Mabala Obisika a Kuchitira Nkhanza Ana

“Ndimadzida ndekha. Ndimalingalirabe kuti pali chinachake chimene ndidayenera kuchita, chimene ndidayenera kunena kuti ndikane. Ndimadzilingalira kukhala wodetsedwa kwenikweni.”—Ann.

“Ndimadzimva wosiyana ndi anthu. Kaŵirikaŵiri ndimakhala ndi malingaliro akuthedwa nzeru ndi kusoŵa chochita. Nthaŵi zina ndimakhumba kufa.”—Jill.

“NKHANZA yakugonedwa paubwana iri . . . chiukiro chowopsa, chovulaza, ndi chochititsa manyazi pa maganizo, moyo, ndi thupi la mwana . . . Nkhanzayo imawononga mbali iriyonse ya moyo wa munthu.” Limatero bukhu lakuti The Right to Innocence, lolembedwa ndi Beverly Engel.

Siana onse amene amayambukiridwa ndi kuchitiridwa nkhanza mwanjira yofanana.a Ana ali ndi maumunthu osiyanasiyana, luso lakulaka mavuto, ndi malingaliro owachirikiza. Zambiri zimadaliranso pa unansi wa mwanayo kwa womchitira nkhanzayo, ukulu wa nkhanzayo, utali umene nkhanzayo inachitidwa, msinkhu wa mwanayo, ndi mfundo zina. Ndiponso, ngati nkhanzayo yavumbulidwa ndipo mwanayo alandira chichirikizo cha achikulire chachikondi, kaŵirikaŵiri chivulazocho chingachepetsedwe. Komabe, minkhole yambiri imavutika ndi mabala aakulu amalingaliro.

Chifukwa Chake Nkhanzayo Imavulaza

Baibulo limapereka chidziŵitso pa chifukwa chake chivulazo choterocho chimachitika. Mlaliki 7:7 amati: ‘Nsautso iyalutsa wanzeru.’ Ngati ichi chiri chowona kwa mkulu, talingalirani chiyambukiro cha chitsenderezo chankhalwe pa mwana wamng’ono—makamaka ngati wankhanzayo ali kholo lodaliridwa ndi mwanayo. Ndiiko komwe, zaka zoŵerengeka zoyambirira za moyo ziri zofunika kwambiri kaamba ka kukula kwamalingaliro ndi kwauzimu kwa mwana. (2 Timoteo 3:15) Ndi mkati mwa zaka zoyambirira zimenezo pamene wachichepere amayamba kukulitsa malire a makhalidwe ndi ulemu wake. Mwakumamatira kwa makolo ake, mwana amaphunziranso tanthauzo la chikondi ndi kukhulupirika.—Salmo 22:9.

“Kwa ana ochitiridwa nkhanza,” akufotokoza motero Dr. J. Patrick Gannon, “kachitidwe kakukulitsa kukhulupirika kameneka kamanyonyotsoka.” Wankhanzayo amawononga chidaliro chonse chimene mwanayo anali nacho mwa iye; iye amamuwonongera chisungiko chirichonse, chinsinsi chake, kapena ulemu waumwini ndipo amamgwiritsira ntchito monga chinthu wamba kaamba ka kudzikhutiritsa.b Ana aang’ono samamvetsetsa tanthauzo la machitidwe achisembwere okakamizidwa pa iwo, koma pafupifupi ana onse amapeza chokumana nacho chimenecho kukhala chokwiitsa, chowopsa, chochititsa manyazi.

Chotero nkhanza pa ana yatchedwa “kuwononga chidaliro koipitsitsa.” Tikukumbutsidwa funso la Yesu lakuti: ‘Munthu ndani wa inu, amene pompempha mwana wake mkate, adzampatsa mwala?’ (Mateyu 7:9) Koma wankhanzayo amapatsa mwanayo, osati chikondi ndi kusamala, koma “mwala” wankhalwe koposa—chivulazo chakugonana.

Chifukwa Chake Mabalawo Amapitirizabe

Miyambo 22:6 imati: ‘Phunzitsa mwana poyamba njira yake; ndipo angakhale atakalamba sadzachokamo.’ Mowonekera bwino, chisonkhezero chamakolo chikhoza kukhala kwa moyo wonse. Chotero, bwanji ngati mwana aphunzitsidwa kukhulupirira kuti palibe chimene angachite kuletsa chiukiro chakugonana? Aphunzitsidwa kuchita zodetsedwa mosinthana ndi “chikondi?” Aphunzitsidwa kudzilingalira kukhala wopanda pake ndi wodetsedwa? Kodi zimenezo sizingapangitse moyo wa mkhalidwe woluluzika? Sikuti kuchitiridwa nkhanza paubwana kumalungamitsa khalidwe losayenera pambuyo pake kuukulu, koma kukhoza kusonyeza chifukwa chake minkhole ya kuchitiridwa nkhanza imachita kapena kulingalira mwanjira yakutiyakuti.

Minkhole yambiri ya kuchitiridwa nkhanza imavutika ndi zizindikiro zosiyanasiyana, kuphatikizapo kuchita tondovi. Ena amangokhala osakondwa nthaŵi zonse ndipo nthaŵi zina amakhala ndi malingaliro ovutitsa a liŵongo, manyazi, ndi mkwiyo. Minkhole ina ingavutike ndi kusakhudzidwa mwamalingaliro, kulephera kusonyeza kudzimva kwamalingaliro kapena kuyambukiridwa mwamalingaliro. Kudzimva wotsika ndi malingaliro akupanda nyonga kumakanthanso ambiri. Sally, yemwe anachitiridwa nkhanza ndi amalume ŵake, akukumbukira kuti: “Nthaŵi iriyonse pamene anandigona ndinadzimva kukhala wopanda mphamvu, wouma thupi ndi wosokonezeka. Ndinali kuzizwa kuti kodi nchifukwa ninji chimenechi chinali kuchitika?” Cynthia Tower, katswiri wa zamalingaliro akusimba kuti: “Kupenda kumasonyeza kuti kaŵirikaŵiri anthu omwe anachitiridwa nkhanza paubwana adzasungabe lingaliro lakukhala mnkhole m’moyo wawo wonse.” Iwo angakwatiwe ndi mwamuna wankhanza, amasonyeza mkhalidwe wosavuta kugonjetsa, kapena amadzimva kukhala osakhoza kudzichinjiriza pamene awopsezedwa.

Mwachibadwa, ana amakhala ndi zaka pafupifupi 12 zakukonzekera kaamba ka malingaliro amene adzadzuka m’kati mwaunamwali. Koma pamene machitidwe oipa akakamizidwa pa mwana wamng’ono, iye angachititsidwe mantha ndi malingaliro odzutsidwawo. Monga momwe kupenda kwina kunasonyezera, ichi pambuyo pake chingawononge kukhoza kwake kwa kusangalala ndi chikondi cha muukwati. Mnkhole wotchedwa Linda akuulula kuti: “Ndimapeza kugonana kwa muukwati kukhala chinthu chovuta koposa m’moyo wanga. Ndimakhala ndi lingaliro loipitsitsa lakuwona monga ndi atate amene ndiri nawo, ndipo ndimauma thupi.” Minkhole ina ingachite mosiyana ndi zimenezo ndi kukhala ndi chilakolako chopambanitsa cha chisembwere. “Ndinakhala ndi moyo woluluzika kwakuti ndinali kugonana ndi anthu osadziŵika kotheratu,” akuvomereza motero Jill.

Minkhole ya kuchitiridwa nkhanza ingakhalenso ndi vuto m’kukhala ndi maunansi abwino. Ena amakupeza kukhala kosatheka kulemekeza amuna kapena anthu olemekezeka. Ena amawononga maubwenzi ndi maukwati mwakuchita zinthu mwankhanza kapena molamulira. Komabe ena amayesa kupeŵeratu maunansi athithithi.

Pali ngakhale minkhole imene imapereka malingaliro awo owononga pa iwo eni. “Ndinalida thupi langa chifukwa chakuti linavomereza pamene linadzutsidwa ndi wankhanzayo,” akuvomereza Reba. Mwatsoka, mavuto ochititsidwa ndi kudya,c chikhumbo cha kugwira ntchito mopambanitsa, uchidakwa ndi mankhwala ogodomalitsa, nzofala pakati pa minkhole ya kuchitiridwa nkhanza—zoyesayesa zosoŵa chochita kuti aiŵale malingaliro awo. Ena angasonyezenso kudzida kwawo mwanjira zachindunji kwambiri. “Ndimadzichekacheka, kudzibaya ndi zikhadabo zanga m’mikono, kudzitentha,” akuwonjezera tero Reba. “Ndinadzilingalira kukhala woyenerera kuchitiridwa nkhanza.”

Komabe, musagamule kuti aliyense amene amalingalira kapena kuchita zinthu mwa njira zimenezo anachitiridwa nkhanza yakugonana. Zochititsa zina zakuthupi kapena zamalingaliro zingaloŵetsedwemo. Mwachitsanzo, akatswiri amanena kuti zizindikiro zofananazo nzofala pakati pa akulu okulira m’mabanja osagwirizana—m’mene makolo awo anali kuwamenya, kuwanyoza ndi kuwachititsa manyazi, kunyalanyaza zosoŵa zawo zakuthupi, kapena m’mene makolo anali omwerekera ndi mankhwala ogodomalitsa kapena zakumwa.

Chivulazo Chauzimu

Chiyambukiro choipitsitsa ndi chonyenga koposa cha kuchitira nkhanza ana ndicho chivulazo chauzimu. Kuchitira thupi moipa koteroko kuli ‘chodetsa cha thupi ndi cha mzimu.’ (2 Akorinto 7:1) Mwakuchita machitidwe oipa pa mwana, mwakuloŵerera malire ake a makhalidwe abwino, mwakuwononga chidaliro chake, wochita nkhanzayo amaipitsa mzimu wa mwanayo, kapena kaimidwe kake kamaganizo. Ichi pambuyo pake chingapinimbiritse kukula kwa makhalidwe abwino ndi uzimu wa mnkholeyo.

Bukhu lakuti Facing Codependence, lolembedwa ndi Pia Mellody, limawonjezera kuti: “Nkhanza yaikulu iriyonse . . . irinso nkhanza yauzimu, chifukwa chakuti imafooketsa chidaliro cha mwana pa Mulungu.” Mwachitsanzo, mkazi Wachikristu wotchedwa Ellen akufunsa kuti: “Kodi ndimotani mmene ndingamlingalirire Yehova kukhala Atate pamene ndiri ndi lingaliro limeneli la atate wapadziko lapansi wankhalwe?” Mnkhole wina wotchedwa Terry ukunena kuti: “Sindinamlingalirepo Yehova monga Atate. Monga Mulungu, Ambuye, Mfumu, Mlengi, inde! Koma monga Atate, ayi!”

Anthu otero sali kwenikweni ofooka mwauzimu kapena osoŵa chikhulupiriro. Mosiyana, zoyesayesa zawo zoumirira zakutsatira miyezo yamakhalidwe abwino ya Baibulo zimapereka umboni wa nyonga yawo yauzimu! Koma tayerekezerani mmene ena angalingalirire pamene aŵerenga lemba la Baibulo monga Salmo 103:13, limene limati: ‘Monga atate achitira ana ake chifundo, Yehova achitira chifundo iwo akumuwopa iye.’ Ena akhoza kumvetsetsa chimenechi kokha mwakuŵerenga. Koma popanda lingaliro labwino la mmene atate woteroyo aliri, kungakhale kovuta kwa iwo kuvomereza lembali mwamalingaliro!

Ena angakupezenso kovuta kukhala “kamwana” pamaso pa Mulungu—kukhala ogonja, odzichepetsa, omdalira. Iwo angabise malingaliro awo enieni popemphera kwa Mulungu. (Marko 10:15) Iwo angadodome kugwiritsira ntchito pa iwo eni mawu a Davide a pa Salmo 62:7, 8 aŵa: ‘Pa Mulungu pali chipulumutso changa ndi ulemerero wanga: Thanthwe la mphamvu yanga ndi pothaŵirapo panga mpa Mulungu. Khulupirani pa iye nyengo zonse, anthu inu. Tsanulirani mitima yanu pamaso pake: Mulungu ndiye pothaŵirapo ife.’ Malingaliro a liŵongo ndi kupanda pake angafooketsedi chikhulupiriro chawo. Mnkhole wina wachikazi unati: “Ndimakhulupirira Ufumu wa Yehova kwambiri. Komabe, sindimadzimva kwenikweni kuti ndine woyenerera kukhalamo.”

Ndithudi, siminkhole yonse imene imayambukiridwa mwanjira yofanana. Ena amayandikira kwa Yehova monga Atate wachikondi ndikusakhala ndi chopinga chirichonse m’kulankhula naye. Mulimonse mmene zingakhalire, ngati ndinu mnkhole wa kuchitiridwa nkhanza yakugonana paubwana, mungakupeze kukhala kothandiza kwambiri kulingalira mmene yayambukirira moyo wanu. Ena angakhutiritsidwe mwakungozisiya choncho. Komabe, ngati inuyo mukuwona kuti chivulazocho nchachikulu, limbikani mtima. Mabala anu akhoza kupola.

[Mawu a M’munsi]