Can Marriage Withstand the Storm?

“What God has yoked together let no man put apart.”​—MATTHEW 19:6.

HOMES that looked sturdy were swept off their foundations, their structures ripped to shreds. As monster storms hit large areas around the globe recently, the quality and durability of countless buildings were put to the ultimate test.

A storm of another nature, however, is wreaking havoc on the foundation and structure of the age-old institution of marriage. “For better or worse, marriage has been displaced from its pivotal position in personal and social life,” states family historian Stephanie Coontz.

Can you see the effects of such a trend? Do you feel that marriage is losing its honored place in society? If so, why is this happening? And what hope does anyone have of securing or maintaining a happy marriage? First, though, what is putting marriage in danger?

Marriage Under Attack

The attacks on marriage are not new; they go back to the beginning of human history. Qualities and attitudes that developed in our first human parents have led to the marriage crisis we experience today. Adam and Eve sinned when they gave in to selfish cravings, and thus “sin entered into the world.” (Romans 5:12) The historical record of the Bible states that soon after this, “every inclination of the thoughts of [man’s] heart was only bad all the time.”​—Genesis 6:5.

Not much has changed since then. Among the corrosive inclinations that plague marriage is the uninhibited pursuit of selfish gratification. Marriage itself might seem an outdated institution, no longer viable in a modern world under the spell of a new morality. And the relaxing of laws that regulate the breakup of a marriage has removed most of the stigma once attached to divorce.

Impatient individuals, who seek quick results and instant gratification, give little or no thought to the consequences of divorce. Lured by seductive promises of freedom and independence, they believe that divorce will lead to happiness.

Others when faced with thornlike problems in their relationship turn to therapists and marriage counselors or to books written by such authorities. Sadly, some modern marriage “experts” have proved more adept at promoting divorce than at defending marriage. “For perhaps the first time in human history,” states the book The Case for Marriage, “marriage as an ideal is under a sustained and surprisingly successful attack. Sometimes the attack is direct and ideological, made by ‘experts’ who believe a lifelong vow of fidelity is unrealistic or oppressive.”

Altered Perceptions

Perceptions about the nature and purpose of marriage have also changed. You have probably observed a shift in emphasis from loyal and supportive marriage partners to spouses who primarily expect personal fulfillment​—often at the expense of their mate. The transition to this self-centered view of marriage “began in the 1960s and accelerated in the 1970s,” states the Journal of Marriage and Family. Traditional reasons for marriage​—such as the desire for love, intimacy, fidelity, children, and mutual fulfillment—​have weakened.

Several other recent developments have accelerated the transformation of marriage in many lands. First, the traditional roles of the male breadwinner and the female homemaker have changed in many countries. With the entry of women into the paid workplace, there has been a notable rise in the number of dual-career households. Second, childbearing outside marriage is increasingly accepted, leading to more single-parent families. Third, cohabitation as a replacement for marriage is growing. (See the box “Less Stable Than Marriages.”) Fourth, same-sex unions and the movement to legalize them have gained wide approval. Have these modern trends influenced your view of matrimony?

Surging Divorce Rates

Let us look at several countries to see how the popularity of divorce has led to the further erosion of marriage. In the United States, according to a recent report, “the number of divorced couples quadrupled between 1970 and 1996.” Roughly, 1 in 5 adults has been lashed by the destructive winds of divorce. Who are the most vulnerable to marriage failure? Statistics show that about 60 percent of all divorces occur within the first ten years.

In other countries too, divorce rates have soared. The total number of divorces in England and Wales reached 153,490 in 2004. Australians can expect about 40 percent of their marriages to end in divorce. The Republic of Korea saw an increase of 21,800 divorces in just one year​—from 2002 to 2003—​a total of 167,100 couples divorced. Japan, where 1 in every 4 marriages ends in divorce, is now approaching Europe’s divorce rate. “Once upon a time it was only the very worst marriages that would end in divorce,” observed an expert in family studies at the Japan Red Cross University. “Now it has become a simple lifestyle issue.”

In many countries long-standing religious institutions and social traditions contributed to marriage stability. However, they can no longer stop the rising tide of social acceptance of divorce. For instance, consider the Roman Catholic Church, where marriage is regarded as something sacred. In 1983 the church relaxed its rules concerning marriage bonds and made it easier for Catholics to end a marriage. Hence, annulments have increased since then.

Obviously, the threads that bind marriage are unraveling. But not all the reasons are obvious. In fact, besides the general breakdown in society, there is another major cause of the increase in failed marriages​—one that is hidden from the view of the majority of mankind.

A Hidden Cause of the Storm

The Bible tells us that Satan the Devil, the epitome of selfishness, has an unseen, increasingly pernicious influence over the world. Why is that so? Because he has been cast down from heaven to the vicinity of the earth and is very angry. Indeed, he is bent on causing as much “woe,” or trouble, as possible, and the divine institution of marriage is just one object of Satan’s malicious anger.​—Revelation 12:9, 12.

Referring to the time after Satan’s eviction, Jesus said: “Because of the increasing of lawlessness the love of the greater number will cool off.” (Matthew 24:12) In a similar vein, the apostle Paul wrote: “[People] will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, self-assuming, haughty, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, disloyal, having no natural [or, familial] affection, not open to any agreement, slanderers, without self-control, fierce, without love of goodness, betrayers, headstrong, puffed up with pride, lovers of pleasures rather than lovers of God.” (2 Timothy 3:2-4) These repugnant characteristics have always existed to some extent, but they have become much more pronounced in recent times, as most people readily acknowledge.

In view of the storm battering the institution of marriage, what can we do to shield ourselves and to enjoy a truly happy and lasting marriage? The next article will examine this question.

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“In a society which is used to disposability, people are likely to have that same attitude towards relationships.”​—SANDRA DAVIS, FAMILY LAW EXPERT

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“Less Stable Than Marriages”

Many couples of the opposite sex live together without the commitment of marriage. Such unions, however, are even “less stable than marriages,” notes a report by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Some of these couples cohabit in order to assess their compatibility prior to marriage. Does such an arrangement eliminate poor matches and improve subsequent marriages? According to the Journal of Marriage and Family, the evidence indicates otherwise. “Among married individuals, premarital cohabitation is related to lower marital satisfaction . . . , more reports of marital problems, and . . . a higher risk of marital dissolution,” says the Journal.

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Longevity and Marriage

People today live longer. Even this otherwise positive development has added stress to marriage. Today, divorce ends many marriages that death would have ended in times past. Consider an odd marriage ailment that is afflicting longtime married women in Japan. According to The Washington Post, experts label it “RHS,” or “retired husband syndrome.” Recalling her husband’s retirement, one wife, who had been married for 40 years, said that at the time she thought: “I am going to have to divorce him now. It was bad enough that I had to wait on him when he came home from work. But having him around the house all the time was more than I could possibly bear.”

How to Build a Happy Marriage

“A man . . . must stick to his wife and they must become one flesh.”​—GENESIS 2:24.

OUR Maker, Jehovah God, instituted marriage as a permanent union between a man and a woman. Says Genesis 2:18, 22-24: “Jehovah God went on to say: ‘It is not good for the man to continue by himself. I am going to make a helper for him, as a complement of him.’ And Jehovah God proceeded to build the rib that he had taken from the man into a woman and to bring her to the man. Then the man said: ‘This is at last bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. This one will be called Woman, because from man this one was taken.’ That is why a man will leave his father and his mother and he must stick to his wife and they must become one flesh.”

True, building a lasting, happy marriage is not easy, but it is certainly possible. Many couples have been happily married for 50, 60, or more years. How do they do it? They work at their marriage continually and unselfishly to “gain the approval” of their mate. (1 Corinthians 7:33, 34) That takes work. If you are willing to invest the time and effort, you too can build a happy marriage, one that will last a long time.

Follow the Blueprint Carefully

A trustworthy contractor would never start construction without first consulting a drawing. Similarly, we cannot succeed in building a happy marriage without carefully consulting God’s blueprint for the project. It is found in the pages of God’s Word. “All Scripture is inspired of God and beneficial . . . for setting things straight,” wrote the apostle Paul.​—2 Timothy 3:16.

Husbands and wives can learn a great deal about marriage by considering how Jesus dealt with his disciples. How so? In the Bible the relationship between Jesus and those who will rule with him in heaven is likened to that between a man and his wife. (2 Corinthians 11:2) Jesus remained loyal to his associates, even during the most turbulent times. “He loved them to the end.” (John 13:1) As a compassionate leader, Jesus always took into consideration the limitations and frailties of his followers. He never demanded of them more than they were able to do or give.​—John 16:12.

Even when disappointed by his closest friends, Jesus remained gentle. He did not berate them, but, rather, with godly humility and kindness, he tried to readjust them. (Matthew 11:28-30; Mark 14:34-38; John 13:5-17) Thus, if you examine closely the way Jesus tenderly treated his followers and the way they returned that expression of love to him, you will learn practical lessons on building a happy marriage.​—1 Peter 2:21.

Build on a Solid Foundation

Inevitably, stormlike trials will lash at the foundation of your marriage. This will test the underpinnings of your relationship with your spouse. However, the sturdiest foundation on which to build a happy marriage is loyal commitment based on love. Jesus highlighted the importance of commitment when he said: “No one should separate a couple that God has joined together.” (Matthew 19:6, Contemporary English Version) The expression “no one” would include the man and his wife, who have vowed to remain faithful to each other.

Some may view commitment as burdensome, its demands and costs being too great. Today convenience usually wins out over the sacrifice involved in being committed to someone.

What can sustain marital commitment? The apostle Paul wrote: “Husbands ought to be loving their wives as their own bodies.” (Ephesians 5:28, 29) In part, then, being “joined together” means that you feel as concerned about the welfare of your mate as you do about your own. Married people need to shift their thinking from “mine” to “ours,” from “me” to “we.”

Successfully weathering stormy attacks on your marriage will make you wise. Such acquired wisdom can result in happiness. “Happy is the man that has found wisdom,” notes Proverbs 3:13.

Use Fireproof Materials

For a house to last and be safe, it must be well built. Therefore, resolve to build your marriage with an eye to a lasting future. Use durable materials, the kind that can withstand fiery tests of your loyalty. Value as gold such precious qualities as godly wisdom, generosity, discernment, fear of God, warmth, loving appreciation for God’s laws, and genuine faith.

Happiness and contentment in marriage are not built on material possessions or secular advancement. They are built in the heart and mind, and these traits are strengthened by the truths from the Word of God. The exhortation “Let each one keep watching how he is building” can also be applied to marriage.​—1 Corinthians 3:10.

When Problems Arise

For a building to stand the test of time, a good maintenance program is necessary. When husband and wife regularly support each other in their goals and when they show honor and respect for each other, their marriage is kept strong. Selfishness does not take root, and anger is kept under control.

Deep, unresolved anger and frustration can kill love and affection in a marriage. The apostle Paul counseled men: “You husbands, keep on loving your wives and do not be bitterly angry with them.” (Colossians 3:19) The same principle applies to wives. When spouses strive to be considerate, kind, and understanding, they contribute to their happiness and contentment. Avoiding ill-tempered and confrontational behavior helps prevent conflict when difficulties do arise. “Become kind to one another,” urged Paul, “tenderly compassionate, freely forgiving one another.”​—Ephesians 4:32.

What if feelings of powerlessness, exasperation, or being underappreciated cause annoyance? In a calm manner, state clearly to your mate the reason for your concern. However, it may be best to let love cover over minor matters.​—1 Peter 4:8.

One husband, who has experienced several trials during his marriage of 35 years, says that no matter how angry you may feel toward your mate, you should “never stop talking.” He wisely adds, “Don’t ever stop loving.”

You Can Build a Happy Marriage!

True, building a happy marriage is not easy. However, when marriage mates are determined to work hard to include God in their union, happiness and security will result. Thus, watch closely the spiritual dimension in your family; have a rock-solid commitment to marriage. And remember that according to the words of Jesus, neither the husband nor the wife receives all the credit for a happy marriage. Rather, the credit primarily goes to the Originator of marriage, Jehovah God. “What God has yoked together let no man put apart.”​—Matthew 19:6.

FURTHER READING

The book The Secret of Family Happiness, published by Jehovah’s Witnesses, provides practical suggestions for building a happy and successful marriage. Hundreds of thousands of married couples around the world have found that its practical Bible-based advice has helped them improve the quality of their relationship.​—See page 32 of this magazine.

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What Can Help You to Build a Happy Marriage?

◼ Study God’s Word along with your mate regularly, and pray to God for help and guidance in resolving problems.​—Proverbs 3:5, 6; Philippians 4:6, 7; 2 Timothy 3:16, 17.

◼ Confine sexual interest exclusively to your mate.​—Proverbs 5:15-21; Hebrews 13:4.

◼ Communicate openly, honestly, and lovingly about your problems and differences.​—Proverbs 15:22; 20:5; 25:11.

◼ Speak to your mate in a kind, considerate manner; avoid outbursts of anger, nagging, and harsh critical remarks.​—Proverbs 15:1; 20:3; 21:9; 31:26, 28; Ephesians 4:31, 32.

◼ Humbly apply Bible counsel even if you feel that your mate is not doing everything he or she should be doing.​—Romans 14:12; 1 Peter 3:1, 2.

◼ Work hard to cultivate the spiritual qualities mentioned in the Bible.​—Galatians 5:22, 23; Colossians 3:12-14; 1 Peter 3:3-6.

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Follow God’s blueprint for marriage, found in the Bible

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Make unselfish love and loyalty your solid foundation

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Develop spiritual qualities that can withstand fiery tests

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A good marriage needs to be maintained