Abantu Abaselula Bayabuza . . .
Buyintoni Ubungozi Bokudlala Ngothando?
“SARAH! Sarah! Yizokuhlala apha ecaleni kwam!” Lowo ngusebe-sebe ophuma kwinkwenkwe ethile ehleli kwizihlalo ezingasemva. Ngokufuthi emva kwemizuzu emihlanu iyasiphinda-phinda isibongozo sayo—itsho phantsi. KuSarah, imizamo yale nkwenkwe yokudlala ngothando kwigumbi lokufundela isisiphazamiso esingaphezu kweziphazamiso zemihla ngemihla.
UJennifer oselula akakabi mdala ngokwaneleyo ukuba angaba kwisikolo semfundo ephakamileyo, kodwa ubalisa esithi: “Amakhwenkwe adla ngokuthetha izinto ezintsingiselo-mbini yaye adla ngokwenza izinto ezingezizo ezendlela nje yobuhlobo.” UErika wongezelela esithi: “Loo mehlo! La makhwenkwe akujonga ngoncumokazi lwenkohliso, uze ngequbuliso uwave selesitsho ngelo lizwi lindongondongo ngokwenene—kundenza ndibe nentsini. Yaye asondela ngokwenene apha kuwe.” Amakhwenkwe nawo adla ngokuba ngamaxhoba okunxuswa ngamantombazana. UJohn, okwishumi elivisayo, ubalisa esenjenje: “Amantombazana [esikolweni] aye azame ukusondela kuwe aze akuphathaphathe, akugone. Angena eziholweni aze azame ukukwanga.”
Kuyavunywa ukuba, ulutsha oluninzi lubonakala lukunandipha ukunikw’ amehlo. “Kuyayolisa,” yatsho njalo intombazana egama linguConnie ethanda ukutsala iliso labancwasi ngokunxiba ngendlela evuselela inkanuko. Ulutsha oluninzi nalo luyakuthanda ukucel’ injezu. Enye intombazana yabhala oku kwiphephancwadi i’Teen: “Ndiyintombazana ethanda ukudlala ngothando nawo onke amakhwenkwe—enoba ndiyawathanda okanye andiwathandi. Ukudlala ngothando kundenza ndizive ndizithembe ngakumbi yaye ndinomtsalane.”
Ngoko, umKristu oselula ufanele akujonge njani ukudlala ngothando? Ngaba kukuziyolisa nje okungenabungozi, into engenakuphepheka ekhokelela kuthando lokwenene? Okanye ngaba zikho kusini na iingozi zokwenene ezifanele ukuphetshwa?
Okubandakanywa Kukudlala Ngothando
Kulwimi lwesiXhosa, ukudlala ngothando akufani nengqalelo efanelekileyo indoda enokuyibonisa kwibhinqa (okanye ibhinqa kwindoda) ekuqaliseni kwabo ukuthandana ngaphambi komtshato. Kunoko, kuthetha “ukuyotywa luthando ngaphandle kwenjongo yokwenene.” AmaFrentshi alibiza ibhinqa eliziphethe ngolo hlobo ngokuthi yicoquette (ibhinqa elitsalela kulo ingqalelo yamadoda lingenalo uthando lokwenene).
Noko ke, akuyonto ilula ukuchaza iindlela zokudlala ngothando. Ukudlala ngothando kusenokubandakanya ukujonga, ukuphathaphatha, imvakalo-zwi, uncumo lobuhlobo—kwanendlela ubani anxiba, ema okanye aziphatha ngayo. Noko ke, ngoxa ukudlala ngothando kunzima ukukuchaza, kudla ngokuba lula kakhulu ukubona umntu xa elixhoba lako. Kuyo nayiphi na imeko, ukuba ubani uselula kakhulu ukuba angalungela umtshato, ukutsalela kuwe ingqalelo yabanye okanye ukudlala ngothando kuyingozi enkulu!
Ngaba ‘Kuluyolo’ Oluyingozi?
Ukuziva utsaleleke kumntu wesini esahlukileyo kona ngokwako akuyonto iphosakeleyo. Ngokwenene, xa umntu ‘esentlahleni’ yobutsha kungokwemvelo ukuba iimvakalelo ezinjalo zibe namandla; yindlela uMdali awasenza ngayo. (1 Korinte 7:36) Mhlawumbi uyazibuza ngendlela onomtsalane ngayo; ukudlala ngothando kunokubonakala kuyindlela engenabungozi yokufumanisa oko. Kwanephephancwadi i’Teen lawakhuthaza amantombazana ukuba adlale ngothando ngokubhengeza oku, “Ukudlala Ngothando Kunokuba Ngumdlalo!” Inqaku elilandelayo, lanikela imiyalelo engokweenkcukacha ngobuchule bokudlala ngothando.
Kodwa isibakala nje sokuba ukudlala ngothando kusenokuthiwa ngumdlalo akukwenzi kube yingenelo okanye kube kokufanelekileyo. Cinga ngesimo sengqondo sendoda elilungisa uYobhi. Wakhe wathi: “Ndiwamisele amehlo am umnqophiso; ndingathini na ukuqwalasela entombini?” (Yobhi 31:1, 9-11) Ngokungathi kunjalo, uYobhi wazenzela isivumelwano sokuba wayeya kuwalawula amehlo akhe yaye angaze ajonge ibhinqa elingatshatanga ngaloo mehlo abonisa ukudlala ngothando. Ngoba? Kuba uYobhi wayeyindoda etshatileyo. Ukuzifica ekudlaleni ngothando okungenamsebenzi bekuya kuba yinto engafanelekanga, ukungathembeki kumfazi wakhe. Ngaphezu koko, bekunokubangela ukuvuseleleka kweminqweno nolinde-lo oluphosakeleyo. Ngoko ke, uYobhi wakuphepha ukudlala ngothando.
Kuyinyaniso ukuba akutshatanga. Kodwa xa ucinga ngoku, ngaba unaso isizathu esifanelekileyo sokuzibonakalisa unikela ingqalelo yakho kuthile wesini esahlukileyo kunokuba uYobhi wenzayo? Ngapha koko, ukuba akukabi mdala ngokwaneleyo ukuba ungatshata, kuya kukunceda ngantoni oku? Ubuya kwenza ntoni ukuba uyasabela kwizenzo zakho? Ngaba ngokwenene ukulungele ukuluqhuba olu lwalamano ukusa kwinqanaba lalo elisengqiqweni—umtshato?a Ukuba akunjalo, ukudlala ngothando kuzisa intlungu engaphezu kokudandatheka nje.
Ukwandisa Uzuko Lobuqu
Noko ke, kwizihlandlo ezininzi, ukubandakanyeka ngokoqobo kwezothando asinto acinga ngayo lowo udlala ngothando. Ukutsala ingqalelo yowesini esahlukileyo usenokukugqala njengohlobo oluthile lomdlalo. Ngokomzekelo, intombazana engumKristu egama linguMaria yayiwazi kakuhle umyalelo weBhayibhile wokungazibopheleli dyokhweni-nye ngezothando nomntu ongakholwayo. (2 Korinte 6:14, NW) Kodwa ngempazamo wakholelwa ukuba kwakungekho bungozi ekudlaleni ngothando namakhwenkwe awayefunda nawo. Ngokufutshane uchaza esenjenje: “Ndathi nje ndakuyifumana ingqalelo yawo yaba iqalile ke inkathazo. Ufikelela kwinqanaba lokuba akucele nikhe niphume nibethwe ngumoya, yaye kulapho uyeka khona.” Kodwa ngaba kulapho ayeka khona wona?
Umbhali uKathy McCoy waphawula oku kwinqaku lephephancwadi iSeventeen: “Abantu abathanda ukudlala ngesini idla ngokuba ngabantu abazijongele phantsi abathi bazame ukuphakamisa igama labo ngokutsalela kubo ingqalelo yabanye nangokufuna ukunconywa.” Ukuba ubani uyasabela kwindlela omjonga ngayo okanye ukumphathaphatha okuhendayo ngokwenene oko kungakwenza uzive unguwe—kodwa kuphela okwexeshana. Ngapha koko, umbhali weBhayibhile uPawulos, xa wayexubusha ngothando lokwenyaniso, ngemvakalelo yokukhathalela abanye nangomanyano lobuKristu, walumkisa amaKristu ukuba angenzi ‘nantoni na ngozuko olulambathayo,’ okanye “ukuzingca,” njengoko enye inguqulelo ibonisa.—Filipi 2:1-3; The New English Bible.
Kukho iindlela eziphumelela ngakumbi nezihlala ithuba elide zokwakha uxabiso lobuqu kunokudlala ngeemvakalelo zabanye. Kutheni ungazami ukusebenzela ukwakha “umntu wangaphakathi,” okanye umntu onguye ngaphakathi?—2 Korinte 4:16, The New Jerusalem Bible.
‘Ukujula Iintolo Zomlilo’
Inqaku elikwiphephancwadi iSeventeen lalatha kwenye ingozi ekhoyo, lisithi: “Into enzima ekudlaleni ngothando kukuba kuthetha izinto ezahlukeneyo kubantu abahlukeneyo, yaye maxa wambi intsingiselo yako iqondwa phosakeleyo—yaye kwenzakaliswa iimvakalelo.”
Ewe, ulutsha ngobuntwana ludla ngokuwujongela phantsi umonakalo ukudlala ngothando okunokuwubangela kwiimvakalelo zomnye umntu. Kunjengokuba umzekeliso wobulumko usithi: “Njengedwadwasi elijula izikhuni neentolo zokufa, injalo indoda ekhohlisa ummelwane wayo ibe isithi, andidlali na?” (IMizekeliso 26:18, 19) Amandla okuchaphazela iimvakalelo zabanye anokubulala. Njengawo nawaphi na amandla, afanele asetyenziswe ngobulumko nangenkathalo.
Ukudlala ngothando kuyalahlekisa, kukungabi naluthando yaye ngokufuthi kuyinkohlakalo. Kunokonakalisa ulwalamano olunokuba lolwakhayo noluthandekayo. Kunokwenza abanye bakuthabathe lula. Okubi ngakumbi kukuba, kunokukhokelela kwimicimbi yothando ongekayilungeli okanye kwanasekuziphatheni okubi ngokwesini! IBhayibhile iyalumkisa: “Umntu unokuwuthabatha na umlilo ase esifubeni sakhe, zingatshi na iingubo zakhe?”—IMizekeliso 6:27.
‘Ndifuna Abantu Bandithande’
Kambe ke, kuyinto yokwemvelo ukufuna ukuthandwa. Yaye kuwe kunokubonakala ngathi abo badlala ngothando bafumana lonke ulonwabo, ukuba abo bakwaziyo ukuzenza babe nomtsalane ngabona banabahlobo abaninzi. Kodwa ngaba ngokwenene umntu odlala ngothando uzakhela ubuhlobo bokwenyaniso nobuhlala buhleli? Nakanye. Enyanisweni, abanye banokumthanda umntu odlala ngothando ngoxa nje ingqalelo esayijolise kubo. Kodwa xa ngequbuliso ingqalelo inikelwa komnye umntu, ngokuqhelekileyo bayamcaphukela loo mntu udlala ngothando.
Ngoko, akumangalisi ukuba uhlolisiso lwamantombazana akwishumi elivisayo, angama-80 ekhulwini asigqala ‘isimo senkwenkwe sokudlala ngothando njengesingenasidima konke-konke.’ Kunjengokuba umzekeliso wamandulo usithi: “Isijorha siyihlisela ishwangusha inyama yaso.”—IMizekeliso 11:17.
Ulwalamano Oluhlaziyayo
Kuyavunywa ukuba, akusoloko kulula ukuba nolungelelwano olululo ekuqhubaneni nowesini esahlukileyo. Intwazana ekwishumi elivisayo uKelly ithi ikufumanise “kunzima ukubona umahluko phakathi kokuba nobuhlobo nokudlala ngothando.” Yongezelela isithi: “Ndinobuhlobo gqitha.”
Akukho nto iphosakeleyo ekubeni nobuhlobo. Yaye akuyomfuneko ukubufihla ubuntu bakho okanye ukuba nobuso obungatyhilekanga. Ukukwazi ukuqhubeka nencoko eyakhayo nebonakalisa inkcubeko kububuchule obunokukunceda ufumane abahlobo. Ngapha koko, ukuncokola ngokukhululekileyo akunakufane kuqondwe phosakeleyo kunokuba kunjalo ukujonga ngamehlo athethayo okanye ngoncumo oluneentloni ubani othile okwelinye icala legumbi. Kodwa ukuba unobuhlobo kuphela noontanga bakho besini esahlukileyo yaye ubonakale phantse ubatyeshela abanye, abangethi na abanye benze isigqibo esiphosakeleyo ngawe?
Undoqo kukuba ‘ungaxuneli kwezakho izinto zodwa, ufanele uxunele nakwezabanye’—kungakhathaliseki ubudala okanye isini. (Filipi 2:4) Phepha intetho, isinxibo, ukuzilungisa okanye izenzo ezinokugqalwa njengezivuselela iimvakalelo. (Thelekisa eyoku-1 kuTimoti 2:9.) Ukuba udume ngokubonakalisa umdla wokwenene ebantwini jikelele, kungangenkankulu ukuba ubuhlobo bakho bugqalwe phosakeleyo njengenyathelo lokuthandana. Ngentetho nangezenzo zakho, unokudlulisa umyalelo ocacileyo othi: ‘Andibandakanyekanga ekudlaleni ngothando! ’
[Umbhalo osemazantsi]
a Bona isahluko 29 (“Ngaba Ndikulungele Ukwenza Amadinga?”) Kwincwadi ethi Imibuzo Yabantu Abaselula—Iimpendulo Eziluncedo, epapashwe yiWatchtower Bible and Tract Society of New York, Inc.
[Umfanekiso okwiphepha 18]
Bonakalisa umdla wokwenene kubo bonke abantu—kungakhathaliseki ukuba bakobuphi ubudala okanye isini