CHAPTER 4

How Far Is Too Far?

True or false . . .

It’s always wrong for two people who are dating to touch each other, under any circumstances.

□ True

□ False

A couple who refrain from sexual intercourse can still be guilty of fornication.

□ True

□ False

If a dating couple don’t take sexual liberties, they can’t really be in love.

□ True

□ False

NO DOUBT you’ve thought about this subject a lot. After all, if you’re dating someone, it can be difficult to know where to draw the line when expressing affection. Let’s address the three true-or-false statements above and see how God’s Word helps us to answer the question, “How far is too far?”

● It’s always wrong for two people who are dating to touch each other, under any circumstances.

False. The Bible doesn’t condemn legitimate, clean expressions of affection. For example, the Bible tells the story of a Shulammite girl and a shepherd boy who were in love. Their courtship was chaste. Yet, they evidently exchanged some displays of affection before they married. (Song of Solomon 1:2; 2:6; 8:5) Today some couples who are seriously contemplating marriage may likewise feel that some chaste expressions of affection are appropriate.a

However, a dating couple must exercise extreme caution. Kissing, embracing, or doing anything that causes arousal can lead to sexual misconduct. It’s all too easy, even for a couple with honorable intentions, to get carried away and engage in sexual immorality.​—Colossians 3:5.

● A couple who refrain from sexual intercourse can still be guilty of fornication.

True. The original Greek word translated “fornication” (por·neiʹa) has a broad meaning. It describes all forms of sexual relations outside of marriage and focuses on the misuse of the sexual organs. Thus, fornication includes not only intercourse but also acts such as masturbating another person, as well as engaging in oral sex or anal sex.

Furthermore, the Bible condemns more than just fornication. The apostle Paul wrote: “The works of the flesh are manifest, and they are fornication, uncleanness, loose conduct.” He added: “Those who practice such things will not inherit God’s kingdom.”​—Galatians 5:19-21.

What is “uncleanness”? The Greek word covers impurity of any kind, in speech or action. Surely it would be unclean to allow one’s hands to stray under another person’s clothing, to remove another’s clothing, or to caress another’s intimate areas, such as the breasts. In the Bible the caressing of the breasts is associated with the pleasures reserved for married couples.​—Proverbs 5:18, 19.

Some youths brazenly defy godly standards. They deliberately go too far, or they greedily seek out numerous partners with whom they can practice sexual uncleanness. Such ones may be guilty of what the apostle Paul called “loose conduct.” The Greek word for “loose conduct” means ‘outrageous acts, excess, insolence, unbridled lust.’ Surely you want to avoid coming to be “past all moral sense” by giving yourself over to “loose conduct to work uncleanness of every sort with greediness.”​—Ephesians 4:17-19.

● If a dating couple don’t take sexual liberties, they can’t really be in love.

False. Contrary to what some may think, taking improper sexual liberties doesn’t deepen a relationship. Rather, it tears down mutual respect and trust. Consider Laura’s experience. “One day my boyfriend came over when my mother wasn’t home, supposedly just to watch TV,” she says. “At first he just held my hand. Then all of a sudden, his hands started to wander. I was afraid to tell him to stop; I thought he would get upset and want to leave.”

What do you think? Did Laura’s boyfriend really care for her, or was he just seeking selfish gratification? Is someone who tries to draw you into unclean behavior really showing that he loves you?

When a boy pressures a girl into violating her Christian training and conscience, he breaks God’s law and undermines any claim that he genuinely loves her. Furthermore, a girl who willingly gives in allows herself to be exploited. Worse yet, she has committed an unclean act​—perhaps even fornication.b​—1 Corinthians 6:9, 10.

Set Clear Boundaries

If you’re dating, how can you avoid inappropriate displays of affection? The wise course is to set clear boundaries in advance. Proverbs 13:10 says: “With those consulting together there is wisdom.” So discuss with your partner what expressions of affection are appropriate. Waiting until you’re in some emotion-charged romantic setting before establishing ground rules is like waiting until your house is on fire before installing an alarm.

Granted, such a sensitive discussion can be difficult​—even embarrassing—​especially in the early stages of courtship. But establishing boundaries can do much to prevent serious problems from developing later on. Wise boundaries can be like smoke detectors that sound an alarm at the first hint of fire. Furthermore, your ability to communicate in these matters may also serve as an indicator of how much potential the relationship has. In fact, self-control, patience, and unselfishness are the foundation of a satisfying sexual relationship in marriage.​—1 Corinthians 7:3, 4.

True, holding to godly standards isn’t easy. But you can trust Jehovah’s advice. After all, at Isaiah 48:17, he describes himself as “the One teaching you to benefit yourself, the One causing you to tread in the way in which you should walk.” Jehovah has your best interests at heart!

READ MORE ABOUT THIS TOPIC IN VOLUME 1, CHAPTER 24

[Footnotes]

KEY SCRIPTURE

“Love . . . does not behave indecently.”​—1 Corinthians 13:4, 5.

TIP

Date in groups, or insist on having a chaperone. Avoid risky settings, such as being alone in a parked car or in a house or an apartment.

DID YOU KNOW . . . ?

If you’re engaged, you need to discuss some intimate matters. But explicit talk that’s intended to arouse sexual desire is a form of uncleanness​—even if it’s carried on over the phone or via text messaging.

ACTION PLAN!

I can avoid being tempted to toy with immorality by ․․․․․

If the person I’m dating tries to pressure me into unclean conduct, I will ․․․․․

What I would like to ask my parent(s) about this subject is ․․․․․

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

● What limits would you set on physical contact with a member of the opposite sex?

● Explain how fornication, uncleanness, and loose conduct differ.

[Blurb on page 46]

“My fiancé and I have read together Bible-based articles on staying chaste. We appreciate the way they have helped us maintain a clean conscience.”​—Leticia

[Box on page 44]

What if We’ve Gone Too Far?

What if you’ve fallen into improper conduct? Don’t deceive yourself into thinking you can solve the problem alone. “I’d pray, ‘Help us not to do it again,’” confessed one youth. “Sometimes it would work, but a few times it didn’t.” Therefore, talk to your parents. The Bible also gives this good advice: “Call the older men of the congregation.” (James 5:14) These Christian shepherds can give counsel, advice, and reproof so that you can get your relationship with God back on track.

[Pictures on page 47]

Would you wait until your house caught fire before you installed an alarm? Then don’t wait until your passions are aroused before you establish ground rules for conduct

CHAPTER 5

Why Stay a Virgin?

“I feel pressure to experiment with sex.”​—Kelly.

“I feel strange for still being a virgin.”​—Jordon.

“ARE you still a virgin?” The very question might make you cower! After all, in many places a youth who is a virgin is likely to be viewed as a curiosity, an oddball. No wonder so many young people have sex before they’re out of their teens!

Pulled by Desire, Pushed by Peers

If you are a Christian, you know that the Bible tells you to “abstain from fornication.” (1 Thessalonians 4:3) Still, you might find it hard to control your sexual urges. “At times, thoughts about sex enter my mind without any apparent cause or reason,” admits a young man named Paul. Be assured that to a large extent, such feelings are normal.

However, being the victim of unrelenting teasing and harassment for being a virgin is no fun at all! For instance, what if your peers tell you that you’re not a real man or woman unless you’ve had sex? “Your peers make sex seem exciting and normal,” says Ellen. “If you’re not sleeping around, you’re classed as weird.”

But there’s a side to premarital sex that your peers may not talk about. For example, Maria, who had sex with her boyfriend, recalls: “Afterwards I felt embarrassed and ashamed. I hated myself and I hated my boyfriend.” Such experiences are more typical than most youths realize. In reality, premarital sex is often an emotionally painful experience​—with devastating consequences!

However, a youth named Shanda asks, “Why would God give young people sexual desires, knowing that they should not use them until after marriage?” That’s a good question. But consider the following:

Are sexual urges the only strong feelings you experience? Not at all. Jehovah God created you with the capacity to feel a wide range of desires and emotions.

Do you have to act on each impulse the instant that it wells up inside you? No, for God also made you with the ability to control your actions.

What’s the lesson, then? You may not be able to keep certain desires from arising, but you can control your reaction to them. Really, to act upon every sexual urge would be as wrong and foolish as hitting someone each time you felt anger.

The fact is, God never intended for us to misuse our procreative powers. “Each one of you should know how to get possession of his own vessel in sanctification and honor,” says the Bible. (1 Thessalonians 4:4) Just as there is “a time to love and a time to hate,” there is also a time to act on sexual urges and a time to refrain from doing so. (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8) Ultimately, you are in control of your desires!

But what can you do if someone taunts you, saying with disbelief, “Are you really still a virgin?” Don’t be intimidated. To a person who only wants to put you down, you could say: “Yes, I am still a virgin, and you know what? I’m glad I am!” Or you could say, “That is a personal matter I don’t discuss with others.”a (Proverbs 26:4; Colossians 4:6) On the other hand, you might feel that the person questioning you deserves to know more. In that case you may well choose to explain your Bible-based stand.

Can you think of some other replies to the taunt “Are you really still a virgin?” If so, write them below.

․․․․․

A Precious Gift

How does God feel when people decide to have sex before marriage? Well, imagine that you’ve purchased a gift for a friend. But before you can give it to that friend, he or she​—out of sheer curiosity—​opens the gift! Wouldn’t you be upset? Imagine, then, how God would feel if you were to engage in premarital sex. He wants you to wait until you’re married to enjoy the gift of sexual relations.​—Genesis 1:28.

What should you do about your sexual feelings? Put simply, learn to control them. You have the strength to do so! Pray to Jehovah to help you. His spirit can enhance your ability to exercise self-control. (Galatians 5:22, 23) Remind yourself that Jehovah “will not hold back anything good from those walking in faultlessness.” (Psalm 84:11) Says a youth named Gordon: “When I find myself thinking that premarital sex would not be so bad, I reflect on the bad spiritual consequences and realize that no sin is worth the loss of my relationship with Jehovah.”

The fact is, virginity is not strange or abnormal. It’s immoral sex that is degrading, humiliating, and harmful. So don’t let the world’s propaganda con you into thinking that something is wrong with you if you hold to Bible standards. By retaining your virginity, you protect your health, your emotional well-being, and​—most important of all—​your relationship with God.

READ MORE ABOUT THIS TOPIC IN VOLUME 1, CHAPTER 24

[Footnote]

KEY SCRIPTURE

“If anyone . . . has made this decision in his own heart, to keep his own virginity, he will do well.”​—1 Corinthians 7:37.

TIP

Avoid association with those who lack strong moral standards, even if they claim to share your religious beliefs.

DID YOU KNOW . . . ?

Sexually permissive people are unlikely to change their habits just because they get married. In contrast, those who are loyal to God’s moral standards before marriage are more likely to be loyal to their mate afterward.

ACTION PLAN!

If I am going to stay a virgin until I’m married, I will need to ․․․․․

If my associates are making it difficult for me to keep my resolve, I will ․․․․․

What I would like to ask my parent(s) about this subject is ․․․․․

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

● Why in your opinion do some ridicule those who are virgins?

● Why can it be difficult to remain a virgin?

● What are the benefits of remaining a virgin until you’re married?

● How would you explain the benefits of virginity to a younger sibling?

[Blurb on page 51]

“I am motivated to resist sexual temptations by always remembering that ‘no fornicator or unclean person has any inheritance in the kingdom of God.’” (Ephesians 5:5)​—Lydia

[Box on page 49]

Worksheet

What Really Happens Next?

Your peers and popular entertainment often cleverly mask the unpleasant realities of premarital sex. Look at the following three scenarios. What do you think would really happen to these teens?

● A schoolmate brags that he’s had sex with many girls. He says it’s fun​—nobody gets hurt. What really happens next​—to him and to the girls? ․․․․․

● A movie ends with two unmarried teens having sex as a way to express their love for each other. What would happen next​—in real life? ․․․․․

● You meet a cute boy who asks you for sex. He says no one has to find out about it. If you gave in and tried to cover it up, what would really happen next? ․․․․․

[Picture on page 54]

Engaging in premarital sex is like opening a gift before it has been given to you