Chapter 1

Finding the Key to Family Happiness

1, 2. What fine things can wholesome family life provide? So what questions might be raised?

MANY human needs for happiness can be satisfied in the family circle. There we may find the things that all of us normally yearn for: to feel needed, to be appreciated, to be loved. A warm family relationship can fill these longings in a wonderful way. It can produce an atmosphere of trust, understanding and compassion. Home then becomes a real haven of rest from outside troubles and turmoil. Children can feel secure and their personalities can blossom out to their full potential.

² This is family life as we would like to see it lived. But none of this comes automatically. How can it be attained? Why is it that family life is in such deep trouble today in many parts of the world? What is the key that makes the difference between marital happiness and marital misery, between a family that is warm and united and one that is cold and divided?

3. What do the facts of history reveal about the importance of the family?

³ If you feel deep concern for the welfare and success of your family, it is with good reason. Describing the importance of the family arrangement, The World Book Encyclopedia (1973) says:

“Family is the oldest human institution. In many ways it is the most important. It is society’s most basic unit. Entire civilizations have survived or disappeared, depending on whether family life was strong or weak.”

4, 5. What undesirable attitudes have you observed in many families?

⁴ But how many families today are close-knit with strong bonds of love? How many enjoy the warmth that mutual expressions of kindness, gratitude and generosity bring? How many have learned the truth of the saying, “There is more happiness in giving than there is in receiving”?

⁵ Today a very different spirit is spreading throughout the earth. Though prominent in the Western world, it is also penetrating into the Orient and other places where family life has traditionally been quite stable. Included in current views are: ‘Do what you want to, and let others look out for themselves.’ ‘Discipline is old-fashioned; let children choose their own course.’ ‘Make no judgments of what is right or wrong.’ In more and more countries divorce, juvenile delinquency and adult immorality are rising at an alarming rate. Psychologists, psychiatrists, clergymen and other counselors give advice. But instead of fortifying the unity of the family, many advisers condone or even recommend immorality as a means to relieve frustration. The bad harvest from all of this confirms the saying: “Whatever a man is sowing, this he will also reap.”

HISTORY SUPPORTS THE FAMILY ARRANGEMENT

6. How does what happened in ancient Greece and Rome illustrate the importance of the family?

⁶ The lessons history teaches about the importance of the family merit serious attention. In Part II of The Story of Civilization, historian Will Durant describes the collapse of the family in ancient Greece, then continues: “The essential cause of the Roman conquest of Greece was the disintegration of Greek civilization from within.” He then goes on to show that the strength of Rome was the family, but when the family arrangement broke down because of sexual immorality, the empire went into decline.

7. Why did certain persons in the Roman Empire enjoy wholesome family life whereas others were experiencing serious problems?

⁷ In reality, history confirms the ancient saying, “It does not belong to man who is walking even to direct his step.” But it also indicates that there is a source beyond human wisdom that can be looked to for direction, with the result that the family unit prospers. Historians report that, while the Roman Empire decayed, “the family life of the Jews was exemplary, and the little Christian communities were troubling the pleasure-mad pagan world with their piety and decency.” (The Story of Civilization, Part III, p. 366) What made these families distinctive? They had a different source of guidance, the Bible. To the extent that they applied its counsel as the Word of God, to that extent they enjoyed wholesome, peaceful families. Those results gave the decadent Roman world guilt feelings.

8. When it comes to solving family problems, why does the Bible deserve our attention? (Psalm 119:100-105)

⁸ The sayings quoted in earlier paragraphs are also from the Bible. In that book we find Jesus Christ’s words that there is more happiness in giving than in receiving, the inspired apostle Paul’s statement that we will reap what we sow, and the declaration of God’s prophet Jeremiah that it does not belong to man to direct his steps. (Acts 20:35; Galatians 6:7; Jeremiah 10:23) These Bible principles have proved true. Jesus also said: “Wisdom is proved righteous by its works.” (Matthew 11:19) If the Bible’s counsel really works in solving family problems, does it not deserve our respectful attention?

9, 10. (a) Why are helpful suggestions and natural affection not enough to enable one to enjoy a happy family life? (b) What else is needed? (Revelation 4:11)

⁹ Today, there are thousands of publications dealing with marriage and family life. Most contain at least some helpful information. Yet family life keeps deteriorating. Something more is needed, something that will give strength to resist the pressures that now threaten the family circle. Natural affection between a husband and wife and between parents and children gives strength. But even this is not proving to be enough to hold many families together when times of crisis arrive. What more is needed?

¹⁰ There needs to be not only a sense of responsibility and devotion to one’s mate or children or parents. Along with that, there needs to be an even greater sense of responsibility to the One of whom the Bible speaks as “the Father, to whom every family in heaven and on earth owes its name.” That One is the Originator of marriage and family life, mankind’s Creator, Jehovah God.—Ephesians 3:14, 15.

GOD’S INTEREST IN THE FAMILY ARRANGEMENT

11-13. What is God’s purpose regarding the earth and the human family?

¹¹ Jehovah God knows mankind’s needs and he wants us to be happy, so he gives us counsel on family life. But a grander purpose than this is reflected in his concern for families. The Bible explains what that purpose is. It shows that the earth did not just happen. We did not just happen. Jehovah God created the earth, purposed that it would exist forever and that it would be inhabited forever. The prophet Isaiah recorded: “He the One who firmly established it, who did not create it simply for nothing, . . . formed it even to be inhabited.”—Isaiah 45:18.

¹² To accomplish his purpose, God created the first human pair and told them to have a family: “Male and female he created them. Further, God blessed them and God said to them: ‘Be fruitful and become many and fill the earth.’” (Genesis 1:27, 28) His purpose further required them and their offspring to obey him and to take care of the earth. Genesis 2:15 states: “Jehovah God proceeded to take the man and settle him in the garden of Eden to cultivate it and to take care of it.” Eventually those gardenlike conditions would be extended to embrace the entire globe. Caring for the earth and using its resources would provide the earth-wide family of mankind with unending opportunities to learn and to find satisfaction in using their capabilities.

¹³ Now over 4,000,000,000 people are on the earth, but these multitudes do not fulfill Jehovah’s purpose for the earth. The majority do not obey him, nor do they care for the earth. Instead, they ruin it, polluting its air, water and soil. In harmony with God’s original purpose, he foretold not only that he would stop all of this, but also that he would “bring to ruin those ruining the earth.”—Revelation 11:18.

QUESTIONS WE NEED TO FACE

14. Why can we be confident that God’s purpose regarding family life will not fail?

¹⁴ God’s purpose regarding the earth and family life will not fail. “My word that goes forth from my mouth . . . will not return to me without results, but it will certainly do that in which I have delighted,” he declares. (Isaiah 55:11) God instituted the family arrangement and gave counsel for its operation. His guidelines answer the truly important questions on family life—some of which you may face.

15-17. (a) What do you consider to be some of the really important questions on family life? (b) Why is it good to find satisfying answers to these questions?

¹⁵ For example: How does a person find a compatible mate for marriage? In marriage, how may agreement be reached on thorny problems? Two minds are better than one, but, after consultation, which one makes the decisions? How can a husband get his wife’s respect, and why is this important to him? Why does a wife need her husband’s love, and what can she do to assure it?

¹⁶ How do you view children? Some view them as a status symbol, a source of inexpensive labor or old-age insurance; others view them as a burden. But the Bible calls them a blessing. What determines whether they will prove to be that? And when should their training start? Should there be discipline? If so, how much, and what kind? Must there be a generation gap within the family? Can it be closed? Better still, can it be prevented from ever opening up?

¹⁷ Finding the satisfying answers to these questions will do much to assure the happiness of your family life. More than that, it can give you the confidence that there is One of unsurpassed strength, kindness and wisdom to whom you can turn in any time of need, and who can guide your family to never-ending happiness.

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Chapter 2

Laying a Fine Foundation for Your Marriage

1-3. According to Matthew 7:24-27, on what does real success in life depend?

A HOUSE, a life or a marriage is only as good as the foundation on which it rests. In one of his illustrations Jesus spoke of two men—a wise one who built his house on solid rock and a foolish one who built on sandy soil. When a storm arose, and floodwaters and winds lashed the houses, the one on solid rock stood, but the one on sand fell with a great crash.

² Jesus was not teaching people how to build houses. He was emphasizing the need to build their lives on a fine foundation. As God’s messenger, he said: “Everyone that hears these sayings of mine and does them” is like the man building on solid rock. But “everyone hearing these sayings of mine and not doing them” is like the one building on sand.—Matthew 7:24-27.

³ Note that in both cases Jesus shows it is not just a matter of hearing wise counsel and knowing what to do. What makes the difference between success and failure is the doing of what the wise counsel says. “If you know these things, happy you are if you do them.”—John 13:17.

4. What are some things that we can learn from the marriage of the first human pair? (Genesis 2:22-3:19)

⁴ This is certainly true of marriage. If we build our marriage on a rocklike foundation, it will stand the stresses of life. But from where does this fine foundation come? From the Creator of marriage, Jehovah God. He started marriage when he brought the first human pair together as husband and wife. Then he gave them wise instructions for their own good. Whether they followed these wise instructions would determine whether they had an everlasting glorious future or no future at all. Both of them knew God’s instructions, but, sadly, they allowed selfishness to prevent them from obeying these guidelines. They chose to ignore the counsel and, as a result, their marriage and their lives collapsed like a storm-lashed house built on sand.

5, 6. What help does God provide for married persons and for those who are contemplating marriage?

⁵ Jehovah God brought that first pair together in marriage, but he does not personally make the marital arrangements for couples today. His wise counsel for happy marriages, however, is still available. It is up to each individual today who contemplates marriage to decide whether he will apply the counsel. God’s Word also shows that we can ask him for help in making a wise decision regarding a prospective mate.—James 1:5, 6.

⁶ Circumstances, of course, vary considerably in different parts of the earth. In many areas today men and women make their own selection of a marriage mate. But among a considerable part of earth’s population the parents work out the marriage, sometimes through a “matchmaker.” In some areas a man gets a wife only after paying a “bride price” to her parents, and the size of the price may even put the marriage out of the man’s reach. Whatever the circumstances, however, the Bible provides counsel that can help toward the enduring success of a marriage.

KNOW YOURSELF FIRST

7-10. (a) When contemplating marriage, what does a person need to know about himself? How can he find out? (b) What does the Bible say as to the validity of reasons for getting married?

⁷ What do you want out of marriage? What are your needs—physically, emotionally, spiritually? What are your values, your goals and your methods of reaching them? To answer these questions you must know yourself. This is not as easy as one might think. It takes emotional maturity to examine ourselves, and even then it is not possible to see ourselves as we really are in every detail. The Christian apostle Paul indicated this when he wrote, at 1 Corinthians 4:4: “I am not conscious of anything against myself. Yet by this I am not proved righteous, but he that examines me is Jehovah.”

⁸ On a certain occasion the Creator wanted the man Job to realize some facts that he was failing to discern, and God said to him: “Let me question you, and you inform me.” (Job 38:3) Questions can help us to know ourselves and to discover motives. So question yourself about your interest in marriage.

⁹ Do you want to get married to satisfy physical needs—food, clothing, shelter? Those needs are basic to all of us, as the Bible says: “Having sustenance and covering, we shall be content with these things.” And the need for sex? That is also a normal desire. “It is better to marry than to be inflamed with passion.” (1 Timothy 6:8; 1 Corinthians 7:9) Is it for companionship? That was a major reason why God established the marriage arrangement. Another was for two persons to cooperate together in work. (Genesis 2:18; 1:26-28) Accomplishing good work is a source of satisfaction and should have its reward: “Every man should eat and indeed drink and see good for all his hard work. It is the gift of God.”—Ecclesiastes 3:13.

¹⁰ Persons in love have long viewed the heart as a symbol of their feelings. The Bible, however, asks a disturbing question about the heart: “Who can know it?” (Jeremiah 17:9) Are you sure you know what is in your heart?

11. What basic emotional needs should be satisfied in marriage?

¹¹ Often, physical attraction blinds us to other emotional needs. In seeking a mate, do you give sufficient weight to your need for receiving understanding, kindness and compassion? Basic needs of all of us are: someone to be close to, to confide in, to reveal ourselves to without fear of being hurt; someone who will not shut “the door of his tender compassions” upon us. (1 John 3:17) Can you give all of this to your mate, and will he or she give it to you in return?

12. Why is the satisfying of physical and emotional needs not sufficient for a happy marriage?

¹² Jesus said: “Happy are those conscious of their spiritual need.” (Matthew 5:3) What is your spiritual need? Does it relate to seeking a career? Riches? Material possessions? Well, do these pursuits bring inner peace and contentment? Usually they do not. So we need to appreciate that within all persons there is a hunger of the spirit that remains, even after all the physical needs are satisfied. Our spirit hungers for identity—to know who we are, what we are, why we are here, and where we are going. Are you conscious of these spiritual needs, and of the way to meet them?

COMPATIBILITY

13. For a happy marriage, what must you discern in addition to your own needs?

¹³ If you understand all these needs of body, mind and spirit, do you know whether your prospective mate also understands them? You must not only know your own particular needs for happiness in marriage but also discern the needs of your mate. You surely want your mate to be happy also. Unhappiness for one will mean unhappiness for both.

14. In many marriages, why do mates find that they are incompatible?

¹⁴ Many marriages end up in unhappiness or divorce on the grounds of incompatibility. Incompatibility is a big word, but its importance in marriage is even bigger. If two persons are not well suited as a team, the going can be difficult. Such a situation brings to mind the provision of the Mosaic law that mercifully prohibited yoking together two animals of different build and strength, because of the hardship it would create. (Deuteronomy 22:10) So, too, with a man and a woman who are not well matched and yet are teamed up in marriage. When mates have different interests, different tastes in friends and recreational activities, and few things in common, the marital bonds come under great strain.

15, 16. What are some matters that should be discussed with a prospective marriage mate, and how?

¹⁵ “There is a frustrating of plans where there is no confidential talk,” the Bible tells us. (Proverbs 15:22) In considering marriage, have practical matters been discussed? How will the man’s work fit into the marriage? It will determine where you live and how much money will be coming in to meet practical needs. Who will handle the budget? Is there need for the wife to work, and is that desirable? What is to be the relationship with in-laws, especially the parents of both parties? How does each one feel about sex, children and the training of children? Does one want to dominate the other, or will kind consideration govern the relationship?

¹⁶ Can all these questions, and others as well, be discussed calmly and logically, and settled in a way that both of you can live with comfortably? Can problems be faced and solved together, and the channel of communication be kept always open? That is the lifeline of a successful marriage.

17-19. Why do family backgrounds have a bearing on compatibility in marriage?

¹⁷ Greater compatibility usually exists between two persons having similar backgrounds. The book Aid to Bible Understanding, page 1114, states about marriage in Bible times:

“It seems to have been generally customary for a man to look for a wife within the circle of his own relations or tribe. This principle is indicated by Laban’s statement to Jacob: ‘It is better for me to give [my daughter] to you than for me to give her to another man.’ (Genesis 29:19) Especially was this observed among the worshipers of Jehovah, as exemplified by Abraham, who sent to his relatives in his own country to get a wife for his son Isaac rather than to take one from the daughters of the Canaanites among whom he was dwelling. (Genesis 24:3, 4)”

¹⁸ Of course, this does not mean it is advisable for a person today to marry a very close relative, for this could produce genetic problems that might result in defective offspring. But family backgrounds do have much to do with the set of values people have. During childhood and youth a person’s conduct and feelings are naturally influenced by the family atmosphere. When the backgrounds of both parties are similar, they usually find it easier to ‘grow in the same soil and flourish in the same climate.’ However, persons with different backgrounds and origins can also make good adjustments in marriage, especially if both are mature emotionally.

¹⁹ Clearly it is beneficial if you can know something about your prospective mate’s family. But also see how he or she relates to the family—to parents and brothers and sisters. How does he or she treat older persons, or get along with young children?

20, 21. In selecting a mate, what view should be taken of individual shortcomings?

²⁰ Notwithstanding all the precautions taken, you must still remember this: Compatibility between two persons will never be perfect. Both will have shortcomings. Some they may discern before marriage; some they will become aware of later. What then?

²¹ It is not the shortcomings themselves that make marriages fail, but it is how the partner feels about them. Can you see that the good outweighs the flaws, or do you focus on the bad and harp on that? Are you flexible enough to make allowances, just as you need and want allowances to be made for you? The apostle Peter said, “Love covers a multitude of sins.” (1 Peter 4:8) Do you have this kind of love for the one you contemplate marrying? If not, it would be better for you not to marry that person.

‘I CAN CHANGE HIM’

22-24. Why is it unwise to marry someone on the basis of his promise to change his ways or with the intent of trying to change the person?

²² Do you say, ‘I can change him’ or ‘her,’ as the case may be? But with whom are you in love? With the person as he or she is, or as that one will be after your remodeling efforts? It is difficult to change ourselves, much more so to change others. However, powerful truths from God’s Word can cause the individual to change himself. A person can “put away the old personality,” being made new in the force actuating the mind. (Ephesians 4:22, 23) But be very skeptical of a prospective mate’s promise to make a sudden change for you! Though bad habits can be corrected or modified, this may take time, even years. Nor can we ignore the fact that inherited traits and environmental factors have given us specific temperaments and molded us in certain ways to make us distinct individuals. True love can move us to help one another to improve and to overcome weaknesses, but it will not move us to try to force a mate into a new and unnatural mold that crushes his or her personality.

²³ Some have in their minds an image of their ideal, and they try to fit every passing infatuation of theirs into this image. Of course, no one can measure up to an impossible dream, but the infatuated one hangs on tenaciously and tries to force the other person to fulfill it. When this fails, he or she is disillusioned and searches elsewhere to find the imaginary ideal. But such ones never find their ideal. They seek a dream person that does not exist beyond their own fantasies. Persons who think like that are not good marriage material.

²⁴ Perhaps you have had such dreams. Most of us have at certain times in our lives; many young people do. But with increased emotional maturity we realize that such fantasies must be put aside as impractical. In marriage what counts is reality, not mere imagination.

25. What is the difference between real love and infatuation?

²⁵ Real love is not as blind as many think. It will cover a multitude of shortcomings, but real love is not oblivious to them. It is infatuation, not love, that is blind, refusing to see the problems others can foresee. It even submerges its own nagging doubts; but be assured they will surface later on. Close your eyes to unpleasant facts during courtship and you will certainly face them after the wedding. Our natural inclination is to put on our best appearance with someone we hope to please or attract, but in time the full and true picture is seen. Allow yourself that time to see the other person as he or she really is, and be honest in presenting yourself as you actually are. The apostle’s exhortation at 1 Corinthians 14:20 could also apply in seeking a mate: “Do not become young children . . . become full-grown in powers of understanding.”

COMMITMENTS MADE IN MARRIAGE

26. According to the Scriptures, how binding is the marriage tie? (Romans 7:2, 3)

²⁶ One should soberly consider the commitments made in marriage. If the commitment of either person is not strong and solid, the marriage will rest on a shaky foundation. In many parts of the world today, marriages are made and then quickly broken. Often it is because the persons entering the marriage did not view the commitment as morally binding, taking the position instead that ‘if it doesn’t work out, I’ll end it.’ Where that viewpoint exists, the marriage is almost doomed from the start and, rather than bringing happiness, generally produces only heartache. The Bible, by contrast, shows that marriage should be a lifelong relationship. God said, of the first pair, that the two “must become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:18, 23, 24) For the man there was to be no other woman, and for the woman no other man. God’s Son reaffirmed this, saying: “They are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has yoked together let no man put apart.” Only sexual unfaithfulness would be a just basis for breaking the marital bond.—Matthew 19:3-9.

27-29. (a) What does a woman do well to look for in a prospective marriage mate? (b) What might a man wisely look for in a prospective marriage mate?

²⁷ In view of the seriousness of marriage, a woman who wants to be successful in it does well to marry only a man that she can respect—one who is stable and balanced, has sound judgment, is able to handle responsibility and is mature enough to accept helpful criticism. Ask yourself: Will he be a good provider, a good father to any children that may bless the union? Does he have high moral standards so that you can both be firmly resolved to keep the marriage bed honorable and undefiled? Does he manifest humility and modesty or is he proud and opinionated, one who wants to flaunt his headship, who thinks he is always right and is unwilling to reason on matters? By associating with the man for a sufficient time before marriage, these things can be discerned, especially if Bible principles are held to as the standard for judgment.

²⁸ Similarly, a man who takes the success of his marriage seriously will seek a wife that he can love as his own flesh. She should complement him as a partner in establishing a home. (Genesis 2:18) Being a good homemaker is a demanding career of varied responsibilities. It calls for demonstrating talents as a cook, decorator, economist, mother, teacher, and much more. Her role can be creative and challenging, offering many opportunities for personal growth and fulfillment. A good wife, like a worthwhile husband, is a worker: “She is watching over the goings on of her household, and the bread of laziness she does not eat.”—Proverbs 31:27.

²⁹ Yes, both do well to give thought to what they see—to evidence of personal cleanliness and orderliness or lack of it; of diligence or, instead, of laziness; of reasonableness and consideration as opposed to stubbornness and egotism; of thriftiness or of wastefulness; of thinking ability that makes for enjoyable conversation and spiritual enrichment as contrasted with mental laziness that makes life a monotonous routine of caring for daily physical needs and little else.

30, 31. Why can immoral conduct during courtship hinder one’s enjoying a good marriage?

³⁰ Sincere respect for each other is a key ingredient to a successful marriage. And this also applies to expressions of affection during courtship. Undue familiarity or unbridled passion can cheapen the relationship before the marriage begins. Sexual immorality is not a good foundation on which to begin building a marriage. It betrays a selfish unconcern for the other person’s future happiness. The fierce heat of passion that momentarily seems to forge an unbreakable bond can quickly cool and, within weeks or even days, the marriage may turn to ashes.—Compare the account of Amnon’s passion for Tamar related at 2 Samuel 13:1-19.

³¹ Displays of passion in courtship can sow seeds of doubt that later give rise to uncertainty as to the real motive for the marriage. Was it merely to provide an outlet for passion, or was it to share life with someone who is genuinely appreciated and loved as a person? Lack of self-control before marriage frequently foreshadows lack of it afterward, with resulting infidelity and unhappiness. (Galatians 5:22, 23) Bad memories left by premarital immorality can hinder a smooth emotional adjustment to marriage in its early stages.

32. How can immoral conduct during courtship affect one’s relationship with God?

³² Even more serious, such immorality damages one’s relationship with our Creator, whose help we seriously need. “For this is what God wills, the sanctifying of you, that you abstain from fornication; . . . that no one go to the point of harming and encroach upon the rights of his brother [or, reasonably, of one’s sister] in this matter . . . So, then, the man that shows disregard is disregarding, not man, but God, who puts his holy spirit in you.”—1 Thessalonians 4:3-8.

A ROCK FOUNDATION

33, 34. When one is choosing a marriage mate, what qualities do the Scriptures show to be far more important than physical appearance?

³³ Will your household, your family, rest on a foundation of rock or one of sand? In part it depends on the degree of wisdom used when selecting a mate. Beauty and sex are not enough. They do not erase mental and spiritual incompatibility. The counsel in God’s Word is what provides a rock foundation in marriage.

³⁴ The Bible shows that the inner person is more important than the outward appearance. “Charm may be false, and prettiness may be vain,” says the inspired proverb, “but the woman that fears Jehovah is the one that procures praise for herself.” (Proverbs 31:30) The apostle Peter, a married man, speaks of “the secret person of the heart” and “the quiet and mild spirit” as being “of great value in the eyes of God.” (1 Peter 3:4) God ‘does not go by a man’s outward appearance,’ and we can benefit from his example by guarding against being unduly influenced by just the external appearance of the prospective marriage mate.—1 Samuel 16:7.

35, 36. (a) Why is it important to marry a person who has faith in God and in his Word? (b) To what extent would you expect a prospective mate to be manifesting that faith?

³⁵ Wise King Solomon contemplated life and came to this conclusion: “Fear the true God and keep his commandments. For this is the whole obligation of man.” (Ecclesiastes 12:13) The Israelites, in covenant to obey God’s law, were specifically commanded not to make marriages with persons who did not share their form of worship, lest it draw them way from the true God. “You must form no marriage alliance with them. Your daughter you must not give to his son, and his daughter you must not take for your son. For he will turn your son from following me, and they will certainly serve other gods.”—Deuteronomy 7:3, 4.

³⁶ For similar reasons the admonition was given to those in God’s “new covenant,” those in the Christian congregation, to marry only “in the Lord.” (Jeremiah 31:31-33; 1 Corinthians 7:39) Rather than manifesting bigotry, this is motivated by wisdom and love. Nothing can give greater strength to marriage ties than mutual devotion to the Creator. If you marry a person who has faith in God and in his Word, and who understands it as you do, then you will have a common authority for counsel. You may not feel this to be vital, but “do not be misled. Bad associations spoil useful habits.” (1 Corinthians 15:33) Even within the Christian congregation, however, one does well to be sure that a prospective marriage partner is really a wholehearted servant of God, not one who is trying to live on the fringe of Christianity while leaning heavily toward the attitudes and practices of the world. You cannot walk with God and run with the world.—James 4:4.

37, 38. (a) Why should one avoid rushing into either courtship or marriage? (b) To whose counsel do those considering marriage do well to listen?

³⁷ “Who of you that wants to build a tower,” Jesus asked, “does not first sit down and calculate the expense, to see if he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, he might lay its foundation but not be able to finish it.” (Luke 14:28, 29) The same principle applies to marriage. Since God views marriage as a lifelong union, the selection of a mate should certainly not be rushed. And be sure that you yourself are ready to finish what you have begun. Even courtship is not something to take lightly, like a game. Playing with another’s affections is a cruel sport and the emotional bruises and heartache it causes can last a long time.—Proverbs 10:23; 13:12.

³⁸ Prudent young people considering marriage do well to listen to the counsel of older persons, especially those who have shown that they have your best interests at heart. Job 12:12 reminds us of the value of this by asking: “Is there not wisdom among the aged and understanding in length of days?” Listen to these voices of experience. Above all, “trust in Jehovah with all your heart and do not lean upon your own understanding. In all your ways take notice of him, and he himself will make your paths straight.”—Proverbs 3:5, 6.

39. How can the Bible be of assistance to persons who are already married?

³⁹ Many who read these words may already be married. Though to some extent your foundation has already been laid, the Bible can aid you to make adjustments where needed, with rewarding results. Whatever the state of your marriage, it can be enhanced by further reflection on the Creator’s counsel on family happiness.

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Can your marriage withstand stormy times?

Chapter 3

After the Wedding Day

1. How could the kind of cooperation that is described at Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10 benefit one’s marriage?

YOUR wedding is past, and you and your mate are settling down as a new family unit. Is your happiness complete? You are no longer alone but have a companion to confide in, to share your joys and also your problems. Do you find Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10 true in your case?—“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their hard work. For if one of them should fall, the other one can raise his partner up. But how will it be with just the one who falls when there is not another to raise him up?” Is your marriage flourishing with this kind of cooperation? It usually takes some time and effort for this happy blending of two lives. But in many marriages, sad to say, it never happens.

2, 3. (a) What realities of life must be faced after the wedding day? (b) Why is it only reasonable to expect that adjustments will have to be made after a person gets married?

² In romantic tales, the problem often is getting the two who are in love together. But then they live happily ever after. In real life, it is living happily afterward, day by day, that presents the true challenge. After the delights of the wedding day comes the daily routine of life: getting up early, going to work, shopping, cooking meals, washing dishes, cleaning the house, and so on.

³ The marriage relationship requires adjustments. You both entered into it with at least some expectations and ideals that were not very practical and realistic. When these are not met, some disappointment may come after the first few weeks. But, remember, you have made a big change in your life. You are no longer living alone or with a family that you have been with all your life. You are now with a new person, one you may be discovering that you don’t know as well as you thought you did. Your schedule is new, your work may be new, your budget is different, and there are new friends and in-laws to get used to. The success of your marriage and your happiness depend upon your willingness to adjust.

ARE YOU FLEXIBLE?

4. What Scriptural principles could help a married person to make adjustments? (1 Corinthians 10:24; Philippians 4:5)

⁴ Some, because of pride, find it difficult to be flexible. But, as the Bible says, “pride comes before disaster, and arrogance before a fall.” To persist in stubbornness can be calamitous. (Proverbs 16:18, New English Bible) Jesus recommended that one be willing to bend and yield when he said that if anyone wanted your “inner garment, let your outer garment also go to him,” and if someone wanted you to go “for a mile, go with him two miles.” Rather than your arguing with someone close to you, the apostle Paul asked: “Why do you not rather let yourselves be wronged?” (Matthew 5:40, 41; 1 Corinthians 6:7) If Christians can go to such extremes to keep peace with others, surely two married persons in love should be able to adjust in order to make a success of their new relationship.

5. How might one think positively or negatively about one’s marriage mate?

⁵ There are opportunities everywhere for one to be either happy or unhappy. To which will you be alert? Will you focus on the positive or dwell on the negative? The new wife may think: ‘Now that we are married, where is that romantic man who used to take me out to interesting places and spend time with me? He’s settled into a rut. He takes me for granted. He’s certainly not the man I knew before!’ Or does she understand and appreciate that he now works hard to be a good provider for his family? And does this new husband notice that his wife works hard to cook and clean, at times is very tired and does not have as much time to spend trying to look glamorous? Or does he say to himself: ‘What’s happened to that attractive young lady that I married? She’s changed, now that she has her man’?

6. When husband and wife really work to make their marriage succeed, how does this affect their relationship with each other?

⁶ Both should be mature and realize that neither one has the time or the energy to do all the things that were done before marriage. Now is the time to show flexibility and accept the deeply satisfying responsibility of making marriage work. One person can ruin a marriage, but it takes two to make it work. Making marriage work is an achievement. Achievement implies accomplishing something despite difficulties. When the two of you join in this endeavor, a part of each of you blends into this achievement. This joint effort with a mutual goal ties you together; it binds you close; it makes the two of you one. In time this creates a bond of love surpassing anything felt in anticipation of marriage, and in such unifying happiness it becomes a pleasure to adjust to each other’s differences.

7. If decisions must be made, when is it good to be yielding?

⁷ Pride fades as love grows, and there is happiness not only in giving but also in giving in, yielding, when personal preference, and not principle, is involved. It may be the buying of some item for the house, or how to spend a vacation. When concern for the other’s happiness is shown, the couple begin to fit the apostle Paul’s words: “Keeping an eye, not in personal interest upon just your own matters, but also in personal interest upon those of the others.”—Philippians 2:4.

A BALANCED VIEW OF SEX

8, 9. What is the Scriptural view of marital intimacies?

⁸ The Bible is not prudish about sexual intercourse. By poetic figures of speech it shows the ecstasy this should bring to husband and wife; it also emphasizes that sex should be restricted to husband and wife. This passage is found at Proverbs 5:15-21:

“Drink water out of your own cistern, and tricklings out of the midst of your own well. Should your springs be scattered out of doors, your streams of water in the public squares themselves? Let them prove to be for you alone, and not for strangers with you. Let your water source prove to be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth, a lovable hind and a charming mountain goat. Let her own breasts intoxicate you at all times. With her love may you be in an ecstasy constantly. So why should you, my son, be in an ecstasy with a strange woman or embrace the bosom of a foreign woman? For the ways of man are in front of the eyes of Jehovah, and he is contemplating all his tracks.”

⁹ However, it would be a mistake to overemphasize sex to the point of making it seem that the success of the marriage hinges on the couple’s sex life, or that it could compensate for serious shortcomings in other areas of the relationship. The flood of sexual material from books, movies and commercials—much of it designed to stir erotic desire—makes sex seem that vital. However, God’s Word disagrees, recommending self-control in all areas of life. Even in marriage, throwing off all restraint can lead to practices that cheapen the marital relationship.—Galatians 5:22, 23; Hebrews 13:4.

10. What are some things to consider that could help a married couple to adjust sexually?

¹⁰ Adjusting sexually is frequently difficult and may take some time after the wedding. This is usually due to a lack of knowledge and a failure to discern the needs of one’s partner. Talking to a respected married friend beforehand may help. Not only are a man and a woman made differently, they also feel differently. Consideration for the woman’s need for tenderness is important. But there should be no negative feeling of false modesty or prudery or feeling that sex is somehow shameful. Neither should it become an occasion of conquest, as it does with some men. “Let the husband render to his wife her due,” the Bible says, and “let the wife also do likewise to her husband.” And in so doing, this Bible principle is appropriate: “Let each one keep seeking, not his own advantage, but that of the other person.” If there is such love and desire to please on both sides, a good adjustment will be made.—1 Corinthians 7:3; 10:24.

DISAGREE WITHOUT BEING DISAGREEABLE

11-13. When there are disagreements, what should we keep in mind so that the differences do not develop into serious rifts?

¹¹ No two individuals on earth are exactly the same. Each one is distinctly different. This also means that no two people will agree on everything. Most of the disagreements may be trivial, but some of them may be serious. There are homes in which disagreements quickly give rise to shouting, pushing, hitting and things being thrown; one mate or the other may leave for a period of days or weeks, or they may simply quit talking to each other. It is quite possible to disagree without having such a situation develop. How? By facing up to a certain basic truth.

¹² All of us are imperfect, all have flaws, and, despite the best of intentions, weaknesses manifest themselves. The apostle Paul found this to be true in his case: “The good that I wish I do not do, but the bad that I do not wish is what I practice.” (Romans 7:19) We have inherited sin from our first parents. Perfection is beyond our powers. So “who can say: ‘I have cleansed my heart; I have become pure from my sin’?”—Proverbs 20:9; Psalm 51:5; Romans 5:12.

¹³ We accept our own weaknesses and make excuses for them. Can we not accept and excuse those of our marriage partner? We doubtless will readily acknowledge that we are sinners, but do we become defensive and reluctant to admit to a specific sin? And do we have the insight to understand that this reluctance to admit being in the wrong is typical of people, including our marriage partner, and do we make allowances? “The insight of a man certainly slows down his anger, and it is beauty on his part to pass over transgression,” says the inspired proverb. Doubtless you, like just about everyone else, subscribe to the principle of the “golden rule.” Jesus stated it in his famous Sermon on the Mount: “All things, therefore, that you want men to do to you, you also must likewise do to them.” Most people give it lip service; few practice it. Its sincere application would solve the problems of human relationships, including marital ones.—Proverbs 19:11; Matthew 7:12.

14, 15. (a) What can result when one unfavorably compares one’s marriage mate with another person? (b) Regarding what matters are such comparisons at times unwisely made?

¹⁴ We each like to be thought of and treated as an individual. When a person compares us unfavorably with someone else, perhaps viewing our qualities or abilities as inferior, how do we react? Generally we feel hurt or resentful. In effect we say, ‘But I am not that person. I am ME.’ Such comparisons are generally not motivating, because we want to be treated in an understanding way.

¹⁵ To illustrate the point: Do you, the husband, express appreciation for the meals that your wife prepares or do you complain that she can’t cook like your mother? How do you know how well your mother could cook when she was newly married? Maybe your wife does better than she did. Give your wife a chance to grow into her new duties and become proficient in them. And do you, the wife, complain that your new husband doesn’t bring home the salary your father does? What did your father earn when he was newly married? Even that doesn’t matter. What matters is the help you give your husband. Do you get up and make breakfast for him before he goes to work, so that he feels you support and appreciate his efforts? Does either one bicker with the other one over the in-laws, or disagree over the friendships to be cultivated or recreation to be engaged in? These and other disagreements may arise. How will you work them out?

16. What is wrong with the theory that violent quarrels help to resolve difficulties?

¹⁶ Some modern psychologists contend that quarrels are useful in resolving difficulties. Their theory is that frustrations build up, generate pressure and finally explode into a violent quarrel. In the heat of such angry exchanges, resentments long held in are blurted out, aired and disposed of—so the theory goes. Until this happens, the frustrations are held within to simmer and stew, and then boil over at a later time. But there is grave danger that such heated outbursts may cause you to say things you do not mean, and wounds may be inflicted that are beyond healing. You may wrong the other person so severely that a barrier is raised that you cannot thereafter breach. As Proverbs 18:19 warns: “A brother who is transgressed against is more than a strong town; and there are contentions that are like the bar of a dwelling tower.” The sound counsel found in the Bible is: “Quit before the quarrel breaks out.”—Proverbs 17:14, Revised Standard Version.

COMMUNICATE!

17. What might be done to prevent disagreements from building up inside oneself and reaching explosive proportions?

¹⁷ Far better than letting disagreements build up inside you until they reach explosive proportions, discuss them as they arise. Brooding over a wrong almost always causes it to seem worse than it really is. Discuss it now or forget it. Is it only a passing remark? Let it pass. Does it need discussing? Has your mate done something that distresses you? Don’t bluntly condemn; try raising the point in question form, or making a suggestion that will open it up for discussion. For example, you might say: ‘Honey, there is something I don’t understand. Could you help me?’ Then listen. Try to understand the other person’s viewpoint. Heed the warning of Proverbs 18:13: “When anyone is replying to a matter before he hears it, that is foolishness on his part and a humiliation.” None of us like it when someone jumps to wrong conclusions about us. So, rather than react quickly, endeavor to discern the intent or motive behind the act. Do as Proverbs 20:5 advises: “Counsel in the heart of a man is as deep waters, but the man of discernment is one that will draw it up.”

18. What might help us to dispel negative moods?

¹⁸ Are you given to moods? A moody person is difficult to live with. Some contend that moods are beyond our control, being governed by chemicals in the brain. Whether that is so or not, feelings are contagious. We may be either cheered up or depressed by those around us. Music can create various kinds of moods in us. Stories also can do this. The thoughts we harbor in our minds affect the way we feel. If you brood on negative things you will be depressed; by an act of will you can force the mind to think positive, optimistic thoughts. Think on them. (Philippians 4:8) If you find this difficult, try some vigorous physical activity—do some hard work, even if it’s hoeing weeds or scrubbing a floor; get out and jog or walk in the woods, or, better yet, find something helpful to do for someone else—anything to direct your attention and energies elsewhere. It is far better to nourish a good mood than to nurse a bad one. And it’s much more fun, for you and most certainly for your mate!

19. How might one deal understandingly with the moods of one’s marriage mate?

¹⁹ However, there are times when events grieve you deeply, or severe illness and pain afflict you. Or, in the case of your wife, monthly cycles and pregnancy greatly vary the secretion of powerful hormones that affect the nervous system and the emotions. A woman may be experiencing premenstrual tension without being consciously aware of it. It is a major factor that the husband should keep in mind so that, instead of becoming exasperated, he can show insight. In such special circumstances both husband and wife should recognize what is responsible for any change of temperament and respond in an upbuilding way. “The heart of the wise one causes his mouth to show insight, and to his lips it adds persuasiveness.” And, “a true companion is loving all the time, and is a brother that is born for when there is distress.”—Proverbs 16:23; 17:17.

20-22. (a) Why is undue jealousy to be avoided? (b) What might be done to give one’s marriage mate a feeling of security?

²⁰ Is your marriage partner jealous? It is proper for a person to be jealous of his reputation, and of his marriage also. As adrenaline will start a heart beating again, so jealousy arouses the soul to the defense of something cherished. The opposite of jealousy is indifference, and we should not be indifferent to our marriage.

²¹ But there is another kind of jealousy, one induced by insecurity and fed by the imagination. Such unreasoning, overly possessive jealousy turns the marriage into an unpleasant prison where trust and true love cannot survive. “Love is not jealous” in such a manner, and obsessive jealousy “is rottenness to the bones.”—1 Corinthians 13:4; Proverbs 14:30.

²² If your mate has just cause for feeling insecure due to jealousy, remove that cause immediately. If there is no real cause, do all in your power to build up the confidence of the jealous one, by words and even more importantly by your actions. Reach for the heart!

23. What might beneficially be considered when a person is inclined to seek the help of outsiders in resolving marital problems?

²³ Can outsiders be of help in resolving disagreements between married persons? Possibly, but they should not be called in unless both marriage partners agree to it. First, “plead your own cause with your fellowman, and do not reveal the confidential talk of another.” (Proverbs 25:9) There is a special risk in asking in-laws to arbitrate. They are not likely to be impartial. Wisely, the Bible says: “A man will leave his father and his mother and he must stick to his wife.” (Genesis 2:24) The same applies to the wife in relation to her parents and her husband. Instead of asking parents or in-laws to arbitrate, taking sides with one mate against the other, the husband and wife should stick together, recognizing their problems as ones that they share and that need to be worked out together. To appeal to outsiders without the other partner’s consent demeans both in the eyes of others. If you will communicate openly, honestly and lovingly, there is no reason why you should not be able to solve your problems yourselves. Other mature persons may be consulted for advice, but the solution ultimately rests with you and your mate.

24, 25. What might a person do if pride interferes with the resolving of a marriage problem?

²⁴ “Do not be conceited or think too highly of yourself,” the apostle Paul advises. (Romans 12:3, New English Bible) He then adds: “In showing honor to one another take the lead.” (Romans 12:10) Sometimes when our pride is injured it helps to reflect that we are not really so big. Certainly we are not big in comparison to the earth, and the earth is itself small in the solar system, which, in turn, is tiny in the universe. In Jehovah’s eyes “all the nations are as something nonexistent . . . as nothing and an unreality they have been accounted to him.” (Isaiah 40:17) Such thoughts help to keep things in perspective, to see that disagreements may not involve such vital things after all.

²⁵ At times a sense of humor may also help us to keep from taking ourselves too seriously. To be able to laugh at yourself is a mark of maturity and smooths out many rough spots in life.

“CAST YOUR BREAD UPON THE WATERS”

26, 27. What Bible principles should be applied when one’s marriage mate does not respond to efforts to settle differences peacefully, and why?

²⁶ What if your mate does not respond to your efforts to solve differences peacefully? Follow the Bible’s advice: “Return evil for evil to no one.” Jesus is our model to copy: “When he was being reviled, he did not go reviling in return.” The common practice among persons is to return like for like. But if you take this course you let others shape you, make you what you are. Actually, they make you what they are. To let this happen is to deny yourself, what you stand for, the principles you hold dear. Instead, copy Jesus, who holds true to what he is, unchanged by the weaknesses of those around him: “If we are unfaithful, he remains faithful, for he cannot deny himself.”—Romans 12:17; 1 Peter 2:23; 2 Timothy 2:13.

²⁷ If you are strong enough to stop a cycle of evil with good, you may start a cycle of good. “An answer, when mild, turns away rage.” (Proverbs 15:1) A mild answer does not come from weakness but springs from strength, and your mate will sense this. Since so many return like for like, your breakthrough with goodness may switch the cycle from evil to good. Certain scriptures indicate this. “The one freely watering others will himself also be freely watered.” “With the measure that you are measuring out, they will measure out to you in return.” “Cast your bread upon the waters, for you will find it after many days.“ (Proverbs 11:25; Luke 6:38; Ecclesiastes 11:1, Revised Standard Version) It may take time for your goodness to bring in a harvest of good from your mate. You don’t sow seed one day and reap on the next. Nevertheless, “whatever a man is sowing, this he will also reap; . . . So let us not give up in doing what is fine, for in due season we shall reap if we do not tire out.”—Galatians 6:7-9.

28. What are some of the fine principles found in the Bible book of Proverbs that can help to promote a happy married life, and how?

²⁸ Here are some scriptures and questions for married couples to consider:

Proverbs 14:29: “He that is slow to anger is abundant in discernment, but one that is impatient is exalting foolishness.” If you give yourself time to think, do you not often discover that there’s no good cause to be angry?

Proverbs 17:27: “Anyone holding back his sayings is possessed of knowledge, and a man of discernment is cool of spirit.” Do you keep your spirit cool, and hold back words that would make your mate’s spirit hot?

Proverbs 25:11: “As apples of gold in silver carvings is a word spoken at the right time for it.” The word that is right at one time may be wrong for another time. Are you perceptive as to what is the right word at the right time?

Proverbs 12:18: “There exists the one speaking thoughtlessly as with the stabs of a sword, but the tongue of the wise ones is a healing.” Before you speak, do you stop and think what effect your words will have on your mate?

Proverbs 10:19: “In the abundance of words there does not fail to be transgression, but the one keeping his lips in check is acting discreetly.” Sometimes when upset we say more than we mean, and we are sorry afterwards. Do you guard against this?

Proverbs 20:3: “It is a glory for a man to desist from disputing, but everyone foolish will burst out in it.” It takes two to argue. Are you mature enough to be the one to stop?

Proverbs 10:12: “Hatred is what stirs up contentions, but love covers over even all transgressions.” Do you continually rehash old disputes, or do you love your mate enough to put them behind you?

Proverbs 14:9, “New English Bible”: “A fool is too arrogant to make amends; upright men know what reconciliation means.” Are you too proud to make concessions and seek peace in your marriage?

Proverbs 26:20: “Where there is no wood the fire goes out.” Can you stop arguing, or must you have the last word?

Ephesians 4:26: “Let the sun not set with you in a provoked state.” Do you dwell on differences and thereby prolong the misery for both yourself and your mate?

29. What are some basics to keep in mind when seeking to maintain a happy marriage?

²⁹ Wise counsel benefits only when it is put into practice. Try it out. Similarly, be willing to try the suggestion your mate makes. See if it works. Who is to blame if something goes wrong? That’s not important. What is important is how things can be made right. Be flexible, air differences, talk them out, and don’t take yourself too seriously. Communicate! If you ‘love your mate as you do yourself,’ it should not be too difficult to adjust to the marriage relationship and to make it a happy one.—Matthew 19:19.