Living Happily In the Empty Nest

“FOR many of us,” admitted one parent, “the final separation is a shock no matter how well prepared we are.” Yes, as inevitable as a child’s departure may be, when it actually does occur, dealing with it may not be so easy. One father tells of his own reaction after saying good-bye to his son: “For the first time in my life . . . , I just cried, and cried and cried.”

For many parents the departure of their children leaves a huge void in their life—a gaping wound. Deprived of day-to-day contact with their children, some experience intense feelings of loneliness, pain, and loss. And parents may not be the only ones who are having a tough time adjusting. A couple named Edward and Avril remind us: “If there are still other children at home, they will also be feeling the loss.” This couple’s advice? “Give them your time and understanding. This will help them adjust.”

Yes, life goes on. If you are to care for your remaining children—not to mention your job or domestic duties—you cannot allow yourself to get bogged down in grief. Let us look, therefore, at some ways to find happiness as your children leave home.

Focus on the Positive

Of course, if you feel sad or lonely and need to cry or to talk out your feelings with a sympathetic friend, by all means do so. The Bible says: “Anxious care in the heart of a man is what will cause it to bow down, but the good word is what makes it rejoice.” (Proverbs 12:25) Sometimes others can give a fresh perspective on things. For example, a couple named Waldemar and Marianne advise: “View the matter, not as a loss, but as the successful achievement of a goal.” What a positive way to look at things! “We are happy that we were able to rear our boys to be responsible adults,” say a couple named Rudolf and Hilde.

Have you endeavored to raise your child “in the discipline and mental-regulating of Jehovah”? (Ephesians 6:4) Even if you have, you may still have anxiety about his or her leaving. But to those who thus train their child, the Bible’s assurance is that “even when he grows old he will not turn aside from it.” (Proverbs 22:6) Is it not immensely satisfying to see that your child has responded to your training? The apostle John said regarding his spiritual family: “No greater cause for thankfulness do I have than these things, that I should be hearing that my children go on walking in the truth.” (3 John 4) Perhaps you can have similar sentiments regarding your own child.

True, not all children respond to Christian training. If this turns out to be true of your grown-up child, it does not mean that you are a failure as a parent. Do not needlessly berate yourself if you have done your very best to raise him in a godly way. Realize that as an adult your child bears his own burden of responsibility before God. (Galatians 6:5) Maintain the hope that perhaps in time he will reconsider his choices and that the “arrow” will finally go where it was aimed.—Psalm 127:4.

Still a Parent!

While your child’s departure heralds a significant change, it does not mean that your job as a parent is finished. Mental-health specialist Howard Halpern says: “You are the parent until the day you die, but giving and nurturing has to be redefined.”

The Bible long ago acknowledged that parenting does not stop just because a child has grown up. Proverbs 23:22 says: “Listen to your father who caused your birth, and do not despise your mother just because she has grown old.” Yes, even when parents have “grown old” and their children are adults, parents can still be a significant influence in their children’s lives. Of course, some adjustments need to be made. But all relationships need readjusting from time to time to keep them fresh and satisfying. So now that your children are grown, work at putting your relationship with them on a more adult footing. Interestingly, studies indicate that the parent-child relationship often improves once the children have left home! As children are brought face-to-face with the pressures of the real world, they often begin to see their parents in a new light. A German man named Hartmut says: “Now I understand my parents better and realize why they did things the way they did.”

Avoid Meddling

Much damage can be done, however, if you become a meddler in your adult child’s personal life. (Compare 1 Timothy 5:13.) One married woman who is experiencing great tensions with her in-laws laments: “We love them, but we just want to live our own lives and make our own decisions.” Of course, no loving parent will stand by idly while an adult child plummets into disaster. But usually it is best to avoid giving unrequested parental advice, no matter how wise or well-meaning it is. This is especially true after a child marries.

Awake! gave this advice back in 1983: “Accept your changed role. You abandon your job as nursemaid when baby turns into toddler. Similarly, you must now trade the cherished role of caretaker for the role of adviser. Making decisions for your child at this stage of life would be as inappropriate as burping or breast-feeding him. As adviser, you have definite limitations. No longer can you effectively appeal to your authority as parent. (‘Do it because I say so.’) There must be respect for your child’s adult status.”a

You may not agree with all the decisions your child and his or her mate make. But respect for the sanctity of marriage can help you to temper your concern and avoid intruding unnecessarily. The truth is, it is usually best to let young couples work out their problems between themselves. Otherwise, you risk needless confrontation when giving unwanted advice to a son- or daughter-in-law who, at a fragile point in marriage, may be very sensitive to criticism. The above-mentioned Awake! article further advised: “Squash the temptation to make endless, unrequested suggestions, which can turn a son-in-law or a daughter-in-law into an enemy.” Be supportive—not manipulative. By maintaining a good relationship, you make it easier for your child to approach you if advice is really needed.

Renew Marital Bonds

For many couples, the empty nest may also open up the possibility of increased marital happiness. The time and effort involved in successful parenting can be so consuming that couples neglect their own relationship. One wife says: “Now that the children are gone, Konrad and I are trying to get acquainted with each other all over again.”

Freed from the day-to-day responsibilities of parenting, you may now have more time for each other. Observed one parent: “This new-found free time . . . allows us to focus more attention on who we are, to center on learning more about our relationships, and to begin to engage in activities which fill our needs.” She adds: “It is a time of new learning and incredible growth, and though such times can be unsettling, they are also exhilarating.”

Some couples also have greater financial freedom. Hobbies and careers that have been put on hold can now be pursued. Among Jehovah’s Witnesses, many couples use their newfound freedom to pursue spiritual interests. A father named Hermann explains that after his children left home, he and his wife immediately turned their attention to resuming the full-time ministry.

Single Parents Letting Go

Adjusting to the empty nest can be especially difficult for single parents. Rebecca, a single mother of two, explains: “When our children go, we do not have a husband to give us company and love.” A single parent may have found her children to be a source of emotional support. And if they were contributing to the household funds, their departure may also be a financial hardship.

Some manage to improve their lot economically by enrolling in job-training programs or short-term school courses. But how does one fill the void of loneliness? A single parent says: “What works for me is keeping myself occupied. It could be reading the Bible, cleaning my home, or just going for a good walk or run. But the most rewarding way for me to overcome loneliness is to talk to a spiritual friend.” Yes, “widen out,” and cultivate new and satisfying friendships. (2 Corinthians 6:13) ‘Persist in supplications and prayers’ when you feel overwhelmed. (1 Timothy 5:5) Be assured that Jehovah will strengthen and support you through this difficult period of adjustment.

Happily Letting Go

Whatever your situation, realize that life does not end when the children leave home. Nor do family ties dissolve. The healthy love described in the Bible is strong enough to hold people together, even when they are far apart. The apostle Paul reminds us that love “endures all things. Love never fails.” (1 Corinthians 13:7, 8) The unselfish love you have cultivated in your family will not fail simply because your children leave home.

Interestingly, when children begin facing the pangs of separation and homesickness or when they start feeling the pinch of economic pressures, they are often the first to reestablish contact. Hans and Ingrid advise: “Let the children know that the door to your home is always open.” Regular visits, letters, or occasional telephone calls will help you keep in touch. “Be interested in what they are doing without prying into their affairs” is how Jack and Nora expressed it.

When children leave home, your life changes. But life in the empty nest can be busy, active, and fulfilling. Also, your relationship with your children changes. Yet, it can still be a happy and gratifying relationship. “The establishment of independence from parents,” say Professors Geoffrey Leigh and Gary Peterson, “does not imply the loss of love, loyalty, or respect for parents. . . . Indeed, strong family ties often remain throughout the life cycle.” Yes, you will never stop loving your children, and you will never stop being their parent. And because you have loved your children enough to let them go, you really have not lost them.

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“For the first time in my life . . . , I just cried, and cried and cried”

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A Word to Grown Children—Help Parents to Let Go

Leaving is normally easier to deal with than being left behind. So while you rejoice in your independence and adulthood, show kindness and understanding toward your parents if they are having difficulty adjusting. Assure them of your continued love and affection. A brief note, an unexpected gift, or a friendly telephone call can do much to cheer up a gloomy parent! Keep them apprised of significant events in your life. This lets them know that the family bonds are still strong.

As you face the pressures of adult life, likely you’ll appreciate more than ever what your parents went through in caring for you. Perhaps this will move you to tell your parents: “Thank you for all that you’ve done for me!”