Kodi Chimachititsa Ndewu m’Banja Nchiyani?

“Mmalo mwa kukhala pothaŵirapo ku zitsenderezo, zipsinjo, ndi kusalingalira kwa anthu a kunjako, kaŵirikaŵiri banja limawonekera kukhala likubweretsa kapena ngakhale kukulitsa zitsenderezozi.”—The Intimate Environment—Exploring Marriage and the Family.

KUFUFUZA pankhani ya ndewu m’banja kuli kwakukulukulu kuyesayesa kwatsopano. Mafufuzidwe okulira achitidwa kokha mkati mwa zaka makumi aposachedwapa. Zotulukapo za mafufuzidwewo mwina zingakhale zosagwirizana nthaŵi zonse, koma mfundo zazikulu zosonkhezera ndewu m’banja zatulukiridwa. Tiyeni tilingalire zina za zimenezi.

Kodi Ndimbali Yotani Imene Chiyambi cha Banja Chiri Nayo?

Ofufuza angapo anati ponena za zimene anapeza: “Pamene okwatirana amene tinafunsa anali andewu kwambiri, ndipamenenso ana awo anali andewu kwa wina ndi mnzake, ndi kwa makolo awo.”

Kungopenyerera ndewu m’banja kuli ndi chiyambukiro chachikulu pa wachichepere. “Mwana wopenyerera amake akumenyedwa ndiwofanana ndi mwana amene akumenyedwa,” anatero dokotalayo John Bradshaw. Wachichepere wina wotchedwa Ed anada kuwona atate wake akumamenya amake. Komabe, ngakhale kuti angakhale anali wosakuzindikira, iye anali kuphunzitsidwa kukhulupirira kuti amuna ayenera kulamulira akazi ndi kuti kuti atero, amuna ayenera kuwawopseza, kuwavulaza, ndi kuwaluluza. Atakula, Ed anagwiritsira ntchito njira zankhanza, zachiwawa zimenezi pa mkazi wake.

Makolo ena mwaluntha amaletsa ana awo kuwonerera ndewu pawailesi yakanema, ndipo chimenecho nchinthu chabwino. Komatu makolo ayenera kukhala ochenjerera kwambiri ponena za kusamalira mkhalidwe wa iwo eni monga chitsanzo choti chitsanziridwe ndi ana awo okhoza kutsanzira mosavutawo.

Kodi Chipsinjo Chiri ndi Mbali Yotani?

Kukhala ndi pakati, ulova, imfa ya kholo, kusamuka, kudwala, ndi mavuto andalama zimabweretsa chipsinjo, monga momwe zinthu zina zimachitira. Anthu ambiri amagonjetsa chipsinjo popanda kukhala andewu. Komabe, kwa ena, chipsinjo chingakhale kalambule bwalo wa ndewu, makamaka chitagwirizanitsidwa ndi mfundo zina. Mwachitsanzo, kusamalira kholo lokalamba—makamaka pamene khololo liri lodwala—kaŵirikaŵiri kwachititsa kuchita nkhanza pamene wopereka chisamaliroyo ali wothodwa ndi mathayo ena abanja.

Kulera ana kumachititsa chipsinjo. Monga chotulukapo, kuthekera kwa kuchitira nkhanza ana kungawonjezekere limodzi ndi ukulu wa banjalo. Anawo angawonjezerenso kuchitira nkhanza anzawo amuukwati, pakuti “kuli kukanganirana ana kumene mothekera kwambiri kumayambitsa kumenyana kwa okwatirana,” likusimba motero bukhulo Behind Closed Doors.

Lingaliro Lolakwa la Kukhala Mwamuna Kapena Mkazi

Dan Bajorek, amene amatsogolera kagulu kopereka uphungu m’Canada, akunena kuti amuna ankhanza ali ndi lingaliro lolakwika la akazi: “Chirichonse chimene chingakhale chitaganya kumene amachokera, iwo aleredwa ali ndi chikhulupiriro chakuti amuna ndiwo apamwamba.” Hamish Sinclair, yemwe akutsogolera programu yochiritsa amuna ankhanza, akunena kuti amuna anaphunzitsidwa kukhulupirira kuti iwo ali apamwamba koposa akazi ndi kuti ali ndi kuyenera kwa “kulanga akazi, kuwaphunzitsa kapena kuwawopseza.”

M’maiko ambiri mwamuna amalingaliridwa kukhala ali ndi kuyenera kwa kuchitira mkazi wake mofanana ndi kanthu wamba, monga kamodzi ka zinthu zake. Mphamvu zake ndi kulamulira kwake mkazi wake zimalingaliridwa monga mlingo wa kukhala mwamuna ndi ulemu wake. Kaŵirikaŵiri akazi amakung’unthidwa kwadzawoneni ndi kuchitiridwa nkhanza mwanjira ina, ndipo malamulo amachita zochepa kwambiri ndi mkhalidwewo chifukwa chakuti ndiwo mwambo m’maiko oterowo. Mwamuna ngwapamwamba, ndipo mkazi ngwotsika; mkaziyo ayenera kugonjera mwamunayo kotheratu mosasamala kanthu za kukhala kwake wosalemekezeka, wachiwawa, woluluzika, kapena wadyera.

Mtola nkhani wa wailesi yakanema wa CBS Morley Safer anasimba za dziko lina la ku South America loterolo kuti: “Palibe kulikonse m’Latin America kumene mwambo wa kudzikweza kwa amuna uli wowonekera kwambiri . . . Ukuyambukira chitaganya chonsecho, kuphatikizapo m’mabwalo amilandu kumene potetezera ulemu wa iyemwini mwamuna angachite chirichonse popanda kuwopa kulangidwa, makamaka ngati mkholeyo ali mkazi wake.” Iye anatsimikiza kuti “palibe malo padziko lapansi amene amaluluza akazi” mofanana ndi dziko limenelo. Koma kulamulira kwa amuna ndi kululuzidwa kwa akazi nkofala. Sikuli kolekezera kudziko limodzi lokha, mulimonse mmene kungakhalire kwakukulu kumeneko.

Minna Schulman, mtsogoleri wa gulu losamalira ndewu m’banja ndi gulu lotsimikizira kugwira ntchito kwa lamulo m’New York, anafotokoza kuti ndewu ndicho chipangizo chimene amuna amagwiritsira ntchito kulamulira ndi kusonyezera mphamvu ndi ulamuliro pa akazi. Iye anawonjezera kuti: “Tikuwona ndewu m’banja kukhala kugwiritsira ntchito molakwa mphamvu ndi ulamuliro.”

Ena omenya akazi amavutika ndi kudzitchipisa, chikhoterero chimodzimodzicho chimene amakhomereza mwa mikhole yawo. Ngati angachite zimenezo, pamenepo kudzitamandira kwawo kudzakhala kutakwaniritsidwa, ndipo adzadziwona kukhala ali ndi mlingo wakutiwakuti wa kukwezeka ndi kulamulira munthu wina. Iwo amalingalira kuti amatsimikizira kukhala kwawo amuna mwanjira imeneyi. Komabe kodi amatero? Popeza kuti amachita ndewuyo ndi akazi ofoka mwakuthupi, kodi zimatsimikizira kuti alidi amuna anyonga, kapena, mmalo mwake, kodi zimatsimikizira kuti iwo ali osalingalira? Kodi ndiyodi nyonga kuti mwamuna wamphamvupo adzimenya mkazi wofoka, wopanda chitetezo kwambiriyo? Mwamuna wokhala ndi makhalidwe amphamvu adzasonyeza kulingalira ndi chifundo kwa ofoka ndi opanda chitetezo, osawadyera masuku pamutu.

Chisonyezero china cha kulingalira kopanda pake kwa wankhanzayo ndicho chenicheni chakuti iye kaŵirikaŵiri amaimba mlandu mkazi wake kuti amamsonkhezera kumenyako. Iye angapereke lingaliro, kapena ngakhale kuuza mkaziyo, zinthu zonga zakuti: ‘Sunachite bwino izi. Ndicho chifukwa chake ndikukumenya.’ Kapena ‘Chakudya chinachedwa, chotero ukulandira zokuyenerera.’ M’malingaliro a wankhanzayo, mkaziyo akudzimenyetsa. Komabe, palibe zolephera za winayo zimene zimalungamitsa kuchitira nkhalwe.

Kodi Zoledzeretsa Zimapanga Kusiyanako?

Popeza kuti zoledzeretsa zimachepetsa kulamulira ndipo zimakulitsa kuthekera kwa kuchita mwansontho, sikuli kodabwitsa kuti ena amalingalira kuti zingayambitse kuchita nkhanza. Kaŵirikaŵiri munthu amakhala wokhoza kulamulira malingaliro andewu pamene ali wosaledzera, koma atamwa kangapo, iye amafikira kukhala wankhanza. Zoledzeretsa zagodomalitsa malingaliro ake ndi kuchepetsa kukhoza kwake kwa kulamulira maganizo ake.

Komabe, ena, amanena kuti vutolo lazikidwa mowonjezereka pa kupsinjika maganizo koposa pa zoledzeretsa zenizenizo. Amanena kuti munthu amene amamwa zoledzeretsa kuti alimbane ndi chipsinjo chamaganizo ngwofanana kwambiri ndi munthu amene amachita ndewu kaamba ka chifuno chimenecho. Zimenezi zikutanthauza kuti wakumwayo angakhale wankhanza pamene ali wosaledzera mofanana ndi pamene ali woledzera. Komabe, chirichonse chimene chiri chifukwa cha kutero, ndithudi zoledzeretsa sizimathandizira kulamulira maganizo a munthuwe koma izo kaŵirikaŵiri zidzachita mosiyana.

Mmene Zoulutsira Mawu Zimasonkhezerera Zochita

Ena amanena kuti, wailesi yakanema, limodzi ndi kanema, zimalimbikitsa mkhalidwe wankhalwe kwa amuna ndi kuphunzitsa kuti chiwawa ndicho njira yalamulo yothetsera mikangano ndi mkwiyo. “Ndinadabwa kwambiri ndi mmene ndinachitira nditawona kanema wa Rambo,” akuvomereza motero phungu wina wabanja. “Pamene malingaliro anga [amkati] auchikulire akuipidwa ndi kupha kosakaza kwa Rambo, [amkati] achibwana akumlimbikitsa kupitirizabe.”

Popeza kuti ana ambiri amawonerera wailesi yakanema kwamaola zikwi zambiri limodzi ndi machitachita osaŵerengeka achiwawa, kugwirira chigololo, ndi kululuza anthu ena, makamaka akazi, sikuli kodabwitsa kuti ambiri amakula ali kuchita mogwirizana ndi zikhoterero zosafunika zenizenizo pa ena. Saali ana okha amene ayambukiridwa koma achikulire nawonso atero.

Ndiponso, makamaka m’zaka zaposachedwapa, mlingo wa chiwawa chenicheni, chisembwere, ndi kululuza akazi monga momwe kwasonyezedwera pawailesi yakanema, muakanema wawonjezereka kwambiri. Zimenezi sizingachitire mwina kusiyapo kuipitsa zochitika za ndewu m’banja. Monga momwe kagulu kofufuza kena kanapezera, pali “mgwirizano . . . wachiwonekere pakati pa kuwonerera chiwawa ndi mkhalidwe wankhalwe.”

Chiyambukiro cha Kudzilekanitsa

Moyo ngwopanda tanthauzo ndi wonyong’onya kwa ambiri lerolino. Masitolo odzitengera wekha zinthu ndi masitolo otchipitsa zinthu a holo selo alowa mmalo masitolo aang’ono aubwenzi a m’chitaganya. Kumangidwa kwa nyumba zazikulu ndi zatsopano mumzinda, mavuto a zachuma, ndi ulova zimakakamiza mabanja kukhala osintha mwamsanga. Mlingo waukulu wa ndewu m’banja ukupezeka pakati pa osagwirizana mwamphamvu m’makhalidwe.

James C. Coleman, m’bukhu lake lakuti Intimate Relationships, Marriage, and the Family, akufotokoza chifukwa chimene iye amalingalilira kuti zimenezi ziri choncho. Iye akulingalira kuti kukhala wonyong’onyeka kumachepetsa makambitsirano atanthauzo ndi kukupangitsa kukhala kovuta kwa wankhanzayo kuwona mkhalidwe wake motsimikizira ndi kufunafuna chithandizo kwa bwenzi lodalirika. Kusakhala ndi mabwenzi ndi achibale apafupi amene angachite ngati mphamvu yoletsa kumakhozetsa munthuyo kuchita mkhalidwe wake wadyera mosavuta kwambiri, popeza kuti malingaliro ake olakwika sakutsutsidwa tsiku ndi tsiku ndi ena apafupi naye. Kuli monga momwe Miyambo 18:1 imanenera kuti: “Wopanduka afunafuna chifuniro chake, nakangana ndi nzeru yonse yeniyeni.”

Chithandizo ku Banja Landewu

Takambitsirana mbali yochepa ya zifukwa zonenedwa kuti zimapangitsa ndewu m’banja. Pali zina. Pokhala titadziŵa zina za zochititsa, tsopano tifunikira kupenda njira zothetsera. Ngati munthuwe uli m’banja landewu, kodi mkhalidwe wankhanza ungathetsedwe motani? Kodi lingaliro la Baibulo nlotani? Kodi ndewu m’banja zidzatha konse? Nkhani ya patsamba 10 idzalongosola mafunso ameneŵa.

[Bokosi/Chithunzi patsamba 9]

Ndewu Zamalingaliro Kukantha Zolimba ndi Mawu

M’NKHANZA zakuthupi chiukirocho chimaphatikizapo nkhonya; nkhanza zamalingaliro kuukirako kuli kwamawu. Chosiyana chokha ndicho mtundu wa chida. Kuli monga momwe Miyambo 12:18 amanenera kuti: “Alipo wonena mwansontho ngati kupyoza kwa lupanga. Koma lilime la anzeru lilamitsa.”

Kodi ndewu yamalingaliro njowopsa motani, kuphatikizapo “kupyoza kwa lupanga” kumeneku? Dr. Susan Forward akulemba kuti: Mwamaganizo “zotulukapo nzofanana [ndi kumenya kwenikweniko]. Umawopsezedwa mofananamo, umamva kukhala wosatetezereka mofananamo, ndipo umapwetekedwa kwambiri mofananamo.”

Ndewu yamalingaliro kwa mnzawo wamuukwati: “Ndewu ya muukwati siiri yakuthupi chabe. Mbali yaikulu, mwinamwake ngakhale yaikulu koposa, njamawu ndi yamalingaliro,” unatero mkhole wina wa nthaŵi yaitali. Nkhanzazo zingaphatikizepo kutukwana, kulalata, kusuliza kosalekeza, kunyazitsana, ndi ziwopsezo za kumenya kwenikweniko.

Mawu osinjirira amene amaluluza, kuchepetsa, kapena kuwopseza angakhale ndi chivulazo chowopsa. Mofanana ndi madzi odonthera pathanthwe, kubwatikana koluluza kungawonekere kukhala kosavulaza poyamba. Koma ulemu waumwini mwamsanga umatha. “Ngati ndinafunikira kuti ndisankhe pakati pa kumenyedwa ndi kutukwanidwa, panthaŵi iriyonse ndikanasankha kumenyedwa,” anatero mkazi wina. “Ungawone zipsera,” iye anafotokoza motero, “chotero anthu amakumvera chifundo. Ponena za kutukwanidwa, kumakukwiyitsa kwadzawoneni. Mabalawo ngosawoneka. Palibe aliyense amene amasamala.”

Kumenya mwana mwamalingaliro: Zimenezi zingaphatikizepo kusuliza ndi kululuza kosalekeza mawonekedwe a mwanayo, kupanda nzeru, kusakhoza, kapena uchabechabe wa mwanayo monga munthu. Kutonyola kuli kovulaza mwapadera. Ana kaŵirikaŵiri amawona mawu otonyola monga momwe aliri, popanda kusiyanitsa pakati pa zimene zikunenedwa mowona mtima ndi zimene zikunenedwa “mongoseka.” Sing’anga wabanja Sean Hogan-Downey akuti: “Mwanayo amakwiyitsidwa, koma aliyense akuseka, chotero iye amaphunzira kusadalira malingaliro ake.”

Chotero, m’zochitika zambiri, nzowona zimene wolemba mbiri yakale ndi ndakatulo wa ku Scotland Thomas Carlyle adanena panthaŵi ina kuti: “Tsopano ndawona kuti, kaŵirikaŵiri kutonyola ndiko chinenero cha Mdyerekezi; ndicho chifukwa chake ine, ndinalekeratu kalekale.”

Joy Byers, katswiri wodziŵa za kuchitiridwa nkhanza kwa ana, akuti: “Kuchita nkhanza mwakuthupi kungaphe mwana, koma mungaphenso chifuno chake, ndipo zimenezo ndizo zimene chitsanzo cha mawu osakondweretsa a kholo chingachite.” Magazini a FLEducator akupereka ndemanga zakuti: “Mosafanana ndi chilonda chimene chingawonedwe ndi kupola, nkhanza zamalingaliro zimapangitsa masinthidwe osawoneka m’maganizo mwa mwana ndi umunthu zimene zimapanga masinthidwe achikhalire umunthu wake ndi kuyanjana kwake ndi ena.”

[Chithunzi patsamba 7]

Kuwonerera chiwawa kuli ndi chiyambukiro champhamvu pamkhalidwe wamtsogolo wa mwana