Kusungulumwa—Nsautso Yobisika

KODI mukhoza kuwazindikira m’gulu la anthu? Kodi kumaonekera pankhope zawo? Pamene iwo akupatsani moni, kodi kumaphimbidwa ndi kumwetulira kwawo? Kodi mungawazindikire mwa kayendedwe kawo, kaimidwe kapena kakhalidwe ka thupi lawo? Onani mwamuna wokalamba amene wakhala yekha pabenchi m’paki kapena msungwana amene ali yekha m’myuziyamu—kodi iwo ali ovutitsidwa ndi kusungulumwa? Pendani mibadwo itatu mwakuyang’ana amayi, mwana wamkazi, ndi mdzukulu akuyenda pang’onopang’ono m’kanjira kapakati pa masitolo. Iwo akuoneka osangalala ndithu, koma kodi mungakhale wotsimikiza? Talingalirani za anzanu apantchito. Mungakhale mukuwadziŵa kukhala anthu achimwemwe okhala ndi mabanja amene amawasamala bwino ndiponso ndi malipiro okwanira kuwachilikiza bwino lomwe. Komabe, kodi zingachitike kuti aliyense wa iwo anganenedi mowona mtima kuti, “Ndili wosungulumwa”? Ndipo kodi nkotheka kuti wachichepere wachimwemwe, wathanzi labwino angakhale wosungulumwa? Mayankho a mafunso ameneŵa angakudabwitseni.

“Kusungulumwa” kumafotokozedwa mu Webster’s Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary monga “kukhala ndi malingaliro osweka kapena omwazikana.” Ndiko lingaliro la kumva kukhala wosoŵa kanthu kena, kudzimva kukhala wopanda pake mkati mwa munthuwe, ndipo kaŵirikaŵiri sikumazindikirika m’maonekedwe akunja. Wofufuza wina akunena kuti: “M’chitaganya chathu, kusungulumwa ndiko kanthu kena kamene timakabisa—nthaŵi zina ngakhale kwa ife eni. Kusungulumwa kuli ndi chitonzo china chake. Anthu ambiri amalingalira kuti ngati munthu wasungulumwa, umakhala mlandu wake. Ngati sichoncho, akanakhala ndi mabwenzi ambiri, sizowona nanga?” Nthaŵi zina zimenezi zingakhale zowona, makamaka ngati timayembekezera kapena timafuna anthu kutichitira zopambanitsa.

Akazi Osungulumwa

Akatswiri akuonekera kukhala akuvomereza kuti akazi—makamaka akazi okwatiwa—a misinkhu yonse amafuna zambiri m’moyo kuposa amuna. Momvekera bwino, akazi amasiye, akazi osudzulidwa, ndi akazi okalamba osakwatiwa nthaŵi zina amasungulumwa. Koma bwanji ponena za akazi ooneka kukhala okwatiwa mwachimwemwe ndipo okhala ndi mabanja? Mwachitsanzo, talingalirani mawu odandaula awa a mphunzitsi wa zaka 40: “Ndilibe nthaŵi yakukhala ndi mabwenzi; ndimailakalaka kwambiri. Koma zikundivuta ngakhale kunena zimenezo. Kodi ndingadandaule bwanji za kusungulumwa . . . ? Ndi iko komwe, ndili ndi ukwati wabwino, ana abwino, nyumba yokongola, ntchito imene ndimakonda. Ndimanyadira zimene ndakwaniritsa. Komatu kanthu kena kakusoŵeka.”

Ngakhale kuti akazi angakondedi amuna awo ndi kukhala odzipereka kwa iwo, ndiponso amuna awowo nkuchita zofananazo kwa akaziwo, chikondi choterocho mwa icho chokha sichimakwaniritsa zonse zimene amafunikira muubwenzi. Mphunzitsi wogwidwa mawuyo akufotokoza kuti: “Ngakhale kuti mwamuna wanga ndiye bwenzi langa la pamtima, ubwenziwo sumakwaniritsa chosoŵa changa cha mabwenzi aakazi. Amuna angamve, koma akazi amamvetsera. Mwamuna wanga samafuna kudziŵa za kuvutika kwanga. Iye amafuna kuchitapo kanthu pomwepo ndi kuthetsa vutolo mwamsanga. Koma mabwenzi anga aakazi amandilola kulankhula ponena za vutolo. Ndipo nthaŵi zina ndimangofuna kulankhula.”

Pamene mkazi atayikiridwa ndi wokondedwa wake mu imfa kapena chisudzulo, kuvutika mtima kwake kungakhale kwakukulu. Iye amayamba kusungulumwa. Mkazi wamasiye wachisoniyo kapena wosudzulidwayo sayenera kutembenukira kwa banja ndi mabwenzi okha kuti apeze chichilikizo, koma ayeneranso kutembenukira kwa iyemwini ku nyonga yake kuti asinthire kumkhalidwe watsopanowo. Ngakhale kuti kutayikiridwa kwakeko kudzakhala mbali ya moyo wake nthaŵi zonse, ayenera kuzindikira kuti sayenera kukulola kumlepheretsa kupitiriza ndi moyo wokangalika. Akatswiri apeza kuti awo amene ali ndi maumunthu olimba kaŵirikaŵiri amalaka kusungulumwa kwawo mofulumira kuposa ena.

Pali kusiyana kwa malingaliro ponena za amene amapwetekedwa mtima kwambiri—mkazi wamasiye kapena wosudzulidwa. Magazini akuti 50 Plus anasimba kuti: “Nthaŵi zonse pamene tiitana akazi osudzulidwa m’gulu lathu lothandiza akazi amasiye, magulu aŵiriwo amakangana ponena za amene amapwetekedwa kwambiri. Mkazi wamasiye amati, ‘Mnzangawe ulipo bwino, chifukwa mwamuna wako ngwamoyo,’ pamene wosudzulidwa adzati, ‘Ha, iwetu sunakanidwepo mmene ndinachitira ine. Sudziŵa mmene kukanidwa kumapwetekera.’”

Amuna Osungulumwa

Ponena za kusungulumwa, amuna sangadzitame kuti ali olimba kuposa akazi. “Amuna amakonda kuchita zinthu kuposa kulingalira,” anatero Anne Studner, katswiri wa programu ya Widowed Persons Service ya AARP (American Association of Retired Persons). “Akazi amasimba za nkhani yowavutitsa mobwerezabwereza, pamene amuna amafuna kukwatira mkazi wina m’malo movutika ndi malingaliro.” Aphungu achimuna angathere nthaŵi yaikulu akucheza ndi amuna amasiye asanayambe pang’onopang’ono kukambitsirana nawo zopweteka mtima zawo.

Akatswiri apeza kuti, mosiyana ndi akazi, amuna amafunafuna mkazi monga woululirana naye zakukhosi m’malo mwa mwamuna. Dr. Ladd Wheeler, katswiri wa zakusungulumwa pa Yunivesite ya Rochester, akuulula kuti amuna samaululirana kwambiri zakukhosi mokhutiritsana. “Chifuno cha kuthaŵa mkhalidwe wovutitsa wakupanda wina wouzana naye zakukhosi pambuyo pa imfa ya mkazi, ndi kufunafuna bwenzi lachikazi kotsatirapo, kungathandizenso kumvetsetsa chifukwa chake amuna ambiri amakwatiranso msanga pambuyo pa kuferedwa kapena kusudzulidwa kuposa akazi.”—Magazini a 50 Plus.

Achichepere Osungulumwa

Zilipo zifukwa zambiri zimene ana ndi achichepere okulirapo angakhalire osungulumwa—kaŵirikaŵiri zofanana ndi zimene zimayambukira achikulire. Kusamukira kumalo atsopano ndi kusiya mabwenzi; kosakondedwa ndi anzawo a kusukulu yatsopano; kusiyana kwa zipembedzo ndi miyambo; chisudzulo m’nyumba; kumva kukhala wosakondedwa ndi makolo; kukanidwa ndi atsikana kapena anyamata—zinthu zoterozo nzothekera kuchititsa kusungulumwa.

Ana aang’ono kwambiri amafuna wina wochita naye maseŵera awo. Amafuna chichilikizo cha malingaliro ndi kumvetsetsa. Amafuna kukondedwa ndi kusonyezedwa kuti ali ofunika. Amafuna kudziŵa kuti ena adzakhala okhulupirika ndi odalirika. Pamene akondedwa, amamva kukhala otetezereka ndiponso amaphunzira kukonda ena. Zochilikiza za makhalidwe zimenezi zingachokere ku magwero osiyanasiyana—banja, anzawo, ndipo ngakhale ziŵeto.

Ophunzira aamuna ndi aakazi omwe, kuyambira kupulaimale mpaka ku koleji, kaŵirikaŵiri amavutika ndi kusungulumwa kofananako, nthaŵi zambiri kochititsidwa ndi kukanidwa ndi anzawo. “Ndimamva kuipa chifukwa chakuti ndimakhala ndekha ndipo sindimalankhula,” anadandaula motero wophunzira wina wamkazi pasukulu ya sekondale. “Ndimangomvetsera kwa mphunzitsi, kulemba ntchito yanga basi zokhazo. Pamene ndipeza nthaŵi yomasuka, ndimangokhala pansi ndikujambula zinthu kapena kuchita kanthu kena. Munthu aliyense amakhala akukambitsirana ndi wina, koma palibe amene amalankhula nane. . . . Ndidziŵa kuti sindingapitirizebe kusalankhula. Koma pakali pano, sindingachitire mwina.”

Komabe, sinthaŵi zonse kuti mlandu ungaikidwe pa kunyalanyaza kapena mphwayi ya anthu ena. Munthu mwiniyo angakhale ndi vuto la mkhalidwe kapena la mayanjano, monga ngati kukhala wamanyazi kwambiri, wamsunamo, ndi wamtima wapachala kwakuti kumamvuta kukhala bwino ndi anzake. Kupunduka kungakhalenso ndi mbali yaikulu m’kupangitsa achichepere a misinkhu yonse kusungulumwa kusiyapo ngati oterowo ali olimba ndi ochangamuka.

Kufunika kwa Kudzithandiza Nokha

Wophunzitsa zathanzi Dolores Delcoma wa pa California State University Fullerton anatchula mfundo yeniyeni pamene anathirira ndemanga pakuyesayesa kwa munthu kuthaŵa kusungulumwa kuti: “Kuyesayesako kuyenera kuchokera mwa munthu mwiniyo. Iye potsirizira pake ayenera kuzindikira vuto lake chifukwa chakuti mosasamala kanthu za ukulu wa chithandizo chimene ena angapereke, munthu yekha amene angamthandize kuchoka mumkhalidwewo ali iyemwiniyo.”

Awo amene amachititsa kusintha kukhala kowavuta amafotokozedwa ndi Dr. Warren Jones kukhala a maumunthu okhoterera pakusungulumwa: “Anthu ameneŵa mosadziŵa amachita zinthu zimene zimawaletsa kudzimva kukhala okondedwa ndi ena. Ena samadziŵa kumvetsera, ndipo amafuna kumalankhula iwo okha. Amakhala osuliza ena ndi iwo okha; amafunsa mafunso ochepa, ndipo kaŵirikaŵiri amaswa ubwenzi mwakunena zinthu zokhumudwitsa kapena zopweteka.”

Kuwonjezera pa anthu otero, amene kwakukulukulu amadziona kukhala otsika, alipo ena amene alibe maluso akuyanjana ofunikira m’kumvana ndi ena. Ponena za iwo, katswiri wochiritsa Evelyn Moschetta akunena kuti: “Anthu osungulumwa samakhala ndi malingaliro abwino ponena za iwo eni. Powopa kukanidwa, amapeŵa kuyanjana ndi ena.”

Komabe, mosiyana ndi zimene ambiri amakhulupirira, ofufuza apeza kuti amuna ndi akazi okalamba samasungulumwa kwambiri mofanana ndi anthu achicheperepo. Iwo sadziŵa chifukwa chake. Apezanso kuti pamene kusungulumwa kugwira okalamba, kaŵirikaŵiri kumakhala chifukwa cha kusoŵa mabwenzi osati kaamba ka kusoŵa achibale. “Sikuti maunansi achibale sali ofunika kwa okalamba. Iwo amafuna chithandizo kwa a m’banja. Koma akhoza kukhala ndi a m’banja ambiri owathandiza, komabe amasungulumwa kwambiri ngati alibe mabwenzi.”

Kufunika kwa Mabwenzi Apamtima

Kwa anthu a misinkhu yonse, mabwenzi apamtima nthaŵi zina amapereka chikhutiritso chimene banja kapena achibale sangachipereke. Anthu amafunikira bwenzi, bwenzi lapamtima, limene angauze zakukhosi kapena kuululira nkhani zawo popanda kuopa kupwetekedwa mtima. Popanda bwenzi loterolo, kusungulumwa kungakule. Ndilo bwenzi limene wolemba nkhani wa ku America Ralph Waldo Emerson analemba kuti: ‘Bwenzi nlimene ndingalingalire momasuka pamaso pake.’ Munthu woteroyo ali woululira zakukhosi amene mungadziulule kwa iye kotheratu popanda kuopa kuvumbulidwa kapena nkhaŵa yakuti zinsinsi zanu zidzagwiritsiridwa ntchito kukunyozani kapena kuchititsa ena kukusekani. Mwinamwake anthu ena amene munawayesa mabwenzi okhulupirika sanakhale odalirika nthaŵi zonse, koma “lilipo bwenzi” limene ‘siliulula zinsinsi za mwini,’ limene “lipambana ndi mbale kuumirira.”—Miyambo 18:24; 25:9.

Pali awo amene amakonda kudzionetsa kukhala olimba osafunikira munthu wina. Amadzitcha kukhala odziimira paokha ndi odzidalira. Komabe, iwo kaŵirikaŵiri amasonkhana m’magulu otchedwa olimba. Ana amakhala ndi magulu a mabwenzi, amamanga nyumba za masanje, amapanga magulu; anyamata ndi asungwana okulirapo ali ndi magulu oyenda panjinga zamoto; apandu ali ndi zigaŵenga zinzawo zimene sizimaululana; awo okhala ndi mavuto auchidakwa amaloŵa m’Magulu Othandiza Zidakwa; awo ovutika ndi kunenepetsa amaloŵa m’Magulu Othandiza Onenepetsa. Anthu amafuna kuyanjana ndi ofanana nawo; amagwirizana kuti achilikizane. Ngakhale m’mavuto awo, amakonda kuyanjana ndi ena okhala ndi mavuto ofananawo. Ndipo mogwirizana amadana ndi kusungulumwa. Kodi nchiyani chingachitidwe ponena za kusungulumwa?

[Mawu Otsindika patsamba 26]

“Anthu osungulumwa samakhala ndi malingaliro abwino ponena za iwo eni”