Secret 1: The Right Priorities

“Make sure of the more important things.”​—Philippians 1:10.

What this means. In successful marriages, each spouse puts the other’s needs ahead of self, possessions, job, friends, and even other relatives. Husband and wife spend plenty of time with each other and with the children. Both are willing to make sacrifices for the interests of the family.​—Philippians 2:4.

Why it matters. The Bible places high importance on the family. In fact, the apostle Paul wrote that a person who does not provide for his family “is worse than a person without faith.” (1 Timothy 5:8) Yet, over time, a person’s priorities may change. For example, one family counselor noted that many who attended a conference he held seemed more focused on career than on family. He says it was as if they expected to learn “quick-fix techniques” so that they could “check ‘family’ off their ‘to do’ list and get back to focusing on their professions.” The lesson? It is easier to say that we put family first than to show it.

Try this exercise. Rate your sense of priority, using the following questions as a guide.

◼ When my spouse or child needs to talk, do I give that person my attention as soon as possible?

◼ When talking to others about my activities, do I often find myself discussing things I do with my family?

◼ Would I turn down added responsibility (on the job or elsewhere) if my family needed my time?

If you answered yes to the above questions, you might assume that you have the right priorities. But how would your spouse and children rate you? How we see ourselves is not the only yardstick by which our priorities are measured. And that same principle holds true with the other secrets to success that will be discussed on the following pages.

Make a resolve. Think of one or two ways in which you could demonstrate that your family comes first. (For example: Think of cutting back on things that may be intruding on the time that would be better spent with your spouse and children.)

Why not share your resolves with your family? When one member shows willingness to change, the others are more likely to follow.

[Picture on page 3]

A winning parent places high priority on spouse and children

Secret 2: Commitment

“What God has yoked together let no man put apart.”​—Matthew 19:6.

What this means. Successful couples view their marriage as a permanent union. When a problem arises, they strive to solve it rather than use it as an excuse to abandon the marriage. When spouses have a sense of commitment, they feel secure. Each trusts that the other will continue to honor the union.

Why it matters. In many ways, commitment is the backbone of a marriage relationship. Yet, after repeated conflicts, commitment can seem more like a trap than a trust. In effect, “till death do us part” becomes little more than a cold contract​—one that the mates wish had loopholes. They might not abandon the marriage literally, but they could “walk out” in other ways​—for example, by retreating into stony silence when serious issues need to be discussed.

Try this exercise. Rate your level of commitment, using the following questions as a guide.

◼ When we are in the midst of a dispute, do I find myself regretting that I married my spouse?

◼ Do I often daydream about being with someone other than my spouse?

◼ Do I sometimes tell my spouse, “I’m leaving you” or “I’m going to find someone who appreciates me”?

Make a resolve. Think of one or two actions you could take to strengthen your commitment. (Some ideas: Write an occasional note to your spouse, keep photos of your spouse on display at work, or phone your spouse each day from work, just to stay in touch.)

Why not come up with several suggestions and then ask your spouse which would be most meaningful to him or her?

[Picture on page 4]

Commitment is like a guardrail that prevents your marriage from going off course

[Credit Line]

© Corbis/​age fotostock

Secret 3: Teamwork

“Two are better than one . . . If one of them should fall, the other one can raise his partner up.”​—Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10.

What this means. Successful couples respect God’s headship arrangement as outlined in the Bible. (Ephesians 5:22-24) Nevertheless, both husband and wife view their marriage in terms of “ours” and “we” rather than “mine” and “me.” When there is teamwork, husband and wife are no longer single at heart. They are “one flesh”​—a Bible term that describes not only the permanence of the union but also its intimacy.​—Genesis 2:24.

Why it matters. If you and your spouse are not a team, minor events may quickly become major issues with each of you attacking the other rather than the problem at hand. In contrast, when you and your spouse are a team, you become like pilot and copilot with the same flight plan rather than two pilots on a collision course. When you disagree, you work out practical solutions instead of wasting time and emotional energy blaming and accusing.

Try this exercise. Rate your spirit of teamwork by answering the following questions.

◼ Do I view the money I earn as “all mine,” since I am the one who earned it?

◼ Do I keep my distance from my spouse’s relatives, even though he or she is close to them?

◼ To relax fully, do I need to be away from my spouse?

Make a resolve. Think of one or two ways you could show yourself to be more team-oriented with your spouse.

Why not ask your spouse what he or she would suggest?

[Picture on page 5]

Teamwork means that you are pilot and copilot with the same flight plan

Secret 4: Respect

“Let all . . . screaming and abusive speech be taken away from you.”​—Ephesians 4:31.

What this means. Both troubled and successful families have disagreements. But successful families discuss matters without resorting to sarcasm, insults, and other forms of abusive speech. Family members treat one another as they themselves would like to be treated.​—Matthew 7:12.

Why it matters. Words can become weapons producing devastating effects. A Bible proverb says: “It is better to be living in a waste land, than with a bitter-tongued and angry woman.” (Proverbs 21:19, The Bible in Basic English) Of course, the same could be said of a bitter-tongued man. And when it comes to parenting, the Bible states: “Do not be exasperating your children, so that they do not become downhearted.” (Colossians 3:21) Children who are constantly criticized may come to feel that it is impossible to please their parents. They may even give up trying.

Try this exercise. Rate the level of respect in your family by answering the following questions.

◼ In my family, do disagreements usually end with one person storming out of the room?

◼ When I speak to my spouse or children, do I resort to using insulting words, such as “stupid,” “idiot,” or something similar?

◼ Was I raised in an atmosphere in which abusive speech was common?

Make a resolve. Think of one or two goals you could set with regard to showing respect in your speech. (Idea: Resolve to use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. For example, “I feel hurt when you . . . ,” rather than “You are always . . .”)

Why not let your spouse know of your goal(s)? In three months, check with your spouse to see how you have progressed.

Think of some limits you can set so that you do not use abusive speech when communicating with your children.

Why not apologize to your children for times when you may have spoken to them harshly or sarcastically?

[Picture on page 6]

Just as ocean waves can erode solid rock, a pattern of hurtful speech can weaken a family

Secret 5: Reasonableness

“Let your reasonableness become known.”​—Philippians 4:5.

What this means. In successful families, husbands and wives make allowances for each other’s mistakes. (Romans 3:23) They are also neither unduly rigid nor overly permissive with their children. They set a modest number of household rules. When correction is needed, they give it “to the proper degree.”​—Jeremiah 30:11.

Why it matters. The Bible says that “the wisdom from above is . . . reasonable.” (James 3:17) God himself does not demand perfection from imperfect humans, so why should a married couple demand it from each other? Really, nitpicking over minor faults only produces resentment, not improvement. It is best to accept the fact that “we all stumble many times.”​—James 3:2.

Successful parents display reasonableness when dealing with their children. Their discipline is not excessive, nor are they “hard to please.” (1 Peter 2:18) They grant freedoms to adolescents who demonstrate a sense of responsibility. They do not try to micromanage. One reference work notes that trying to control every aspect of an adolescent’s life “is the equivalent of performing a violent and exhausting rain dance to make it rain. There won’t be any rain, but you will get worn out.”

Try this exercise. Rate your level of reasonableness by answering the following questions.

◼ When was the last time you praised your spouse?

◼ When was the last time you criticized your spouse?

Make a resolve. If you struggled to find an answer to the first question in the accompanying exercise but had no problem answering the second, think of a goal you could set with regard to your expectations.

Why not discuss with your spouse what resolves you both might make?

Think of some freedoms you could grant your adolescent as he or she demonstrates a sense of responsibility.

Why not have an open discussion with your adolescent about such issues as curfews?

[Picture on page 7]

Like a careful driver, a reasonable family member is prepared to yield

Secret 6: Forgiveness

“Continue putting up with one another and forgiving one another freely.”​—Colossians 3:13.

What this means. Successful couples learn from the past; but they do not keep track of old grievances and then use these to make sweeping assertions, such as “You are always late” or “You never listen.” Both husband and wife believe that “it is beauty . . . to pass over transgression.”​—Proverbs 19:11.

Why it matters. God is “ready to forgive,” but that is not always so with humans. (Psalm 86:5) Old wrongs left unresolved can produce layers of resentment that accumulate to the point where forgiveness seems impossible. Each spouse may retreat into an emotional corner​—each one remaining callous to the other’s feelings. Both feel trapped in a loveless marriage.

Try this exercise. Look at old photographs of you and your spouse taken earlier in your marriage or during your courtship. Try to rekindle the warmth you felt before problems crept in and clouded your view. Then think of the qualities that first attracted you to your spouse.

◼ What qualities do you most admire about your spouse now?

◼ Think of some positive effects that your being a more forgiving person might have on your children.

Make a resolve. Think of one or two ways you will determine to keep past grievances out of present disagreements you may have with your spouse.

Why not praise your spouse for the qualities you admire about him or her?​—Proverbs 31:28, 29.

Consider some ways you will demonstrate forgiveness with your children.

Why not discuss with your children the subject of forgiveness and how the ability to forgive benefits each member of the family?

[Picture on page 8]

When you forgive, the debt is canceled. You do not try to reclaim it

Secret 7: A Firm Foundation

What this means. Strong families do not endure automatically, any more than a house just keeps standing for many decades. A solid structure needs a firm foundation, and the same is true of a strong family. Successful families are built on a source of guidance that works.

Why it matters. Advice on family life abounds in books, magazines, and TV programs. Some marriage counselors would urge troubled couples to stay together, while others would urge those same couples to split up. Experts even change their own thinking on such topics. For instance, in 1994 a popular therapist who specializes in adolescent issues wrote that earlier in her career, she felt that “children were better off with happy single parents rather than unhappy married parents. I thought divorce was a better option than struggling with a bad marriage.” After two decades of experience, though, she had a change of heart. She stated: “Divorce shatters many children.”

Opinions are subject to change, but the best advice that can be found will always in some way reflect the principles found in God’s Word, the Bible. Reading this series of articles, you may have noted that a Bible principle is given at the top of pages 3-8. Such principles have helped many families to find true success. Like all other families, they experience problems. The difference is that the Bible has provided them with a firm foundation for marriage and family life. We would expect that to be true of the Bible, for its Author, Jehovah God, is the Originator of the family.​—2 Timothy 3:16, 17.

Try this exercise. Make a list of the scriptures quoted at the top of pages 3 through 8. Add any other Bible texts that have helped you. Keep a list of these handy, and refer to them often.

Make a resolve. Determine to apply the Bible in your family life.

[Picture on page 8, 9]

With a firm Scriptural foundation, your family can withstand the storms that threaten it