CHAPTER 24

Will Sex Improve Our Relationship?

Heather has been seeing Mike for only two months, but she feels as if she’s known him forever. They text each other constantly, they talk for hours at a time on the phone, and they can even finish each other’s sentences! But now, as they sit in a parked car under the moonlight, Mike wants more than conversation.

During the past two months, Mike and Heather have done nothing more than hold hands and briefly kiss. Heather doesn’t want to go further. But she doesn’t want to lose Mike either. No one makes her feel so beautiful, so special. ‘Besides,’ she tells herself, ‘Mike and I are in love . . .’

YOU can probably guess where this scenario is heading. But what you may not realize is how dramatically sex would change things for Mike and Heather​—and not for the better. Consider the following:

If you defy a physical law, such as the law of gravity, you suffer the consequences. The same is true if you defy a moral law, such as the one that states: “Abstain from fornication.” (1 Thessalonians 4:3) What are the consequences of disobeying that command? The Bible says: “He that practices fornication is sinning against his own body.” (1 Corinthians 6:18) How is that true? See if you can list below three harmful effects that can come to those who engage in premarital sex.

1 ․․․․․

2 ․․․․․

3 ․․․․․

Now look at what you wrote. Did you include such things as sexually transmitted disease, unwanted pregnancy, or the loss of God’s favor? Those certainly are devastating consequences that can come to anyone who violates God’s moral law regarding fornication.

Still, you might be tempted. ‘Nothing will happen to me,’ you could reason. After all, isn’t everyone having sex? Your peers at school brag about their escapades, and they don’t seem to be hurting. Perhaps, like Heather in the opening scenario, you even feel that sex will make you and your partner closer. Besides, who wants to be ridiculed for being a virgin? Isn’t it better to give in?

Not so fast! First of all, not everyone is doing it. True, you may read statistics indicating that a large number of youths are having sex. For example, a U.S. study revealed that by the time they finish high school, 2 out of 3 youths in that country are sexually active. But that also means that 1 out of 3​—a sizable number—​are not. Now, what about those who are? Researchers have found that many such youths experience one or more of the following rude awakenings.

RUDE AWAKENING 1 DISTRESS. Most youths who have engaged in premarital sex say that they regretted it afterward.

RUDE AWAKENING 2 DISTRUST. After having sex, each partner begins to wonder, ‘Who else has he/​she had sex with?’

RUDE AWAKENING 3 DISILLUSIONMENT. Deep down, many girls would prefer someone who will protect them, not use them. And many boys find that they are less attracted to a girl who has given in to their advances.

In addition to the above, a number of boys have said that they would never marry a girl they have had sex with. Why? Because they prefer someone who is more chaste!

If you’re a girl, does that surprise you​—perhaps even anger you? Then remember this: The reality of premarital sex is far different from what is shown in movies and on TV. The entertainment industry glamorizes teen sex and makes it look like harmless fun or even true love. But don’t be naive! Those who would try to coax you into premarital sex are only looking out for their own interests. (1 Corinthians 13:4, 5) After all, would anyone who truly loves you endanger your physical and emotional well-being? (Proverbs 5:3, 4) And would anyone who truly cares for you tempt you to jeopardize your relationship with God?​—Hebrews 13:4.

If you’re a young man and you’re dating, what has been stated in this chapter should give you reason to reflect on the relationship you’re involved in. Ask yourself, ‘Do I really care for my girlfriend?’ If your answer is yes, how can you best show it? By having the strength to uphold God’s laws, the wisdom to avoid tempting circumstances, and the love to look out for her interests. If you have such qualities, then likely your girlfriend’s feelings will be similar to those of the morally upright Shulammite, who said: “My dear one is mine and I am his.” (Song of Solomon 2:16) In short, you’ll be her hero!

Whether you’re a boy or a girl, if you were to give in to premarital sex, you would be degrading yourself by giving away something precious. (Romans 1:24) No wonder so many feel empty and worthless afterward, as if they’ve carelessly allowed a precious part of themselves to be stolen! Don’t let that happen to you. If someone tries to coax you into sex by saying, “If you love me, you’ll do this,” firmly reply, “If you love me, you won’t ask!”

Your body is far too valuable to give away. Show that you have the strength of character to obey God’s command to abstain from fornication. Then, if you do marry one day, you can have sex. And you’ll be able to enjoy it fully, without the worries, regrets, and insecurities that are so often the aftermath of premarital sex.​—Proverbs 7:22, 23; 1 Corinthians 7:3.

READ MORE ABOUT THIS TOPIC IN VOLUME 2, CHAPTERS 4 AND 5

KEY SCRIPTURE

“Flee from fornication. . . . He that practices fornication is sinning against his own body.”​—1 Corinthians 6:18.

TIP

When it comes to conduct with the opposite sex, a good rule to follow is this: If it’s something you wouldn’t want your parents to observe you doing, then you shouldn’t be doing it.

DID YOU KNOW . . . ?

After having sex, a boy is more likely to abandon his girlfriend and move on to someone else.

ACTION PLAN!

When I’m with a member of the opposite sex, the circumstances I need to avoid are ․․․․․

If a member of the opposite sex wants to meet me in a secluded place, I will say ․․․․․

What I would like to ask my parent(s) about this subject is ․․․․․

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

● Although premarital sex may appeal to the imperfect flesh, why is it wrong for you?

● What will you do if someone asks you to have sex?

[Blurb on page 176]

“As a Christian, you have qualities that will make you attractive to others. So you have to be alert and back off when invited to do something immoral. Respect those qualities. Don’t sell out!”​—Joshua

[Picture on pages 176, 177]

Engaging in premarital sex is like taking a beautiful painting and using it as a doormat

CHAPTER 25

How Can I Conquer the Habit of Masturbation?

“I began masturbating when I was eight years old. Later I learned God’s view of the matter. I felt terrible every time I gave in. ‘How could God love someone like me?’ I asked myself.”​—Luiz.

WHEN you reach puberty, sexual desires can become particularly strong. As a result, you might fall into a habit of masturbation.a Many would say that it’s not a big deal. “No one gets hurt,” they argue. However, there’s good reason to avoid the practice. The apostle Paul wrote: “Deaden, therefore, your body members . . . as respects . . . sexual appetite.” (Colossians 3:5) Masturbation does not deaden sexual appetite but fuels it. In addition, consider the following:

● Masturbation instills attitudes that are totally self-centered. For example, when masturbating, a person is immersed in his or her own body sensations.

● Masturbation causes one to view those of the opposite sex as mere objects, or tools, for self-gratification.

● The selfish thinking that is instilled through the practice of masturbation can make satisfying sexual relations in marriage difficult to achieve.

Rather than resort to masturbation to relieve pent-up sexual urges, strive to cultivate self-control. (1 Thessalonians 4:4, 5) To help you to do that, the Bible recommends that you avoid circumstances that might arouse you sexually in the first place. (Proverbs 5:8, 9) Still, what if you have become enslaved to the habit of masturbation? Perhaps you’ve tried to stop but without success. It would be easy to conclude that you’re a lost cause, that you’re incapable of living up to God’s standards. That’s how a boy named Pedro viewed himself. “When I relapsed, I felt terrible,” he says. “I thought that I could never atone for what I had done. I found it hard to pray.”

If that’s how you feel, take courage. Your case isn’t hopeless. Many young people​—and adults—​have overcome the habit of masturbation. You can too!

Dealing With Guilt

As already noted, those who have fallen into the habit of masturbation are often plagued with guilt. Without a doubt, being “saddened in a godly way” can give you the incentive to overcome the habit. (2 Corinthians 7:11) But excessive guilt can be counterproductive. It can make you feel so discouraged that you just want to give up the fight.​—Proverbs 24:10.

So strive to put the matter in perspective. Masturbation is a form of uncleanness. It can make you a ‘slave to various desires and pleasures,’ and it fosters unhealthy attitudes. (Titus 3:3) At the same time, masturbation is not a form of gross sexual immorality, such as fornication. (Jude 7) If you have a problem with masturbation, you need not conclude that you have committed the unforgivable sin. The key is to resist the urge and never to give up your fight!

It is easy to become downhearted after a relapse. When that occurs, take to heart the words of Proverbs 24:16: “The righteous one may fall even seven times, and he will certainly get up; but the wicked ones will be made to stumble by calamity.” A temporary setback does not make you a wicked person. So do not give up. Instead, analyze what led to the relapse, and try to avoid repeating the same pattern.

Take time to meditate on God’s love and mercy. The psalmist David, who was no stranger to personal weakness, stated: “As a father shows mercy to his sons, Jehovah has shown mercy to those fearing him. For he himself well knows the formation of us, remembering that we are dust.” (Psalm 103:13, 14) Yes, Jehovah takes into consideration our imperfection and is “ready to forgive.” (Psalm 86:5) On the other hand, he wants us to put forth effort to improve. So what practical steps can you take to conquer your habit?

Analyze your entertainment. Do you watch movies or TV programs or visit Web sites that are sexually stimulating? The psalmist wisely prayed to God: “Make my eyes pass on from seeing what is worthless.”b​—Psalm 119:37.

Force your mind to focus on other matters. A Christian named William advises: “Before going to bed, read something related to spiritual things. It is very important that the last thought of the day be a spiritual one.”​—Philippians 4:8.

Talk to someone about the problem. Shame might make it difficult for you to bring up the matter to a confidant. Yet, doing so can help you to overcome the habit! That’s what a Christian named David found. “I talked privately with my father,” he says. “I’ll never forget what he said. With a reassuring smile on his face, he said, ‘You make me so proud of you.’ He knew what I had to go through to get to that point. No words could have lifted my spirits and determination more.

“My father then showed me a few scriptures to help me see that I was not ‘too far gone,’ and then some more scriptures to be sure I understood the seriousness of my wrong course. He said to ‘keep the slate clean’ until a certain time, and we would discuss it again then. He told me not to let it crush me if I relapsed, just go a longer period of time without giving in the next time.” David’s conclusion? He says: “Having someone else aware of my problem and helping me was the greatest benefit.”c

[Footnotes]

KEY SCRIPTURE

“Flee from the desires incidental to youth, but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace, along with those who call upon the Lord out of a clean heart.”​—2 Timothy 2:22.

TIP

Pray before urges become strong. Ask Jehovah God to give you “power beyond what is normal” to cope with temptation.​—2 Corinthians 4:7.

DID YOU KNOW . . . ?

Any weak person can give in to his or her sexual urges. But it takes a real man or a real woman to display self-control even when in private.

ACTION PLAN!

I can keep my mind on things that are chaste if I ․․․․․

Instead of giving in to the urge, I will ․․․․․

What I would like to ask my parent(s) about this subject is ․․․․․

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

● Why is it important to remember that Jehovah is “ready to forgive”?​—Psalm 86:5.

● Since God, who created sexual urges, also says that you should cultivate self-control, what confidence must he have in you?

[Blurb on page 182]

“Since overcoming the problem, I can keep a clean conscience before Jehovah, and that is something that I wouldn’t trade for anything!”​—Sarah

[Picture on page 180]

A fall while running does not mean that you have to start over​—nor does a relapse with masturbation erase the progress you’ve already made

CHAPTER 26

What About Casual Sex?

“Kids ‘hook up’ just to see how far they can go with each other and to see how many people they can have sex with.”​—Penny.

“Boys speak openly about it. They brag about how they have a girlfriend but still have sex with many other girls.”​—Edward.

MANY youths today boast of having casual sex with no emotional strings attached. Some even have acquaintances to whom they can turn for sex without the “complications” of a romance.

Don’t be surprised if you feel tempted by that prospect! (Jeremiah 17:9) Edward, quoted earlier, says: “Many girls have offered me sex, and resisting is the most difficult struggle I have as a Christian. It’s hard to say no!” What Bible principles should you keep in mind if you are invited to have casual sex?

Know Why Casual Sex Is Wrong

Fornication is so serious a sin that those who practice it “will not inherit God’s kingdom.” (1 Corinthians 6:9, 10) Of course, that’s true whether two people are “in love” or engaging in casual sex. To resist temptation in either situation, you must view the practice of fornication as Jehovah does.

“I firmly believe that Jehovah’s way is the best way to live.”​—Karen, Canada.

“Remember that you are somebody’s son or daughter, a friend to many people, and part of a congregation. You would let all these people down if you gave in!”​—Peter, Britain.

By adopting Jehovah’s view of fornication, you will be able to “hate what is bad,” even if it appeals to the flesh.​—Psalm 97:10.

Suggested reading: Genesis 39:7-9. Notice Joseph’s brave stand against sexual temptation and what enabled him to resist.

Be Proud of Your Beliefs

It’s not unusual for youths to stand up proudly for a cause they believe in. Your privilege is to uphold God’s standards by your conduct. Don’t be ashamed of your view of premarital sex.

“Make it clear right from the start that you have moral principles.”​—Allen, Germany.

“The boys I went to high school with knew who I was, and they knew that their attempts would be a waste of their breath.”​—Vicky, United States.

Taking a stand for your beliefs is a sign that you are becoming a mature Christian.​—1 Corinthians 14:20.

Suggested reading: Proverbs 27:11. See how your positive actions can move Jehovah’s heart!

Be Decisive!

Saying no is important. But some might misread your refusal as playing “hard to get.”

“Everything about you​—including how you dress, how you talk, who you talk to, and how you relate to people—​should convey your refusal.”​—Joy, Nigeria.

“You need to make it clear that it is never going to happen. Never accept gifts from boys who are trying to get their way with you. They can use it against you, as if you owe them something in return.”​—Lara, Britain.

Jehovah will help you if you show yourself to be decisive. Based on his personal experience, the psalmist David could say of Jehovah: “With someone loyal you will act in loyalty.”​—Psalm 18:25.

Suggested reading: 2 Chronicles 16:9. Note that Jehovah is eager to help those who want to do what is right.

Use Foresight

The Bible states: “Shrewd is the one that has seen the calamity and proceeds to conceal himself.” (Proverbs 22:3) How can you apply that to yourself? By using foresight!

“Separate yourself as much as possible from people who talk about such things.”​—Naomi, Japan.

“Don’t give out personal information, such as your address or phone number.”​—Diana, Britain.

Analyze your speech, conduct, and associations, as well as the places you frequent. Then ask yourself, ‘Am I unwittingly sending out signals that will make invitations to engage in sex more likely?’

Suggested reading: Genesis 34:1, 2. See how being in the wrong place had tragic consequences for a girl named Dinah.

Remember, casual sex is no casual matter to Jehovah God; neither should it be to you. By taking a stand for what’s right, you can preserve a clean conscience before God and maintain self-respect. As a girl named Carly puts it, “why let yourself be ‘used’ for someone else’s instant gratification? Take care of what you have worked so hard to maintain!”

KEY SCRIPTURE

“Do your utmost to be found finally by [God] spotless and unblemished and in peace.”​—2 Peter 3:14.

TIP

Work on your inner qualities. (1 Peter 3:3, 4) The better you are as a person, the better kind of person you’ll attract.

DID YOU KNOW . . . ?

Jehovah wants you to enjoy sex as he created it to be​—a source of pleasure within marriage—​without the worries, insecurities, and regrets that are so often by-products of fornication.

ACTION PLAN!

I can imitate Joseph’s resolve to remain morally clean if I ․․․․․

I will avoid the mistake Dinah made if I ․․․․․

What I would like to ask my parent(s) about this subject is ․․․․․

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

● Although illicit sex may appeal to the imperfect flesh, why is it wrong?

● What will you do if someone asks you to have sex?

[Blurb on page 185]

“Be strong! When a young man made a suggestive invitation to me, I said, ‘Get your hand off my shoulder!’ and I walked away with a stern look.”​—Ellen

[Picture on page 187]

If you engage in casual sex, you cheapen yourself