Ukwanelisa Umnqweno Wethu Wokufuna Abahlobo

“UBULOLO ayisosigulo,” itsho njalo incwadi ethi In Search of Intimacy. “Ubulolo ngumnqweno ofanelekileyo . . . , ngumqondiso wokuba sifuna ubuhlobo.” Kanye njengokuba indlala isibangela sinqwenele ukutya okunezondlo, ubulolo bufanele busishukumisele ekubeni sifune abahlobo abalungileyo.

Kodwa, njengokuba uYaël, ibhinqa eliselula laseFransi esitsho, “bambi abantu abafuni kwanto ibadibanisa nabanye abantu.” Kanti ukuzenza unkom’ idla yodwa, enoba kungenxa yasiphi na isizathu akuzicombululi iingxaki yaye kugqibela ngokusenza sibe ngamalolo ngakumbi. Umzekeliso weBhayibhile uthi: “Ozahlulayo uya kufuna ulangazelelo lwakhe lokuzingca; uya kuphambuka kubo bonke ubulumko bobuqili.” (IMizekeliso 18:1) Ngoko, kuqala simele siyiqonde into yokuba siyabafuna abahlobo size ke sizimisele ukuthabatha amanyathelo athile.

Thabatha Amanyathelo Okwakha Ubuhlobo

Kunokuba ube uzisizela okanye ube nomona ngabo babonakala benabahlobo abaninzi okanye benabahlobo bokwenene, kutheni ungalungisi isimo sengqondo sakho, njengoko wenzayo uManuela waseItali? Uthi: “Ngokukodwa ngoxa ndandikwishumi elivisayo, ndandivakalelwa kukuba ndenziwa ikheswa. Ukuze ndilwe nale ngxaki, ndaqwalasela kakuhle abantu abanabahlobo abalungileyo. Emva koko ndazama ukuhlakulela iimpawu ezintle abanazo ukuze nam ndibe ngumntu othandekayo kwabanye.”

Enye into onokuyenza kukunikel’ ingqalelo kwisiqu sakho. Ukutya ngendlela efanelekileyo, uphumle ngokwaneleyo uze ulolonge umzimba ngokulingeneyo kuya kukunceda ukhangeleke kakuhle yaye uzive ungumqabaqaba. Ukucoceka nokuzilungisa kakuhle kwenza abantu bakunandiphe ukuba kunye nawe yaye kukwenza ube nesidima. Noko ke, ungaweli emgibeni wokuzikhathaza gqitha ngenkangeleko yangaphandle. UGaëlle waseFransi uthi: “Ukunxiba iimpahla zefashoni akukwenzi ufumane abahlobo abanyanisekileyo. Abantu abanengqondo echubekileyo bajonga iimpawu onazo.”

Ngapha koko, izinto esithetha ngazo nendlela esikhangeleka ngayo iphenjelelwa ziingcinga zethu nendlela esivakalelwa ngayo. Ngaba ungumntu osoloko enesimo sengqondo esifanelekileyo? Oku kuya kukunceda kuba uya kusoloko ungumntu onobuso obukhululekileyo. Akukho nto itsala abantu njengoncumo olungenaluhanahaniso yaye uRoger E. Axtell oyingcali ngezimbo zomzimba, uthi: “lwaziwa ehlabathini lonke” yaye “alufane luqondwe ngendlela engeyiyo.”a Xa unabo noburharha abantu baya kutsaleleka kuwe.

Khumbula ukuba iimpawu ezintle ezinjalo zisuka ngaphakathi. Ngoko qhubeka uzalisa ingqondo nentliziyo yakho ngezinto ezakhayo. Funda ngezinto ezibangel’ umdla neziyingenelo—izinto ezingundaba-mlonyeni, izithethe ezahlukahlukeneyo nemimangaliso yendalo. Phulaphula umculo ohlaziyayo. Kodwa lumkela ukuba ingqondo yakho ithi phithi ngamaphupha akumabonwakude, kwiimovie nakwiinoveli. Ulwalamano oluboniswa kumabonwakude asinto yenzeka ngokoqobo, asibobuhlobo bokwenene kodwa ziingcinga nje zomntu othile.

Nyaniseka!

UZuleica ohlala eItali, uthi: “Ngoxa ndandiselula ndandineentloni yaye kwakunzima ukuba ndibe nabahlobo. Kodwa ndandisazi ukuba xa sifuna ukuba nabahlobo kufuneka sithabathe amanyathelo sizazise kwabanye size nathi sibe nomdla wokwazi abanye abantu.” Ewe, ukuze sibe nabahlobo bokwenene simele sithethe ngokukhululekileyo nabanye ukuze basazi kakuhle. Unxibelelwano olunjalo nabanye lubaluleke ngakumbi ukuze ubani abe nabahlobo bokwenene ngaphezu kokuba abe manz’ andonga yaye abe liqhaji. UGqr. Alan Loy McGinnis uthi: “Abantu abanabahlobo bokwenene basenokuba ngabantu abaneentloni, amaqhakraqhakra, abaselula, abadala, abantu nje abazithuleleyo, abakrelekrele, abangxathu, iimbelukazi; kodwa olona phawu banalo bonke, kukukhululeka. Bakhupha yonke imbilini yabo.”

Oku akuthethi ukuba uphalaz’ imbilini yakho kuye wonk’ umntu okanye uhambe uthetha ngeemfihlelo zakho kubantu ongakhululekanga kubo. Kodwa kuthetha ukuba ukhethe abantu onokusoloko uzityand’ igila kubo. UMichela waseItali, uthi: “Ekuqaleni ndandinengxaki yokungayichazi indlela endivakalelwa ngayo. Kwafuneka ndenze utshintsho ukuze abahlobo bam bayiqonde indlela endivakalelwa ngayo nokuze bazive besondele kum.”

Noko ke, kwanokuba ungumntu oliqhakraqhakra ngemvelo, kuthabath’ ixesha ngaphambi kokuba abahlobo bathembane yaye kubakho namava athile afanayo abaye banawo ebomini. Kwangaxeshanye, zama ukungazikhathazi kakhulu ngento abasenokuba abanye abantu bayayicinga ngawe. UElisa waseItali, uthi: “Ingxaki yam yayikukuba lonk’ ixesha ndifuna ukuthetha okuthile, ndandisoyika ukuba ndiza kubhuda. Emva koko ndandiye ndithi, ‘Ukuba abantu bangabahlobo bam bokwenene, baza kuyiqonda into endiyithethayo.’ Ngoko xa ndithethe into engeyiyo ndandidla ngokuzihleka nabanye balandele.”

Ngoko khululeka! Yiba nguwe. Akuncedi nto ukuzenza into ongeyiyo. UF. Alexander Magoun ongumcebisi weentsapho uthi: “Akukho mntu unokuba nomtsalane ngaphezu komntu ongazitshintshiyo into ayiyo.” Abantu abonwabe ngokwenene akuyomfuneko ukuba batshintshe ubuntu babo okanye bazame ukukholisa abanye abantu. Into enokusenza sibe nabahlobo bokwenene kukunyaniseka. Ngokufanayo, kufuneka singalindeli ukuba abanye batshintshe. Abantu abonwabileyo bamkela abanye njengoko benjalo, abakhalazeli yonke into le engenamsebenzi. Abavakalelwa kukuba bafanele babatshintshe abahlobo babo ukuze babe yile nto ifunwa ngabo. Zabalazela ukuba ngumntu owonwabileyo nongasoloko egxeka abanye.

Ukuze Ufumane Umhlobo, Yiba Ngumhlobo

Kukho enye into eyeyona ibalulekileyo—eyona nto ingundoqo. Malunga neminyaka engama-2 000 eyadlulayo, uYesu wabonisa ukuba eyona nto inokwenza umntu aphumelele kulo naluphi ulwalamano kukuba nothando lokungazingci. Wafundisa oku: “Kanye njengoko nifuna abantu benze kuni, yenzani ngendlela efanayo kubo.” (Luka 6:31) Le mfundiso iye yaziwa ngokuba nguMthetho Omkhulu. Ewe, ekuphela kwendlela yokufumana abahlobo bokwenene kukuba wena ube ngumhlobo ongazingciyo nophayo. Ngamany’ amazwi, ukuze ufumane umhlobo yiba ngumhlobo. Ukuze uphumelele ekwakheni ubuhlobo, umele uphe kunokuba usoloko usamkela. Simele sikulungele ukunyamekela iintswelo zomhlobo wethu ngaphambi kwezethu.

UManuela, ocatshulwe ngaphambilana uthi: “Kanye njengokuba uYesu watshoyo, ulonwabo lokwenene lufumaneka ngokupha. Umntu owamkelayo uyonwaba kodwa lowo uphayo wonwaba ngakumbi. Enye indlela esinokupha ngayo kukubuza impilo-ntle yabahlobo bethu, ukuzama ukuqonda iingxaki zabo nokwenza konke okusemandleni ethu singalindi ukuba bade bacele uncedo.” Ngoko yiba nomdla kwabanye kuquka abahlobo bakho. Qinisa amaqhina obuhlobo. Musa ukuncama ubuhlobo ngenxa yezinto ezingabalulekanga. Abahlobo bafuna ixesha nengqalelo. URuben waseItali uthi: “Ukuchitha ixesha ekufuneni nasekulondolozeni abahlobo, kubalulekile. Okokuqala, ukuphulaphula ngenyameko kufuna ixesha. Sonke sinokuphucula ekuphulaphuleni nasekubonakaliseni umdla koko kuthethwa ngabanye ngokungabaphazamisi xa bethetha.”

Bahlonele Abanye

Enye into ebalulekileyo kubuhlobo obuhlala buhleli kukuhlonelana. Oku kuquka ukuba nolwazelelelo ngeemvakalelo zabanye. Ufuna abahlobo bakho basebenzise ubuchule nobulumko xa bethanda izinto ezahlukileyo kwezithandwa nguwe okanye xa beneembono ezahlukileyo kwezakho, akunjalo? Ngaba wena akufanele ubaphathe ngendlela efanayo?—Roma 12:10.

Enye indlela esinokubonisa intlonelo ngayo kukuba singasoloko sibathe mbende abahlobo bethu. Abahlobo bokwenene abanakhwele okanye abafuni kumnkonya umhlobo wabo. Kweyoku-1 yabaseKorinte 13:4 iBhayibhile ithi: “Uthando alunakhwele.” Ngoko kuphephe ukufuna abahlobo bakho babe ngabakho kuphela. Ukuba bazityand’ igila kwabanye abantu, musa ukucaphuka ude uphephe nokudibana nabo. Funda ukuba sonke kufuneka siphangalale. Banike umtyhi ukuze bakwazi ukuhlakulela ubuhlobo nabanye abantu.

Enye into ekufuneka uyiqonde kukuba umhlobo wakho uyafuna ukuba yedwa maxa wambi. Abantu ngabanye kunye nabantu ababini abatshatileyo bayafuna ukuchitha ixesha bodwa ngamanye amaxesha. Nangona ufanele ungabi madolw’ anzima ukuya kwabanye kufuneka ulungelelane yaye ube nolwazelelelo ungahlali ixesha elide bade abahlobo baphelelwe bububele. IBhayibhile iyalumkisa: “Lunqabise unyawo lwakho kwindlu yedlelane lakho, ukuze lingadikwa nguwe.”—IMizekeliso 25:17.

Musa Ukunyanzela Abanye Ukuba Bafezeke

Kakade ke, xa abantu besiya besazana babuqonda ngakumbi ubuthathaka nobuchule bomnye nomnye. Sekunjalo, asifanele sivumele oku kusithintele ekwakheni ubuhlobo. UPacôme waseFransi uthi: “Abanye balindela lukhulu kubahlobo babo. Bafuna babe neempawu ezintle kuphela kodwa leyo yinto engenakwenzeka.” Akukho namnye kuthi ofezekileyo yaye asinalungelo lakunyanzela abanye ukuba bafezeke. Sifuna abahlobo bethu basamkele nangona singafezekanga baze basinyamezele. Ngaba nathi asifanele sizibethe ngoyaba iimpazamo zabahlobo bethu ngokuthi singasoloko sililisela ngazo? UDennis Prager ongumbhali usikhumbuza oku: “Abahlobo abagqibeleleyo (oko kukuthi, abangakhalaziyo, abasoloko bebonakalisa uthando, abo ungakhe ubabone sele bentshingintshingi ngamanye amaxesha, abasoloko benikel’ ingqalelo kuthi nabangakhe basidanise) zizilwanyana kuphela.” Ukuba asifuni kuzibona sele izizilwanyana kuphela abahlobo bethu, kufuneka sisebenzise icebiso likampostile uPetros lokuvumela ‘uthando lugubungele inkitha yezono.’—1 Petros 4:8.

Kudla ngokuthiwa ubuhlobo busenza sonwabe ngakumbi buze bunciphise ukubandezeleka. Noko ke, asinakulindela ukuba abahlobo bethu banelise zonke iintswelo zethu okanye bacombulule zonke iingxaki zethu. Kukuzingca oko.

Abahlobo Abanyanisekileyo Nokuba Sekumnyam’ entla

Sakuba sizakhele ubuhlobo nomntu, asifanele sibuthabathe lula obo buhlobo. Xa kudlula ixesha elide abahlobo bengabonani okanye omnye ekude komnye, abahlobo bayacingana yaye bathandazelane. Kwanokuba abakwazi kudibana lonke ixesha, xa bedibana baqala apho babeyeke khona. Ngokukodwa xa abahlobo bethu besebunzimeni okanye besifuna, kubalulekile ukuba sizenze sifumaneke. Asimele sihambele kude kubahlobo bethu ingakumbi xa beneengxaki. Kusenokwenzeka ukuba lelona xesha basifuna ngalo elo. “Iqabane lokwenyaniso lithanda ngamaxesha onke, yaye lingumzalwana ozalelwe ixesha lokubandezeleka.” (IMizekeliso 17:17) Yaye xa kukho ukungaqondani kakuhle phakathi kwabahlobo bokwenene, bayakhawuleza ukukulungisa baze baxolelane. Abahlobo bokwenene abalahlani kuba nje izinto zingahambi kakuhle.

Xa ungenantshukumisa zokuzingca naxa usiya kwabanye unesimo sengqondo esifanelekileyo, unokubafumana abahlobo. Kodwa ibalulekile nento yokuba unohlobo olunjani na lwabahlobo. Unokubakhetha njani abahlobo abalungileyo? Lo mbuzo uya kuxutyushwa kwinqaku elilandelayo.

[Umbhalo osemazantsi]

[Ibhokisi/Imifanekiso ekwiphepha 22, 23]

Ngaba Indoda Nebhinqa Banokuba “Ngabahlobo Nje”?

Ngaba indoda inokuba ngumhlobo webhinqa engatshatanga nalo? Impendulo ixhomekeke ekubeni sithetha ukuthini xa sisithi ‘umhlobo.’ UYesu wayengumhlobo osondeleyo kaMariya noMarta baseBethani—bobabini babengamabhinqa angatshatanga. (Yohane 11:1, 5) Umpostile uPawulos wayengumhlobo kaPrisila nomyeni wakhe uAkwila. (IZenzo 18:2, 3) Sinokuqiniseka ukuba aba bantu babenolwalamano olusenyongweni. Kwangaxeshanye, asinakucinga ukuba uYesu okanye uPawulos bakha bavumela ukuba olu lwalamano luvuselele iimvakalelo zothando.

Iimeko zanamhlanje zibangela ukuba amadoda namabhinqa adibane ndawonye ngendlela engazange ibonwe ngaphambili yaye loo nto yenza kufuneke abantu besini esahlukileyo bazi indlela yokwakha ubuhlobo obufanelekileyo omnye nomnye. Nezibini ezitshatileyo ziyangenelwa kubuhlobo obuhle ezinabo kunye nezinye izibini ezitshatileyo nabantu abangatshatanga.

Iphephancwadi elibizwa ngokuba yiPsychology Today lilumkisa ngelithi: “Noko ke, kunokuba nzima kakhulu ukwahlula iimvakalelo zothando, ezesini nezobuhlobo. Umnqweno wesini usenokusuka uvuseleleke phakathi kwabantu ababini besini esahlukileyo ebebengabahlobo. Ukwangana okumsulwa kusenokuvuselela uthando.”

Kubaluleke kakhulu ukuba izibini ezitshatileyo zisebenzise ingqondo. Kwincwadi yakhe ethi Happiness Is a Serious Problem, uDennis Prager uthi: “Lonke uhlobo lolwalamano olusenyongweni lunokuwubeka esichengeni umtshato. Asizontlobano zesini kuphela ezenza abantu basondelelane kakhulu yaye iqabane lakho lomtshato linelungelo lokulindela ukuba ibe lilo kuphela umhlobo wakho wesini esahlukileyo osenyongweni.” UYesu wabonisa ukuba ukuziphatha ngobunyulu kufanele kuqale entliziyweni. (Mateyu 5:28) Ngoko ke, yiba nobuhlobo nabanye abantu kodwa londoloza intliziyo yakho uze uzilumkele iimeko ezinokukhokelela kwiingcinga, iimvakalelo okanye izenzo ezingafanelekanga ngokubhekisele kuye nawuphi na umntu wesini esahlukileyo.

[Imifanekiso ekwiphepha 23]

Ukunyamekela umzimba nengqondo yakho kukwenza ube nomtsalane ngakumbi

[Umfanekiso okwiphepha 24]

Abahlobo baphalazelan’ imbilini