Ko ha ʻApi Māvahevahe—Uesia ʻe he Veté ʻa e Kau Talavoú
NAʻE fakakaukau ʻa e kau mataotaó kuo nau ʻiloʻi ʻa e akonaki totonú. ‘ʻOku fiemaʻu ke mou tokangataha ki hoʻomou fiefiá,’ ko ʻenau faleʻi ia ki he mātuʻa ʻi he nofo mali palopalemaʻiá, ʻo nau tānaki fakavave mai ki ai: ‘ʻOua ʻe hohaʻa fekauʻaki mo e fānaú. ʻOku vave ʻa ʻenau fakaakeaké. ʻOku faingofua ange kia kinautolu ke fekuki mo e veté ʻi he nofo mo e ongo mātuʻa ʻoku ʻikai te na fetaulaki!’
Neongo ia, ko e kau faifaleʻi ʻe niʻihi ʻa ia naʻa nau tala holo ʻi ha taimi ʻoku lelei ʻa e veté kuo nau fakahaaʻi ʻoku nau hala. ‘Ko e veté ko e tau ia ʻoku fai,’ ko ʻenau lau ia he taimi ní. ‘ʻOku ʻikai ha taha ʻi he ongo faʻahí ʻe mavahe taʻeʻiai ha kafo; pea pehē pē ki he fānaú.’
Fakakaukau Hala ki he Faingofua ʻa e Veté
Ko e talanoa hokó ʻoku lava ke pehē ko ha foʻi faiva fakakata manakoa ia ʻi he TV. ʻOku vete ʻa e tamaí mo e faʻeé. ʻOku tauhi fakalao ʻe he faʻeé ʻa e fānaú pea mali leva mo ha uitou ʻoku ʻi ai ʻene fānau. ʻI he uike ki he uike ʻoku fehangahangai ai ʻa e fāmili ʻikai hoamālie ko ení mo e tuʻunga ngali vale hokohoko—ʻo fakaleleiʻi ʻa e tuʻunga taki taha ʻi loto pē ʻi he miniti ʻe 30 ʻo lahi ʻa e fakakata pōtoʻi ʻoku ngāueʻaki ʻi hono fakaleleiʻí.
Mahalo pē ʻoku fakaoli ʻa e faiva pehē ʻi he TV. Ka ko ha vete ʻi he tuʻunga moʻoni he moʻuí ʻoku ʻikai ko ha faiva fakakata ia. ʻI hono kehé, ko e tuʻunga ko iá ʻoku fakamamahi. “Ko e veté ʻoku kau ki ai e ngāue fakalao,” ko e tohi ia ʻa M. Gary Neuman ʻi heʻene tohi ko e Emotional Infidelity. “ʻOku fakaʻilo ʻe he tokotaha ʻa e tokotaha. Ko e taimi pē ʻokú ke fili ai ke veté, ʻokú ke tukuange ai ʻa e pule ki hoʻo kiʻi tamá. ʻOkú ke toe tukuange ʻa e puleʻi ʻo hoʻo paʻangá pea aʻu nai ki he feituʻu te ke nofo aí. Te ke fakaleleiʻi nai hoʻo palopalemá ʻi he fakamaauʻangá, kae mahalo nai heʻikai. Fakaʻosí, ko ha sola ʻa ia ko ha fakamaau ʻa e tokotaha ke ne tala atu pe ʻe tuʻo fiha hoʻo sio ki hoʻo tamá mo e lahi hoʻo paʻanga te ke tauhí. Ko e meʻa pangó, he ʻoku ʻikai te ke fakakaukau tatau tofu pē mo e sola ko iá.”
ʻOku faʻa fetongi pē ʻe he veté ʻa e ʻotu palopalema ʻaki ha palopalema kehe. Ko e moʻoni, ko e meʻa kotoa pē mei he fokotuʻutuʻu ʻo e nofó ki he tuʻunga fakapaʻangá ʻe liliu nai—pea ʻoku ngalingali heʻikai liliu ki he lelei ange. Pea ʻoku ʻi ai leva ʻa e nunuʻa ʻo e veté ki he fānaú.
Veté mo e Kau Talavoú
ʻOku lava ke lōmekina ʻe he veté ʻa e fānaú, ʻo tatau ai pē pe ko e hā honau taʻumotuʻá. ʻOku taukaveʻi ʻe he niʻihi ko e kau talavoú ʻoku nau fetaulaki lelei ange. He ko ē, ko e fakaʻuhingá ia, ʻoku nau matuʻotuʻa ange pea ʻoku nau ʻi ha tuʻunga ʻo e mavahe mei heʻenau mātuʻá. Kae kehe, ʻoku sio ʻa e kau fakatotoló ki ha nunuʻa kovi. Kuo nau ʻiloʻi koeʻuhi ko e meʻa tefito ko iá, ko e veté ʻoku lava ke ne uesia lahi taha ʻa e kau talavoú.a Fakakaukau ki he tuʻunga hokó:
◼ ʻI heʻenau fononga ke aʻu ki he tuʻunga ko e kakai lalahí, ko e kau talavoú ʻoku ʻikai ʻaupito ke nau ʻi ha tuʻunga malu, ʻo toe lahi ange nai ia ʻi he taimi naʻa nau kei iiki aí. ʻOua naʻa tuku ke kākaaʻi koe ʻe heʻenau hehema ke faʻifaʻitelihá—ʻoku fiemaʻu ʻe he kau talavoú ʻa e taula ko e tuʻumaʻu fakafāmilí ʻo laka ange ia ʻi ha toe taimi ki muʻa.
◼ ʻI he taimi tonu ko ia ʻi he moʻuí ʻi he ako ʻa e kau talavoú ke faʻu ha kaungāmeʻa matuʻotuʻá, ʻoku akoʻi kia kinautolu ʻe he veté ke nau veiveiua ʻi he ngaahi ʻulungaanga hangē ko e falalá, mateakí mo e ʻofá. Ki mui ai, ʻi he hoko ko e kakai lalahí, te nau fakaʻehiʻehi fakaʻaufuli ai mei hono fokotuʻu ha vahaʻangatae vāofí.
◼ Lolotonga ʻoku anga-maheni ʻaki ki he fānau ʻo e taʻu kehekehe ke fakahaaʻi ʻenau mamahí, ko e kau talavoú ʻoku ngalingali lahi ange ke nau fai pehē ʻi he founga fakatuʻutāmaki, ʻo kau ai ʻa e faihiá, ngāuekoviʻaki ʻa e kava mālohí mo e ngāuekoviʻaki ʻa e faitoʻo kona tapú.
ʻOku ʻikai ko e pehē eni ia ko e kau talavou ʻoku vete ʻenau mātuʻá heʻikai te nau toe sai fakaeongo pe ʻi ha tuʻunga kehe. ʻE lava ke nau lavameʻa, tautefito kapau ʻoku ʻi ai hanau vahaʻangatae mo e ongo mātuʻá fakatouʻosi.b Kae kehe, ʻoku taʻefeʻunga ke fakakaukau ko e veté ʻe hoko maʻu pē ia, hangē ko e lau nai ʻa e niʻihi, ‘ʻo lelei ange ki he fānaú’ pe ʻe fakangata ai ʻa e faingataʻa kotoa ʻi he vahaʻa ʻo e hoa malí. Ko hono moʻoní, ʻoku ʻiloʻi ʻe he niʻihi kuo pau ke nau fekuki lahi ange mo honau hoa mali “taʻealamakātakiʻí” ʻi he hili ʻa e veté ʻo ʻikai ki muʻa pea ʻi he ʻīsiu ʻikai tuʻumaʻu hangē ko e tokoni fakapaʻangá pe ko e tauhi fakalao ʻo e fānaú. ʻI he tuʻunga peheé ʻoku ʻikai fakangata ʻe he veté ʻa e palopalema ʻi he fāmilí; ʻokú ne ueʻi pē ke ʻave ʻa e palopalemá ki he fakamaauʻangá.
Fili Hono Tolu
Fēfē kapau ʻokú ke ʻi ha nofo mali palopalemaʻia pea kuó ke fakakaukau fekauʻaki mo e veté? Ko e kupú ni kuo ʻomai ai ʻa e ʻuhinga fakatuipau ke toe fakakaukau ki ai. Ko e veté ʻoku ʻikai ko ha fakaleleiʻanga pau ia ki he palopalema fakaemalí.
Kae ʻoua ʻe maʻuhalá: Ko e talí ʻoku ʻikai ko hono kātekina pē ha nofo mali ʻikai lelei. ʻOku ʻi ai ha toe fili ʻe taha—Kapau ʻoku palopalemaʻia ʻa hoʻo nofo malí, ko e hā ʻoku ʻikai te ke ngāue ai ke ʻai ke toe lelei angé? ʻOua ʻe liʻaki fakavave ʻa e fakakaukau ko ení ʻaki ʻa e pehē heʻikai toe ala fakaleleiʻi ʻa hoʻo palopalema fakaemalí. ʻEke hifo kiate koe ʻa e ngaahi fehuʻi ko ení:
◼ ‘Ko e hā e ʻulungaanga naʻá ne muʻaki tohoakiʻi au ki hoku hoá? ʻIkai ʻoku kei ʻi ai ʻi ha tuʻunga ʻa e ʻulungaanga ko iá?’—Palovepi 31:10, 29.
◼ ‘ʻE lava ke toe tafunaki ʻa e ongoʻi naʻá ku maʻu ki muʻa ʻi he nofo malí?’—Hiva ʻo e Hiva 2:2; 4:7.
◼ ‘Neongo ʻa e ngaahi tōʻonga ʻa hoku hoá, ko e hā ʻe lava ke u fai ke ngāueʻaki ai ʻa e fokotuʻu ʻoku ʻi he peesi 3 ki he 9 ʻo e makasini ko ení?’—Loma 12:18.
◼ ‘ʻE lava ke u fakamatalaʻi ki hoku hoá (mata ki he mata pe ʻi he faitohi) ʻa e founga tofu pē ko ia te u saiʻia ke fakalakalaka ai ʻa homa vahaʻangataé?’—Siope 10:1.
◼ ‘ʻE lava ke ma tangutu hifo mo ha kaumeʻa matuʻotuʻa ʻa ia ʻe lava ke ne tokoniʻi kimaua ke ma fokotuʻu ha taumuʻa ʻe ala aʻusia ke fakaleleiʻi ai ʻema nofo malí?’—Palovepi 27:17.
ʻOku pehē ʻe he Tohi Tapú: “Ko e fakapotopoto ʻoku ne fakakaukau ʻene laka.” (Palovepi 14:15) Ko e tefitoʻi moʻoni ko iá ʻoku ngāueʻaki ia ʻo ʻikai ʻi hono fili pē ʻo ha hoá kae toe pehē foki ʻi he taimi ʻoku fakakaukau ai ki he meʻa ke fai ki he vā fakaenofo mali ʻa ia ʻoku vaivai. Ko e moʻoni, hangē ko ia naʻe ʻohake ʻi he peesi 9 ʻo e makasini ko ení, ko e fāmili lavameʻá ʻoku toe ʻi ai ʻenau ngaahi palopalema—ko e faikehekehé ʻoku ʻi he anga ʻo ʻenau fakaleleiʻi iá.
Ke fakatātaaʻi: Fakaʻuta atu kuó ke kamata ha fononga kā lōloa. ʻOku ʻikai lava ke hao mei he fehangahangai mo e palopalema ʻi he fonongá, ʻo kau ai ʻa e kovi ʻa e ʻeá, fihi ʻa e meʻalelé mo e taʻofiʻanga ʻi he halá. ʻI ha tuʻunga, ʻe aʻu nai ai ʻo ke hē. Ko e hā te ke faí? Te ke toe foki pe kumi ha hala ke ikuʻi ai ʻa e taʻofiʻangá pea hoko atu? ʻI he ʻaho ʻo hoʻo malí, naʻá ke kamata ai ʻi ha fononga naʻe pau ke ʻi ai hono palopalema, he ʻoku pehē ʻe he Tohi Tapú ko e “faʻahinga ʻoku malí te nau mamahi mo faingataʻaʻia.” (1 Kolinito 7:28, The New English Bible) Ko e fehuʻí ʻoku ʻikai pe ʻe malanga hake ha palopalema ka ko e founga te ke fehangahangai ai mo ia ʻi heʻene hokó. ʻE lava ke ke maʻu ha founga ke ikuʻi ai ʻa e taʻofiʻangá pea hoko atu? Neongo kapau te ke ongoʻi ko hoʻo nofo malí ʻoku hē ʻo ʻikai toe ʻi ai ha ʻamanaki, te ke feinga ke maʻu ha tokoni?—Semisi 5:14.
Fokotuʻutuʻu Fakaʻotua
Ko e nofo malí ko ha fokotuʻutuʻu fakaʻotua ia ʻoku ʻikai totonu ke fakamaʻamaʻaʻi. (Senesi 2:24) ʻI he hā ngali taʻealaikuʻi ʻa e palopalemá, manatuʻi ʻa e ngaahi poini naʻe lāulea ki ai ʻi he kupu ko ení.
1. Feinga ke toe tafunaki ʻa e ʻofa naʻá ke ongoʻi ki muʻá.—Hiva ʻo e Hiva 8:6.
2. Fili ʻa e meʻa ʻe lava ke ke fai ke ʻai ke lelei ange ʻa hoʻo nofo malí pea fai leva ia.—Semisi 1:22.
3. Tala mahino mo ʻi he fakaʻapaʻapa ki ho hoá—mata ki he mata pe ʻi he faitohi—ʻa e fakalakalaka ʻokú ke ongoʻi ʻoku fiemaʻu ke fai ʻi he nofo malí.—Siope 7:11.
4. Kumi ki ha tokoni. ʻOku ʻikai fiemaʻu ia ke ke feinga ke fakahaofi ʻiate koe pē ʻa hoʻo nofo malí!
[Fakamatala ʻi lalo]
a Ko e kupú ni ʻoku fakahangataha ia ki he kau talavoú, ka ʻoku toe uesia foki ʻe he veté ʻa e fānau iiki angé. Ki ha fakamatala lahi ange, sio ki he ʻīsiu ʻo e Awake! ʻo Tīsema 8, 1997, peesi 3-12, mo ʻEpeleli 22, 1991, peesi 3-11.
b Ko e moʻoni, ʻoku ʻikai maʻu pē ke malava eni, tautefito kapau kuo liʻaki ʻe ha mātuʻa ʻa e fāmilí pe ʻi ha toe founga ʻe taha ʻoku hā mahino ʻene taʻealafalalaʻanga pe toe ʻi he tuʻunga fakatuʻutāmaki ange ai.—1 Timote 5:8.
[Puha/Fakatātā ʻi he peesi 19]
‘TE U ʻAI KE TONU IA HE TAIMÍ NI’
Kuo fakahaaʻi ʻi he ʻū fakatotoló ko e mali uá ʻoku ʻi ai ha taʻelavameʻa māʻolunga ange ia ʻi he ʻuluaki malí, pea ko e mali tolú ʻoku toe kovi ange ia. ʻI heʻene tohi ko e Emotional Infidelity, ʻoku fakahaaʻi ai ʻe M. Gary Neuman ʻa e ʻuhinga ʻe taha ki he meʻá ni. “Kapau ʻoku ʻi ai haʻo palopalema ʻi hoʻo ʻuluaki nofo malí,” ko ʻene tohí ia, “ʻoku ʻikai fekauʻaki kotoa ia mo hoʻo fili hala ʻo ha hoá. ʻOku fekauʻaki ia mo koe. Naʻá ke manako ʻi he tokotaha ko ení. Naʻá ke ngāue mo e tokotahá ni ke fakatupunga ʻa e meʻa ʻoku hokó pe ʻikai ke hokó.” Ko e hā e fakamulituku ʻa Neuman? “ʻOku lelei ange ke fakaleleiʻi ʻa e palopalemá pea tauhi ʻa ho malí ʻi hono tukuange ho malí pea tauhi ʻa e palopalemá.”
[Puha ʻi he peesi 21]
KAPAU ʻE NGATA HA NOFO MALI
ʻOku fakahaaʻi ʻe he Tohi Tapú ko e tuʻunga ʻoku aʻu ʻo fuʻu tōtuʻá ʻe iku nai ia ki he vete.c Kapau ko e tuʻunga ia ʻi ho fāmilí, ʻe lava fēfē ke ke tokoniʻi ʻa hoʻo fānau kuo nau ʻi he tuʻunga talavoú ke nau fekuki mo iá?
Tala ki hoʻo kau talavoú ʻa e meʻa ʻoku hokó. Kapau ʻe ala lava, ko e ongo mātuʻá fakatouʻosi ʻoku totonu ke na fai ení. Mo ʻai fakatouʻosi ke ʻiloʻi ʻe hoʻomo fānau talavoú kuo papau ʻa e fili ke veté. Fai ha fakafiemālie ʻo tala ʻoku ʻikai ko ia ke tukuakiʻí pea ʻe hokohoko atu hono ʻofaʻi ia fakatouʻosi ʻe he ongo mātuʻá.
Mavahe mei he malaʻe taú—kuo ʻosi ʻa e taú. Ko e mātuʻa ʻe niʻihi ʻoku nau kei hokohoko atu pē ʻa e taú ʻi he taimi fuoloa mei he veté. ʻOku nau hoko ai, hangē ko e lau ʻa ha mataotao ʻe taha, ʻo “vete fakalao kae kei fehokotaki fakaeongo pē ʻi he tuʻunga ko e kau tau kuo teʻeki ai malava ke nau fai ha alea melino.” ʻOku ʻikai ngata pē ʻi he toʻo ʻe he meʻá ni mei he kau talavoú ʻa ʻenau mātuʻá—koeʻuhi ʻoku hā ngali tau maʻu pē ʻa Teti mo Mami—ka ʻoku toe fakalototoʻaʻi ai kinautolu ke nau ʻai ke fepaki ʻenau mātuʻá koeʻuhi ke hoko ai e meʻa ʻoku nau loto ki aí. Hangē ko ení, ʻe tala nai ʻe ha tamasiʻi ki heʻene faʻeé: “ʻOku fakaʻatā mai ʻe Teti ke u ʻeva pē au ki he fuoloa taha ʻoku ou loto ki aí. Ko e hā ʻoku ʻikai te ke fai pehē ai koé?” ʻI he ʻikai loto ke kau ʻa hono fohá ki he “faʻahi ʻa e filí,” ʻoku fakavaivai ʻa e faʻeé.
Tuku ke talanoa ʻa hoʻo kau talavoú. ʻE fakaʻuhinga nai ʻa e kau talavoú, ‘Kapau heʻikai ke toe feʻofaʻaki ʻa ʻeku ongo mātuʻá, heʻikai nai ai te na toe ʻofa ʻiate au’ pe ‘Kapau ʻoku maumauʻi ʻe heʻeku ongo mātuʻá ʻa e tuʻutuʻuní, ko e hā ka ʻikai lava ai ke u fai pehē?’ Ke fakafiemālieʻi ʻa e ilifia ʻa e talavoú pea ke fakatonutonu ʻa e fakakaukau halá, ʻoange kiate ia ʻa e faingamālie lahi ke talanoa ai. Ka ko ha fakatokanga: ʻOua ʻe fetongi fatongia pea hanga ki hoʻo kau talavoú ki ha poupou fakaeongo. Ko hoʻo kiʻi tama eni, ʻo ʻikai ko haʻo tokotaha vete palopalema.
Fakalototoʻaʻi ʻa e talavoú ke ne maʻu ha vahaʻangatae lelei mo ho mali ki muʻá. Ko e tokotaha naʻá ke vete mo iá ko ho mali ia ki muʻa ka ʻoku kei hoko pē ia ko e mātuʻa ʻa hoʻo tamá. Ko e ngutu kovi ʻo kau ki he tokotaha ko iá ʻoku fakatupu maumau. ʻOku pehē ʻe he tohi ko e Teens in Turmoil—A Path to Change for Parents, Adolescents, and Their Families: “Kapau ʻoku fili ʻa e ongo mātuʻá ke ngāueʻaki ʻa ʻena fānaú ko ha meʻatau ʻi he malaʻe tau ʻo e veté, kuo pau ke na ʻamanekina ke utu ʻa e meʻa kuó na tūtūʻí.”
Tokangaʻi koe. ʻI he taimi ʻe niʻihi, te ke ongoʻi lōmekina ai. Kae ʻoua ʻe foʻi. Tauhi maʻu ha founga-tuʻumaʻu lelei. Kapau ko ha Kalisitiane koe, nōfoʻi ʻi he ngāue fakalaumālié. Ko e fai peheé ʻe tokoniʻi ai koe mo hoʻo talavoú ke mo tauhi maʻu ʻa e tuʻunga mafamafatatau.—Sāme 18:2; Mātiu 28:19, 20; Hepelu 10:24, 25.
[Fakamatala ʻi lalo]
c Fakatatau ki he Tohi Tapú, ko e fehokotaki fakasino pē ʻi tuʻa ʻi he nofo malí ʻoku ʻomai ai ʻa e makatuʻunga feʻunga ke fakangata ai ha nofo mali fakataha mo e faingamālie ke toe mali ai. (Mātiu 19:9) Kapau ʻoku hoko ha taʻefaitōnunga, ko e meʻa ia ʻa e hoa tonuhiá—ʻo ʻikai ko e mēmipa ʻo e fāmilí pe ko e niʻihi kehé—ke ne fili pe ko e veté ʻa e fili lelei tahá.—Kaletia 6:5.
[Fakatātā ʻi he peesi 20]
Ngāue ke pouaki ʻa e tukupā naʻá ke fai ʻi ho ʻaho malí
[Fakatātā ʻi he peesi 21]
Kapau ʻokú mo vahevahe ʻa e tauhi fakalaó, fakalototoʻaʻi ʻa e talavoú ke ne maʻu ha vahaʻangatae lelei mo ho mali ki muʻá