Kuthandiza Ana a m’Chisudzulo

“Nthaŵi ina, pamene ndinali pafupifupi zaka zitatu zakubadwa, abambo anga anadzanditenga kupita kukacheza. Ananditenga nandigulira chidoli chovala malaya ofiira okongola, ndiyeno anandibweretsa kunyumba m’galimoto. Tinakhala pamodzi m’galimotomo kwakanthaŵi. Koma pamene amayi anga anangotuluka kudzanditenga, iwo ndi abambo anga anayamba kuzazirana namatsutsanirana pazenera la galimoto—ine ndiri pakati.

“Mwadzidzidzi, abambo anga anatsegula chitseko nandikankhira kunja kwa galimoto. Iwo anayendetsa galimoto, magudumu amvekere tchutchutchutchu, napita. Sindinadziŵe zomwe zinkachitika. Amayi anga sanandilole ngakhale kumasula chidoli changa chatsopano. Sindinachiwonenso pambuyo pa chochitikacho. Ndipo sindinawawonenso abambo anga kufikira pamene ndinakhala wa zaka 19 zakubadwa.”—Heidi.

MWAMBI wakale umati: “M’kupita kwanthaŵi mabala onse amapola.” Kodi nzowonadi? Kapena kodi ana amavulazidwa ndi chisudzulo osakhoza kukonzedwanso?

Mogwirizana ndi The Journal of Social Issues, zambiri zimadalira pa zimene zimachitika pambuyo pa chisudzulocho. Iyo imati: “Maunansi a banja apambuyo pa chisudzulo amayambukira ana mofanana kapena kuposa chisudzulo chenichenicho.”

Kwa Heidi, chisudzulo cha makolo ake chinali kokha chiyambi cha mavuto ake. Monga momwe zimakhalira nthaŵi zambiri, ukwati wachiŵiri wa amayi ake ngakhale womwe unatsatirapo, sunakhale wabwinopo kuposa woyamba uja. Ubwana wa Heidi unali wamavuto okhaokha kuzaza, njiru zoswa mbale ndi masiku a chilimwe osungulumwa m’nyumba yopanda anthu, akumazizwa mwamantha pamene—ndipo ngati—amayi ake akabwera kunyumba.

Pali zambiri zimene makolo angachite kupulumutsa ana awo ku zotulukapo zovutitsa zoterozo za chisudzulo. Kunena zowona, chisudzulo chimathetsa ukwati, osati ukholo.

Makolo—Thayo Lovutitsa

“Kachitidwe kothandizana ka kutenga pathupi kamayeneretsa anawo kwa onse aŵiri amayi ndi abambo,” analemba motero akatswiri azamaganizo aŵiri m’magazini a Psychology Today. Ndemanga imeneyo ingakuwonekereni kukhala yodziŵikiratu. Komabe, chisudzulo mwanjira zina chimalanda mwana makolo onse aŵiri panthaŵi imodzi.

Mwachitsanzo, talingalirani United States, imene kuchokera ku zolembedwa ingatchedwe likulu la dziko lonse la chisudzulo. Kumeneko, ana a m’chisudzulo oposa 90 peresenti amakhala ndi amayi ŵawo ndipo amachezeredwa ndi abambo mwakamodzikamodzi. Oposa theka la ana amenewo amaonana ndi abambo awo kwanthaŵi yosaposa pa imodzi pachaka! Ndiponso mogwirizana ndi kufufuza kwina, nthaŵi ya nakubala yokhalira limodzi ndi ana imatsika mwadzidzidzi pambuyo pa chisudzulo, ndi maola 21 pa mlungu umodzi.

Ngati pali chirichonse chimene akatswiri angavomerezane, nchakuti ana ngothekera koposa kuzoloŵera bwino moyo wapambuyo pa chisudzulo ngati amapitirizabe kukhala ndi unansi wabwino ndipo wokhazikika ndi makolo onse aŵiri. Ngati zimenezo nzosatheka, unansi wabwino ndi kholo limodzi umathandizabe kuchepetsako vuto la chisudzulo. Koma kodi makolo angasunge motani kuyanjana kwathithithi koteroko ndi ana awo pambuyo pa chisudzulo?

KuwombolaNthaŵi Yopindulitsa

Ngati ndinu nakubala wosudzulidwa, kusunga kuyanjana kwathithithi kungakhale chitokoso chanu chovuta kwambiri. Kaŵirikaŵiri, mungatchedwe dzina limene zitaganya zina zimalingalira kukhala munthu wamavuto akuŵiri: chisudzulo ndi umphaŵi. Poloŵa ntchito mosayembekezera, ndipo polimbana ndi kufuna kuwonjezerapo pamalipiro okuchirikizani osadalirika kapena osakwanira a mnzanu wamuukwati wapapitapo, mungalingalire kuti mwatsala ndi nthaŵi yochepa yokhala ndi ana anu.

Yankho ndilo: kutsimikiza mtima ndi ndandanda. Ombolani nthaŵi iriyonse imene mungathe, ndipo pangani makonzedwe ndi mwana wanu a zimene mudzachitira pamodzi mkati mwa nthaŵiyo. Ngakhale nthaŵi yochepa tsiku ndi tsiku ndi chisamaliro chanu chosagaŵanika nzabwinopo kwakukulu koposa kukhala opanda nthaŵi. Kukonzekera pasadakhale kaamba ka ulendo wokacheza pamodzi kumapangitsanso mwana wanu kukhala ndi kanthu kena kamene angakayembekezere.

Ndiponso mwana wanu ali ndi kusoŵa kokulira kwa chitsogozo chauzimu, chilango, ndi kuphunzira. Nthaŵi yokulira kaamba ka chifuno chimenechi ingakhale yovuta kuipeza. Chotero Baibulo limapereka uphungu wakuti: ‘Muziwaphunzitsa mwachangu [malamulo a Mulungu] kwa [mwana] wanu, ndi kuwalankhula aŵa pokhala pansi m’nyumba zanu, ndi poyenda inu panjira, ndi pogona inu pansi, ndi pouka inu.’—Deuteronomo 6:7.

Kodi inu nthaŵi zonse mumakhala limodzi “panjira,” mwinamwake mukuyendetsa galimoto kapena mutakwera zoyendera zaunyinji? Kodi mumapereka kuti chisamaliro chanu—kwa mwana wanu, kapena ku nyuzipepala kapena ku wailesi ya m’galimoto? Pamene mudyera pamodzi, kodi wailesi yakanema imathetsa kukambirana konse, kapena kodi nthaŵi yachakudya ndinthaŵi ya banja lanu yokambitsirana mwamtendere? Kodi pali ntchito zina za panyumba zimene mungachitire limodzi ndi mwana wanu, zonga ngati kukonza chakudya kapena kuchapa?

Ndithudi, izi sizimatanthauza kuti mudzafunikira kupezerapo mwaŵi pazochitikazi wa kuphunzitsa mwana wanu. Mwakungokhala ndi mwana wanu ndi kumakambirana motentha ndi momasuka, inu mosakaikira mudzakhomereza ina ya mikhalidwe yanu yabwino. Nthaŵi zonga izi zingakhalenso mwaŵi wokulira kwa inu wa kupereka kwa ana anu chitonthozo chimene iwo akuchifunikira kwambiri tsopano. Ana ena mwachinsinsi amadzimva athayo kaamba ka kulekana kwa makolo awo. Ena amadzimva kukhala onyalanyazidwa ndi kholo lomwe lachoka panyumbalo. Ngati mumawatsimikizira mobwerezabwereza za chikondi chanu, mumawatamanda pa mikhalidwe yawo yabwino ndi zipambano, ndipo mumawapangitsa kudzimva osungika kwambiri kulankhula nanu mowona mtima zomwe ziri mumtima mwawo, inu mudzakhala mutachita zambiri kuchepetsako vuto la chisudzulo.

Makolo ena amaleka kupereka chilango pambuyo pa chisudzulo, kaŵirikaŵiri chifukwa cha kudzimva aliŵongo. ‘Mwana wanga wavutikapo kwambiri posachedwapa,’ iwo amawoneka akulingalira motero. Koma kupatsa ana anu ufulu wakuchita chirichonse chimene akondwera nacho sindiko kuwakonda. Wotsogoza programu ya achichepere ndi ana ku chipatala cha odwala nthenda yamaganizo anafotokozera magazini a The Washingtonian kuti: “Kaŵirikaŵiri ana amandiuza kuti, ‘Makolo anga amandilola kuchita chirichonse. Iwo samadera nkhaŵa za ine.’” Izi ziri monga momwedi Baibulo limanenera kuti: “Ngati simumlanga mwana wanu, simumkonda. Ngati mumamkondadi, mudzamuwongolera.”—Miyambo 13:24, Today’s English Version.

Mwana Wogaŵikana

Pamene kamnyamata kena kachichepere ku chipatala cha a m’chisudzulo kanapemphedwa kulemba zithunzithunzi, kanadzilemba kokha kakukokedwa uku ndi uku kali pakati pa makolo ake ozaza; iko kanali kung’ambika pakati nikamachucha mwazi. Umo ndi mmene ana ena a makolo osudzulana amadzilingalira okha. Pamene kulikwakuti mwanayo amakonda makolo onse aŵiri, palibe kholo limene lingafune mwanayo kukonda kholo linalo.

Pokhala ndi nkhwidzi ndi chidani zomwe kaŵirikaŵiri zimatsagana ndi chisudzulo, nkovuta kwambiri kwa makolo kusaloŵetsamo ana awo m’nkhondoyo. Wallerstein ndi Kelly anasimba kuti makolo aŵiri mwa atatu m’kufufuza kwawo analimbanirana chikondi ndi kukhulupirika kwa ana awo mwapoyera. Dr. Bienenfeld akuchenjeza makolo kuti kupangitsa mwana kudzimva wogaŵikana pakati pa makolo kungadzetse malingaliro a kudzida ndi kudzimva waliŵongo ndipo “kudzachepetsa kuthekera kwake kwakupeza chimwemwe, chikhutiro ndi chipambano.”

Baibulo mwanzeru limapereka uphungu wakuti: “Ndiponso, inu atate [kapena amayi], musamaloŵetsa ana anu m’chidani, komatu apatseni chilangizo ndi chiwongolerero, zimene ziri maleredwe Achikristu.” (Aefeso 6:4, The New English Bible) Ndithudi, kuloŵetsa mwana wanu m’chidani ndi kholo lina kulibe malo m’maleredwe Achikristu.

Mwana aliyense ali ndi makolo aŵiri. Imfa ingasinthe zimenezo, koma chisudzulo sichimatero. Ndipo pokhapo ngati makhoti aika malire pa kholo lina akuthekera kwa kuwona ana (kapena ngati kholo linalo modzifunira lakana thayo lake), inu mungafunikire kugwirizana ndi mnzanu wamuukwati wakaleyo m’kulera ana.

Nzowona kuti, mungakhale ndi chifukwa cholungama chodera mnzanu wamuukwati wakaleyo. Koma ngati mugwiritsira ntchito ana anu kumlanga iye, ali ana anu amene amavutikadi. Dr. Bienenfeld akupereka lingaliro lakuti kuvomereza kowona mtima kwa inumwini kwakuti inunso mudali ndi mbali m’kuchititsa mavuto muukwati wanu kungathandize kuthetsa chidani chanu. Magazini otchedwa Parents amasimba za mkazi wina yemwe ankayesayesa kupempherera mwamuna wake wakaleyo paliponse pamene ankayamba kukhala ndi malingaliro oipa ponena za iye. Iye anapeza kuti kachitidwe kameneko kanamdzetsera lingaliro labwino ndi kudziletsa kwatsopano kwenikweni ndipo kanammasula ku kukhala ‘wogwidwa m’mkhalidwe wolimbana wokhalitsawo.’—Yerekezerani ndi Mateyu 5:43-45.

Kodi Ena Angathandize?

Julius ndi Zelda Segal akatswiri azamaganizo analemba m’magazini otchedwa Parents kuti “ana a m’mabanja osweka amalimbitsidwa ngati paliko kuyanjana kwina komapitirizabe kosadodometsedwa” pambuyo pa mkuntho wa chisudzulo. Mogwirizana ndi akatswiri azamaganizo ameneŵa, nzomvetsa chisoni kuti “anansi apafupi ndi mabwenzi amawapeŵa, ndiponso, ngakhale agogo ena amatero chifukwa chakuti amakhala otanganitsidwa kukhalira kumbuyo mmodzi wa makolo okanganawo.”

Inde, chisudzulo kwakukulukulu nchankhanzadi kwa ana pamene achibale ena nawonso azimiririka m’moyo wawo. Chimenechi chimakulitsa lingaliro la kunyanyalidwa. Chotero ngati inu ndinu zakhali, malume, kapena gogo wa ana alionse a m’chisudzulo, perekani chisamaliro pakupereka chitonthozo chimene iwo akuchifunikira kwambiri tsopano mmalo mwakuloŵa m’mikangano ya ukwati wa makolo awo. Nthaŵi zina, palibe aliyense yemwe angasungitse bwinopo chimwemwe chomanyonyotsoka cha mwanayo koposa gogo wachikondi.

Heidi, wogwidwa mawu kuchiyambi kwa nkhaniyi, sanalandire chichirikizo choterocho. Komabe, nkhani yake njachipambano. Lerolino, pamsinkhu wa zaka 26, iye ndi mkazi wokwatiwa wachimwemwe, woolowa manja ndi wokangalika. Kodi chinachititsa chipambano chake nchiyani?

Tinganene kuti: mabwenzi. Pokhala wa zaka zapakati pa 13 ndi 19, Heidi anayamba kuphunzira Baibulo ndi Mboni za Yehova. Ku Nyumba Yaufumu kumene iye anapezeka pamisonkhano, anapezako mabwenzi enieni. “Ndinkalingalira kuti mkhalidwe wanga unali wopanda chiyembekezo kotheratu,” iye akukumbukira motero. “Koma kukhala ndi anthu amene ungalankhule nawo nkothandiza. Ndinali ndi bwenzi lina lomwe ndinkalifotokozera zonse. Ilo nthaŵi zonse linkadziŵa pamene chinthu chinachake chinalakwika, ndipo nthaŵi zonse ndinkalifotokozera. Ilo linali ngati amayi. Koma panalinso ena omwe ndinkachita nawo zinthu.” Heidi anapeza chowonadi cha lonjezo la Yesu lakuti mpingo Wachikristu ungapereke banja lenileni kwa awo omwe adataikiridwa lawo.—Marko 10:29, 30.

Koma Heidi sanangodziyambira yekha kupanga mabwenzi ameneŵa. “Iwo anandifunafuna,” iye akutero. Ndipo yomweyo ndi nkhani yobwerezedwabwerezedwa pakati pa ana a m’chisudzulo mumpingo Wachikristu. Mwachitsanzo, mkazi wachichepere wina wotchedwa Meg akukumbukira mokondwa okwatirana aŵiri amene anapalana naye ubwenzi pamene makolo ake analekana kuti: “Iwo anangodziŵa kuti ndinkaŵafuna, ndipo analipo. Simufunikira kunena kuti, ‘Taonani, ndikukufunani. Ndifuna kuti inu mundikonde tsopano.’”

Nanga bwanji ponena za inu? Kodi mungakhale ngati mchimwene, mchemwali, mayi, tate, kapena gogo kwa mwana wa m’chisudzulo? Mwinamwake wachichepereyo sadzakupemphani, koma zimenezo sizimatanthauza kuti iye samakufunani.

Ndithudi, simudzatha konse kuloŵa m’malo a zochita zonse za banja lokhazikika. Koma mungakhale bwenzi, womvetsera wabwino ndi wachifundo. Mungathandizenso kutsogolera wachichepereyo ku unansi wabwinopo ndi Mlengi wathu—“Atate wa ana amasiye” weniweni ndi Bwenzi lalikulu koposa limene aliyense angalifune.—Salmo 68:5.

Komabe, kodi palibe chiyembekezo cha nthaŵi imene ziŵerengero za chisudzulo zidzasintha, nthaŵi imene ana adzakhala otsimikizira kukulira m’mabanja athunthu, achimwemwe?

Pamene Banja Lidzachira

Ngati tikafunikira kudalira pa anthu kaamba ka yankho, pamenepo yankho nlakuti ayi, palibe chiyembekezo chenicheni kaamba ka ana. Anthu sangathe kuyamba kukonzanso banja logaŵikana la anthu la padziko lonse, osatchula za mabanja ambiri ogaŵikana amene amalipanga ilo. Monga momwe Linda Bird Francke analembera m’bukhu lakuti Growing Up Divorced kuti: “Zambiri zachitika mofulumira koposa. Makhoti akulephera. Sukulu zikulephera. Mabanja akulephera. Palibe amene akudziŵa choyembekezera kwa mnzake m’masiku ano a kusudzula kwakukulu popeza kuti kulibe malamulo, kulibe zochitika zofananako zomwe zingatsatiridwe.”

Koma Mlengi wa anthu sakulephera. Iye amalimvetsetsa bwino dziko lathu logaŵikana, ndipo amawona kuti silimafunikira kuwongoleredwa ndi “akatswiri” aumunthu. Ilo liyenera kuloŵedwa m’malo. Ndipo iye akulonjeza kutero. Iye akulonjeza kuti awo amene amachita chifuniro chake adzapulumuka mapeto a dongosolo ili loipa ndi kukhala ndi moyo kuwona kubwezeretsedwa kwa paradaiso wa dziko lonse. (Luka 23:43; 1 Yohane 2:17) Pokhala pansi pa ulamuliro wa Mulungu panthaŵiyo, anthu adzachiritsidwa ku tchimo limene limaipitsa chibadwa chawo. Pomalizira pake dyera ndi kupanda ungwiro kumene kumadzetsa magaŵano, chidani, ndi kusagwirizana zidzachotsedwa. Banja la anthu lidzachira.—Chibvumbulutso 21:3, 4.

Ndipo chisudzulo chidzakhala liwu la nyimbo yosakumbukika.

[Bokosi patsamba 25]

Uphungu wa Makolo Osudzulana

Osakangana ndi mnzanu wakale wamuukwati—pafoni kapena mwachindunji—pamaso pa ana.

Osasuliza mnzanu wakale wamuukwati pamaso pa ana. Pamene ana anu asuliza kholo lomwe palibepo, osawalimbikitsa kapena kugwirizana nawo.

Osakakamiza ana kusankha pakati pa mmodzi wa makolo awo, ndipo osaŵadanitsa ndi mnzanu wakale wamuukwati.

Osalola ana kukuvutani ndi ziwopsezo za kusamukira kwa kholo lina. Kulekerera malingaliro oterowo kudzaŵalimbikitsa kukhala oumirira ndipo kungadodometse kakulidwe kawo ka makhalidwe abwino.

Osagwiritsira ntchito ana kuzonda mnzanu wakale wamuukwati, kuwakakamiza kupereka chidziŵitso pobwerera kuchoka kukacheza pa ulendo uliwonse.

Osauza ana kupereka mauthenga okwiyitsa kapena madandaulo onyazitsa opempha ndalama ochokera kwa inu kunka kwa mnzanu wakale wamuukwati.

Osasuliza mwana ndi mawu onga ngati, “Iwe ulidi monga abambo ako.” Zimenezi sizimangomdabwitsa mwanayo kukhala kusuliza abambo koma zingampangitse mwanayo kulingaliranso kuti iye ayembekezeredwa kubwerezanso zolakwa za kholo lina.

Dzitsimikizeni kukhala womvetsera wabwino, mukumalola ana anu kufotokoza malingaliro awo—ngakhale malingaliro omwe simuvomerezana nawo.

Lankhulanani momvekera bwino, momasuka, ndipo mosabisa. Komabe, atetezereni ku zinthu zomwe safunikira kuzidziŵa. Mwana wanu wamwamuna kapena wamkazi angawoneke kukhala chidaliro chanu chokulira. Koma kumbukirani, mwana wanu sali wachikulire wamng’ono kapena woloŵa m’malo wamuukwati, mosasamala kanthu za uchikulire womwe angawonekere kukhala nawo.

Atonthozeni ana anu ndi kuwatsimikizira kuti sindiwo anachititsa chisudzulo, kapena kuti sangaloŵereremo tsopano ndi kupulumutsa ukwati wanu.

Sonyezani chikondi chenicheni chachikulu ndipo chotentha. Ana angalingalire kuti makolo amene angaleke kukondana angalekenso mosavuta kukonda ana awo.

Gwirizanani ndi mnzanu wakale wamuukwati m’kutetezera ana ku mikangano yanu.

Linganizani chitamando ndi chilango, mukumaika malire oyenera ndi zonulirapo zenizeni.

Khazikitsani chitsanzo inumwini, mukumapeŵa mkhalidwe wachisembwere umene mumawaphunzitsa kuupeŵa.

Therani nthaŵi yanu yopuma yochuluka limodzi ndi ana anu monga momwe kungathekere.

[Bokosi patsamba 27]

Kodi Ndinu Kholo Lokhala Kutali?

NGATI mulidi, mungachipeze kukhala chokhweka kupeŵa thayolo. Mwinamwake kulinganiza ndandanda yokacheza kumamveka kovutirapo monga ngati kupempha mnzanu wakale wamuukwati chilolezo chokawona ana omwe ali anu. Kaya mwinamwake ana anu ali ndi kholo lopeza latsopano, ndipo mumadzimva osafunidwanso.

Koma mumafunidwa. Baibulo limalimbikitsa kuti: “Atate, musamakwiyitsa ana anu.” (Aefeso 6:4, New International Version) Ngati muzimiririka m’moyo wa ana anu, sikokha kuti mudzaŵakwiyitsa koma mungawonongenso ulemu wawo waumwini, kuŵapangitsa kudzimva osakondedwa ndi osakondeka. Ngakhale unansi wapakanthaŵi ndi ana anu ngwabwinopo koposa ndi popanda uliwonse.

Kukuwoneka kuti utali wa kucheza kwanu ngwofunika koposa kuchuluka kwanthaŵi za kucheza. Pamene kucheza kuli kotalikira, mpamene mwana wanu adzakhala ndi nthaŵi zokumbukika zokhala nanu. Miriam Galper Cohen, yemwe ndi kholo lokhala kutali, akunena m’bukhu lake pankhaniyi kuti kuchezaku sikufunikira kukhala kupita kocheza kochititsa chidwi. Nthaŵi zina kungokhala kuyendera limodzi kowongola miyendo, kapena kudyera pamodzi, zimene zimapanga zikumbukiro zokondweretsa.

Kutumiza telefoni kaŵirikaŵiri, kochitidwa mokhazikika, kumapangitsanso inu ndi mwana wanu kugwirizana mwathithithi. Kapena mungadzijambule inumwini mukuŵerengera ana anu nthano kapena kulankhula za nyengo yanu yaubwana. Kuwonjezera pa matepi ndi makalata, mungatumizire mwana wanu zithunzithunzi zojambulidwa, zithunzithunzi zolembedwa, tiakadoli toseketsa, kapena nkhani za m’magazini zomwe zimakuseketsani kapena zokondweretsa. Cohen akuperekanso lingaliro lakufufuza ndi mabuku otani kapena maprogramu a wailesi yakanema omwe mwana wanu amasangalala nawo, mukuwaŵerenga kapena kuwapenyerera inumwini, ndiyeno kukambitsirana za iwo m’makalata kapena pafoni.

Monga momwe Cohen akufotokozera, “ukholo wokhala kutali ndiwo chosankha cholandiridwa chomalizira poyerekezera ndi makonzedwe ena olera ana, osakhala ndi mwaŵi woŵawonanso ana.” Komabe, palidi njira zambiri zowadziŵitsira ana anu, pamaziko okhazikika, za chikondi chanu chomapitirizabe ndi chisamaliro. Ngakhale kachitidwe kanu kodera nkhaŵa kochepa kangapulumutse mwana wanu ku mavuto ambiri.

[Chithunzi patsamba 23]

Kodi pali zochitachita zimene mungachitire limodzi ndi mwana wanu? Chisudzulo chimathetsa ukwati, osati ukholo

[Chithunzi patsamba 26]

Kodi mumadziŵa ana alionse a m’chisudzulo omwe angafune kukhala ndi bwenzi loyanjana nalo?