Learning to Confide

Many victims of domestic violence are silent sufferers. But Dr. John Wright urges: “Battered women should seek emotional and physical protection from a competent third party.” The same is true for any abused family member.

Sometimes a victim finds it difficult to confide in another individual. After all, trust within the closest social unit​—the family—​has led to pain. However, “there exists a friend sticking closer than a brother,” says Proverbs 18:24. Finding that friend and learning to confide discreetly is a valuable step in getting needed assistance. Of course, the abuser needs to get help too.

Each year hundreds of thousands of people become Jehovah’s Witnesses. These accept the challenge of putting on the new personality. Among them are former perpetrators of domestic violence. To counteract any tendency toward a relapse, they must continually let the Bible be “beneficial for teaching, for reproving, for setting things straight.”​—2 Timothy 3:16.

For these new Witnesses, putting on the new personality is a continuing process, for Colossians 3:10 says that it is “being made new.” So continual effort is needed. Thankfully, Jehovah’s Witnesses have the support of a multitude of spiritual “brothers and sisters and mothers and children.”​—Mark 10:29, 30; see also Hebrews 10:24, 25.

Then, too, in all of the some 70,000 congregations of Jehovah’s Witnesses throughout the world, there are loving overseers who are like “a shelter from the wind and a place to hide from storms.” Their “eyes and ears will be open to the needs of the people.” (Isaiah 32:2, 3, TEV) So newer Witnesses of Jehovah, as well as more experienced ones, have a wonderful reservoir of help available in the Christian congregation as they work at putting on the new personality.

Compassionate Overseers

When people come to Christian overseers in congregations of Jehovah’s Witnesses for counsel, these overseers are trained to listen impartially to all. They are encouraged to show everyone, especially the victims of severe abuse, great compassion and understanding.​—Colossians 3:12; 1 Thessalonians 5:14.

For instance, a battered wife could have been brutally hurt. In many lands today, had that same battering been inflicted on someone outside the family, the abuser could have ended up in prison. So the victim needs to be treated with extraordinary kindness, as do victims of all other types of abuse, such as sexual abuse.

Furthermore, the perpetrators of crimes against God’s laws need to be called to account. In this way the congregation is kept clean, and other innocent persons are protected. And very important, the flow of God’s spirit is not impeded.​—1 Corinthians 5:1-7; Galatians 5:9.

God’s View of Marriage

When people become Jehovah’s Witnesses, they agree to be bound by the principles of Christian living found in God’s Word. They learn that the man is designated as the head of the family, to guide it in true worship. (Ephesians 5:22) But headship never authorizes brutalizing the wife, crushing her personality, or ignoring her wishes.

On the contrary, God’s Word makes clear that husbands should “continue loving [their] wives, just as the Christ also loved the congregation and delivered up himself for it . . . Husbands ought to be loving their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself, for no man ever hated his own flesh; but he feeds and cherishes it.” (Ephesians 5:25, 28, 29) Indeed, God’s Word plainly says that wives should be assigned “honor.”​—1 Peter 3:7; see also Romans 12:3, 10; Philippians 2:3, 4.

Surely no Christian husband can truthfully argue that he really loves his wife or honors her if he abuses her verbally or physically. That would be hypocrisy, for God’s Word states: “You husbands, keep on loving your wives and do not be bitterly angry with them.” (Colossians 3:19) Shortly, when God’s judgments come against this wicked system at Armageddon, hypocrites will suffer the same fate as opposers of God’s rule.​—Matthew 24:51.

A God-fearing husband is to love his wife as his own body. Would he beat his own body, punch himself in the face, or violently pull his own hair? Would he belittle himself with disdain and sarcasm in front of others? One doing such things would be considered mentally unbalanced, to say the least.

If a Christian man batters his wife, it renders all his other Christian works valueless in God’s sight. Remember, “a smiter” does not qualify for privileges in the Christian congregation. (1 Timothy 3:3; 1 Corinthians 13:1-3) Of course, any wife who deals similarly with her husband is also violating God’s law.

Galatians 5:19-21 places among the works condemned by God “enmities, strife, . . . fits of anger” and states that “those who practice such things will not inherit God’s kingdom.” Thus, battering one’s mate or children is never justified. It is usually against the law of the land and is certainly against God’s law.

The Watchtower, a magazine published by Jehovah’s Witnesses, has provided a Scriptural viewpoint on the matter, saying of those who profess to be Christians yet are batterers: “Anyone claiming to be a Christian who repeatedly and unrepentantly gives in to violent fits of anger can be disfellowshiped,” excommunicated.​—May 1, 1975, page 287; compare 2 John 9, 10.

What God’s Law Allows

God will ultimately judge those who violate his laws. But in the meantime, what provision does his Word make for those Christian mates who have been battered when the perpetrator does not change but continues his battering? Are innocent victims obligated to continue jeopardizing their physical, mental, and spiritual health, perhaps even their lives?

The Watchtower, commenting on violence in the home, notes what God’s Word allows. It states: “The apostle Paul counsels: ‘A wife should not depart from her husband; but if she should actually depart, let her remain unmarried or else make up again with her husband; and a husband should not leave his wife.’” The article further says: “In the event that abuse becomes unbearable, or life itself is endangered, the believing mate may choose to ‘depart.’ But the endeavor should be to ‘make up again’ in due course. (1 Corinthians 7:10-16) However, ‘departing’ does not of itself provide Scriptural grounds for divorce and remarriage; still, a legal divorce or a legal separation may provide a measure of protection from further abuse.”​—March 15, 1983, pages 28-9; see also the issue of November 1, 1988, pages 22-3.

What a victim chooses to do in these circumstances must be a personal decision. “Each one will carry his [or her] own load.” (Galatians 6:5) No one else can make such a decision for her. And no one should try to pressure her to return to an abusive husband where her health, life, and spirituality are threatened. That must be her own choice, of her own free will, not because others are trying to impose their will on her.​—See Philemon 14.

Behavioral limits for adults: One abuser claimed that he had simply “lost control” and beat his wife. A counselor asked the man if he had ever stabbed his wife. “I would never do that!” the man responded. The man was helped to see that he was acting within a set of limits, but the problem was that they were not the proper limits.

Where are your limits set? Do you stop before a disagreement develops into something abusive? Or do you boil over and end up shouting, insulting, pushing, throwing things, or battering?

The new personality has a strict limit, set well short of allowing mental abuse or physical violence. “Let a rotten saying not proceed out of your mouth,” says Ephesians 4:29. Verse 31 adds: “Let all malicious bitterness and anger and wrath and screaming and abusive speech be taken away from you along with all badness.” The Greek word for “wrath” denotes an “impulsive nature.” Interestingly, the book Toxic Parents notes that a common characteristic among child abusers is “an appalling lack of impulse control.” The new personality sets firm limits on impulses, both physical and verbal.

Of course, the new personality applies to the wife as well as to the husband. She should work at not antagonizing her mate, showing appreciation for his efforts to care for the family, cooperating with him. And both should not demand of each other what neither can produce​—perfection. Instead, both should apply 1 Peter 4:8: “Above all things, have intense love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.”