Consider another aspect of the problem of absent fathers.

Present but Not Available

Please see the box “Daddy, When Will You Come Again?” Nao, now 23 years of age, confesses: “Before I started elementary school, I rarely saw Father. Once as he was leaving, I begged him, ‘Come back, won’t you?’”

Family relationships such as that of Nao with her father are what moved the Polish writer Piotr Szczukiewicz to say: “The father seems to be an important missing factor in the family.” True, many fathers live with their families and provide them economic support. Yet, as the French magazine Capital put it, “too many fathers content themselves with being food suppliers, without being educators.”

Often, the situation is that the father is in the family but is not involved in the lives of his children. His attention is focused elsewhere. “Even if [the father] is physically present,” notes the French magazine Famille chrétienne, “he can be absent psychologically.” Why are so many fathers today mentally and emotionally absent from their families?

As the above journal explains, a basic reason is that “he fails to understand the role of a father or husband.” According to the view of many fathers, the role of a good father is simply to bring home a decent wage. As Polish writer Józef Augustyn stated, “many fathers think they are good parents because they provide money for the family.” But doing that is only part of a father’s responsibility.

The fact is, children don’t judge their father’s worth by the amount of money he makes or the monetary value of gifts he may give them. Rather, what children really want​—far more than material gifts—​is their father’s love, time, and attention. These are what truly matter to them.

Need for Reexamination

According to a report by the Japanese Central Council for Education, “fathers should re-examine their lifestyle, which is excessively devoted to work.” The question is, Will a father make an adjustment for the sake of his children? The German newspaper Gießener Allgemeine reported a study in which most fathers interviewed refused to put their children ahead of their career.

Young ones can be deeply hurt by what may appear to be their father’s lack of concern for them. Lidia, now aged 21, has vivid memories of what her father was like when she was a young girl in Poland. She explains: “He never talked to us. We lived in different worlds. He didn’t know I spent my leisure time in discos.” Similarly, Macarena, a 21-year-old from Spain, says that when she was a child, her father “went off on weekends with his friends to enjoy himself, and several times he disappeared for some days.”

Establishing Proper Priorities

Most fathers may realize that they give too little time and attention to their children. A Japanese father of a teenage son said: “I am hoping that my child will understand my situation. I am always thinking of him, even when I am busy.” Yet, will merely wishing that a child will understand his father’s absence solve the problem?

There is no doubt about it, real effort​—yes, sacrifice—​is necessary to satisfy a child’s needs. Clearly, providing children with what they need most​—namely, love, time, and attention—​is not easy. Jesus Christ said: “Man must live, not on bread [or, material food] alone.” (Matthew 4:4) It is also true that children cannot grow up successfully with only material things. As a father, are you willing to sacrifice what may be very precious to you​—your time or possibly even advancement in your career—​to be available for your children?

The Mainichi Daily News of February 10, 1986, told about a father who came to appreciate how important his children really were. It reported: “A top executive of the Japanese National Railways (JNR) chose resignation rather than separation from his family.” The newspaper then quoted the executive as saying: “The job of the director general can be taken by anybody. But I am the only father of my children.”

Indeed, a first step in becoming a good father is to recognize the kind of father children need. Let us examine what is involved in being that kind of father.

[Box on page 3]

“Daddy, When Will You Come Again?”

That was the question five-year-old Nao, a Japanese girl, asked her father as he was leaving for work one day. Although he lived at home, she rarely saw him. He routinely arrived from work after Nao was in bed and left for work before she awoke.

The Kind of Father Children Need

CHILDREN need a father who loves them, who is there for them, and who does whatever he can to help them grow into responsible, trustworthy adults. That children need this kind of father has not been given due recognition.

True, mothers deliver babies into the world, and the importance of being a good mother can hardly be overstated. But noting that the father plays an equally vital role, The Wilson Quarterly said: “The decline of fatherhood is a major force behind many of the most disturbing problems that plague American society”​—and, we might add, those of the rest of the world.

The Brazilian newspaper Jornal da Tarde reports on a study that concluded that many behavioral problems of youths​—such as aggressiveness, unruliness, poor performance in school, and apathy—​are often “the result of an absent father.” And the Italian book Gli imperfetti genitori (The Imperfect Parents), by Marcello Bernardi, emphasizes that to develop successfully, children ideally need two parents.

Family Life Can Be Improved

Even if a negligent father has contributed to problems in the family or has been largely responsible for them, it doesn’t mean matters cannot be corrected and family life improved. How? What does the father need to do?

Clearly, children need family structure, a sense that someone with their welfare in mind is in control. When that need isn’t met, as often occurs today, the lives of children are adversely affected. Yet, the situation is never hopeless, whether there is a father in the picture or not. “A father of fatherless boys,” the Bible says at Psalm 68:5, “is God in his holy dwelling.”a

How to Obtain Help

That God’s help is vital for success and that it can be obtained is evidenced by the situation described by Lidia, the girl from Poland mentioned in the preceding article. What was family life like in her home? How did the family receive God’s help?

Franciszek, Lidia’s father, admits that when his children were young, he neglected his family, just as his daughter reported. He says: “I didn’t care what our children were doing. I didn’t display affection, and there wasn’t any bond between us.” So he was unaware that when Lidia was 14, she and his younger son and daughter were already carousing, smoking, drinking, and getting into fights.

Finally, Franciszek came to realize the trouble his children were getting into, and he was shocked into doing something about it. “I prayed to God for help,” he says. Remarkably, soon afterward Jehovah’s Witnesses called at his home, and he and his wife agreed to study the Bible. In time, the parents started applying its teachings in their lives. What was the effect upon the children?

Franciszek explains: “They began to notice that I had quit drinking and was becoming a better father. They wanted to get to know Jehovah’s Witnesses better. They also began to study the Bible and quit their bad associations.” The son, Rafał, says of his father: “I came to love him as a friend.” He adds: “The street gang suddenly became unimportant. We were busy with spiritual activities.”

Franciszek is now a Christian elder in a congregation of Jehovah’s Witnesses, and he is still involved with his family and the spiritual growth of each one. His wife and Lidia are pioneers, full-time evangelizers. Rafał and his younger sister, Sylwia, share whole-souled in Bible study, in commenting at Christian meetings, and in sharing their faith with others.

He Practiced What He Taught

Consider, too, what happened with Luis, the father of Macarena. Recall that she is the 21-year-old girl in Spain who was quoted in the opening article. Luis’ way of life had been patterned after that of his own alcoholic father. As Macarena said, he would disappear with his friends for days at a time. Moreover, he treated his wife like a servant rather than an appreciated partner. Their marriage was at a breaking point, and Macarena and her younger siblings were traumatized.

In time, however, Luis agreed to study the Bible with Jehovah’s Witnesses. He explains: “I began to spend time with my wife and my children. We talked together, had meals together, and studied the Bible together. We also shared in doing household chores and in recreation.” Macarena says: “I started to feel the presence of a kind father who showed genuine interest in his family.”

Significantly, not only did Luis encourage his family to serve God but he practiced what he taught. He left “a thriving business enterprise,” Macarena explains, “because it took up too much time and he wanted to give more attention to family matters.” The effect was remarkable. “His example has taught me how to keep a simple eye and to put spiritual things in first place,” Macarena says. She now serves as a pioneer, and her mother and younger siblings are active members of the Christian congregation.

The Railway Executive’s Decision

Clearly, the kind of father children need is one who makes decisions with the welfare of his children in mind. The teenage son of Takeshi Tamura, the Japanese executive mentioned in the preceding article, had become involved with unsavory associates and appeared to be heading for real trouble. That was in 1986, the year that Takeshi decided to give up his responsible position with the Japanese National Railways. How does Takeshi feel about his decision now, more than 18 years later?

“It is perhaps the best decision I ever made,” he said recently. “Spending more time with my son and doing things together, including studying the Bible with him, had a remarkable effect. We became friends, and he cut off his bad associations and improper behavior.”

Takeshi’s wife had become one of Jehovah’s Witnesses a few years earlier, and it was her exemplary conduct that moved her husband to look into the Bible and become more involved with the family. Eventually he, his son, and his daughter all became Witnesses. Takeshi and his son now serve as elders in their respective congregations, and his wife and daughter are pioneers.

Fathers Need Help

Many fathers, despite realizing that they are neglecting their children, do not know what to do for them. The Spanish newspaper La Vanguardia carried the headline “42 Percent of [Spanish] Parents Admit That They Don’t Know How to Bring Up Their Teenage Children.” But the same can be said regarding the fathers of preteens as well as toddlers. Contrary to the thinking of many, these younger ones also need the presence and attention of a devoted father.

What more can be learned about how to become a good father? Who are the best examples for fathers, and what can be learned from them? Our concluding article will examine these questions.

[Footnote]

[Pictures on page 7]

Fathers who provided what their children needed

Franciszek and his family

Luis and his family

Takeshi and his family

How to Be a Good Father

AN ARTICLE in the Economist magazine about the deterioration of family life began with the arresting statement: “Making children is easy, making a good father is not.”

While many things in life are hard to do, one of the hardest​—as well as most important—​is to be a good father. Every father should want to be a good one, since the welfare and happiness of his family is at stake.

Why It Is Not Easy

Simply stated, a major reason why being a good father is not easy is inherited imperfection​—both of parents and of their children. “The inclination of the heart of man is bad from his youth up,” says the Bible. (Genesis 8:21) Thus, a Bible writer acknowledged: “In sin my mother conceived me.” (Psalm 51:5; Romans 5:12) The inclination to do bad because of inherited sin is only one obstacle that makes being a good father difficult.

This world, or system of things, is also a huge obstacle. Why so? Because, as the Bible explains, “the whole world is lying in the power of the wicked one,” who is identified as “the one called Devil and Satan.” The Bible also calls Satan “the god of this system of things.” No wonder Jesus said that like him, his followers should be “no part of the world”!​—1 John 5:19; Revelation 12:9; 2 Corinthians 4:4; John 17:16.

Vital to being a good father is constant awareness of our inherited imperfection, Satan the Devil, and this world under his control. These obstacles are not imaginary. They are real! But where can a man go to learn how to combat them and how to become a good father?

Divine Examples

For help in overcoming the obstacles mentioned above, a father can go to the Bible. Wonderful examples are provided there. Jesus identified the best one when he taught his followers to pray: “Our Father in the heavens.” Describing our heavenly Father, the Bible says simply: “God is love.” How should a human father respond to this loving example? “Become imitators of God,” the apostle Paul urged, “and go on walking in love.”​—Matthew 6:9, 10; 1 John 4:8; Ephesians 5:1, 2.

If you are a father, consider what you can learn from just one instance when God dealt with Jesus, his Son. Matthew 3:17 tells us that at Jesus’ water baptism, God’s voice was heard from heaven, saying: “This is my Son, the beloved, whom I have approved.” What can we learn from this?

First, think of the effect it has upon a child when a father proudly says to someone, ‘This is my son’ or ‘This is my daughter.’ Young ones thrive when receiving a parent’s attention, especially positive acknowledgment. A child will likely be moved to try harder to prove worthy of favorable recognition.

Second, God expressed how he felt about Jesus, referring to him as “the beloved.” That expression of endearment from his Father must have warmed Jesus’ heart. Your children too will be encouraged if you show by your words​—as well as by your time, attention, and concern—​that you dearly love them.

Third, God told his Son: “I have approved you.” (Mark 1:11) That too is a vital thing for a father to do, that is, tell his children that he is pleased with them. True, a child will often fall short. We all do. But as a father, are you looking for opportunities to express approval of the good things your children do or say?

Jesus learned well from his heavenly Father. While on earth, he demonstrated by word and example just how his Father feels about His earthly children. (John 14:9) Even when Jesus was busy and under stress, he took time to sit and talk with children. “Let the young children come to me,” he told his disciples, “do not try to stop them.” (Mark 10:14) Can you fathers follow the example of Jehovah God and his Son more fully?

Good Example Vital

The importance of setting a good example for your children cannot be overemphasized. Your efforts to “go on bringing them up in the discipline and mental-regulating of Jehovah” will likely have little effect if you yourself are not submitting to God’s discipline and allowing your life to be regulated by it. (Ephesians 6:4) Yet, with God’s help, you can overcome any obstacle to fulfilling his command to care for your children.

Consider the example of Viktor Gutschmidt, one of Jehovah’s Witnesses in the former Soviet Union. In October 1957, he was sentenced to ten years in prison for talking about his faith. He left behind two young daughters along with his wife, Polina. While in prison, he was allowed to write letters to his family but was forbidden to say anything about God or any religious subject. Even in the face of this hardship, Viktor was determined to be a good father, and he knew that teaching his children about God was vitally important. So what did he do?

“I found material in the Soviet magazines Young Naturalist and Nature,” Viktor relates. “On postcards I drew pictures of animals and people and included a story or an experience regarding nature.”

“As soon as we received these postcards,” Polina says, “we immediately connected them with Bible subjects. For instance, when they included the beauty of nature, forests, or rivers, I read Isaiah chapter 65,” which tells about God’s promises to make the earth a paradise.

Viktor’s daughter Yulia relates: “Mama would then pray with us, and we would cry. These cards played a big role in our upbringing.” Polina says that as a result, “the girls loved God very much from childhood.” What is the situation with the family now?

Viktor explains, “Now my daughters are both married to Christian elders, and both of them have spiritually strong families with children who are faithfully serving Jehovah.”

Setting a good example often requires not only ingenuity but also great effort. The hearts of children will likely be touched when they see their father really trying. A son who spent many years in the full-time ministry said appreciatively of his father, “Sometimes Dad would be so tired from work he could hardly keep awake, but we would have our Bible study regardless, and this helped us to appreciate the seriousness of it.”

Clearly, setting a fine example​—in both word and deed—​is vital to being a good father. You need to do so if you want to realize the truth of the Bible proverb that says: “Train up a boy according to the way for him; even when he grows old he will not turn aside from it.”​—Proverbs 22:6.

So, remember, it is not only what you say that matters; it is particularly what you do​—the example you set. A Canadian expert in early-childhood education wrote: “The best way to get our children to behave [as we would like] is to demonstrate the desired behaviour ourselves.” Indeed, if you want your children to value spiritual matters, it is essential that you do so yourself.

Find Time for Them!

Your children must see your good example. That means you need to spend time with them​—lots of it, not just snatches here and there. Wisely heed the Bible advice to ‘buy out time,’ that is, forgo less important things in order to be with them. (Ephesians 5:15, 16) Really, what is more important than your children? A large-screen TV, a professional set of golf clubs, a beautiful house, your job?

There is a familiar saying, ‘Pay now, or pay later.’ Fathers whose children have been lost to immoral activity or even to a life-style devoid of spirituality often feel deep remorse. They lament that they failed to be with their little ones more often when they really needed a father.

Remember, when your children are young is the time to think about the consequences of your choices. The Bible calls your children “an inheritance from Jehovah,” something that God himself has entrusted to you. (Psalm 127:3) So never forget that you are answerable to God for them!

Help Is Available

A good father is eager to receive help that will benefit his children. After an angel told Manoah’s wife that she was going to bear a child, Manoah prayed to God: “Let him, please, come again to us and instruct us as to what we ought to do to the child that will be born.” (Judges 13:8, 9) Like parents today, what kind of help did Manoah need? Let us see.

Brent Burgoyne, a teacher at the University of Cape Town, South Africa, observed: “One of the greatest gifts one can give a child is to teach him or her a value system.” That children need to be taught such a system can be seen from a report in Japan’s Daily Yomiuri, which noted: “[A] survey shows that 71 percent of Japanese children have never been told by their fathers not to tell lies.” Is that not a sad commentary?

Who can provide a reliable value system? The same one who gave Manoah guidance​—God himself! To provide help, God sent his own dear Son, Jesus, as Teacher​—the term by which he was commonly addressed. Now the book Learn From the Great Teacher, which draws lessons from Jesus’ teachings, is available in many languages for your use when teaching young ones.

Learn From the Great Teacher not only explains values based on God’s Word but also illustrates the written text with more than 160 pictures that have pointed questions. For example, chapter 22, entitled “Why We Should Not Lie,” contains the picture shown on page 32 of this magazine. The written text on the page where this picture appears says: “Perhaps a boy tells his father: ‘No, I didn’t kick the ball in the house.’ But what if he really did? Would it be wrong to say that he didn’t?”

Powerful lessons are also taught in chapters entitled “Obedience Protects You,” “We Need to Resist Temptations,” “A Lesson on Being Kind,” “Never Become a Thief!,” “Do All Parties Please God?,” “How to Make God Happy,” and “Why We Need to Work,” to name just a few of the 48 in the book.

The foreword of the book concludes: “Children especially need to be directed to the Source of all wisdom, our heavenly Father, Jehovah God. This is what Jesus, the Great Teacher, always did. We sincerely hope that this book will help you and your family to mold your lives so as to be pleasing to Jehovah, to your eternal blessing.”a

Clearly, being a good father includes setting a good example for your children, spending plenty of time with them, and helping them to live according to God’s standards as he has revealed them in the Bible.

[Footnote]

[Picture on page 8]

Although in prison, Viktor Gutschmidt managed to be a good father

[Pictures on page 8, 9]

While he was imprisoned for his faith, Viktor drew these pictures to teach his children

[Picture on page 9]

Viktor’s daughters in 1965

[Picture on page 10]

Fathers should be actively involved in teaching their children