“The New Personality”

“What is needed is no less than a restructuring of the relations between family members,” says one research team. Domestic violence is not just a problem of the fists; it is foremost a problem of the mind. Its seeds are sown in how family members​—spouse, child, parent, sibling—​view one another. Restructuring these relationships means putting on what the Bible calls “the new personality.”​—Ephesians 4:22-24; Colossians 3:8-10.

Let us examine some family-related Bible principles that help us to put on the new Christlike personality that can work toward a better relationship among family members.​—See Matthew 11:28-30.

“The New Personality”

“What is needed is no less than a restructuring of the relations between family members,” says one research team. Domestic violence is not just a problem of the fists; it is foremost a problem of the mind. Its seeds are sown in how family members​—spouse, child, parent, sibling—​view one another. Restructuring these relationships means putting on what the Bible calls “the new personality.”​—Ephesians 4:22-24; Colossians 3:8-10.

Let us examine some family-related Bible principles that help us to put on the new Christlike personality that can work toward a better relationship among family members.​—See Matthew 11:28-30.

View of children: More is involved in being a parent than producing a baby. Sadly, though, many today view their children as a burden and therefore lack commitment to their parental role. These are potential abusers.

The Bible calls children “an inheritance from Jehovah” and “a reward.” (Psalm 127:3) Parents are responsible to the Creator in caring for that inheritance. Those who view children as an encumbrance need to develop the new personality in this regard.a

Realistic expectations of children: One study revealed that many abusive mothers expect infants to know right from wrong by the time the child is one year of age. A third of those surveyed specified six months.

The Bible shows that everybody is born imperfect. (Psalm 51:5; Romans 5:12) It does not claim that discernment is acquired at birth. Rather, it says that “through use” a person’s perceptive powers are “trained to distinguish both right and wrong.” (Hebrews 5:14) Further, the Bible speaks of “the traits of a babe,” the “foolishness” of boyhood, and the “vanity” of adolescence. (1 Corinthians 13:11; Proverbs 22:15; Ecclesiastes 11:10) Parents must understand these limitations, not expecting more than is appropriate to the child’s age and ability.

Administering discipline to children: In the Bible the Greek word translated “discipline” means “educate.” Therefore, the goal of discipline is primarily, not to cause pain, but to train. Much of this can be accomplished without spanking, though that may be necessary at times. (Proverbs 13:24) The Bible says: “Listen to discipline and become wise.” (Proverbs 8:33) Too, Paul wrote that one should keep oneself “restrained under evil,” administering reproof with “long-suffering.” (2 Timothy 2:24; 4:2) This rules out angry outbursts and excessive force even when spanking is needed.

In view of these Bible principles, ask yourself: ‘Does my discipline teach, or does it simply control by hurting? Does my discipline instill right principles or just fear?’

Behavioral limits for adults: One abuser claimed that he had simply “lost control” and beat his wife. A counselor asked the man if he had ever stabbed his wife. “I would never do that!” the man responded. The man was helped to see that he was acting within a set of limits, but the problem was that they were not the proper limits.

Where are your limits set? Do you stop before a disagreement develops into something abusive? Or do you boil over and end up shouting, insulting, pushing, throwing things, or battering?

The new personality has a strict limit, set well short of allowing mental abuse or physical violence. “Let a rotten saying not proceed out of your mouth,” says Ephesians 4:29. Verse 31 adds: “Let all malicious bitterness and anger and wrath and screaming and abusive speech be taken away from you along with all badness.” The Greek word for “wrath” denotes an “impulsive nature.” Interestingly, the book Toxic Parents notes that a common characteristic among child abusers is “an appalling lack of impulse control.” The new personality sets firm limits on impulses, both physical and verbal.

Of course, the new personality applies to the wife as well as to the husband. She should work at not antagonizing her mate, showing appreciation for his efforts to care for the family, cooperating with him. And both should not demand of each other what neither can produce​—perfection. Instead, both should apply 1 Peter 4:8: “Above all things, have intense love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.”

Respect for the aged: “Show respect for old people and honor them,” says Leviticus 19:32. (Today’s English Version) This may be a challenge when an elderly parent is ill and perhaps overdemanding. First Timothy 5:3, 4 speaks of giving “honor” and “due compensation” to parents. This could include financial provisions as well as respect. In view of all that our parents did for us when we were helpless infants, we should give them similar consideration when it is needed.

Conquer sibling rivalry: Before Cain’s hostility led to his murdering his brother Abel, he was counseled: “Sin is crouching at your door. It wants to rule you, but you must overcome it.” (Genesis 4:7, TEV) Feelings can be controlled. Learn to be patient with each other, “generously making allowances for each other because you love each other.”​—Ephesians 4:2, Phillips.

Learning to Confide

Many victims of domestic violence are silent sufferers. But Dr. John Wright urges: “Battered women should seek emotional and physical protection from a competent third party.” The same is true for any abused family member.

Sometimes a victim finds it difficult to confide in another individual. After all, trust within the closest social unit​—the family—​has led to pain. However, “there exists a friend sticking closer than a brother,” says Proverbs 18:24. Finding that friend and learning to confide discreetly is a valuable step in getting needed assistance. Of course, the abuser needs to get help too.

Each year hundreds of thousands of people become Jehovah’s Witnesses. These accept the challenge of putting on the new personality. Among them are former perpetrators of domestic violence. To counteract any tendency toward a relapse, they must continually let the Bible be “beneficial for teaching, for reproving, for setting things straight.”​—2 Timothy 3:16.

For these new Witnesses, putting on the new personality is a continuing process, for Colossians 3:10 says that it is “being made new.” So continual effort is needed. Thankfully, Jehovah’s Witnesses have the support of a multitude of spiritual “brothers and sisters and mothers and children.”​—Mark 10:29, 30; see also Hebrews 10:24, 25.

Then, too, in all of the some 70,000 congregations of Jehovah’s Witnesses throughout the world, there are loving overseers who are like “a shelter from the wind and a place to hide from storms.” Their “eyes and ears will be open to the needs of the people.” (Isaiah 32:2, 3, TEV) So newer Witnesses of Jehovah, as well as more experienced ones, have a wonderful reservoir of help available in the Christian congregation as they work at putting on the new personality.