Msampha wa Chisudzulo

ANDREW ndi Ann anali okwatirana abwino koposa. Ann anali wofatsa ndi wolingalira kwambiri pakati pa aŵiriwo, koma kufatsa kwake kwachimwemwe kunakwaniritsa khalidwe laubwenzi la Andrew, nyonga yake yosatsenderezeka ndi nthabwala. Maso a mkaziyo anawala pamene anali patsogolo pa mwamunayo. Ndipo aliyense anatha kuwona kuti anamkonda.

Komabe, patapita zaka zisanu ndi ziŵiri ukwati wawo unayamba kusweka. Andrew anayamba ntchito yatsopano imene inamtengera nthaŵi yake yochuluka. Ann anaipidwa ndi kutanganidwa kwa mwamuna wake ndi ntchito yake yatsopano ndi kubwera kwake kunyumba mochedwa usiku. Anayesa “kudzitangwanitsa,” monga momwe ananenera, mwakudziloŵetsa kwambiri m’ntchito yake. Koma posakhalitsa Andrew ankabwera kunyumba akununkha moŵa, ndikunena kuti anapita kwinakwake ndi akuntchito anzake. Vuto lake lakumwa linaipirako, ndipo pomalizira pake Ann anachoka m’nyumbamo. Andrew anachita tondovi. M’miyezi yochepa, anasudzulana.

Kwa ambiri nkhaniyi singamveke kukhala yachilendo. Monga momwe tawonera, ziŵerengero za zisudzulo zikuwonjezereka padziko lonse. Ndipo nzowona kuti, zisudzulo zina ziri zosapeŵeka kapena zoyenera. Baibulo silimaletseratu chisudzulo, monga momwe ambiri amalingalirira. Miyezo yake iri yabwino ndi yanzeru, yolola chisudzulo pazifukwa za chigololo (Mateyu 19:9); malamulo ake amakhalidwe abwino amalolanso kulekana pansi pa mikhalidwe ina yoipitsitsa, monga nkhanza yakuthupi.a (Onani Mateyu 5:32; 1 Akorinto 7:10, 11.) Koma izi sindizo zinali maziko a chisudzulo cha Andrew ndi Ann.

Andrew ndi Ann anali Akristu ndipo panthaŵi ina anauwona ukwati kukhala wopatulika. Koma mofanana ndi tonsefe, amakhala m’dziko limene limagogomezera mwambo wosiyana kotheratu—wakuti ukwati ukhoza kutaidwa ndipo chisudzulo ndicho njira youtaira. Chaka chirichonse kuganiza kotereku kumasonkhezera okwatirana zikwi zambiri kusudzulana pazifukwa zazing’ono, zimene siziri Zamalemba. Ndipo ambiri amazindikira—mochedwa—kuti kulingalira kwawo “kwamakono,” “kopita patsogolo” kwa chisudzulo kwawanyengerera kuloŵa mumsampha.

Msampha? ‘Limenelo ndiliwu lachipongwe,’ ena angatero. Mungalingalire, monga mmene amachitira ambiri lerolino, kuti chisudzulo ndinjira yotsungula yochokera muukwati wovutitsa. Koma kodi mukuzindikira kuipa kwake kwa chisudzulo? Ndipo kodi mwawona mmene dziko lalerolino lingasinthire mwachinyengo kuganiza kwathu ponena za chisudzulo—ifeyo osazindikira chimenecho?

Chinyengo cha Kudzikhutiritsa

Nyambo yomwe inanyenga Andrew ndi Ann kuti asudzulane inali chiyembekezo chonyenga chakupeza chikhutiro mwakukhala ndi ntchito yapamwamba. Ukwati wawo unakhala mkole wa lingaliro lakuti ‘ntchito choyamba.’ Uwo sunali mkole woyamba woterowo. Magazini a Family Relations anati kalelo mu 1983: “Kudzikhutiritsa kwaumwini kwakhala lamulo lolamulira zochita za anthu. Monga chotulukapo, kugwirizana kwathithithi kwa ziŵalo za banja kumasweka mofulumira ndipo ngakhale zomangira za ukwati ziri pansi pa chitsenderezo chowonjezereka.” Andrew anakondwera kwambiri ndi ntchito yake yatsopano ndi chiyembekezo chakupita patsogolo. Iye anayamba maprojekiti owonjezereka ndi kuyanjana ndi mabwenzi ake pambuyo pogwira ntchito kuti alandire ulemu wowonjezereka ndi kuvomerezedwa. Panthaŵiyo, ntchito ya Ann inampatsa chiyembekezo chakupambana mwakutenga maphunziro owonjezereka.

Kulondola chinyengo cha chipambano kunali ndi zotulukapo zambali ziŵiri. Choyamba, kunalanda Andrew ndi Ann nthaŵi yokhalira pamodzi. Monga momwe Ann ananenera: “Tinali kukokedwera kumbali zosiyana. Chotero sitinakhalenso ndi nthaŵi yathu yausiku yokambitsirana monga momwe tinkachitira, kukhala pansi ndi kuululirana zakukhosi. Aliyense ankatanganitsidwa ndi kukonzekera zatsiku lantchito lotsatira. Kulankhulana kunalekeka.”

Chiyambukiro chachiŵiri chinali chauzimu. Mwakuika ntchito zawo patsogolo, iwo analikukankhira kumbuyo unansi wawo ndi Mulungu panthaŵi imene anamfunikira koposa. Programu yakhama yogwiritsira ntchito malamulo amakhalidwe abwino a Baibulo ikanathandiza Andrew kulaka vuto lake lakumwa ndipo ikanampatsa Ann nyonga yakumamatira kwa mwamuna wake panthaŵi yovutayi.

Chotero mmalo mothetsa mavuto a ukwati wawo, iwo anayamba kuwona chisudzulo monga chosankha chabwino, mwinamwake mongadi chimasuko ku chitsenderezo chonsecho. Pambuyo pachisudzulocho, liŵongo lawo ndi manyazi zinawapangitsa kulekeratu moyo wawo wauzimu. Analeka kukhala Akristu.

“Akatswiri” Amathandiza Kuika Nyambo ku Msamphawo

Okwatirana ambiri, pamene ayang’anizana ndi mavuto aukwati, amatembenukira kwa aphungu aukwati ndi othandiza kapena ku mabuku olembedwa ndi anthu oterowo. Koma momvetsa chisoni, “akatswiri” ena aukwati amakono akhala okangalika kuchirikiza chisudzulo mmalo mwakumangirira ukwatiwo. M’zaka makumi angapo zaposachedwapa malingaliro a “akatswiri” otsutsa ukwati afalikira ndiponso ngosakaza.

Mwachitsanzo, ochiritsa maganizo Susan Gettleman ndi Janet Markowitz anadandaula mu The Courage to Divorce kuti: “Padakali lingaliro losatsimikizirika lakuti anthu osudzulana apatuka pa gawo lopindulitsa lotchedwa ‘moyo wabanja wachibadwa.’” Iwo akutsutsa “ziletso zalamulo ndi miyezo yamakhalidwe abwino” yotsutsa chisudzulo zimene ziri “zozikidwa pa malamulo achipembedzo omwe anayamba zaka mazana apita.” Iwo akuti chisudzulo chidzakhalapo kufikira pamene “kuzimiririka kwapang’onopang’ono kwa ukwati” kudzapanga chisudzulo kukhala “chosayenera.” Iwo akuvomereza bukhu lawo kwa maloya, oweruza—ndi atsogolero achipembedzo!

‘Chisudzulo sichoipa. Chisudzulo nchimasuko. Kuchuluka kwa zisudzulo sikusonyeza kuti pali chinachake cholakwika ndi chitaganya; kuli chizindikiro chakuti chinachake ncholakwika ndi ukwati.’ “Akatswiri” ambiri aphunzitsa lingaliro limenelo, makamaka m’nyengo yotchuka koposa ya kusintha kwa zakugonana ya m’ma 1960 ndi m’ma 1970. Posachedwapa, akatswiri ena otchuka a zamaganizo ndi makhalidwe a anthu apeka kuti munthu “anatsogozedwa”—ndi chisinthiko, modabwitsa—kusintha mnzake wamuukwati chaka chirichonse. Kunena m’mawu ŵena, kugonana kwa kunja kwa ukwati ndi chisudzulo nzachibadwa.

Zimamvetsa chisoni kulingalira kuchuluka kwa maukwati amene awonongedwa ndi malingaliro oterowo. Koma akatswiri ena ambiri amalimbikitsa chisudzulo m’njira zina zamachenjera kwambiri. Monga momwe Diane Medved anafufuzira m’bukhu lake la The Case Against Divorce, anapeza mabuku okwanira 50 m’laibulale yakwawo amene sanachirikize chisudzulo mwachindunji, koma anali ‘kusonkhezera oŵerenga ake kusudzulana.’ Iye akuchenjeza kuti: “Mabuku ameneŵa amakupanga kukhala kosavutuka kuloŵa m’gulu la anthu osakwatira ndi kutamanda ‘ufulu [wanu] watsopano’ ngati kuti . . . ndiwo njira yaikulu yopezera chikhutiro.”

Zisonkhezero Zina

Ndithudi, pali zisonkhezero zina zambiri zochirikiza chisudzulo pambali pa “akatswiri” osokeretsedwa. Njira zofalitsira nkhani—TV, makanema, magazini, manovelo achikondi—kaŵirikaŵiri zimawonjezera nkhani zofalitsidwa zotsutsa ukwati. Nthaŵi zina ofalitsa nkhani amapereka uthenga wakuti chisangalalo chosatha, chikondwerero, ndi chikhutiro zimapezeka kunja kwa moyo wosungulumwitsa waukwati ndikuti utatulukira kunjako umapeza wina amene akukudikirira, wopambana amene ali kunyumba.

Kusawakhulupirira malingaliro achinyengowa sikungakutetezereni mwaiko kokha. Monga momwe Medved akulongosolera: “Mumawonerera kanema, ndipo mosasamala kanthu ndi umunthu wanu mumayambukiridwa ndi mphamvu yake. Simungathe kupeŵa—nkhaniyo ndi zochitika zake zimaperekedwa mwanjira imene imakupangitsani kumverera chisoni mwini nkhaniyo (mwamuna wachisembwere?) ndikuipidwa ndi wochita naye zoipayo (mkazi wachiwerewere?). . . . Mwinamwake inu panokha simungalole zimene muwona, koma kudziŵa kwanuko kuti ena amazilola, kumenenso kuli khalidwe la anthu lofala, kumafooketsa mphamvu yanu yakufuna kuchita chabwino.”

Mkhalidwe wa anthu anzathu umatiyambukira. Ngati zimenezo ziri zowona ponena za mauthenga a ofalitsa nkhani, bwanji ponena za mabwenzi amene timasankha! Mwanzeru, Baibulo likuchenjeza kuti: “Musanyengedwe; mayanjano oipa aipsa makhalidwe okoma.” (1 Akorinto 15:33) Ukwati wabwino uli umodzi wa makhalidwe okoma koposa. Tingauwononge ngati tipalana ubwenzi ndi awo amene samalemekeza ukwati. Okwatirana ambiri anasudzulana chifukwa chakuti anasimbira “mabwenzi” oterowo mavuto awo aukwati—nthaŵi zina ngakhale kwa awo amene anasankha kusudzulana iwo eni popanda chifukwa chenicheni.

Ena amafulumira kwambiri kupempha uphungu kwa maloya pamene akhala ndi vuto muukwati wawo. Amaiŵala kuti dongosolo lachiweruzo m’maiko ambiri ndigulu logwira ntchito bwino lolinganizidwa kuchirikiza chisudzulo. Ndiiko komwe, maloya amapeza phindu mwakuchititsa zisudzulo, osati kuyanjanitsa okwatirana.

Komabe, mungafune kudziŵa kuti, ‘Ngati maloya onsewo, othandiza, ndi ofalitsa nkhani, ndipo ngakhale mabwenzi ndi anansi avomereza ndipo amachirikiza kwenikweni mkhalidwe wolekerera wotero wa kusudzulana, kodi sindiye kuti akunena zowona?’ Kodi anthu ambiri chotero angakhale olakwa pa chinthu chofunika choterocho? Kupenda zotulukapo zina za chisudzulo kudzatithandiza kupeza yankho.

[Mawu a M’munsi]

[Chithunzi patsamba 7]

“Akatswiri” ena aukwati ali okangalika pakuchirikiza chisudzulo mmalo mwakumangirira ukwati